Strange things have surrounded my thinking lately.
Strange dreams, strange ideas, strange fears....
Combine the strange with the uncertainty that haunts me daily and the rather unsettling combination is dark . Such was my week....
First I dreamt I had a lesbian lover.
I've feared for long that I wasn't normal or right or acceptable. If my dream were to prove true then I'm really screwed or "un"screwed it would seem :).
I'm not afraid of my sexuality.
I love sex.
I love men and all the wonderful "things" that make them male. I would not want to be denied the passion and pleasures I have only recently rediscovered.
I'm more afraid that my need to be "understood and accepted" would push me to the only thing that could free me from this "straight and narrow" life that is slowly destroying me.
Next I struggled with despair.
Same root fear; I'm flawed somehow.
Two weeks ago I liked me and saw potential...
but not this week.
This week "the old" hangs like a huge, wet sail, wrapped around my body.
What was designed to give flight and freedom, to propel across the frothy sea has instead turned. A cooling breeze turned dead.
I am weighted, slowly drowning, without hope of deliverance.
There are no saviors. My biggest fear of all has proven itself true. No one can rescue me.
It is a strange day in a strange week. A bass filled song that repeats itself with regularity in the story that is my life.
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