I'll Meet You At The Moon

I'm spending time in the country overnight. I took a walk this evening and enjoyed the flowers, ate figs right off the bush and visited a cow and her calf. As evening fell the full moon rose with amazing brillance.
I think I will always long for company when I stand alone, beneath it's beauty, surrounded by the stars.
Once, not so long ago, I found friendship with one who shared many of the same loves I have longed to share for many, many years.
Sharing the light of the same moon, fully aware of the other, though seperated, endeared us one to the other.

I dreamed dreams that I had long given up as hopeless. Dreams of sailing, canoeing and swimming nude in the dark. All my adult life I have been aware of the void that came from living my life seperated from the beauty of nature. Often I have mourned the loss of something as simple as the setting sun. Simple and unimportant to some but so dear to my heart. Just another dream denied me.
I am still struggling to find ways to satisfy my love of and need for the warmth of sun, the wet of water and the freedom of the breeze and I take full advantage of the rarity of evenings like tonight.

I stand in the dark and imagine that someone stands alone somewhere thinking of me. That once again we meet at the moon and for a moment all lonliness and all boundaries disappear.
And I smile

and trampolines!

This morning when I shared my list for today I totally forgot about the new trampoline we got for the boys!
It totally changed the flow of the day (in a very good way!)

We spent all morning outside. Just what I needed and of course there's no better place for 2 active little boys than outside jumping, running and playing in water.
We also found and chased a small king snake. We let him go because we were too chicken to catch him and play with him :) and they eat bad snakes.

Back inside I cleaned bathrooms while they played in the tub. Then on to lunch and story time. Now they're down for a long nap.
Supper is also cooked for tonight!! YAY!
I'm going to bake a couple of loaves of banana nut bread, then I'll add a salad and corn on the cob to the navy beans, rice and pork roast I made on Saturday. YUM!!

Wow! How can one day be so different from another.
Friday I was devastated to the point of giving up, cried ALL day, never did eat or sleep and I got nothing on my list done.
Today has been so pleasant. Chores done, kids happy and well cared for and I'm all smiles.

I have great potential! All I need now is some consistency. Well that's not all I need but it's a great place to start :).
Much love, elle

tubs, toilets, toddlers, no tears :)

that's my list for today :)

borrowed

“I can’t think of any better representation of beauty than someone who is unafraid to be herself.”

         Emma Stone

"what goes down must come up"

Visited a "new to me" blog and made this discovery:
"what goes down must come up" :).
Or at least that is my spin on an old saying.

My posts today were angry.
I am hurting.
Anger is always a secondary emotion and is the dirrect result of something we have no control over but desperately want to control.
Mine is a person. Actually 3 people.
2 men I love and myself.

I wish it were a love triangle but one of us keeps trying to escape! LOL!!!

It's really not funny but I don't have any tears left to cry.

I've been up all night fighting my thoughts. When I slept it was only troubled dreams of lost love.
I haven't eaten today.

Time to wash my teary face and try to gag down some peanut butter and jelly.
I wish I had some red Skittles and a frig full of Shiner Bock.

It's been a very "down" day and I'm past ready to feel a smile.
Forgive me my foolishness.

Much love, elle

Fools Rush In

It's a poem, a song, a movie. "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread". A truth that has been used, reused and rewritten "infinitas" since 1790.
Is it any wonder that I would stumble into it's web, again?

No one will know what a fool I can be or what foolish things I can do but you.
You hold so much power and possible amunition that can be used against me. I've always trusted you completely but... I'm faltering in that blind trust. I've needed you recently and you've turned your back to me.
I know you told me you were going to but foolishly I didn't believe it was possible.

The secrets of my life threaten to bury me. They were bearable when we both had so much to share and so much to hide. Now they are mine alone to bear and they are heavy.

