The holiday blues caught me
when things were going so well.
Now I have zero desire to finish.
If I were a crab I'd hide in my shell.

Lousy poem.
Matches my mood.
If I thought it would stay
I'd put cyanide in my food.

now i'm :)'ing,
elle e


12/12/12
It's 2 days later and YAY!
The holiday blues went away :)
I'm back to busy, much to do
But always time to say "I love you".

the deafening sound of quiet

Ernest Hemingway said to write clear and hard about what hurts. Here's what hurts: nostalgia. It hits hardest in the winter, when trees are bare and the sunshine is weak and the long nights just mean more time to reminisce.

I'm watchin' country music videos and singin' my own version of the blues.

It's been an emotional few days. High "highs" have been followed quickly by the low "lows" of disappointment.

someone i love bared his heart as he shared the pain i've been carrying for the last year. the pain of reality vs fantasy. what we want vs what we have. "if only" vs "there's just no way".

But fantasy can never be reality.
A "fantasy" is always perfect and even a perfect "reality" isn't really perfect.
No individual, no couple can exist in such an imperfect fantasy of perpetual perfection.

In other words:
if you had me I would disappoint you. sooner or later.
i feel like i disappoint you now,
and i'm often disappointed by you. and i grieve. one day you are so "here" and then like a whisper you are gone. i need you and i reach out for you. but the place where you were is empty and cold and i don't know when or if you will return. and i grieve.

anger, hurt and a wounded pride make me bitter and i wish i'd never known you.
but loneliness, love and longing win and i wait anxiously.
i stand at the waters edge and watch for your sail on the horizon.
i refuse to hear the truth in the wind saying "this is only the beginning of another end".
and even though I know the tide will turn and the circle of loss will begin again i hope against all hope that this time will be different. but it never is.
how tragic that "every hello is the beginning of a long good bye"

Maybe that's why so many couples don't make it.
Over time the fantasy of perfection begins to crack and then one day they wake up and find two very flawed people in a bed that once held two who were perfectly joined.
I wouldn't know. I was never joined in perfection. I was joined by necessity. I was thankful for a place of escape and safety.

In other words:
if you had been the "lucky" one, i would have found that place of safety in you.
you on the other hand would find that the temptress in your arms was wounded and cold. in time you would dread being tied down, and used.

this is what i fear most; i need. like a huge vacuum i take, pull and demand. in time you will feel tied down and used. in time your love will turn to dread.

The holidays always shine a bright light on the cracks in my marriage.
There have been some tense moments this weekend. A strain. An undertone of anger, frustration and disappointment.
My husband NEVER verbally shares these emotions. He is a man of complete control. But I know they are there. I can feel them in that place where words dare not go.
35 years of trying to pull from him what he refuses to give has left me quiet. I do not share often. I do not share my frustrations because he takes them personally and his tendency to withdraw becomes extreme. I do not share my joys because he does not understand them and mostly ignores them. I do not share my hopes, dreams, laughter or tears.
During times like this we are quiet. We live in a world of quiet that screams so loud it is deafening.

in my loneliness i reach out for a friend but am left saddened. you have withdrawn like the tide.
i am helpless and powerless to control the uncontrollable.
you are gone and no matter my desperation i am unable to reach across this great divide.
and i wonder how many more times the circle will turn before i am crushed between the two of you.

"To love. To be loved.

To never forget your own insignificance.

To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you.

To seek joy in the saddest places.

To pursue beauty to its lair.

To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power.

Above all, to watch.

To try and understand.

To never look away.

And never, never to forget."

Arundhati Roy
The author of The God of Small Things

This is one of my favorite quotes. It's always challenges me, encourages me and reminds me.
At present I am working on "to never simplify what is complicated".
Which one grabs you????
elle e

"My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres;
it’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical,

science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know,

with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."

Alan Moore


I love good quotes. One of my favorite sites:
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes_of_the_day/show/701?utm_medium=email&utm_source=quote_of_the_day

Sea sick with reality

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
William Arthur Ward

I don't know where I fit in the above quote. Obviously my optimist lives between my pessimistic side and my "realist in hiding". I live in a constant state of drastic swings between one extreme and the other which leaves my poor optimist bruised and beaten.

I don't know where I fit. What I do know is that when a ray of sun shines and I believe that the tide has turned....I am wrong and I am disappointed, I feel anger (always a secondary emotion), but a necessary one. A sad form of self protection.

I don't know where I fit in in your life. I've never known.
I don't know why I complain (let myself be drawn in). I know your moods are quick to shift. I am a concern today, a loss tomorrow and a longing the next. But never for long.
I hold so tight to the hope of longing....always aware that it will leave as quickly as it came.
I know to expect the change. But that not's optimism.... it's reality.

"What are you to me?
You're the key
You set my heart free to soar."
(I wrote that once and meant it.)


Photo "Reality" Michae Harris Photography http://mehphotography.blogspot.com/

I've rewritten this one several times. It changes as optimism is drowned in a sea of reality.
"You are the ocean and I am a sea sick boat."

"Let us live for the beauty of our own reality."Charles Lamb

I need Dramamine and fantasy. I need you.

theme songs

New to me music;
"SKYFALL"adele
 http://youtu.be/7HKoqNJtMTQ (my favorite version)

http://youtu.be/StJLvbPIvTw (official Bond)

I love Adele. Her sultry voice just eeks sexy. She is gifted in more ways than one. She and Paul Epworth composed Skyfall, the theme song for the newest Bond movie by the same name.

