My heart tattoo

I'm not wild about people explaining "why" they haven't blogged....
like they've been "too busy".... yada, yada, yada....

I've never heard anyone say "I was tired of blogging about my negative attitude, I've been really depressed and accomplished zero, nothing in my life has changed"... yada, yada, yada.
But that's me.

My mind is just aflutter with thoughts lately.
I truly have no one to talk too and talking to myself????
borrrring! :)

This morning I woke up cranky. My hubby brought me coffee in bed... just like everyday...
I felt so lousy, so guilty, so unfair....
how would I feel, if I was deeply in love and dedicated to him, and he treated me with the same disdain I show him. My "you're not wanted" attitude is sad, BUT how do you pretend you want someone when you DON'T?
I live in a constant state of confusion.
????? a question mark is tattooed on my heart.

This is the same quandary I've faced for years. It's grown from a little bug in my ear to a pounding, ever present crescendo....
Can I live this life?
What are my choices???
I HAVE no choices.
I CANNOT leave this marriage.
Only death can separate us... but I don't want to die and he deserves to live and live happy.
My husband is the one in this relationship who has given, sacrificed and dedicated himself.
I'm the one who took.
I'm the one with the most emotional baggage. The one in addiction for 30 + years.
I've always seen myself as the "bad" one and him as the "good" one.
It only makes sense that the "bad" one should die and the "good" one live.
This is my life....
a strange version of the "walking dead"...
a perfect example of "quiet desperation".

I don't know how to go back to the subservient, mildly content, safe, compliant woman from 3 years ago.
I don't know how to move ahead.

I will do my best to write more. Not because you want to hear more of my whining crap :)
but because I do think good things, worthy things, interesting things...
just not as often as I'd like.

AND there is so much music I've wasted. So many fabulous songs I long to share....

Always, elle