Foolishly I cannot let you go.
Foolishly I shared that truth without the benefit of a purpose. For there is no purpose except the effort to share the burden. And I know you aren't sharing.
Foolishly I assumed (and was sooo mistaken) that at the end of my rope and asking for help that you would somehow care.
(When you said you were at the end of your rope I believed you and tried to find help.)
Foolishly I assumed you took my pleas seriously.
Foolishly I assumed you took my burdens and laid them at my husbands feet.
Foolishly I tried to reach you 3 times (in vain) and expected an immediate response. (that's nothing new)
Foolishly I assumed the worse, packed my bags and prepared to leave.

Do I feel like a fool???
Oh yes I do! I needed you today. If for nothing more than just a kind word.
But mostly because I believed your words, let you into my heart and keep you there.
I am a fool.

I was a sane woman until you.
I was lonely but I was sane.
For over 2 years I walked the edge and would've taken the fall for you.
I've lost my balance where you are concerned.
Everything is out of whack and I can't seem to get a handle on it.

Frank Sinatra sang these lyrics. It's like someone read my mind.
At least I'm not the only fool.

"Fools rush in
Where angels fear to tread
And so I come to you my love
My heart above my head

Though I see
The danger there
If there's a chance for me
Then I don't care

Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love
So how are they to know

When we met
I felt my life begin
So open up your heart and let
This fool rush in"

And you did. You let me in just long enough for my walls to fall. And then you walked away.
I'm having a hard time forgiving you.
I'll never forgive me.
I am a fool in love trying desperately to get out.

I WANT!!!!

The house is empty and quiet. I sit in my favorite chair. Windows to the outdoors are all open and the birds are thoroughly enjoying the fresh cut grass.
I was looking forward to a morning to myself to write and process. But my phone has been dominated by my mom and then my husband who called to ask if I was naked.
I am NOT naked. Not physically.
I am tormented. I am grieving. I am angry!!! I just want to be left alone! I don't want to talk to my mom about a trip to the lake. I don't want my husband to take me to lunch. I don't want him to come home for lunch. I WANT to drink beer, eat tacos at Fuzzy's and then take a nap in the bed of my truck at the water. That's where I want to be naked. In the back of my truck on a quilt in the sun.
I WANT.... to scream and curse and throw something!
I want to hate you! But the roots of this love have wrapped themselves around who I am. Pulling them out is more than I can bear. I want this pain to end and the tears to stop.
It's been too much and too long and too hard and I just want it all to end...
Make it end... please
make it go away

I love the way you made me feel...

Watching you play the bass
Watching you smile :)
Hearing your voice took my breath away.

Telling myself how happy I am for you. I really am...
Reminding myself you weren't smiling at me, playing for me, looking at me.
But you were smiling and that's what matters :).  I wish you only the best.

The descent

It's raining.
Again :)
I'm not complaining. I have no issues with rain anymore.
I am ready to run my errands but will wait 'till it ends.
In the interim I'm reading blogs and checking out some "new to me" music.
Just listened to the "Amazing Journey" from the album Tommy by The Who. I didn't listen to the whole thing. I didn't like it. Kinda weird.
I did like a couple of the lyrics:
"Ten years old
With thoughts as bold as thought can be
Loving life and becoming wise
In simplicity."

"Sickness will surely take the mind
Where minds can't usually go."

The song is about a 10 year old blind boy.
I don't remember being 10. I don't remember bold thoughts, loving life or becoming wise in simplicity. I do remember feeling clueless about life. I was very much a person in the blind.
I do know from experience that "sickness will surely take the mind where minds can't usually go."
I've tried to go to some places I've never been before in the last couple of years but I don't seem to have much luck with "new".

I didn't fit in very well at a dive at the beach where we went for beer and dancing a few weeks ago. I love to dance at home but felt very out of place in public. I like alcohol and am especially fond of beer. But... alcohol and a little free space increases the sexy in me. I love sex and men and sexy men :). But I have few boundaries and less when I drink.
As much as I wish I were, it seems I'm not cut out for the party life.

