Decisions, decisions

Today I had to make the decision whether to spend time with my daughter & grands, shopping and eating out, or staying home and cleaning.
I chose to play rather than stay.
(I do have to question if shopping with 2 active boys is my idea of a play day :)

I'm at stay at home Nana. I have a daughter who lives with us and I keep her 2 & 4 year old's while she works. I keep the household running smoothly, meals cooked, kids happy and house clean. I do a good job. I do it with joy :).

Not all my decisions are that easy.
Not all of my life runs that smoothly and with joy.
Instead it is messy and uncomfortable and downright dirty at times.

Is it really as easy as just "try harder"?
I'm a strong woman. I can do hard things. I can stay and try harder to be who I used to be. To be more acceptable. I can close my heart to the me who is fun and adventurous. Turn my back on the me who likes "iffy" jokes, cold beer and being nude in the sun. But I like the new me. I really, really do :).
I can try harder, but should I???

Sometimes I can't help but ask "why?". Why do I stay??
Is it to save face, the family name, to bring honor and not shame to my husband and children?
So many people do all the "right" things for what is seemingly the "right" reasons. But is it right to do right simply for the sake of right?
I know the answer is "yes" but it feels so "wrong".

Am I asking for too much?
Am I unthankful?
When is enough, enough?
When do you throw in the towel?
Am I wrong to want passion and not just familiarity? Am I being selfish because I long for a companion and not just someone to occupy a space in my bed?
I want to be "in love".
I want to laugh again.
Is that wrong???

The decision would seem so easy if I could ask myself "do you want someone who enjoys you? or are you willing to spend another 35 years with someone who only tolerates you?"
Ask it another way, "Do I want to be with someone I enjoy or someone I just tolerate?"
It might appear easy BUT it's not. It's not just about what I want or don't want.
It's about a thousand roots tangled together with no way to seperate one from the other. No way to dislodge one without destroying the entire system.

So everyday I wake up and make the decision, once again, to stay.