There is little comparison between this Bond song and the theme song from Casino Royale by Chris Cornell. The words, the message, the finality in "You Know My Name" are much darker. It is lonely.
Still I found myself swept along without reservation to the rise and fall of drums, guitars and the texture of his voice. But the lyrics left me uncertain and troubled. Lonely.
"You Know My Name" chris cornell
http://youtu.be/YnzgdBAKyJo

Skyfall on the other hand was safe. Surrounded by danger but never alone.
"Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I'll never be without the security
Are your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we'll stand

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Or face it all together"

Bond movies capture me, move me, trouble me. In the same way this song touches untapped longings of which I do not speak. A need for adventure and danger. But I'm not a lone wolf. I could not or would not ever strike out into the unknown alone. For a deeper need rules me. A need to be held tight, kissed deep and loved long.

I'm forever in a struggle. Good vs evil, lost vs found, right vs wrong, me vs ????

Good night loves, elle e

sharing

Browsing around and enjoying some of my favorite blogs. There is so much creativeness, so much going on, so much wisdom. Here are a few I'd like to share with you;

"pencils need erasers and keyboards need delete buttons. we know what failure feels like so that there is such thing as success. i love how we learn to mend ourselves on a daily basis" http://teaseyourtoes.blogspot.com/

While we're on the subject of doing things, I wanted to share this quote I came across the other day, in response to youth who complain about not knowing what to do.
"Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and after you've finished, read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun. The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something. You owe it your time, energy, and talent so that no one will be at war, in sickness, and lonely again. In other words grow up, stop being a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop a backbone not a wishbone. Start behaving like a responsible person. You are important and you are needed. It's too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now and that somebody is you!" --John Tapene

The Moon Is Her Anchor
"Dusk in late autumn is perhaps the most beautiful time of all.
The trees are cloaked in garments of leaves in the warmer months, but it is not until the garments are shed in the colder months that we are left with the bare, lonely beauty of the landscape. When the wind blows in the winter, it is not accompanied by the rustle of leaves, but rather an aching silence. The numbing, desperately lonely quiet conveys all that winter needs to say--but only the man who cares enough to listen will hear (and understand) the silent message.
At dusk in late autumn, the trees are almost bare but not quite; against inky blueness that seems an almost tangible entity, their skeleton forms are fragile but still quietly stoic; the crescent moon, framed by the colorless branches, seems all the more"
By Carlotta Cisternas

"For me, I want to find that oceans wave that lifts me up and pulls me to the sunset of a closing day as the sun sinks itself into the far off reaches of the water." http://christopherfusaro.blogspot.com/2012/11/short-term-happiness.html

Much love, elle e

But you....

I have everything I need.
For the most part I have everything I want.
The last 2 days have been lovely. I have energy, motivation and a sense that all is well with the world (at least the corner where I live :).

Amidst the cleaning, planning and cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow I've taken a couple of breaks. I sat on the porch. I listened to the birds, the dogs and the music from my open door. Perfection.
But you....

When we use the word "but" in a sentence it means that anything we said before the "but" is negated.
I'm careful when I use it. It shows the truth. It reveals what is hidden. The secrets of the heart.

But you....
I wish I could explain or even understand what it means or how I feel about it.
Would my life be perfection if I'd never met you? It certainly wasn't perfection before you. I was so aware that something MAJOR was missing. I was existing as a mirrored image of others. I had no clue what was missing. I had no clue I was missing. And then you :)
You brought the laughter and the freedom. With you I felt complete, content, peaceful and at rest.

But with you reality slips away, the lines get blurred and the things and people in my "real" life bring frustration. They are reminders of what I can't have. With you I have all the right feelings and none of the right reality.

Days of perfection are so great. But they aren't really perfect. It's just another illusion. Another way to cope.
I sit on the porch of my perfect life and think of you. I lay in my safe bed and dream of you. I'd give up all hope and go back to the old me....but you

Say less and Hold the rest...

Does your heart ever feel like it's going to explode? So many emotions! So inappropriate. No one to share them with.
I'm learning to say less and hold in the rest.
If I say what I feel it's always too much and the distance grows cold and deep.
But when I say less the distance is less. One heart speaking silently to another. Both knowing.
Smiling through the ache, joined in seperation, eternity in a breathe.
I love you
I love you from afar, through the ache, through the truth
I'd rather love you through the pain than never to have loved you at all.

"just to be with someone you love."

“'People always think that happiness is a faraway thing,'
thought Frances, ‘something complicated and hard to get.
Yet, what little things can make it up; a place of shelter when it rains—a cup of strong hot coffee when you’re blue;

for a man, a cigarette for contentment;

a book to read when you’re alone—

 

just to be with someone you love.

 

Those things make happiness.’”

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

A story....

 

Once upponse a time there was girl who did good and right and well.

She'd always believed, that in a life past or a time before, that she must have been a bird in flight, a wave upon the sea or a shell in the sand.... Perhaps in a time still to come.

Her song was sweet, her heart was big but everything else was small. Her legs were short, her fingers stumps, her body petite (except for a rather nice, plump rump :).

Her capacity to hold was huge!
A lifetime had been spent trying to cram her love of, her excitement about, her amazement over LIFE into her small existence!
She felt everything BIG! But had limited access to expression.

