Kiss an angel good morning.

I woke from my nap this afternoon and this is what was playing in my head.
I haven't thought of this song in years!
I'm not going to over analyse it. I didn't even know the words to the verses.


I went to sleep alone and lonely. I slept hard and woke to "kiss an angel good morning and let her know you think about her when you're gone. kiss an angel good mornin', and love her like the devil when you get back home."


I guess it's a Freudian thing some would say. I went to sleep exhausted from the emotional toil of a long week of being ignored and rejected. I came home from my trip with so much excitement to a cold shoulder and a hard glare.

I am wounded and hurt. Somewhere in the middle of it all he reaches for my hands under the sheet last night and says, "I'm sorry for the way I acted this week. Will you forgive me?" I mutter yes and turn away from him. 


No, I won't forgive you. This happens all the time lately.
I was fun and fresh and alive. I was giving and caring and attentive the whole week we were at the beach. And you took it all and enjoyed the hell out of it.


Then we come home and you turn solemn and quiet. You begin to pull away and to let me feel the pain of rejection. A taste of the pain I will be choosing if I choose to go against your wishes and continue with my plan. A plan to take a week with my mom and sister to do some serious junkin', antiquing, and all around girls fun!!! And yes, I will drink. And yes, I knew you would be sure I paid the cost. I knew the punishment wouldn't fit the crime but I chose to do "my" thing and now it's time to pay the piper.


But I am hurt. You were wrong to ignore my texts, my calls, my daily pictures of me all dressed up and cute and excited about my day. You don't deserve my forgiveness.
You can stop saying how much you love me too. I know you love me, you just have a hell of a lousy way of showing it. And I don't love you right now and I won't say it back to you.


Is it any wonder that when my nap ended I dreaded getting out of the bed? Dreaded facing you? That I dream of another man's touch and love. A man who would never reject me like you do!

Is it any wonder that when you pushed, I caved? My broken heart spilled at your feet once again. 


And you still ask me why I said in a private conversation with an old and trusted girl friend "he just doesn't understand that he is pushing me into the arms of another man."?
You still hold those words against me and demand that I explain them. I don't owe you an explanation. Open your f___ing eyes and see yourself.
I look at myself all the time. I evaluate and pick apart everything about myself and constantly find the hundred areas where I am lacking. Where is your lack??? How long will it take before you destroy me or this marriage, or both? At this rate, not long.


My positive affirmations feel like childish babble.

Today I don't want to live (not like this). Today I am not kind, or smart or important. Today I want to quit. 


"Kiss An Angel Good Morning" charley pride
http://youtu.be/hRIRTQ_k-Sg

"Whenever I chance to meet
  Some old friends on the street
  They wonder how does a man
  Get to be this way.
  I've always got a smilin' face
  Any time and any place
  And everytime they ask me why
  I just smile and say,

  You've got to kiss and angel good mornin'
  And let her know you think about her
  When you're gone.
  Kiss an angel good mornin'
  And love her like the devil 
  When you get back home.


  Well people may try to guess
  The secret of happiness
  But some of them never learn
  It's a simple thing.
  The secret I'm speaking of
  Is a woman and a man in love,
  And the answer is the song
  That I always sing.


  You've got to kiss an angel good mornin'
  And let her know you think about her
  When you're gone.
  Kiss an angel good mornin'
  And love her like the devil
  When you get back home."


It's really that simple. Just love her.
I recently wrote to a friend about this subject. Here is a little of what I've come to realize about my life and about my husbands ability to love me.
"He doesn't know, he doesn't want to know that the golf ball size me he is so content with is just one in a basket of hundreds. He doesn't want the rest. He wants to believe I am only one.
Until you came back into my life and gave me the courage to step out of the box I didn't know there were hundreds either. BUT I always knew there were many.
I can never go back to being one, not ever again.
With you I don't have too. You don't require or insist that I be what you expect me to be or else punish me by with-holding your love from me. 
You except me and seem to like me just the way I am.
What draws me and holds me to you is my capacity to see what amazing possibilities are available with you. *** The possibility of finally being allowed and encouraged to be me on ALL levels."


"Angel of The Morning" merrillee rush
http://youtu.be/y16Ac9O9Alc

"There'll be no strings to bind your hands
  not if my love can't bind your heart.
  And there's no need to take a stand
  for it was I who chose to start.
  I see no need to take me home,
  I'm old enough to face the dawn.


  Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
  just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
  Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
  then slowly turn away from me.


  Maybe the sun's light will be dim
  and it won't matter anyhow.
  If morning's echo says we've sinned,
  well, it was what I wanted now.
  And if we're the victims of the night,
  I won't be blinded by the light.


  Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
  just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
  Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
  then slowly turn away,
  I won't beg you to stay with me
  through the tears of the day,
  of the years, baby baby baby.
  Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL
  just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby."


Welcome home Elle. 
Nothing's changed.