And I won't be left out anymore.

It's a bit of an ongoing joke between a friend and I when I say, "I'm at a loss for words".
That usually means I have a million thoughts and words racing around my brain and I'm just at a loss of where to begin!!! :)

That's how I feel right now. So I may rattle on a little bit before I get her revved up and purring.

Here's a good place to start. I've been wanting to share this for months!
Did you know that the average person thinks 50-150 words per minute?
Interesting. 
Did you know that I think an average of 1200 words per minute? That's not a typo. 1200 wpm!!!
I learned this on my first visit to my therapist back in March.

I type fast, work fast, walk fast and talk fast. And I know that my mind races and I can sing 3 songs, talk, type, feed a baby and drive with my knees all at the same time.
Oh yeah, and text too!


According to said therapist: "for a woman to enjoy sex and achieve orgasm she must be able to clear her mind completely. Not so with men. This is why a woman's "mood" can change in just a moment. A crying baby, a wandering mind, a change in temperature.....all these can derail her. Not so a man."
I loved it. "Not so a man." Ya think?!!!
LOL!!! That was all for free.


So back to my 1200 wpm.
I think 400 wpm on a conscience level. The other 800 are sub conscience.
Since both my conscience and sub conscience are (or were when I started seeing him), 98% negative, twisted and confused I am considered in the medical profession as living in "torture".

All that good info was laying the ground work for my positive affirmations.
If you've heard my story you know that it took me weeks to come up
with my first one: I don't want to die.
Then more weeks for the next "You's is kind. You's is smart. You's is important." No ugliness intended. That's the way it was said in the movie and that's the way I can remember it, think about it and repeat it over and over and over.
My newest affirmation: I'm no quitter


My therapist was duly impressed. Says I'm making great progress. And I am. I can feel it deep inside. 
I don't know if the words per minute have slowed down but they don't scream failure, stupid, idiot, bad & worthless 24/7. 
I smile more. I sleep better. I still am at a half dose of medicine because my new doctor still hasn't bothered to call me back after my 2 trips to the emergency room and awful side effects.

I've been under the gun majorly from my husband lately. He is angry and out of control concerning my upcoming trip with my mom and sister. 
He has berated me, guilted me, accused me and tried to manipulate me.
But I won't be berated, guilted, accused or manipulated.
I'm going on my trip. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to drink beer. Lots of beer! Lots more than I would've if he hadn't made it a life or death, love or hate, stay or leave issue.

I don't know if we are leaving in the morning for our week of vacation down the coast going east. He isn't speaking to me yet. Isn't sleeping with me either and has moved his things into the other side of the house. 
A little overboard considering that all I insisted on was going on the girls trip, drinking one beer a night and dressing up in all my vintage finest to sit in a cow pasture with hundreds of other boot wearing, jewelry clad men and women listening to a band and oogling over what neat and outrageous costumes everyone is sporting. You kinda gotta be there to get it. But take my word it is just pure and simple fun. Good innocent fun. And I won't be left out anymore. 

"Love You Like A Love Song" selena gomez
http://youtu.be/LupeGtJ3a3E


"It's been said and done
Ever beautiful thought's been already sung
And I guess right now here's another one
So you melody will play on and on, with best we own
You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible
A center full of miracle, lyrical
You've saved my life again
And I want you to know baby


I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby


And I keep it in re-pe-pe-peat


Cursing me, boy you played through my mind like a symphony
There's no way to describe what you do to me
You just do to me, I've been rescued
I've been set free
I am hypnotized by your destiny
You are magical, lyrical, beautiful
You are...I want you to know baby


I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby


And I keep it in re-pe-pe-peat


No one can pause
You stand alone, to every record I own
Music to my heart that's what you are
A song that goes on and on


I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby


And I keep it in re-pe-pe-peat"


Everything in me wants to put on my "rebel dancer" shirt and black lace panties. Grab a lovely glass of wine and dance my cute little sexy body all over this house. But he threw out my wine (and my beer).
No problem. I can do sexy anyway.... elle

Rebel Dancer

OK, today you can say "rebel".
I just noticed that I can say rebel, like "I am a rebel". 
Or rebel, like "I rebel against the man".
I think they are pretty much the same.