I also did a great job of finding and falling in love with a man I can't have :(
Now at the end (and the bottom) of two years of roller coaster emotions he has made his intentions (or lack thereof) very clear. It's been 3 grueling months since his final goodbye but I have finally come to a place of "exceptance".
He spoiled me and I could never want another man again.
It seems I'm a 2 man girl :).
I had one love and I still have one husband.
I'm done with "new".


This is a strange place that I'm in. I'm floundering but I float too well to sink :).
I'm a mushy mess but I'm going to make it.
I think I have my husband to thank for that. His love is rock solid. I couldn't get rid of him if I tried (and believe me.... I've tried).
The surety of his love and his being here made it possible for me to explore and experiment.
The surety of his disapproval kept me somewhat in line but mostly it kept me creative and dishonest.
I'm supposed to feel guilty for all the above.
I'm supposed to be a lot of things that I'm not.

I'm not bragging. I'm not necessarily proud of what I've done or who I am but neither am I ashamed.
I gave 32 good, long, hard years to one man and one man only!
Then I broke under the weight of life. I was alone and very lonely. I needed deep roots to hold me up under the heaviness of a life without joy. But instead I found the burden of a forever reality and no way of escape.
I was lost, broken and without hope.

Love walked in and I fell hard.
I was ready to leave with him and never look back.
I believed in a dream.
But I was mistaken.
I was foolish and confused.
I was needy, clinging and desperate.
Love walked out.

Reality stayed.
And I will stay. I will continue to love, serve and take good care of him. He will continue to do the same for me.
My presence, the performance of my daily duties and the merest show of affection will satisfy him all the days of his life.
Unfortunately I do not feel the same satisfaction he feels.
He is content with what is. I am plagued by what isn't.

Recently he took me for ice cream and to watch the sun set. (he loves ice cream/I love sun sets)
He was content to sit in the truck, with the air blowing cold, watching the sunset with me. No words.
I was restless and frustrated. I didn't want to be in the cold truck. I wanted to be in the fresh air. I wanted to sit on the bed of the truck, swing my legs, pick out animals in the clouds, share old stories, kiss and tease.
The frustration built and I finally got out and climbed on the truck bed. A few minutes later he walked to the back and stood there. He began slapping mosquitos and complaining about the heat.
I wasn't hot and the mosquitos were the furthest thing from my mind.
It was such a perfect opportunity for my love for him to grow. Just a smile, a whisper, a stollen kiss. Anything new and different. 34 years of the same thing has grown so stale.
But he isn't that man. He will never be.
I can't stop comparing.
And he will never measure up to my dream.
 
He still requires that I live in a very tight place. My movements, my entertainment, my friends, my everything is subject to his approval and mostly his disapproval.
Just today we fought over a movie I want to see that he does not approve of. From there he digressed and his jealousy of men came out as a vicious attack.

Why is it that the thing he fears most, not being able to control me, is the thing that makes me crazy for freedom?
It has been barely 24 hours since I said what was supposed to me my final goodbye to a man who no longer wants, needs or can bear to have me in his life.
It is the right thing. But the hope, the acceptance and the dream of possibility that man gave me and the knowledge that it is all gone is a truth that tears at my soul. I am in anguish.

The war rages on.
Once again a door is shut. No matter how much I want it open it is locked tight.
I feel trapped. I am trapped. This is my life. It is not optional.
I had no options before love.
I have none now.
I must find a way to go on.

This is another day of desperation. And I am helpless against it.
I cannot share my burden. It is mine alone to bear.

"Sickness will surely take the mind
Where minds can't usually go."

Everywhere I go I see what might be your red car. There was one in my neighborhood yesterday a little before noon. Another today around noon.
When was the last time you felt the "crazy" of gnarls barkley?
Have you escaped that sickness of the mind??

I am descending once again into that darkness
... but I won't stay.

