Magical Moments vs Borrowed Music

                                                                                                                                                        
Let's begin with a truth: Some things just don't make sense. (translated: I like things to go my way)
Yesterday I cried all day, refused to get up, get dressed and get out.
 Because of that decision I missed an afternoon filled with the possibility of magical moments.
These are moments I wait for with unbridled anticipation. They are rare gifts that I cannot control or conjure, cannot dream or demand.   
 I was so close to the thing I dream and wait for. But my unwillingness to push through the darkness cost me dawn. 

I traded my magical moments for borrowed music.


"Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them" Oliver Wendell Holmes


Let's go back and see what I was doing while what "could have been" was fading "into the mystic" without me.


"Borrowing music" has seriously broadened my horizons. 
I find the best music for borrowing is from the Face Book pages of people under 30. 
I learned the hard way that when a post says something that I can't really figure out, don't comment! First, Google it!!! It's often lyrics, and you will look like a really old person if you try to apply some great "life lesson" out of your vast coffer of experience!!
So I just glean, don't comment and move along. 
Not only do these "kids" have their own language, that I totally don't get, but concerning music they are into and aware of a completely different genre than I. This all fits perfectly with my "mid-life" crisis since I find that I desperately NEED to hold onto my youth.

First song for today: 
"Unwell" (or I'm Not Crazy") by Matchbox 20, 2006
http://youtu.be/HDCUnLM6UUc 


Absolutely love this song!! Hello world, I'm not the only one! 
 "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. 
   I know right now you can't tell
   But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
  A different side of me"


I really need a T-shirt with this printed on it. I would wear it nearly everyday. I would wear it to church! I would plaster it all over my public Face Book page. 


People look at me or read my "public" posts and get really confused. I can understand that.
Looking at me you would see a well put together, attractive, middle aged woman. A woman with the perfect life. A wonderful husband, great kids and an army of grandkids. I am well spoken, a talented decorator, ran a successful business for years and live in a beautiful home. I am pampered, primped & primed for life.


Get to know me. You will find out that I had a 30 year addiction. I currently suffer from severe chronic depression. I seldom leave my house. I had a semi-"affair" of the heart. On my list of "What Do You Want to Do With Your Life?", it took me 3 full weeks to write "I don't want to die". I'm still working on "I Want To Live", BUT I have added, that if I could start over, I would want to do something that included music, hence this blog. I would make a great college professor, but first I have to GO to college. I personally think the "college of my really rough and strange life" should be enough, but I don't think it would get me very far on a job application.


I grabbed my journal and here is the actual list "What I Want To Do With My Life";
*I don't want to die 
*Live without fear
*Laugh 
*Write- blog? about music/life? 
    (I always wanted to teach because I like to talk and give my opinion)
 *Music in my life (choir, play the piano...) 
*Have fun- (mom prom?.... )  
*Dance- line dancing, tap, ballet & interpretive dancing  


This list took me months to compose. I have lived an entire life in fear, much of it wishing I weren't alive and little of it having fun or laughing. My life can be broken into sections:
 *birth through early teens- fear, neglect, abuse 
 *teens- looking for love in all the wrong places, (usually between someones legs) in a  desperate attempt to be loved and protected  
 *late teens through April, 2010- hiding in a world where I was safe but one  
 where who I really was was hidden, even from myself, out of fear 
 *April, 2010- today-????? I'm confused and I'm clueless as to how to sort it all out. 
 * Today until... I just want to live free of fear, have fun, laugh, dance & love for all the right   reasons. I want to do these things without guilt or regret. 


I know I have made a difference in many peoples lives. I have touched and loved, given and shared. If that is the measure of life then mine is one of success. But when the truth is known, when the fear and the pain are revealed, it was not worth it if I die having been true to everyone but me. It is from this point that I struggle forward. I want to be made whole. I want to give out of the abundance of life not out of the fear of loss. Does that make any sense? In truth, a healthy me wouldn't need your stamp of approval.
At this point in my life I feel selfish and "bad". My therapist is the only one who encourages the selfishness and challenges the "bad" constantly. Supposedly, according to him, until I learn to love who I am and to consider myself as having the same value and worth as you, then I am to continue to look through the eyes of "self". He promises that once I've mastered that then I will be ready to look through the eyes of "health". 


This is part of my journey.  To quit "borrowing" and living in someone else's life and instead "create" and live my own magical moments. To be aware that both hold imperfections and both hold beauty.


Enough heavy talk. Let's play some music!!!
Here is another song I borrowed today


"Lost In You" by Three Days Gone


http://youtu.be/4zRSSfw97XY

It's been great. It's been real. Give me some feedback and "comment" away. Share my link with a friend. "ellesmusic.blogspot.com"
Later..... L.E.