I've see her as a grown woman. She has wisdom and experience. She understands lack and sacrifice (and the kind of love that makes a woman choose both).
I also see the child. Forced to face too much too soon. Stunted in many ways. Still very childlike. She grits her teeth, makes ugly faces and sticks out her tongue. She whines and pouts too often.
Still I think she's grand!!!

I hope she never gives up on the hundreds of simple things that seem so enormous in her eyes.
I hope a day will come when she'll dance without restraint in the sand (have you ever seen a little kid dance???? It's magical. We can't help but smile as they twirl, and float, jig and jag. We smile at the innocence. They are totally unaware of right, wrong, proper and not.)

If I could give her advice it would be; "don't give up that inner child. She's amazing."

Tonight I was a free woman. No deadline, no watchman. I drove my car fast, wind in my hair and played the music loud. I ate at my favorite taco joint and drank fabulous, forbidden cold beer. I dreamed and schemed of innocent things and things carried mute to the grave. Asked a friend to come play but
"no, not today", so I drove home (no speeding!), alone.
But I wasn't sad, 'cause I'm not a child, and I now know the rules from the start.
I don't build my hope around things I can't change, 'cause they hurt and they break my poor heart.

Instead of a frown I drove happy and found 2 new songs and an old favorite too.
Now I've written, had a snack and waited "just in case". My eyes are starting to close. But before I lay down, bathe and drape my gown I'll share some good music with you.

2 new (to me) songs:

THE ONE elton john
http://youtu.be/85B_REWeNcM

"I saw you dancing out the ocean
Running fast along the sand
A spirit born of earth and water
Fire flying from your hands"

"For each man in his time is Cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach"

(Oh yeah! I like this song.
  How is it I've never heard this song of love before?)
 

I'm Never Too Far Away jon secada

http://youtu.be/taE36rsEa1I



Need You Now lady antebellum

http://youtu.be/eM213aMKTHg

 

(this one I know. This one always takes all the willpower I don't think I have, especially when it's 1:12 am....)

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without you 'cause I just need you now."

 

 

My day tomorrow is no storybook tale and holds little to look forward too.
Grands for the day while mom is away, a party for one who is "one". Then a funeral to sing, the sadness it brings as we bury a friend, too young, now gone.
It's a story called "Life", many days lived in strife and struggle and weariness too.

So before I close my eyes I give thanks. Grateful for the moments of hope, rest and joy I found tucked away in today and for friends with whom I can share. For moonlit nights where we meet and hold tight to hands that touch from afar.
Never let your story end.
Good night, elle

Meaningful Moments

"It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments.

Most often they are over before they start

although they cast a light on the future and make

the person who originated them unforgettable."
 (last line from Anna and the King)

Fantasies vs Reality (don't fault me)

Since last I was with you I spent 7 days at Disney World with my hub. Our 35th anniversary is just months away and we wanted to do something special.
Considering our options I thought Disney was as close to having fun as we were going to get.

Our first choice was a "Sandals" resort. But I knew such a place wasn't for "us".
These are the things I would do in the Caribbean or in Jamaica; sail, scuba diving lessons, golf, nude sun bathing, walk, sit and sleep for hours on the sand and in the surf. Night time would be great food, dancing, drinks, reggae bars, karaoke, good sex....
Add a lot of fishing and some para sailing for the perfect get-away for a couple in love, celebrating 35 great years. NOT!!!
I would be sailing, diving, sun bathing, hours in the surf, dancing, drinking, listening to good music & para sailing ALONE.
Together we would fish, eat great food and have good sex. But those are the same things we did on our last 2 vacations and I was trying to expand our itinerary.
I'm not complaining! Fishing, food and sex rate 1,2 &3 (not necessarily in that order ;) in my list of favorite things.

"We" aren't Sandals kind of people for the same reasons "we" aren't cruise people. So I went for something where anyone should be able to find fun. NOT!!!
I was, as always, in love with everything! The architecture, the landscaping, the shows, the golf courses, the rides, the pool....everything!!!
My husband isn't easily impressed but he did say the food was great.

Don't fault me my fantasies until you walk the narrow path I tread....

(fantasy island)

"You've Got A Friend" carole kinghttp://youtu.be/trEwDejTKRY
(fantasy friend)

Somehow marriage and friendship didn't come as a package deal for me. But happiness is a choice and I have much to be thankful for.
Take care, elle

"Do you think about me still?"

http://www.yunamusic.com/

"Thinkin' 'Bout You" yuna
http://youtu.be/nm5yyimKo4E

"Do you think about me still?
Or do you not think so far ahead?
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever"



A really nice version of the Frank Ocean mix.
Enjoy!!

"What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains."

Tennessee Williams

"I'll Never Say Goodbye"

"Say goodbye
Why? I can barely say good night
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?"
http://youtu.be/3GDHU-eZmyM

"When I say always, I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I'm not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you I'll never say goodbye"

"I'll Never Say Goodbye", a beautiful song from Barbra Streisand.

The movie is "The English Patient"
"The English Patient is a story of love, fate, misunderstanding and healing. Told in a series of flashbacks."
"In love, there are no boundaries" (copied from the movie box)

 
Today is a day of love, fate, flashbacks, misunderstandings and questions. Is there a place of no boundaries? Does it exist outside the realm of my imagination? And am I still moving forward on the road to healing, understanding and acceptance? Today none of yesterdays truths matter (post "Ordinary LOVEliness" 10/1/12). Today all that matters is my promise, "I'll never say goodbye". I'll never make that mistake again.
And so like Henry and June (see post from 9/27/12 "What to read?? Sex or morality?", like Laszlo and Katharine (The English Patient), I continue to love two men violently and without regard to consequence.