There's a new entertainment complex in our area. Some great names have come through including my own, dearest Randy Travis.
I only dream. Concerts in what my hubby considers a "bar" are out of the question. Doesn't make much sense (I gave up trying to understand "sense" a long time ago). He takes me to see concerts like Riverdance, Celtic Women and the upcoming Cirque de soleil. But they are held in "acceptable" locations, although they sell alcohol. But I can't go see Cirque at a Casino or in Las Vegas (although I'd give my right hand to see "O"!!!!), because those places are not acceptable.

So here I am again. Choosing my battles. I'll never be allowed to go to a concert, take a turn around the dance floor or have a beer in one of the "non-acceptable" locations. But I can dance with him at a wedding, go to a concert where alcohol is served if it's not considered a bar or perceived as a bar. 
And beer is just out, period.


One more quick example.
A local restaurant has a band that plays on the patio and alcohol is served. Not allowed to go there. 
But the local Buffalo Wild Wings, the steakhouse, Cheddar's, yada, yada, yada.... where we eat all the time, ALL serve alcohol.   
Am I the only one confused here????


He and I are going on vacation soon. A really neat trip. I'm looking forward to it.
After I get home I'm going on another trip with my sister. I'm pumped!!!


The first trip will be a long road trip along the gulf, lots of beaches, great food, a little bit boring but good enough sex. The conversation will leave a LOT to be desired, no internet, no blog, no "my" music, no friend connection.
Long nights longing to visit the many great places where I could play a little, dance a little, have the occasional glass of wine or a nice cold one. NOT happening.


Second trip. Fun, but nothing compared to a week of beaching it!! 
BUT, I get to drink all I want. 
I get to go to a dance (where I won't dance-but that's too hard to explain-just take my word for it). 
It will be fun because I get to dress up in something wild and fabulous, drink and watch other people who are dressed wild and fabulous. Some will dance. Most, like us, will just hang out. And it will be fun!!!
And that will be rebelling!!!! Which is probably why it's fun.


Now I'm going to share a great song by Josh Turner, who is coming to our 'entertainment complex' soon. I of course will NOT be going! 
BUT, I can dance in my cute new "dancer" tank with my sexy black lace panties all over my house. And I can dream of a man or a time or a way  when my road trip to the beach could be combined with my drinkin', dancin' trip with my sister. 
It will never happen, and if it did then it would be a major sin with huge risks, but I can still dream.
(this is a perfect place for you to remind me that I have everything I need, so why do I need you?????)


Call me a rebel, I don't care.
Call me a hussie, I don't care.
Call me a rebellious, gypsy soul, black lace sexy lady and you're callin' my name!! 
You can find me any Mon-Fri (except during lunch-when the man is home), dancing and dreaming, alone. elle

"Why Don't We Just Dance" josh turner
http://youtu.be/IH1Z9DEDqpk

"Baby, why don't we just turn that TV off?
315 channels of nothing but bad news on,
Well it might be me
But the way I see it,
The whole wide world has gone crazy.
So baby, why don't we just dance?


This little bit of living room ain't gonna look like much
But when the lights go down and we move the couch,
It's gonna be more than enough
For my two left feet
And our two hearts beatin'
Nobody's gonna see us go crazy.
So baby, why don't we just dance
Down the hall,
Maybe up the stairs?
Bouncing off the walls,
Floating on air,
Baby, why don't we just dance?


Baby, why don't you go put your best dress on,
And those high heel shoes you love to lose
As soon as the tunes come on?
On second thought,
Just the way you are
Is already driving me crazy.
So baby, why don't we just dance
Down the hall
Maybe up the stairs?
Bouncing off the walls,
Floating on air,
Baby, why don't we just dance?


