Gulf storm

"If you live your whole life waiting for the storm you'll never enjoy the sunshine."
Morris West
(photo Michael Harris)

all grown up

evaporate, elongate, initiate, intimidate
empower, over me tower, wet from your shower
we sink
dissolve, fall to your knees, encourage, stay...... please
recline, decline, surrender, over, under, the fire of desire
touch, crave, slave, don't behave, repay...... stay
entwined

new things and old words

New things I've tried this week;
I drove a 2013 60th Anniversary Edition Corvette convertible :). SWEET!!!
The only thing new about this is the newness of the vehicle. My love for fast cars and speed is as old as I can remember.
I once drove my son in laws new Cadillac at 135 mph and my dads new BMW at 155.
I owned and loved a big 4 door diesel truck for several years and I can tell you that when I'm in a big powerful vehicle my personality changes.
I'm an entirely different person in my old lady mini van than I am in something sporty.
I get attitude! Serious attitude. "Get the f out of my way I'm bigger and badder than you" attitude :). And I love it!!!

My husband bought the van 6 years ago when our oldest daughter and her 3 little boys were living with us. I fell out of the big truck twice trying to load babies into car seats while balancing on a running board.
I went to work one day and came home to the blue bomb. My 4th mini van! A terrible blow to this lover of fast, sexy cars.
The only say I had in the decision was "a TV". Which translates into a DVD player. Now 6 years later we have daughter #2 living with us and her 2 little boys.
The blue bomb has been a blessing. It has entertained all 14 grands. It is dependable. I don't pay for speeding tickets or extra insurance. I continue to drive it because I believe you should drive a vehicle 'till the wheels fall off. No matter how "un cool" it looks.

So I dream of fast, sexy cars and drive other peoples as often as I can :).

The next new thing I did was play golf.
Everything about that experience was new (except driving the cart).
I absolutely loved it!!! I knew I would.
I have a long way to go before I'm the new Tigress Woods! I am totally confused as to which club to use and my drive needs distance. But I'm a quick learner and a good student.
I'm looking for a partner to help me with the basics. I have the perfect one in mind..... but it's complicated :).

Now to "old words";
I am always amazed at how quickly a situation can change.
I will struggle, struggle and struggle with an area. I will fight with myself until I become overwhelmed by my inability to change.
I can become so discouraged over a situation, attitude or mind set that I can't see any progress. Too often I've declared myself a complete failure and given up in despair.
Then one day I wake up and it's done. The battle is over. I don't know how or when the victory came but "it is finished".
I have no explanation for this, but I can point to time after time that it has happened, and I am still amazed.

Example:
My weight.
I shared the other day that I am struggling again with my weight. I lost 35 lbs last year and found 15 of it this year :(
I am too stubborn to buy new clothes to accomodate my spread.
I have a piss poor attitude concerning the fact that I can't get into 80% of my new clothes.
I want comfort food more than skinny jeans!
This has been my life for the past few months.

Last week I declared "no man, no motivation." It was the truth. I meant every word I said.
But I wasn't happy with the mindset behind the words. Why can't I lose weight for me? Why don't I feel good enough about myself, without him, to look and feel better? Am I willing to give up sexy just because he isn't here to enjoy it????
These questions kept bothering me. Part of this journey I'm on is about "doing and being" without the need of someone else's insistence or approval. It's a journey to be "me". Not another person's version of me.
Where does this come from??? How did my body image get so twisted? Why do I associate the way I look with my value as a person?
That was easy to answer; the only man in my life who has ever judged my worth based on my looks is my father. Once again I had allowed the old bastard to rule in my thoughts, feelings and decisions.

I asked myself the question my therapist would ask every session, "what do you want elle?"
I want to be thinner. I want to feel sexy. I want to sunbathe and fish in the nude. That's me!
I did all those things last year when I was thinner. I did feel sexy and I loved it!!!
My body is getting older every day. I don't want to waste anymore time.

That was it! Change came! I have been walking every evening, lifting weights again, dancing and doing yoga/ballet. I love it! I love the sensuality of movement.
It's easy to ignore the M&M's on my counter and to prefer my bikini's over bread and butter.

More Than A Woman bee gees (Saturday Night Live 1978)
http://youtu.be/HjZmSkUL6Ws

"Oh, girl I've known you very well
I've seen you growing everyday
I never really looked before
but now you take my breath away."