"I have no other choice, for one is my breath and one is my song." elle 

 

Ordinary LOVEliness

I spent a lovely weekend with my husband these past 3 days.
He had a rare long weekend and we had few options. We could stay home for 3 days with our daughter and the 2 grands or leave. As much as we love all three of them, we are with them everyday and we look forward to our time away from the runny noses, the whining and the everyday world of toddlers.
This is a good place to say that we raised our FIVE without the daily help of grandparents or anyone else. Also a good place to say that we have only had 6 months of our 35 years of marriage without kids and grands moving in and out like a revolving door.

We've been talking about driving to the Houston area to look at a Mini Cooper for the past several months. I have the boys most weekends and it's rained every other weekend so getting away has been impossible. Determined not to miss the opportunity to 'escape' I made last minute reservations for a room and away we drove late Thursday night. I was fighting a recurring cold that the 3 year old and I keep exchanging and I wasn't feeling really great. We ate at Denny's then went to our room where I took a long, hot bubble bath and fell sound asleep. It was obviously not the romantic get-a-way we are used to BUT in the middle of the uneventful I found a quiet and peaceful place of rest.
It's been a long time since I felt the contentment that comes from years of being loved and understood by the same person. I've been fighting this so-called "ordinary life" for about 3 years. I've felt very discontent and bored. I've often felt the hopelessness of the mid-life mantra; "is this all there is??!!".

I dedicated an entire post to this subject on Sept. 3: "A Crossroad; Proceed with Caution!". In it I discussed the movie 'Hope Springs' and dissected a quote on the subject of "cheating".
From that quote I wrote; "Personally I question the 90/10 rule. Do "all the years that you have been with each other", "the storms you have weathered together", "the many adjustments", the "little quirks" and "the wealth of memories...as lovers" add up to 90% of life? Am I the sum total of the years I've spent and the children I share with this man? Am I willing to call that my 90%? How do I look forward to a future that holds a chance of adding only 10% to who I am and who we are?"

This past weekend made me question again. Have I been underestimating the power of someone who knows so much about me? Have I been unwilling to admit the power of his love? He definitely knows my little quirks, knows how to push just the right "buttons" as a lover and is learning to accept the "new me" one step at a time. He loves me, and that ordinary/extraordinary love that comes from "years" and "adjustments" felt so good and safe. I was sick, a little cranky and not very energetic. He adjusted. He "knew" what made me smile, when I'd had enough, when I needed to eat, to rest....

It's been a long time and it feels sooo good to be content in my "ordinary" life of "loveliness".
elle

"Alone In the World" barbra streisand
http://youtu.be/lT2TJIf_zMg

What to read? sex or morality???

"Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls. "
Anais Nin

http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7190.Ana_s_Nin?utm_medium=email&utm_source=quote_of_the_day
I'm not a big reader. I find reading to be tedious. A book must grab me and hold me or else I'm bored and would prefer to put it down and 'do' something. So I don't "escape" into books like so many others. This inability to sit still can be dangerous. It would be safer for me to be home reading than out looking for my own excitement and adventure (;

Anais Nin makes me a little nervous but so much of what I thought I was "alone" in, I find in her. I'm not ready to plunge into an experiment with lesbianism or deviant sex. BUT something major has changed in my life. I never thought I'd fall in love with a man other than my husband. I never thought I'd feel NO guilt and only rest and pure joy in his presence. I never thought that I would question EVERYTHING including a faith and a marriage that were supposedly my core, my center. I never thought I'd have to make so many moral choices and be so miserable making the "right" ones.

"A man's mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions. "
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

"and all the answers that I started with turned out questions in the end" alison krauss 'gravity'

I'm on the library list for "50 Shades of Grey" but I think I'm more interested in ready Nin's 'Henry and June'.
"Henry and June exposes the pain and pleasure felt by a person trapped between two loves."
"the ongoing battle between loving submission and intellectual assertiveness; how difficult it is to be a strong woman while still holding on to one's emotional vulnerability." "http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11038.Henry_and_June

Sounds like me :)
I'm off to the library, again. Surely a book like this will be able to hold my attention.
With love, elle

The Arms of Autumn

 

Autumn

The season of the year

after new has passed away

the colored leaves now waltz & float

to celebrate each day.

We too have met that time of life

when youth has danced away

Yet cease we not to waltz, to float

'till in rest our heads we lay.

Enjoy each leaf dance a dance in air

in beauty and in glory

Waste not the days, repeat his ways

 as each season tells your story.

Do hearken now with open heart

and hear the autumn song

Miss not a moment of her breathe,

 she sings away each wrong

And offers you a respite

from the heat of everyday

Within her arms a hidden place

she holds the cold at bay.

Her shelter will continue

'till spring shall bloom at last

Through the certainty of seasons

may you find hope in autumns passed."

elle

9/7/11

Happy Monday Dearies :).

....and just like that.... it was over :).

Friday was a long continuation of days of darkness.
Saturday dawned and I was exhausted beyond words. The grands played outside and I sat quietly watching and refereeing as needed. As the morning moved towards noon I realized I was barely holding on by a thread.

It was my turn to cook for the big family dinner after church on Sunday. I had gumbo, potato salad and banana pudding on the menu. Everyone was invited and excited (we've been waiting impatiently for gumbo weather :). BUT the thought of hours of cooking and toddler watching was overwhelming.