Well it might be me
But the way I see it,
The whole wide world has gone crazy.
So baby, why don't we just dance?
Why don't we just dance?"


If you know me at all or have hung out here at the blog awhile, then you know that I long to line dance and I would be perfect in a flash mob!!!
By the time I fight for the right and get permission, flash mobs will be outlawed and line dancing will be out. Story of my life...
So a little video with one of my favorites!!


"Good Time" alan jackson- world's longest line dance!!!
http://youtu.be/PSROm-vgVRk

I'm dreamin' of day when you will take me away
For a good time! elle

Dawn

"Dawn" 
http://youtu.be/-vYY0aRH46I


"What quiet dawn shall break the day
In solitude or work of hands
To chase the truths away?
I dare not say
That on today
The world of dreams 
Was blown away.
And at our feet the smoldering ash
Shattered safety now broken glass.
We don't question why they weep
Or when they scream down in their sleep.
No one labels in degrees
The pain of those who lived yet grieve" elle


I'm going to church now. Maybe tomorrow.....

Escaping the madness

I left the madness and can't find the strength to continue the story.
But that's OK. 


Just like memories, a body will shut out, or shut down when the limit is reached. Seems I've reached my limit for today.
Telling one of the secrets about my precious mamma is enough for today.
Never got near the the goal I set out to reach but there are plenty of tomorrows.


It would seem so easy to just run as fast as I can up the slippery slope, spill it all, be healed and live.
I don't want to journey, I want to be at the finish line. I want it all over.


But I'm no quitter. 


I just quit for today").




No pancakes?
No problem, I'm used to eating alone.

I'm going to escape now, play some music, share some music and maybe if I'm really feeling adventurous I may unlock my door and walk into the cool morning. If not, Bejeweled here I come :).


"When She Loved Me" sarah mclachlan
http://youtu.be/A3qBbLyRixg

"When somebody loved me,
  Everything was beautiful.
  Every hour we spent together,
  Lives within my heart.


  And when she was sad,
  I was there to dry her tears.
  And when she was happy so was I.
  When she loved me.


  Through the summer and the fall,
  We had each other that was all.
  Just she and I together,
  Like it was meant to be.


  And when she was lonely,
  I was there to comfort her.
  And I knew that she loved me.


  So the years went by,
  I stayed the same.
  But she began to drift away.
  I was left alone.
  Still I waited for the day,
  When she'd say "I will always love you"


  Lonely and forgotten,
  Never thought she'd look my way,
  And she smiled at me and held me,
  Just like she used to do.
  Like she loved me,
  When she loved me.


  When somebody loved me,
  Everything was beautiful,
  Every hour we spent together,
  Lives within my heart,
  When she loved me."




I've been holding on to this song for months.
It's so foreign to the way I believed that it was sacrilege to even listen to the whole song the first time I found it. I shook my head and turned it off.
My faith has been shaken to the bare roots, and I've asked all these questions, but I can't deny what's real. And I know that I know that before the world shook the hell out of me (the fear of hell that is), before a perfect storm drowned me and laid a ship upon my chest, He was real.
Not just real to others but personal to me. Miracles in my body, mind and soul can never be refuted, but as our pastor so aptly put it, "If I were God, I'd do things different. If I were God, I'd show off more.".
I agree. 
He is real, I believe, I know He will never leave me or forsake me.
But I just don't get it anymore. I want to know "why?".


"Dear God" sarah mclachlan
http://youtu.be/FrueVp_kuZ8


Now let's have a little fun!
Just discovered this great lady from Dublin, Ireland.
Love her style, love her clothes. 
A whole lot of vintage with a whole lot of now = WOW!!!