(Thanks to "Super Marcey's Super Website" for her "Movie Song of the Week")

 

Just stuff

It is a lovely 77 degrees outside this morning with low humidity!! Perfect :).

I'm watching the boys play. One is very phlegmatic (laid back). He can play alone for hours with a piece of string, a car and a plastic cow. He is a happy baby boy :).
The other is very melancholic (up tight). He is picky and whiny. He needs to be right, to be heard, to be first. He is selfish and high maintenance. He's very smart!
I don't want to label him an 'unhappy' child. How unhappy can you be at 4??? All his needs are met. He is loved, played with, read to, fed, clean..
But he is only happy when things are going his way (which is not near enough for him). He is soooo much like his Nana.
I love him.
I understand him. I know what goes on in that little mind. I know that lonely look behind his beautiful blue eyes.
He feels deeply. Even at his young age he understands loss. He feels grief and cries for his no good, low life father who doesn't give a s--t about him.
Children shouldn't come into the world melancholic. They should all be phlegmatic (laid back) and sanguin (fun).
So should Nanas. I try really hard :).

I'm going golfing tomorrow. My first time. My neighbor is taking me. We are taking the kids :(
Her only 2 grandsons are also 2 on my 10. (is that clear as mud? LOL! :)
My son is married to her daughter and we are going golfing with 4 little boys.
Sorta dampens my excitement.
But it's golf and it's outside! YES!!!

I'm gaining weight again :(
My motivation to look young and thin has wained.
My real motivation was another man. One of those flashbacks to the past that had nowhere to go. It caught me by surprise, took me to amazing heights and then broke my poor little heart :(
No man, no motivation.

I consider myself to be a "southern lady" in the style of Weezer from Steel Magnolias and Josie from Tombstone (movies :).
This is not the same southern lady I was 3 years ago. I was a church going, Bible toting, faithful wife and mother. I'm still a mother (and a wife).

I have become the banana pudding queen!
Here in the south it is imperative that you make banana pudding from scratch. I am a good cook but never mastered that art. My youngest son turned 25 earlier this month. For his birthday he asked for banana pudding. That's all it took. This momma can now cook a mean puddin'!

Most southern traditions center around food. In my effort to find my nitche in this world I have settled for what is within the tight confines of my life. I have a large family and I can cook. So I cook. My kids and grands come to eat, I clean up and that's pretty much it. Which leads me to the next thing....

My "faith" crisis is putting a wedge of seperation into our family. I see it growing and feel helpless to change it. I go to church with my family but I am just an observer. My days as an active participant are gone.
That's all I feel like saying on that subject.

I'm getting melancholic.
Time to turn off the computer and put on my mask. Time to cook and clean, take care of the kiddos, cook and clean...
But first I'm going to enjoy this cool breeze and water my beautiful plants :).

I'll let you know how the golfing goes!

Blessings :)
elle

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will th...

ink of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. ~ Bob Marley

What do you think???
I don't have an opinion (rare :).
But I'd like to know. Is there only one?
What if you let a good thing go in search of the "only one"?
Share what you've learned about love and life.
"Comment" away..... 

Welcome new follower!!!!
I'd love to hear from you and all my readers.

I love "comments" so leave yours here :)
elle

An observer

I stood looking out the window earlier. I went from the front of the house to the back. Green grass, blue sky. I've done this for as long as I can remember. Stand and look out.
"On the inside looking out", an observer and not a participant.

Have you ever heard of the experiment where they put a fish in a tank with a glass partition? The fish hits the partition over and over in an attempt to reach the water on the other side. Repeated attempts only prove that there is no way around the glass and to the other side. The fish gives up trying to break through the unbreakable barrier. It is a fact that is accepted. A learned behavior.
Then the glass partition is removed. The fish has free reign of the entire tank. But it does not venture into these new waters. The learned behavior remains. The fish will live it's entire life in only half of the tank. To the fish the other side is not reachable therefore there is no point trying.

Is the fish stupid? It's easy to think so when you know that the glass has been removed. You are judging from a position of freedom. The fish doesn't have the luxury of your knowledge.
From the fish' point of view there is no need to continue to run into a glass wall over and over.
He is on the inside looking out. An observer.
So am I.