I sent out an "I'm sorry" text to my kiddos. "It seems my desire far outweighed my ability. In other words I'm not cooking.", and then I cried tears of defeat.
Both daughters and daughters in law sent the same return messages, "no problem! I understand completely!!!" and they do :).
Baby brother (my 25 year old son) was disappointed but his wife set him straight real fast :).

Once the text was sent and the responses came in I was greatly relieved!
We ate lunch on the porch, took quick baths and LONG naps. I slept for an hour and a half, and then  made my way to coffee and couch time.

and just like that.... it was over :).

As if someone turned on the light...the darkness was gone.
No more depression. No more exhaustion. No more numbness, sadness, anger or defeat.
...it was all gone :). and I am so very, very grateful.

*note:
Evaluating the 10 days of depression, I realized that they coincided exactly with the days I was fighting allergies and a cold that the grands had. As the need for decongestants increased so did my depression.
I pulled out the paperwork on my meds and reread the side effects and interactions:
Yep, the meds I was taking for allergies was increasing the negative side effects of my anti depressant, including the troubling dreams, thoughts of suicide, increased agitation, etc, etc....

Somehow that makes me feel better. The thought that there was a reason why I went down so hard and so fast was reassuring. I am so ready to return to the years when I had occasional days of depression in an other wise good life -vs- a lifetime of depression with rare good days.
I felt I had turned the corner and was on the winning side of this 4 year battle. I still feel that is true.
This was a tough 10 days. But it was just a bump in the road.
I am ready to move on! I am ready to do more and be more.

Untied and ready to fly :)
elle

:).

have one on me
have a magic filled weekend
elle

and I hate it

I believe that today is the first day of something. and I hate it
I made the decision to change my path. and I hate it
It's all farce, just words. I won't be able to follow through. and I hate it
My heart feels empty and my days feel loooong. and I hate it
Change for me comes soooo slowly. and I hate it
I am who I am. and I hate it

If I could do anything I wanted, no fears, no one to answer to....
would I?
Not today. and I hate it

 

 

(art work Clare Elsaesser)

 

 

Just string me up... please :).

This is me back in April at the deer lease. I was resting after catching and cleaning a string of fish. I love the outdoors.
It was a good weekend :).
I got to sunbathe and gypsy dance in the nude, ride the 4 wheeler (dressed :) and fish to my hearts content.

It's been a beautiful week here on the gulf coast. The weather is perfect. Normally I would take full advantage of it and live outside on my big porch, take my pole and find some fish, get some sun at the park....
but it's not been normal these past 10 days or so. I don't feel the 'this hurts so bad I just want to die' depression of a few days ago but neither do I have any motivation or desire to do anything. I'm in the 'I'm exhausted, my head hurts, I don't give a shit' part of depression. I never know how long it's going to last but I always feel like I'm loosing. I'm in bed, getting older, not living. Just like I was a year ago and the year before that.

I don't know what to say except "it is what it is" and it sucketh BIG time.
Later, elle

Somebody That I Used To Know

"Somebody That I Used To Know" gotye

http://youtu.be/8UVNT4wvIGY

Watch it again. You'll love the teamwork. I did :).


http://youtu.be/MsoRSI7ei4E

"Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember"

 

 

 

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over"

 

 

 

"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

 

 

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

 

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody..."

"Never underestimate the power of "something".
It's everything compared to "nothing".

It is enough."

elle 11/10/11

 

 

 

 

and today is that day... 

Come hell or high water,

if it kills me,

I'm done.
 

Just add water...

(this post follows the one I wrote this morning; "dark, drowning, depression")

Can't promise it works every time but thank goodness it worked today!

I told my husband over the phone I had to get away, I was going to the park and I'd be home in time for DD to go to work.
I threw his lunch in the oven and left the house angry, driving through a haze of tears. By the time I reached the water I was quiet and numb. I backed my truck up to the water, sat barefoot on the tailgate staring into the wind.
Time. Friend or foe??? I never know
Alone. Friend or foe??? It varies

But today both 'time' and 'time alone' were on my side. No phone meant no temptation to text and no obsession to share the beauty or the despair.

I spent almost 2 hours in wind, water and sun therapy. I laid on a blanket in the back of my truck and slept a deep, dreamless sleep. I woke in time to grab lunch at my favorite taco joint and got home just in time for my daughter to go to work (and me to go on "duty" with the grands).

I do need to share this funny episode;
My husband was not happy about my trip to the water. He never is.
He was not happy that I wasn't here when he came home for lunch. I'm always home.
He wasn't happy that I'd accidentally left my phone at home. Neither was I.

When I arrived home some 2 hours later I saw that he was still here. I went flying in the back door knowing that no one could reach me and he would be worried.
Sitting with him at the dining table was daughter #2. I could tell she was upset and had been crying.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I ran away to mom's to 'escape', only to find that you weren't here. You'd gone to the park to 'escape'." she laughs.
She and I are both laughing now. My huband is just sitting there (poor hubby....he's surrounded by emotional women :).
DD #2 and I head to the back porch to compare "sob stories" and hubs heads back to work thankful that I'm back home safe and back "on duty".


Life is strange. Just this morning I was debating; "Is it better to be depressed here where people are always in my space or to be depressed somewhere like the beach where it is beautiful but desperately lonely?"
I already tend towards negative thoughts. Depression is isolating. A negative me in isolation is not a good combination. I've never attempted to take my life but I never fail to think seriously about the pro's and cons of living vs dying,  my worthlessness vs the effect such an action would have on my family.