"Johnny Got A Boom Boom" imelda may
http://youtu.be/ZucJAkzCNq8

Visit her website for some great video. Watch the filming of Psycho and others for a real treat. Her accent is heavy but she's fun.
Thought this one would be a good place to call it a day.
If you go with me, you "go with a phyco" "). elle


"Psycho" imelda may
http://youtu.be/2yhsVLdmtKI

"Keep on takin' your medication
  Lock that temper behind those pills
  Your brain in flyin', insanely fryin'
  Just remember it's bad to kill


  I go with a psycho 
  I go with a psycho


  No more growlin', Stop your prowlin'
  Leave those cars and people alone
  You're an animal, a human cannibal
  Snarlin' and snappin' like a dog on a bone


  I go with a psycho
  Yeah, I go with a psycho


  You terrify the neighbors when you scream and shout
  You look like it's contagious, you're foaming at the mouth
  You're a freakin' nightmare, when you're lyin' in my bed
  You sleep with eyes wide open like the living dead
  
  I go with a psycho
  I go with a psycho"

TECHNICAL SCREAM!!!

I had a wonderful playlist from Playlist.com that came on automatically, then it disappeared. I've tried EVERYTHING I know to re-embed it, but to no avail.
I'm red with frustration!!!!!
Any help????

The Sounds of Madness

"Early saturday morning. The guys went fishing and once I woke I could not sleep again. 

My mind began to churn and write and stir me up again. 

So sleepy eyed, alone I stare at an empty screen. 

Will I sit out on the porch, drink coffee and savor the last of the cool? 

No. It's sad. I won't. 

Instead, I'll obsess, and dream and wonder, what? and where? and why?. 

And will you think of me today? 

And if you could then would you want to be with me awhile? 

If I wrote would you write back? And if not how long would I wait? 

All day it seems I live in dreams I know will not come true. 

But still I choose a day to lose supposedly for you. 

But if not you then would I choose to let my life ebb away? 

Yes, it seems to live in dreams or by not choosing just to live like normal folk

 who don't obsess or stare and waste their days waiting 

for another soul to make or break their day. When in truth I've only me to blame.

Do I go back and make it all rhyme and fit just perfectly? 

Just more waste for I'll never taste the things that drive me mad. 

And then they simmer angrily and then I'm turned to sad. 

How many thoughts can you think in a measure of a time? 

Mine can't be measured, they're too quick and torturous to me. 

Do you ever wonder if there's a way to be set free? And if you do then from what? 

Want to steal away and meet for pancakes at I-Hop? 

No. I didn't think so."

I wondered how long it would take.

Now I know. 

Not long.

It started yesterday. The obsessing.

The dirty little secret I do not share.

The original obsession of my youth that made a circle and then returned.

Somewhere in my early years it seems that things went south. There was the fear, the "not measuring up", the awareness of the strangeness of me. Different. Not like others. Alien.

It manifested first in isolation (hiding).
That's all I remember about that early season.

Then came pre-adolescence and with it the OCD.

This was a major ignitor of anger and disgust from my mother.
It may also be the first recollection I have concerning texture and touch. 

It's gonna sound weird but here goes:

I remember it best at the dinner table. I would reach across the table to get the ketchup (or whatever). 

On the way I would touch the bottle or another item with a certain area of my finger or hand. Then I was required to touch it again, in the same spot. It must feel exactly the same or I was required to try again and again until the feeling was replicated, then I could relax and move on.

The requirement was not at my mother or anyone else's insistence, but at my own. And it was not optional.

Believe me, if I could have stopped it then I would have saved myself much suffering. 

It made my mother furious. "What the hell's wrong with you?!" 

"Stop it elle   _____, _______ (you know the voice that includes your first middle and last name)!!!
There was the glaring at me, the look that said 'you disgust me'.
(tears) It is a look I was all too familiar with. A look my father gave me often. Sometimes accompanied by an attack on my looks (my hair, the condition of my shoes), often of my mother (her inability to cook, clean...). She disgusted him.
I reminded him of her.

I was disgusting to him.

It was the same on the other side.

"When you do that (whatever the hell that was, I never knew), you look just like your dad!" The voice was low, bitter, angry & full of hatred.