There are days that I feel motivated, empowered and alive. On those days I walk in and out of my house. I make choices and decisions. I smile, sing, dance and laugh. Lovely :)
There are other days that I feel unmotivated, defeated and hollow. On those days I exist. I stand at my window and look out at the beauty. A kind of defeat weighs on me.
I have good days and bad like everyone does.
BUT I am always limited. There is ALWAYS a glass wall. There are always the "rules". Many unspoken, some I've pushed against, all inpenetrable.

I am struggling. I have been struggling for many, many years.
My life is good on one hand. I am well cared for, surrounded by a big, strong family and loved by a very good man.
On the other hand my life is a cage. What I do, what I watch, what I dream are all controlled by the same good man. His "rules" are very stringent.
When I first married, 34 years ago, I needed security. The rules didn't matter. I would gladly surrender my freedom to be safe.
Somewhere along the way I grew very aware of what surrender had cost me. Very aware of the walls of this cage. As time goes on I hate them more and more. I am trapped. I really have no choices.
As long as I can remember I was controlled by lack, fear, neglect, lonliness and anger.
Then I married. I am now controlled by responsibility and guilt. I am desperately lonely.

I stand and look at the world. I cannot reach beyond my cage. I must live within my confines, within the "rules".
Some days I am content, others I am angry. But never am I free.


From the movie "Tombstone" with Kurt Russell
http://youtu.be/CMeM_pTiMfE

This is one of my favorite movie scenes. The chemistry is wonderful and sexy.
If you don't care to watch all of it then start at 3 min & stop at 5:37

Josie: "well I'm always happy.... unless I'm bored"
Josie: "I'm a woman, I like men. If that means I'm not "lady-like", then I guess I'm just not a lady! At least I'm honest."
Wyatt Earp: "You're different. No arguin' that. But you're a lady alright. I'd take my oath on it."


That's what I want... to be different.
(Tombston is based on the true story of Wyatt Earp. Despite the fact that he is already married he and Josie fall in love and in time they marry and live out their lives together. I guess "bad" girls make good wives too. :)

It's too late to hold my breath

I worked so hard on the post "Holding my breath". I wrote, rewrote, thought and thought some more.

I tried to get it just right.

I can be such a fool. There is no way to make a wrong right. I can call it right all day. I can FEEL the rightness of it.  BUT I'm alone in this. Everyone else calls it wrong.

I'm not holding my breath. It's too late to hold my breath. Dead people don't have a breath to hold!
This is my fault. I jumped into deep unknown waters and quickly lost my sense of direction. Before I knew what was happening I had lost all strenth. I cried out for help but it was too late. Powers stronger, wiser and with the intention of destruction moved in quickly. There was no help for me. I was swamped, overtaken and destroyed.

It's impossible to raise the dead. It's impossible to turn death into life.
I've worked so hard trying to convince myself otherwise.
I can't make a wrong right.

The truth is that I cannot do this.
I cannot bear this burden. I don't want to go on alone but I have no other choice.

Today is a bad day for me. Another day of loss.
I kept holding my breath, holding onto a dream, a hope, an illusion.
It doesn't exist. I am holding onto nothingness....

I'm very tired. I have no strengh or will left. If only life would stop and let me off for awhile.
I'm going to try to rest and then I'm going to pull this empty shell up, prop it up, paint it up and parade it like an empty pinata.
I was empty before. I am more empty now.
I was alone before. I am more alone now. Some things never change

Dimming of the Day alison krauss
http://youtu.be/e_BoIQ2scbIThis old house is falling down around my ears
I'm drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day

You pulled me like the moon pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side

What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day

Come the night you're only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant

I see you the street and in company
Why don't you come and ease your mind with me
I'm living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day

I need you at the dimming of the day

Holding my breath....

It's Thursday. I've written and rewritten this post at least 8 times since I first posted it on Monday.
It's not that I couldn't get the words right. They're the same words I've been sharing for 2 years. What's changed is the thoughts behind the words. What's changed is me. I've changed and I didn't even recognize it until I read my words and realized that they no longer "fit".

I'm going to try again. I'm going to try to find new words to describe the new things I feel.
From Monday:

"Your words from Friday caught in my heart and I've been holding them all weekend.
"I'm missing you like crazy"  ran over and over in my mind. I kept rereading mine, "It's just a "weird" day. Don't let it confuse or derail you. I have that effect on people (you :)".

I wrote those words to you but I was really reminding myself, "It's just a weird day" Elle. He's "missing you like crazy" TODAY, but tomorrow will be a new day. He may think he needs you today but by Monday he will be renewed and things will look so different. "Don't let it confuse or derail you". He has "that effect on you".
And you do :)

I continue to look for you every morning 'just in case'. Today you were there and I smiled as I held my breath. A nervous anticipation filled me. "Don't let it confuse or derail you" I reminded myself.