Another "never fail"; I never fail to give thanks that I didn't make the wrong decision in a dark, depressed place.
The water and the time away worked.
I'm better now. Glad to be alive :). Aware that the darkness hides just outside the light :(

I didn't get any house work done, there is nothing thawed for supper BUT I'm home and safe. Daughter #1 is at work and I'm here caring for her little ones. Daughter #2 is back home ready to tackle the challenges of a large family. She knows she is going to "make it". She's seen her mamma do it for years.
elle

dark, drowning, depression

My mind, my will and my emotions feel paper thin. The winds of life are ripping me to shreds.
I started sinking last week. Depression tugs and drags relentlessly until I am powerless to stay above the dark waters.
I am angry. I am lonely. I am bitter. I don't want to fight anymore. I want it all to end.

I Need You Now

"I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me -
but I can't gaze into my own eyes and
feel my own soul lift me up."

(I would love to give credit to the writer of the above but I copied it from a tweet. I know 0 about tweeting.) 

Strange things and repeated fears

Strange things have surrounded my thinking lately.
Strange dreams, strange ideas, strange fears....

Combine the strange with the uncertainty that haunts me daily and the rather unsettling combination is dark . Such was my week....

First I dreamt I had a lesbian lover.
I've feared for long that I wasn't normal or right or acceptable. If my dream were to prove true then I'm really screwed or "un"screwed it would seem :).
I'm not afraid of my sexuality.
I love sex.
I love men and all the wonderful "things" that make them male. I would not want to be denied the passion and pleasures I have only recently rediscovered.
I'm more afraid that my need to be "understood and accepted" would push me to the only thing that could free me from this "straight and narrow" life that is slowly destroying me.

Next I struggled with despair.
Same root fear; I'm flawed somehow.
Two weeks ago I liked me and saw potential...
but not this week.
This week "the old" hangs like a huge, wet sail, wrapped around my body.
What was designed to give flight and freedom, to propel across the frothy sea has instead turned. A cooling breeze turned dead.
I am weighted, slowly drowning, without hope of deliverance.

There are no saviors. My biggest fear of all has proven itself true. No one can rescue me.

It is a strange day in a strange week. A bass filled song that repeats itself with regularity in the story that is my life.

“Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly,

 

 you’ll find yourself,

 

and that, and only that, can be the happiest or

 

 bitterest hour of your life.”
— Pablo Neruda

 

One day I looked deep inside and realized "this is me" and I cried.
I'm still crying and nobody knows.

elle

Wisdom from Pooh  ~

"When you are a bear of very little brain and you

think of things...you find sometimes that when the

 thing that seemed very thingist inside you...is quite

 different when it gets out into the open and has

other people looking at it."

"There goes the past, receding and not always

 redeemable, and here comes the future,

waiting to churn us up."

Too Late A Goodbye

Must keep busy
Not be still
You're stealing me away
Against my will

Must keep busy
Must not think
My mind will wander
and I will sink

Beneath the darkness
Into a place
Where all else fades
Except your face

Must not remember
Those beautiful eyes
While lost in their grayness
My hope was alive

Must keep busy
Must not wait
No one is coming
I found you too late

A crossroad; proceed with caution!

"Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don’t have.

Somewhere along the way, you will meet someone who will be more charming or sensitive than the one you’re already with. More sexy. More thoughtful. Wealthier. Better in bed. And you will meet someone who will need you and pursue you and go crazy over you more than your significant other ever did. Because no one is perfect. Because your significant other will only have 90% of what you’re looking for. So, cheating happens when you look for the missing 10%.

But wait! Thats only 10% of what you don’t have. Don’t throw away the 90% that you already do! Add to the 90% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The many adjustments you have made to better understand each others little quirks. The wealth of memories that you have accumulated as lovers. The old sparks that can always be rekindled by the walk on the beach, barefoot and underneath the stars.

Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don’t have. But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already do. " (author unknown)

I've thought about it alot. I'm still thinking about it.

I just came from seeing the movie Hope Springs. I went to see it by myself. There were lots of "old" couples there (my age :) and several groups of women. But I was the only single (or married person alone). My husband doesn't do sex in movies, (but I always bring a blanket....just in case :). This one was full of sex or at least a lot of talk about it with a little action. Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones and Steve Carell were all in it and they did a super great job!

Meryl Streep plays a lonely woman who desperately wants to connect with her husband after a 31 year, very stale, even disfuncional  marriage.
I see her as fitting the 90%/10% rule. Long marriage, kids, home, life. No passion, no shared joy, nothing new to look forward too. A place in life where the road of the past and the 90% meets the future and the 10%. The place where people often ask "is this all there is?". The place where the years ahead are less than the ones behind. A place of crisis.

Personally I question the 90/10 rule. Do "all the years that you have been with each other", "the storms you have weathered together", "the many adjustments", the "little quirks" and "the wealth of memories...as lovers" add up to 90% of life? Am I the sum total of the years I've spent and the children I share with this man? Am I willing to call that my 90%? How do I look forward to a future that holds a chance of adding only 10% to who I am and who we are?