The same slippery slope I'm falling down is a future ladder to climb :).

"Ten years old
With thoughts as bold as thought can be
Loving life and becoming wise
In simplicity."
soon...

Goodbye my love. For me it was amazing.

"May you always have a seashell in your pocket and sand in your shoes."

I don't know who wrote it but I LOVE it!
Always, elle :).

I dream...

Another night of dreams, of stollen smiles and touch.
Another morning of truth.
Pictures from reality. I try to read your eyes.
What is hidden, what is truth and do you smile?
Maybe you'll find me again tonight and whisper answers sought.

We were two boats afloat in the same ocean.
Have you found your shore?? Is your footing strong and sure?
I'm still adrift. My arms are strong but tired from the struggle.

"....my eyes swollen from the sea.
I dream and in my dream you are sailing back to me."

Dates, days, years

July 20.
today

July 2.
18 days ago

April 19.
3 months, 1 day ago

April 2, 2010.
2 years, 3 months, 18 days ago

Summer 1975.
37 years ago

Just one more day to question,
last email,
last f2f,
first hello in 37 years,
forever lost.

The Soul's Expression

The Soul's Expression
"With stammering lips and insufficient sound
I strive and struggle to deliver right
That music of my nature, day and night
With dream and thought and feeling interwound
And inly answering all the senses round
With octaves of a mystic depth and height
Which step out grandly to the infinite
From the dark edges of the sensual ground."
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

 

Yesterday is gone

Woke up this morning after a good, long night sleep and realized that "yesterday" is gone.
Thank goodness! What an awful day :(
The darkness is gone. The dread is gone.

Earlier my mind started to wander to things that wound and hurt. But I just said "no".
There will be days that "no" won't mean a thing but for that moment I was strong, in control and unwilling to walk back through the door of loss, grief and pain.

I'm leaving town for a few days.
Hopefully I will reconnect to reality in a positive way and return home a little stronger and a little farther down this road of healing.

"A house does not have to be perfect to be a home of joy, a child does not have to behave perfectly to love and be loved, and every moment of life does not have to be perfect to be of value. Too often, I realize, we fail to see the glorious reality of the simple joy that abounds in the seemingly mundane routine of day-to-day living. Instead, we tend to idolize the past, idealize the future, and devalue the present.... What better way to show our appreciation for what we have than to embrace our lives, albeit 'ordinary' and 'unexciting,' with joy?"
unknown

I related immediately to this.
I idolize the past and just want to climb back into those carefree days when my life was my own and my decisions didn't rock the world of soooo many people.
I devalue the present.
I have no clue about the future.

But today the darkness is gone. Today I want to live again.
For that I give thanks.

dark beer

dark day
dark beer
dark mood
no fear
dark beer

my dream shattered

I was all smiles yesterday. Sorta.
I was all smiles this morning. Sorta.
Inside a battle rages. All the time.

I came to you on the water and you welcomed me onto the shore. Tieing my boat to your dock you took my hand and smiled.

That was my dream last night.
This morning a lady with a guitar smiled from reality...
my dream shattered...
and so did I

Another dark day...

stuggling,
tormented,
HURT,
ashamed,
obsessing,


when will it ever end?


Bitter Sweet Symphony the verve
http://youtu.be/1lyu1KKwC74

"No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold.
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no"

Just for fun :).

http://vimeo.com/44633289

Morning all!
It's early for me considering an all nighter on the couch :(
I was wide awake most of the night...
and the fun just continues.

Take a gander at this great stop motion video, "No Noodles".
I was all smiles as shark, fish and dinosaur enjoy their meal with gusto!

Much love, elle

"Yes"

It's so easy to say "no".
It requires no effort, no sacrifice, no investment...
I'm working hard at saying "yes".

Yes, I'll read you a book before nap.
Yes, I'll sing a song and pray a prayer.
Yes, I'll tuck you in tight with your special blankie, a warm hug and kiss the smile on your face.

