....and it sounds like love.

It's the Monday after a long, busy, but good week.
I stayed so focused working on the garage sale, cleaning, shopping and cooking for out of town company and a big family get-together that I didn't have time to feel down.
I felt amazing!!!
Wednesday through Sunday were bliss!
The old me was busy and chirpy, bossy and happy, playful and thankful.


But now it's all over and I've swung way to the sad. 
This is what I wrote to a friend this morning:
"A long lonely week ahead.
No kids coming home, no meals to be cooked or rooms to be cleaned.
Just quiet all around me and a coolness from hubby.
I'm sure I did or said something wrong. But I don't know what.


Some days the world feels OK and I'm content to spend my life with a good man.
But some days...
it doesn't, I'm not....
and I cry.


I'll try to stay on the blog as much as possible and I swear I'm trying to stay as far away from the
e-mails as I can. BUT, I'm empty and lonely and sad.
All I want is to sit next to you, pretend the world doesn't exist and we do."


It's not that I don't have things to do. I do.
I kept too much stuff before the garage sale and too much stuff after.
It's all stacked on my carport and in my car. I just look at it.
Last week it held the prospect of fabulous! 
Fabulously primitive, shabby, chic-y, decorating bliss...
today it just looks like junk.


The bathrooms I cleaned, floors I vacuumed, sheets I washed etc, etc....
all need to be redone.

BUT;
walking around the house I look at the milk spilt on the floor and I see myself sitting in a tiny chair eating cheerios with 2 precious little boys. Both are talking as fast as they can, me smiling ear to ear as I grab every 4th or 5th word!!!

The fingerprints on the doors are "little chunky man" and I sitting on the floor watching the birds in the morning and the "dark, night-night" after the sun has set.

There are books all over the place: my favorite!!
...they are the 3 of us in the fat Nana chair reading Frog and Toad and trying to "Find Waldo".
...they are the lights turned low, eyes closed and singing...
tiny little voices joining mine "spring is coming", "twinkle, twinkle little star, God has placed you where you are...", "you are my sunshine"....

It is quiet in the house, too quiet. But if I look with my heart I can hear the joy and it sounds like love.

But when they left, the love left and took the joy with it.
And I'm left,
in this house, alone.
And my husband comes and goes but there is no joy or laughter.
I think he's unhappy with me again and that knowing hurts in a place so deep I can only reach it with tears.
I didn't do anything wrong. But he didn't approve.
And I feel ashamed of doing something wrong and I don't even know which thing it was. I'm hurting but it sounds like anger. 

Why does my husband cause the same feelings in me as my father???
My husband loves me soooo much but I don't think he likes me.
I think my father loved me at one time, but I know he never liked me.
I think he tried to love me because fathers are supposed to love their little girls, but I never felt that love.


All this questioning and uncertainty makes me want to run again.
I've been running most of my life.

In an effort to outrun the pain of neglect and abuse I got married and I was safe.
But my suitcases were packed with that pain and I brought it with me. 
Now I was still running.
Running from the same old pain that was now coupled with being married to a man who needed me to be something I wasn't.
But I needed to stay married so I could be safe.
And I was still running, trying to find a way to dump the pain and to fill the void, so I had babies. Lots of babies!
And then I lost myself in addiction.

I'm still running.

And my mind gets confused when I read things like this:

Really???
Is that just for single people who are still trying to find "Mr. Right"?

What about us un-single people?

What happens when you are taken but unhappy and then...

???

What do I do with these??

or this?

am I willing to walk away from this???

I just want to quit running.
I just want to sail away.
I just want the dream and not the reality.

"Into The Mystic" 

glen hansard/marketa irglova

http://youtu.be/dlftisKf8Mc

"We were born before the wind,

  And we're so much younger than the sun.

  And every bonnie boat was won,

  As we sailed into the mystic.

  Hark now hear the sailors cry,

  Feel the sea and touch the sky,

  And let your soul and spirit fly

  As we sail into the mystic.

  And when that fog horn blows,

  You know I will be comin' home.

  And when that fog horn whistle blows,

  I wanna hear it, I don't have to fear it

  And I wanna rock your gypsy soul

  We're just like way back in the days of old,

  And together we'll fall as we sail into the mystic."

It seems my journeying forward has u-turned, again.
But in truth not a day passes that I don't wonder. Which way to go??

I live by the water. All my love is at the water.
Every time I leave my little city I pass a boat ramp and count the trucks w/trailers. Each one represents someone who has sailed away.

I don't want to back my truck into the water and launch my boat. I want to walk to the edge of the bayou and step off the shore and onto his bough.

"Boat Song" 

jj heller

http://youtu.be/8uHlmpwiTE4

"If you were a boat my darling

  A boat my darling

  I'd be the wind at your back.

  If you were afraid my darling

  Afraid my darling

  I'd be the courage you lack.

  If you were a bird

  Then I'd be a tree

  And you would come home

  My darling to me.

  If you were asleep

  Then I'd be a dream

  Wherever you are

  That's where my heart will be.

  Oh do you know we belong together?

  Oh do you know my heart is yours?

  If you were the ocean

  Then I'd be the sand.

  If you were a song

  I'd be the band.

  If you were stars

  Then I'd be the moon,

  A light in the dark my darling for you.

  Oh do you know we belong together?

  Oh do you know my heart is yours?"

Days like today frighten me. But not like they frightened me months ago.
I don't want to die. I still want to live.

So I'm not frightened of death, but I'm scared to death to see the truth so plainly and have no clue which way I'm to go next.
I'm going to just keep walking. Just keep going. Just keep trusting that every step is a crucial part of my journey. That nothing will be in vain.
That "all things will work together for my good." (and that's a biggie!)

I'm going to

"Hidden Away" 

josh groban

http://youtu.be/MnPICiigM5Q

"Over mountains and sky blue seas

  On great circles will you watch for me?

  The sweetest feeling I've got inside

  I just can't wait to get lost in your eyes.

  And all these words that you meant to say

  Held in silence day after day.

  Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,

  Please don't keep them hidden away.

  Sing it out so I can finally breathe in,

  I can take in all the same.

  Holding out for something I believe in

  All I really need today

  I want to free your heart

  I want to see your heart

  Please don't keep your heart hidden away.

  You're a wonder, how bright you shine

  A flickering candle in a short lifetime.

  A secret dreamer that never shows.

  If no one sees you then nobody knows.

  And all these words that were meant to say

  Held in silence day after day.

  Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave

  Please don't keep them hidden away.

  Sing it out so I can finally breathe in

  I can take in all the same.

  Reaching out for someone I believe in

  All I really need today.

  I want to feel your love,

  Will you reveal your love?

  Please don't keep your love hidden away."

Sailing boldly where I've never gone before, elle