I've been at this crossroad for a long time. I've made many false starts and wrong turns, tried caution and threw it to the wind.
I tried to add excitement, action and hope to my life by trying to expand my horizons. But even in my "cheating" I felt cheated.
It is an effort in futility to try things like the "walk on the beach, barefoot and underneath the stars". I tried those for years only to learn that it's true what they say, "it takes two to tango". One person alone under the moon only makes the loneliness more paralyzing.

I've wandered this road for years watching time slowly come to a standstill.
 

 

Gulf storm

"If you live your whole life waiting for the storm you'll never enjoy the sunshine."
Morris West
(photo Michael Harris)

all grown up

evaporate, elongate, initiate, intimidate
empower, over me tower, wet from your shower
we sink
dissolve, fall to your knees, encourage, stay...... please
recline, decline, surrender, over, under, the fire of desire
touch, crave, slave, don't behave, repay...... stay
entwined

new things and old words

New things I've tried this week;
I drove a 2013 60th Anniversary Edition Corvette convertible :). SWEET!!!
The only thing new about this is the newness of the vehicle. My love for fast cars and speed is as old as I can remember.
I once drove my son in laws new Cadillac at 135 mph and my dads new BMW at 155.
I owned and loved a big 4 door diesel truck for several years and I can tell you that when I'm in a big powerful vehicle my personality changes.
I'm an entirely different person in my old lady mini van than I am in something sporty.
I get attitude! Serious attitude. "Get the f out of my way I'm bigger and badder than you" attitude :). And I love it!!!

My husband bought the van 6 years ago when our oldest daughter and her 3 little boys were living with us. I fell out of the big truck twice trying to load babies into car seats while balancing on a running board.
I went to work one day and came home to the blue bomb. My 4th mini van! A terrible blow to this lover of fast, sexy cars.
The only say I had in the decision was "a TV". Which translates into a DVD player. Now 6 years later we have daughter #2 living with us and her 2 little boys.
The blue bomb has been a blessing. It has entertained all 14 grands. It is dependable. I don't pay for speeding tickets or extra insurance. I continue to drive it because I believe you should drive a vehicle 'till the wheels fall off. No matter how "un cool" it looks.

So I dream of fast, sexy cars and drive other peoples as often as I can :).

The next new thing I did was play golf.
Everything about that experience was new (except driving the cart).
I absolutely loved it!!! I knew I would.
I have a long way to go before I'm the new Tigress Woods! I am totally confused as to which club to use and my drive needs distance. But I'm a quick learner and a good student.
I'm looking for a partner to help me with the basics. I have the perfect one in mind..... but it's complicated :).

Now to "old words";
I am always amazed at how quickly a situation can change.
I will struggle, struggle and struggle with an area. I will fight with myself until I become overwhelmed by my inability to change.
I can become so discouraged over a situation, attitude or mind set that I can't see any progress. Too often I've declared myself a complete failure and given up in despair.
Then one day I wake up and it's done. The battle is over. I don't know how or when the victory came but "it is finished".
I have no explanation for this, but I can point to time after time that it has happened, and I am still amazed.

Example:
My weight.
I shared the other day that I am struggling again with my weight. I lost 35 lbs last year and found 15 of it this year :(
I am too stubborn to buy new clothes to accomodate my spread.
I have a piss poor attitude concerning the fact that I can't get into 80% of my new clothes.
I want comfort food more than skinny jeans!
This has been my life for the past few months.

Last week I declared "no man, no motivation." It was the truth. I meant every word I said.
But I wasn't happy with the mindset behind the words. Why can't I lose weight for me? Why don't I feel good enough about myself, without him, to look and feel better? Am I willing to give up sexy just because he isn't here to enjoy it????
These questions kept bothering me. Part of this journey I'm on is about "doing and being" without the need of someone else's insistence or approval. It's a journey to be "me". Not another person's version of me.
Where does this come from??? How did my body image get so twisted? Why do I associate the way I look with my value as a person?
That was easy to answer; the only man in my life who has ever judged my worth based on my looks is my father. Once again I had allowed the old bastard to rule in my thoughts, feelings and decisions.

I asked myself the question my therapist would ask every session, "what do you want elle?"
I want to be thinner. I want to feel sexy. I want to sunbathe and fish in the nude. That's me!
I did all those things last year when I was thinner. I did feel sexy and I loved it!!!
My body is getting older every day. I don't want to waste anymore time.

That was it! Change came! I have been walking every evening, lifting weights again, dancing and doing yoga/ballet. I love it! I love the sensuality of movement.
It's easy to ignore the M&M's on my counter and to prefer my bikini's over bread and butter.

More Than A Woman bee gees (Saturday Night Live 1978)
http://youtu.be/HjZmSkUL6Ws

"Oh, girl I've known you very well
I've seen you growing everyday
I never really looked before
but now you take my breath away."

(Thanks to "Super Marcey's Super Website" for her "Movie Song of the Week")

 

Just stuff

It is a lovely 77 degrees outside this morning with low humidity!! Perfect :).

I'm watching the boys play. One is very phlegmatic (laid back). He can play alone for hours with a piece of string, a car and a plastic cow. He is a happy baby boy :).
The other is very melancholic (up tight). He is picky and whiny. He needs to be right, to be heard, to be first. He is selfish and high maintenance. He's very smart!
I don't want to label him an 'unhappy' child. How unhappy can you be at 4??? All his needs are met. He is loved, played with, read to, fed, clean..
But he is only happy when things are going his way (which is not near enough for him). He is soooo much like his Nana.
I love him.
I understand him. I know what goes on in that little mind. I know that lonely look behind his beautiful blue eyes.
He feels deeply. Even at his young age he understands loss. He feels grief and cries for his no good, low life father who doesn't give a s--t about him.
Children shouldn't come into the world melancholic. They should all be phlegmatic (laid back) and sanguin (fun).
So should Nanas. I try really hard :).