Yes, we can watch cartoons in my bed.
Yes, we can go outside.
Yes, I can play ball with you.

What major thing in my life requires a constant "no"???
Nothing. Not anymore.
I have no deadlines to reach, no schedule to keep. No one who's opinion matters more than mine.

I have time. Time to give you a second or third bath and to wash more wet clothes from our time in the rain :).
I have a heart full of music and so much laughter to share.

Do I nurture because I'm a woman?
I don't know.
I was a business woman and loved my busy life of customers, advertising, displays, open houses, antiques...
I've been a stay at home mom and loved my busy life of coupons, groceries, meals, laundry, diapers...
I think I nurture because I can.
I've spent too many days too ill to enjoy life, too depressed to want to live :(

My life, my duties ebb and flow, change, leave and return.
It is a good life. It has survived. It is beautiful.

Yes, I can love you. I have so much to give. 


Today we read "It's Time to Sleep, My Love"...

and then we sang, "Sing, sing a song. Sing out loud. Sing out strong. Sing for good things not bad. Sing for happy not sad. La,la,la,la,la...." :)

And then they got up for water and more prayers and.... I got the wooden spoon.
All is quiet now.
Time for my lunch and a nap.
Love, elle

Life is a circle

"Life is a circle;
struggle to reach the top,
victory,
slip,
hit the bottom,
hopelessness,
hope
and struggle again.
Must keep reminding myself....
Don't give up at the bottom,
don't give up,
don't give,
don't,
do"
elle 1/30/12

I shared this on my public FB page earlier this morning. It didn't take but just a few minutes for someone to comment "don't give up. God has a plan for you.".
I knew that was the response I would get. I knew it would be from a stranger/friend. Someone who does not know me except that we graduated from the same high school some 34 years ago. Someone who doesn't even remember that I didn't graduate with my class. Someone who doesn't know about or understand my faith crisis, my marriage crisis, my thoughts, feelings, dreams or desires.
Someone who only has a "pat" answer.
And I HATE "pat" answers.

I knew no one in my family would comment.
Just like the stanger/friend, they only saw the negative in the post.
My family doesn't give "pat" answers. They just cringe, ignore it and hope it will go away.
I deleted the post.

I have felt the rumblings of "slipping" coming for several days. I am irritable, frustrated, angry, sad...
I also don't feel well. I'm fighting an ear infection. My appetite is gone and I'm very, very tired.
I am 'down' physically.

The weather has been overcast/sunny the last few days. It is cool and breezy. Outside it is my dream weather. I am inside.
Not good.
I am 'down' emotionally.

I know me. I'm slipping.
I will fall.
I will stay at the bottom for an unknown amount of time.
Then I will begin the climb.

What's so bad about that???
Nothing in my opinion.

Life IS a circle.
I'm NOT "giving up".
I always end up at "do".
No matter how tired I am. No matter how long I stay down I always come to a place of  "do".
What's wrong with reminding myself at the bottom that there's going to be a "top" again.

Days like today suck. I'm hurting. I'm tired. I'm alone. I need you so much I can't breathe. I know I am weak. I also know I am strong, that I won't stay at the bottom, that I will climb, that I will reach the top again and rest, breathe and smile.

I spent yesterday alone in my room watching episode after episode of "betrayal".  (I may have the name wrong)It's a very interesting and informative show on OWN about couples who cheat.
Each story starts out with a couple.... how they met, fell in love, married, children, life, growing apart and the eventual indiscretion of one or both.
Then the discovery, anger, pain and grief.
Every couple came to a place AFTER the affair where they were desperate enough to seek professional help. Slowly but surely most couples rebuild their marriage by learning to communicate, to talk, to listen, to prioritize, to forgive and to trust again.
I watched 4 episodes (which is 8 couples). EVERY couple except one was able to rebuild their marriage. EVERY couple said they were happier and more in love than ever before. EVERY couple was now "married to their best friend".