Later I found the picture of you smiling so gorgeously. 'Be still my heart'!
You definitely have that "effect" on me.

I'm headed in the right direction.
There was a day when just one word from you and I would have gladly taken a running leap. No clue to where, but I didn't care.
Days came when you did speak words and I did jump. My timing wasn't good. My understanding was worse. I really was derailed and confused.
Those days are gone. I no longer leap blindly."

But that doesn't mean I've let you go. I still look for you everywhere I go. I can't wait to hear from you.
You still take my breath away....

What has changed?
Me.
I'm finding contentment in my life and in the love of my husband. More importantly I'm finding peace within myself.

The truth hurt so badly for so long that at times I felt like my skin was being ripped off. You know how desperately and irrationally I've behaved.
But your determination to remain Ex Communicare began to work. The farther you were from me the closer I got to him.
In the same way, the closer you get to me, the farther I get from him.

Any contact from you does threaten to derail me. But instead of slipping into confusion I find myself pulling from deep inside. I remind myself that you aren't mine. When that truth begins to drag me under I take control. Instead of sitting around waiting, frustrated, depressed, angry....I get up, turn off the computer and get busy!
My house is spotless :).

I still love you. Truly, madly and deeply! I don't ever want to lose you. My desire is to find a way to move on with my life and still have you in it. 
We could make it so we never touch again. Never write, never share, go our own way. I know that was your intention. But just the thought takes my breath away and I feel the scales crashing and taking me with them.

F. Scott Fitzgerald once said:
"All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath."  
I think the same thing could be said about 'all good love'.
Both move people. Both involve passion, require risk and both are so worth the effort.
Not everyone can do it. Not everyone can swim under water and hold their breath.
Not everyone can find 'good love' and not drown in it.
I couldn't.... but it was the sweetest swim I've ever had <3

I have chosen to keep writing, loving and dreaming.
I have chosen to keep holding my breath for the things that matter.

Science & Soul

Science says;
The Scientific Power of Music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SePL2w5f6dE
sound waves, frequency, Neurotransmitters, dopamine, brain, drug, arousal, crave, addiction

The soul says:
"and when my mind is free..
You know a melody can move me.
And when I'm feelin blue...
A guitar's comin' through to sooth me.
Thanks for the joy that you've given me.
I want you to know that I believe in your song.
Your rhythm and rhyme and harmony
You've helped me along
Makin' me strong..!"

Drift Away dobie gray
http://youtu.be/fyXnsTZzqQA


I say:
who cares...
No really I have a lot to say (always :).
Addiction, relaxation, music, love, sex, pleasure, pain, water, sun....
I have a lot to say about everything. But right now let's not talk. Right now my soul just wants to drift away....

I write

tossed
shifted
rolled
sifted
elle


"I learned that you should FEEL when writing, not like Lord Byron on a mountain top, but like a child stringing beads in kindergarten—happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another."—Brenda Ueland

"I can do these things, because I am a Very Great Writer Typist. This is a rambling, self-indulgent piece of typing, in two parts. I had to put it here, but you don't have to read it. Honestly. Thanks."
P. J. DeGenaro

I too am a "Very Great Writer Typist".
"Rambling and Self-indulgent", a very good description of my blog.
"but you don't have to read it. Honestly"

Nope you don't. But I Do have to write.
I've been gathering the best of others blogs this morning and thoroughly enjoying the ride. I've been around the world with people I wish I had the privilege to meet . I went bike riding in Germany @ 'Tease Your Toes', loved a great series of advertising clips, "move" & "learn" and made a quick trip to Disney where I learned more about grieving from 'Captian Imperfecto'.
My favorite of all was a moving piece from 'Brittains Got More Talent'. A man named Eugene with guts, a passion and a message showed the 'nay-sayers' how wrong we can be when we judge "a book by it's cover".

Sitting outside with the boys listening to them argue about everything. The birds are having it out on the back fence and I'm blissfully ignoring it.
Instead I am carried away by the breeze. I close my eyes and rest. Words begin to string themselves. I couldn't stop them if I wanted. And I don't.
I am "happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another".
I am writing.