I'm going golfing tomorrow. My first time. My neighbor is taking me. We are taking the kids :(
Her only 2 grandsons are also 2 on my 10. (is that clear as mud? LOL! :)
My son is married to her daughter and we are going golfing with 4 little boys.
Sorta dampens my excitement.
But it's golf and it's outside! YES!!!

I'm gaining weight again :(
My motivation to look young and thin has wained.
My real motivation was another man. One of those flashbacks to the past that had nowhere to go. It caught me by surprise, took me to amazing heights and then broke my poor little heart :(
No man, no motivation.

I consider myself to be a "southern lady" in the style of Weezer from Steel Magnolias and Josie from Tombstone (movies :).
This is not the same southern lady I was 3 years ago. I was a church going, Bible toting, faithful wife and mother. I'm still a mother (and a wife).

I have become the banana pudding queen!
Here in the south it is imperative that you make banana pudding from scratch. I am a good cook but never mastered that art. My youngest son turned 25 earlier this month. For his birthday he asked for banana pudding. That's all it took. This momma can now cook a mean puddin'!

Most southern traditions center around food. In my effort to find my nitche in this world I have settled for what is within the tight confines of my life. I have a large family and I can cook. So I cook. My kids and grands come to eat, I clean up and that's pretty much it. Which leads me to the next thing....

My "faith" crisis is putting a wedge of seperation into our family. I see it growing and feel helpless to change it. I go to church with my family but I am just an observer. My days as an active participant are gone.
That's all I feel like saying on that subject.

I'm getting melancholic.
Time to turn off the computer and put on my mask. Time to cook and clean, take care of the kiddos, cook and clean...
But first I'm going to enjoy this cool breeze and water my beautiful plants :).

I'll let you know how the golfing goes!

Blessings :)
elle

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will th...

ink of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. ~ Bob Marley

What do you think???
I don't have an opinion (rare :).
But I'd like to know. Is there only one?
What if you let a good thing go in search of the "only one"?
Share what you've learned about love and life.
"Comment" away..... 

Welcome new follower!!!!
I'd love to hear from you and all my readers.

I love "comments" so leave yours here :)
elle

An observer

I stood looking out the window earlier. I went from the front of the house to the back. Green grass, blue sky. I've done this for as long as I can remember. Stand and look out.
"On the inside looking out", an observer and not a participant.

Have you ever heard of the experiment where they put a fish in a tank with a glass partition? The fish hits the partition over and over in an attempt to reach the water on the other side. Repeated attempts only prove that there is no way around the glass and to the other side. The fish gives up trying to break through the unbreakable barrier. It is a fact that is accepted. A learned behavior.
Then the glass partition is removed. The fish has free reign of the entire tank. But it does not venture into these new waters. The learned behavior remains. The fish will live it's entire life in only half of the tank. To the fish the other side is not reachable therefore there is no point trying.

Is the fish stupid? It's easy to think so when you know that the glass has been removed. You are judging from a position of freedom. The fish doesn't have the luxury of your knowledge.
From the fish' point of view there is no need to continue to run into a glass wall over and over.
He is on the inside looking out. An observer.
So am I.

There are days that I feel motivated, empowered and alive. On those days I walk in and out of my house. I make choices and decisions. I smile, sing, dance and laugh. Lovely :)
There are other days that I feel unmotivated, defeated and hollow. On those days I exist. I stand at my window and look out at the beauty. A kind of defeat weighs on me.
I have good days and bad like everyone does.
BUT I am always limited. There is ALWAYS a glass wall. There are always the "rules". Many unspoken, some I've pushed against, all inpenetrable.

I am struggling. I have been struggling for many, many years.
My life is good on one hand. I am well cared for, surrounded by a big, strong family and loved by a very good man.
On the other hand my life is a cage. What I do, what I watch, what I dream are all controlled by the same good man. His "rules" are very stringent.
When I first married, 34 years ago, I needed security. The rules didn't matter. I would gladly surrender my freedom to be safe.
Somewhere along the way I grew very aware of what surrender had cost me. Very aware of the walls of this cage. As time goes on I hate them more and more. I am trapped. I really have no choices.
As long as I can remember I was controlled by lack, fear, neglect, lonliness and anger.
Then I married. I am now controlled by responsibility and guilt. I am desperately lonely.

I stand and look at the world. I cannot reach beyond my cage. I must live within my confines, within the "rules".
Some days I am content, others I am angry. But never am I free.


From the movie "Tombstone" with Kurt Russell
http://youtu.be/CMeM_pTiMfE

This is one of my favorite movie scenes. The chemistry is wonderful and sexy.
If you don't care to watch all of it then start at 3 min & stop at 5:37

Josie: "well I'm always happy.... unless I'm bored"
Josie: "I'm a woman, I like men. If that means I'm not "lady-like", then I guess I'm just not a lady! At least I'm honest."
Wyatt Earp: "You're different. No arguin' that. But you're a lady alright. I'd take my oath on it."


That's what I want... to be different.
(Tombston is based on the true story of Wyatt Earp. Despite the fact that he is already married he and Josie fall in love and in time they marry and live out their lives together. I guess "bad" girls make good wives too. :)