Golf balls, mountains and apples...oh my!

Yesterday we talked about my martyrdom, facing truth and calling an apple an apple.
In truth, "It is what it is" and it's my choice.


We talked about circling the same mountains over and over until we conquer them by wearing them down to mole hills. This happens by either overcoming them or leaving them behind, no longer able to hold power and "control" over us.

I spent much of the day "chatting" with a friend. It had been months since we chatted and no matter which direction we head we always end up at the same place. Playfully teasing, pushing the boundary lines and ending up hurt. Yesterday I spoke the truth, as best I could, from a pure heart and hurt him.
Today I tried to breach the subject again but he was headed in any direction to avoid it. Truth that is. And I ended up hurt.

Why? Why am I hurt? What is it that I wanted???
It's the exact thing that I'm trying to overcome. Believing that somewhere there is someone who can and will make me happy. Putting all my emotions in a basket and handing it to someone and saying "here, fix this", when I know that they are no more equipped to fix impossible situations than I am.


So I'm at the base of this mountain. I can keep trudging around it hoping that it will grow weary and fall. Duh! It's not going to happen so I cry, pout and live in a self imposed world of depression and isolation.


It seems I've identified the problem but I keep asking "Now what?".
Another delaying tactic. I know what's next. I spent the last 8 months in therapy to get the point my therapist refuses to get off of.

We were making good progress. I was claiming and declaring the positive affirmations it took me months to find.
Every session was about changing the 1200 negative words a minute by replacing them with the positive.

Every session the same question: "what do you want elle? what do you want your life to look like?"
That was hard! My answer, "different" "I want my life to be different. I don't want to be the woman I was before but I don't have a clue what I DO want."

We began to break through that wall and I got the "golf ball" revelation.
There were things that I wanted. Things that were me that I wanted to own and not deny or hide. Simple things like my desire to write, to dance, to learn (maybe go back to school). I'm a real "fun lover" and we were identifying things that I find fun that are also safe, like fishing, boating and 4-wheeling.

There are things that I love like ball games (I don't care who's playing. Just give me a place to jump around and scream!!! Great therapy!)
These are all things that I should be able to enjoy and not offend my husbands strong sense of right vs wrong.

I was also discovering and acknowledging things that I find fun but have the potential for danger (like drinking, in excess).
I was having to discover these things without my husbands approval but that was OK because I needed to know for myself, not because someone else gave or with-held their approval.

 I was branching out with money and overcoming my fear of messing up (after years of a serious spending addiction).
I also came to realize that my husband used that fear as a way to control me. I faced that one head on and said "NO MORE". (you go girl!)


My last visit with my therapist was the beginning of this month. 
We had thoroughly explored the "golf ball" issue and we were both pumped!
Here was my chance. My assignment: write. write a book
Hello!!! Someone is telling me to do what my heart has been crying out to do???
"Write a book elle. Each chapter will be a different dimple on the golf ball..."
I won't repeat the whole story, I already told it when it happened. (see Oct. 3rd "Write A Book")

What I didn't share was what he asks me every session right before I leave. He always looks at me and asks "what's going on behind those brown eyes?"
I whispered through my tears, "I'm going to have to give up my Love and I don't know how to do that and live."
He answers, "the more you pull away from your Love the more you will draw close to your husband."
"I know. And I don't want to do that either."
"we'll get there" he answers.
"can I just skip that trip?" I laugh through my tears.
"it's gonna be OK" he assures me.
But I'm pretty sure he's wrong.


That's the way I wrote it in my journal and shared it with my Love.

I haven't progressed since that day. I've grown more and more distant.
I cancelled my last 2 sessions. I haven't written a word of my book.
I don't care about the golf ball or the dimples.
I can't see past the truth; "I'm going to have to give up my Love and I don't know how to do that and live."


My heart is breaking and I've cried all day.


Yesterdays post was called Mountain Climbing and my friend Judy had this comment:
"OK sweetie. Step one-see the situation for what it really is. You are doing that. See, you are already making progress."

I read it this morning and just cried.
I replied with: "I don't know why your comment meant so much but it did. I'm sitting here crying because a stranger encouraged me that I'm doing good.
I know you can tell by my posts that I'm in deep. Obviously not the kind of things I can share with people who know me. Making the choice to follow my heart has left me very lonely & isolated. So many people all around me. ALL willing to love me but I'm not willing to risk their approval by being completely honest.
But I remember you saying that everyone doesn't need to know everything.
So, here I am finding comfort in a stranger I trust, feel safe with and whose opinion and experience I covet.
Want to tell me what step two is :) :) ???
I'm completely clueless."

But I'm not clueless. I'm just back around that mountain again. I'm still fighting step one because I'm scared to death about step 10!!

I know that I need to go back to the beginning. Start replacing the negative, self hatred, "you lousy bitch" thoughts with the positive affirmations that I still believe.
Then I need to go back to the golf ball, pick it up, identify a dimple (something that is me), give it a name and write about it.
Chapter One: I love music....
I need to lay aside the leaving or staying, this man vs that man, the future vs the past, forgiveness vs not for later.
I had laid it all aside, but when I turned around my arms were full of it again (the same old mountain).

I've been given permission and encouragement to play Scarlet O'Hara and "think about that tomorrow", or in my case next month or year or whenever it's time to face step 8, step 9, step 10.....

Today I'm continuing to build on step one, "seeing the situation for what it is", calling an apple an apple and not expecting someone else to be responsible for the care of that apple.


Today I'm carrying step one with me while I advance to step 2.
Calling the golf ball what it is and not allowing anyone to cover up the dimples with their "white out".

I can finally breathe again.


Earlier I was looking for a beer or a loaded gun. But I don't need either.


I'm going to make it. One step at a time.

I went to find the conversation from my last therapy session and while scooting around my page I found this.
My Love sent it to me yesterday.
I never saw it.
I wrote an entire blog yesterday about the truth.

I wrote another one today.

And here was a beautiful word of encouragement that I knew nothing about, just waiting for me.

I don't call him my Love for no reason.
We are kindred spirits.

We have been soul mates since I was a very young girl.

"Words I Couldn't Say" rascal flatts

http://youtu.be/SoQRwF2Q4VY

"In a book- in a box- in the closet

  In a line- in a song I once heard

  In a moment on a front porch late one June

  In a breathe inside a whisper beneath the moon

  There it was at the tip of my fingers

  There it was on the tip of my tongue

  There you were and I had never been that far

  There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms

  And I let it slip away

  What do I do now that you're gone

  No back up plan no second chance

  And no one else to blame

  All I can hear in the silence that remains

  Are the words I couldn't say

  There's a rain that will never stop fallin'

  There's a wall that I tried to take down

  What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips

  So I held back and now we've come to this

  And it's too late now

  What do I do now that you're gone

  No back up plan no second chance

  And no one else to blame

  All I can hear in the silence that remains

  Are the words I couldn't say

  Are the words I couldn't say

  I should have found a way to tell you

  How I felt

  Now the only one I'm telling is myself

  What do I do now that your gone

  No back up plan no second chance

  And no one else to blame

  All I can hear in the silence that remains

  Are the words I couldn't say"

With love, elle