I am moving and learning.
I am bathed in the warmth of the day and in the knowledge that the grief that gripped me, tossed me, shifted, rolled and sifted me has found it's way away from my shore for today.
Rest. What a gift to be treasured.
And I do... elle

links:
http://youtu.be/-BrDlrytgm8 "move"

http://youtu.be/Xc0d510zTA4 "learn"

http://youtu.be/vVL1_YEHZV4 "eugene"

Just'in Case

Justin Case calls me all the time. I wake up and like auto pilot I reach for the laptop. Better check my email, just in case.
It's time to plan my day and I can hear his whisper, 'what if ???.... so you might want to wear this instead of that, re-shave your legs and be sure to use the lotion that smells so good. Just in case.'
It's time to leave the house and I need to go one direction but the park is the other. I have no reason to go out of my way but 'what if ?'
Guess I'll go the long way around and run by the park. Just in case.

It's not like there's been any 'what if's' in my life lately. It's been almost 4 months. What am I waiting for?
But still I wait.
Is it the anticipation of the maybe that has me hooked or is it the finality of letting go?
Either way I'm very intimate with Just'in Case and nobody even knows.

I was also good friends, then friends, then casual aquaintances, followed by mostly forgotten and finally just outright avoided by his brother Justin Yurhart. I really miss him.
He was such a great guy. Funny and loving, needy in a puppy dog way (you know how a puppy can look at you with those special eyes and you just want to curl him up in your lap, kiss him, keep him safe and be his one and only forever???). That's what I mean. Great eyes and a cock of the head that just melted my heart.

I know those sweet days are over...but 'just in case' you want to 'run into each other' .... give me a call :).

Souvenirs

"I close my eyes and go back in time
I can see you smiling, you're so alive
I close my eyes and go back in time
You were just a child and, and so was I
We were so young
We had no fear
We were so young
We had no idea
That nothing lasts forever"
SOUVENIRS switchfoot
http://youtu.be/M8n-rKCSQ0A

I keep my souvenirs in a tiny box tucked in the back of my mind. A deck of cards, a gum wrapper chain and green daisies on a twin bed.
Scattered around are bits & pieces of broken shells, bits & pieces of a young girl lost.
I can see her smile and feel her dance. I keep them locked deep inside my heart.
She has been in hiding for so long that sometimes I wonder if she's merely a dream.

I know her best at the water where I feel her as an ache and as a fire.  Her song rises with the sound of the waves and she ever moves under my feet like the shifting of the sand. Impossible to capture or to hold.
This little box of souvenirs is all that remains...and often I wonder 'was she even real?'

 A treasure can be something hidden and found that you never knew was there.
One day unknown and the next cradled like gold in your hands.
So are the memories that you held. Ever present in your life and deeply hidden from mine. Souvenirs (reminders) to you, treasures now to me.

I carry them very close. Private, cherished and hidden away.
I loved it when you would take them out, and your voice as you recounted them one by one. You would always ask, "don't you remember that?" and I would slowly shake my head no.
"Tell me again", I smiled.

My little box has grown much larger. Memories of long ago mixed with yesterday. A song, a smile, a giggle, a touch. These I remember and I love each so much.

My souvenirs...

letting go...

Not sure if I want to. (i don't)
Not sure if I have a choice. (i don't)

Sometimes (often) in life it doesn't matter what you (I) want. You (I) just have to take what you're (I'm) given and do the best you (I) can with it.
Do I have to let you go? No
Can I keep you? Only in my heart

So what next?
Keep evaluating;
is this need, this love, this obsession worth the cost to my health, my emotions, my relationships?
how do I let go?
can I live with the finality of letting you go?

Still more questions than answers. Still makes me sad.
Every morning I open my eyes and you are here. Every day my response is different. But there are less smiles.

Do I feel more pain or more happiness since I found you????

That's a hard one. The happiness I feel with you is sooo intense. The pain without you is horrid.

The freedom I found with you was so liberating; like a bird loosed from a cage
The freedom I found with you was so limited; like being in a glass house. I can see the sky but I will never fly.

I can never forget.

No matter how deep this loss is I will never forget you.
How do I let go???
I can start by not sending you a link to this post or the post from Tuesday night or the ones you missed from last week.
I can face as much truth as I can handle for this moment.
I can begin to let go of the words, the music and the memories that make you so alive to me.
How do I let go?
One moment at a time
What do I let go of?
Us

I will miss the laughter. I will miss your smile. I will miss the music in my heart....