I'd like to say I learned a lot.
I did learn some interesting statistics.
But I already know the things it takes to make a good, strong marriage that lasts.
I already know why people have affairs of the heart and of the body.

I already know too much.
That knowledge is depressing.
I already know that my husband thinks and believes he loves me.
But in reality he loves the me in his mind and the me in his bed.
I already know that I'm not married to my best friend.

I am married to a good man.
But a good man is not always enough.
We have food on the table and good sex.
These are enough to hold him forever.
Why aren't they enough for me???

Life is a circle. Earlier in the week I was content even happy with my life and my marriage.
The circle has tilted and I have slipped into discontentment again.
I will stay here until I'm tired of my misery and sure that staying miserable is not going to change anything. I will come to a place once again of acceptance. One day I will wake up and find myself smiling at nothing.
I will find that I made the climb to the top. That it was in the struggle to accept that I climbed.
.
Life is a circle. We struggle. We climb. We rejoice. We survive...
elle


I WILL SURVIVE (the movie 'the replacements')
http://youtu.be/I-7GzYuPP7M

She Believes In Me

She Believes In Me kenny rogers
http://youtu.be/EaBMxlUjLZQ

I was listening to an oldies station a few days ago. Of course I was singing along and enjoying the journey back in time.
When this song came on time just stood still. I don't know why. I closed my eyes and felt hot tears falling from my eyes.

That's how life is lately. One moment involved in the ordinary.... the next swept without warning into your arms.
One moment feeling nothing in particular and the next finding myself smiling at you.

One moment content....the next overwhelmed with lonely.

I keep telling myself that happiness is a choice. That love is a choice.
But I have no choice when it comes to you. I don't choose the moments. I don't choose the smiles. I don't choose the ache.
It finds me and then I choose.
I choose to stay in the moment and let the smiles turn to tears or I choose to block it, to turn away.
But it will return.
You are part of me. A part that is still confusing. A part I can't figure out.
You are a part of me that I believe in. To lose you would be to lose a part of me that I'm not ready, and unable, to be without... not yet.

Finding the good

On the porch with one of the grands enjoying the cool morning.
My body temperature is quite different from my husbands. 89 degrees in the evening is perfectly fine with me. A stray breeze is cause for a celebration and I'm tickled pink to sit in the warm humidity.
If he were here he would sit and drink coffee with me because he loves me and wants to be with me. He wouldn't complain about the heat or the humidity, even though he would be miserable.
We are different in that way too. He doesn't complain. He suffers in silence
Not me. I suffer quite vocally :).

"Finding the good in life" is a thought process that sort of crept up on me.
I wasn't "willing" myself to find the good. Instead I was just very thankful to be out of bed and functioning on a "slowly but surely" level.
Then I started finding myself smiling at the strangest things.

The first time I noticed this new joy I was standing in my great room smiling at the colors of my walls: they're beautiful. Everything I unpack, love and decide to keep fits perfectly with the other treasures.
If I don't love it, I sell it.
I no longer feel the need to have and to keep everything.
Less really is more.
I no longer obsess over stuff. In comparison to the past, my home could now be called "sparse". But I like it this way. Less to clean. More to enjoy.
I now see the beauty in my home.

I also smile without ceasing at the birds, our tiny garden, my beautiful flowering plants and the sun as it's setting.

I've started walking again in the evenings. I work my walk around the colors of dusk. I speed up or slow down in order to be at just the right spot when the colors of orange, blue & pink are at their boldest.
The neighborhood dogs and my husband walk with me some evenings and we chat. Other times I walk alone. But I don't mind anymore. I'm learning to be alone again without being desperately lonely.

I am learning to choose happiness. I'm learning to choose love.
Life has a way of disappointing and I know that all too well.
It also has a way of surprising.
I'm thankful that even when I wasn't looking, and had quit believing that there was good to be found, that it found me.... and gave me back my smile.