She hated him.

I reminded her of him.

She hated me.

It's not rocket science. 2+2 will always = 4.

Always.

He hates her, she hates him, but there's still me.

He can't hit her, she can't hit him, but there's still me.

He's not near her, she's not near him, I'm near both.

So I get his hate, I get her slap then I get her hate and I get his fist.

I remember her slap, I do not remember his physical fist. His lifelong disgust, disappointment, disapproval, disowning me over and over were fist enough to destroy.

Let's take a break in the chain:

I understand her. I admire who she had to be to survive for herself and for me. She is my mom and I love her. She makes me furious at times but no one has loved me longer or truer. 

(lots of tears. this is very, very hard & deep. dark and true. these are the things that confuse my mind. how could she hate me and love me. why me. why not me. how does this happen, this madness. i woke this morning and started writing a poem about leaves and their beauty. what triggers the madness and will it last forever and is there an escape. how long must i walk. why am i so alone, and does ANYONE UNDERSTAND????)

I'm going to post to this point. The rest will come later today or not. I will see how far I can go. Timing is crucial in all things. It seems I have time today. Time will tell how healing the truth is or isn't.

With love. For now, elle

Another beautiful day!!!

Wow!!!!! 
Maybe it's the fabulous weather we are having (low humidity, cool breeze, warm sun!), but I feel great!


Fighting what I hope are the last remnants of the side effects, a major headache. But so far no heavy pain meds necessary.
Beside that I really feel great.



Makes no sense. I cut my anti-depressant in half to add the new med and when the new med didn't work I just stayed with the half dose. 
And I feel sooo happy! 
Not a giddy/giggly happy, but a deep down "everything is good" happy.



Last night I went to sleep with a headache and woke about 3 thinking my head would explode.
My hubby prayed over me, got me something for the pain and gave me a neck and shoulder massage. He said it felt like trying to massage a rock. 


I had been emotional, disappointed, tense and teary when I went to sleep. I had been gritting my teeth so hard that I could barely move my jaw. Now it was the middle of the night and I was scared, disoriented and couldn't get away from the pain!


After about 30 min the pain began to subside and I'm crying again. "Are you sad?", he asked. "No. I'm just so happy. I'm so thankful that I don't have to go through all this alone. I don't know if I could have made it through this past weekend without you. I love you so much. I really, really love you." And I do.

Life is strange. I am even stranger. 
But I'm discovering that strange can also mean unique and interesting. 


"Spicy" as I'm found of saying").
  
Things are changing. Slowly but surely. 
I'm falling back in love with my husband and I even like who I am (a little). I want to live again. 
Not just "not die", but live. I know everyday won't be perfect. 
I know there is still a LONG WAY to go. 
I'm still confused about much. 
I'm still in Love with a dream and can't imagine letting it go. 


But in the midst of it all I have peace. Peace that tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. 
I am practicing my new affirmation, 
"You's is kind. You's is smart. You's is important." 
And I'm working towards the ultimate goal;
"Discover you, like you, embrace you" (per my therapist).


JUST FOR FUN;
I watched Top Gear last night. My kind of show!!!! 
So today I'm really late for my appt. I have 10 minutes to make a 25 min. drive. 
No problem. Just rev that baby up and let her rip!!! What fun! I was in the truck and it did well but fought me about going over 100mph. Which is why I drive a boring mini-van and not a Lexus!!!
I was only 3 minutes late!!! FUN! FUN! FUN!


Later I got a call from my baby boy checking on me :) 
I listened to the messages on my phone and there was a call from our oldest son, my mom and my step dad; "just checking on you" and another from my sister inviting me to go 'junkin tomorrow. 
I am loved. I am blessed. I'm on my way.....elle ").




"You" the carpenters
http://youtu.be/QkEc-nen7eA

"You are the one who makes me happy
  When everything else turns to grey.
  Yours is the voice that wakes me mornings
  And sends me out into the day.
  You are the crowd that sits quiet
  Listening to me
  And all the mad sense that I make.


