New music, new challenge, old fears

OLD PINE ben howard
http://youtu.be/KiglLBLkzeg

Surfing blogspot looking for interesting people ALWAYS yields great results. I found myself on a great site for music, water and lovers of surf called "SoulBlog."

Check out their beautiful video: "Fathoms Left to Fall"
http://iluvsoul.blogspot.com/2012/04/fathoms-left-to-fall.html

A search for the music played on "Fathoms" led me to the video "Old Pine" where I fell in love with an acoustic guitar, a cello and the beautiful blending of smiling musicians and lovely harmony.
I played the cello and sang beautifully at one time.
I also loved an acoustic guitar player.
But unfortunately...
not at the same time.

Since I began this blog I have walked through debilitating depression, suicidal thoughts and the decision to leave my marriage.
I have made amazing progress in these past 11 months!
I am mostly depression free. I want to live and I love my husband very dearly :).
Good stuff!!

My new challenge is finding a way through obsession.

An Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be anything from gambling to checking door knobs.
My obsessions have ranged from sex to spending, from door knobs, counting, typing in my head to clicking my teeth.
Most people who have obsessions have a difficult time with uneven numbers. I'm no exception. For years I counted squares on the floor, syllables and how many slats there are on my miniblinds. I would add and subtract or even move my chair to hide an extra square. Whatever it took to have an even number.
According to my therapist an obsession is based in fear. The fear that if you don't do a certain activity that something bad is going to happen. OR an escape from something that causes fear.
Obsessions are very time consuming and draining. The hiding, the planning, the waiting by the phone or computer can consume hours and days.

I don't remember a time that I wasn't obsessed with something. They followed me through adolesence and into adulthood. When I turned 50 the obsession with "something" became an obsession with "someone".
The old fears crept slowly back in. The fear of discovery. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection.

His (my therapists) answer to the problem: Just quit. Quit counting the squares on the floor. Quit checking the door knob to make sure it's locked. Just quit...
And so I did. And he was right....nothing bad happened.

I have been able to overcome many of the some'things'... but not the some'one'.

I was an addictive/obsessive spender with thousands of dollars in hidden debt for years and years. But the fear, the rush and the need of spending never touched the fear, the rush, and the need of some'one'.
My nights, my days, my songs, my laughter and my tears all say "someone".

What to do??
Don't give up.
Face my new challenge and my old fears.
Enjoy some new music :).


A few of my favorite lyrics from Ben Howard:
"No man is an island, this I know.
 But can't you see?
 Maybe you were the ocean when I was just a stone."

"And the birds still sing outside
 These windows where we sat together
 Like nothing ever happened here."

"Cause I don't want to,
 To trouble your mind with the childish design
 Of how it all should go.
 But I love you so.
 When it all comes clear,
 When the wind is settled,
 I'll be here, you know."

"Go your way,
 I'll take the long way 'round,
 I'll find my own way down
 As I should.

There'll be oats in the water
There'll be birds on the ground
There'll be things you never asked her,
Oh how they tear at you now."

"Hot sand on toes
 Cold sand in sleeping bags.
 I've come to know the friends around you
 Are all you'll always have.
 Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone
 Careless and young, free as the birds that fly
 With weightless souls now.

We grow, grow, steady as the morning
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, steady as the flowers
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still"

"Darling you're with me, always around me.
 Only love, only love.
 Darling I feel you, under my body.
 Only love, only love.
 Give me shelter, or show me heart.

 Give me love, give me love.
 Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart."

"I been worryin' that my time is a little unclear
 I been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
 I been worryin that we all live our lives
 In the confines of fear.
 Oh I will become what I deserve
 
 I been worryin', I been worryin'
 I will become what I deserve."
I obsess over getting things "right". (I will rewrite this post a minimum of 3 times.) Only sharing one line to a song is almost unaccepable. I did so good 'till this last song.
I think I'm getting tired and I can't choose my favorite line, so I just copied and pasted the whole thing :).
Sorry...


"I spent my time watchin' the spaces that have grown between us.
And I cut my mind on second best or the scars that come with the greeness.
And I gave my eyes to the boredom, still the seabed wouldn't let me in,
and I tried my best to embrace the darkness in which I swim.
Oh the darkness in which I swim.

I'm walkin' back down this mountain
with the strength of a turnin' tide
Oh the winds so soft on my skin,
The sun so hard upon my side.
Oh lookin' out at this happiness,
I search for between the sheets.
Oh feelin' blind and realize,
All I was searchin' for was me.
Oh all I was searchin' for was me.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your hair,
Keep your hair long.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same,
Eyes like wild flowers, with your demons of change.
May you find happiness there,
May all your hopes all turn out right.
Oh may you find happiness there,
may you find warmth in the middle of the night. I saw a friend of mine the other day,
and he told me that my eyes were gleamin'.
Oh I said I had been away, and he knew,
oh he knew the depths I was meanin'.
And it felt so good to see his face,
or the comfort invested in my soul.
Oh to feel the warmth of a smile,
when he said "I'm happy to have you home."
Ooh I'm happy to have ya home.

And I showed my body to the sea again,
and I laughed at her for bein' so cruel.
And I left these broken bottles, and empty cooridors.
And I walked right on through.
And I never, I never dream of you.
Oh honey I never, I never dream of you."

I journey on.
Much love, elle