  You are one of the few things worth remembering
  And since it's all true
  How could anyone mean more to me
  Than you?


  Sorry if sometimes I look past you
  There's no one beyond your eyes
  Inside my head wheels are turning
  Hey, sometimes I'm not so wise.
  You are my heart and my soul
  My inspiration
  Just like the old love song goes.
  
  You are one of the few things worth remembering
  And since it's all true
  How could anyone mean more to me
  Than you?


  You are my heart and my soul
  My inspiration,
  Just like the old love song goes.
  You are one of the few things worth remembering,
  And since it's all true
  How could anyone mean more to me
  Than you?"


You are my Love
I'll never forget to remember you. Never!
All our new memories are stored safely in my heart. L.E.
  

"Friends pick us up when we're down, 

and if they can't pick us up, 

they lie down and listen for awhile."

It's a beautiful day for favorite things!!!

Autumn

"The season of the year

after youth has passed away,

The colored leaves they waltz & float

until at last they lay.

We too have passed that time of year

when youth has passed away,

Yet cease we not to waltz, to float

till in beauty we shall lay.

Each must dance it's dance alone

foretelling of a glory,

A certainty of life is that

 each season tells our story.

So hearken now with open heart

and hear the autumns song,

miss not a moment of her breathe,

 she gently holds her own.

She offers you a respite 

from the heat of everyday.

Within her arms a hidden place,

she holds the cold at bay.

The cycle will continue

till spring shall bloom at last.

Through the certainty of seasons

 find hope in autumns passed." 

elle

"Liz On Top Of The World"

http://youtu.be/IISaqrS_XpQ

"My affections and wishes have not changed,

 but one word from you will silence me forever.

 If, however, your feelings have changed,

 I will have to tell you:

 you have bewitched me, body and soul,

 and I love, I love, I love you.

 I never wish to be parted from you

 from this day on." Darcy - Pride and Prejudice

"Mrs. Darcy"

http://youtu.be/q68QRLGTfxM

Mr. Darcy: "Then what endearments am I allowed?"

Elizabeth: "Well let me think; 'Lizzie' for everyday, 

'My Pearl' for Sundays, and 

'Goddess Divine' - but only on very special occasions."

Mr. Darcy: "And what shall I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy?"

Elizabeth: "No, no. You may only call me Mrs. Darcy when you are completely and perfectly and incandescently happy."

Mr. Darcy: "And how are you this evening, Mrs. Darcy?" (kiss)

"Mrs. Darcy" (kiss), "Mrs. Darcy" (kiss) (final scene- Pride and Prejudice)

"THE NOTEBOOK"

"Let Me Teach You How To Dance"

http://youtu.be/0kIb6LeBmMk

"When You Taught Me How To Dance"

http://youtu.be/Zjjmzj99J_M

"When you taught me how to dance

  Years ago, with misty eyes,

  Every step and silent glance,

  Every move, a sweet surprise.

  Someone must have taught you well,

  To beguiles and to entrance,

  For that night you cast your spell,

  And you taught me how to dance.

  Like reflections in a lake

  I recall what went before

  As I give, I'll learn to take

  And will be alone no more.

  Other lights may light my way

  I may even find romance

  But I won't forget that night

  When you taught me how to dance.

  Cold winds blow,

  But up on those hills you'll find me

  And I know you're walking right behind me,

  When you taught me how to dance

  Years ago, with misty eyes,

  Every step and silent glance,  

  Every move a sweep surprise.

  Someone must have taught you well,

  To beguile and to entrance,

  For that night you cast your spell,

  And you taught me how to dance."  (from the movie Miss Potter)

My favorite things go on forever. I love bunnies, boats, babies and boys. I love music, movies, love, and kissing. Love to dance, to swim, to laugh till I cry. So I leave you this lovely day with just a few of my favorite things.
I'll be back soon. I hope you will join me and share some of your favorites with me too!!! Elle