Love is...

I had an awesome visit with my therapist yesterday. He is amazing.  I saw a psychiatrist for years and loved him. I never left his office that I didn't feel hopeful. He was always there to assure me that I wasn't going insane, that I was more normal than I realized and that things would get better.
BUT, he never gave me any tools of change.
My therapist on the other hand is showing me how to change. How to identify trouble spots, how to break them down to the root cause and how to control them so that they no longer control me.

It feels soooo amazing to feel this healthy glow inside me. I still have bad days, I am still selfish, I still feel sad, but they are more the exception than the rule and I am very grateful!!!

Today I saw my new psychiatrist. I haven't heard from him since my awful experience with my medication a month ago. I've been doing really good the last couple of weeks. I've been going and doing and living. But I've also been in a constant atmosphere of newness, vacation and fun. I am addicted to activity and being entertained. Since it's hard for me to know if I'm not depressed because I've been busy or if I'm just not depressed, we decided to put off adding any new meds. I will continue on with my half dose of anti-depressant for another 3 weeks. Then we can better evaluate where I am.

I feel change all around me. My "light-bulb" moments are amazing and I am identifying the roots of much of my unhealthy thinking. I am hopeful and so ready to change!

Just yesterday I made an important observation about my unhealthy response to a certain person and decided to change my approach. I was headed on a one way track to destruction, to losing him forever and I could never bear that!

To change is going to mean reining in my "gypsy soul", flirty, playful self for the benefit of someone else. I have the best of intentions to be good and to follow through. I love this person and to put their needs before my wants and my entertainment is going to be a major test. I will know very quickly whether I can put true love into action or not.

Did you know that the opposite of love is not hate?
The opposite of love is selfishness.
Love is patient and kind. It is not self seeking. It puts the needs of others before it's own. It is ever in hope. Always believing the best. It is not haughty or vain. Love is not conceited or rude. It is not touchy or resentful. It dwells on the good and not the bad.

I do not walk in love enough. People think I do because they see me as a good person who cares for others, sacrifices for them and never gives up. What they don't see is that when the rubber meets the road, when I have to give too much or sacrifice too much of my time, my money or my stuff I begin to feel very resentful and I can be very stingy and rude. It doesn't always show because I usually just "take my toys and go home".

I'm not proud of my selfishness and I am working hard to be otherwise. But I have learned the hard way that just willing a bad habit away is a waste of time (at least for me). I don't have a lot of self-control. I have to find the root of my lousy attitude and fix it before true change comes.

I am a "hit the wall" kind of person. I don't learn until I've hit the wall over and over and over trying to get my way, only to discover that not all walls move just because I will them too. This does not make me happy! I can be very ugly, bitchy, manipulative and mean when I don't get my way.

So, needless to say, the few friends I have are tough people who for some strange reason think I'm worth the effort.

I am trying to be that kind of friend to someone. The kind that says "no matter what, I'm going to love you (to put your best interest before mine). No matter how much of what I want has to be laid aside, I will do what is best for you. Seeing you at peace is more important than my childish selfishness."

I'll be honest. I'm scared shitless! This is not a person or a friendship that I take lightly. It is the most important relationship in my life right now. I screwed it up royally in the past and I want so desperately to do it right this time. 


I've never done things like others and this is no different.
There is a man in my life who has been the very definition of love to my life. Through the very worst he covered me with a love that I can barely comprehend. My needs were always so far above his. His goodness so unfathomable that at times I thought he wasn't human but angelic.
Then one day I turned on him. In truth I never returned his undying, immeasurable love. I hold his happiness, his needs and wants so carelessly. When I look at this good man and the way I have and continue to treat him I feel hopeless and worthless.

Two good men in my life.

"God grant me the ability to love both without bringing pain to either.
Show me the way out of this confused place where I dwell. Your love has delivered me from bondage, sickness, disease and death. I know it will not fail me now. Help me find my way back to You.
Hold these 2 dear men ever so tightly and protect them from their love of me that makes them so vulnerable to the enemy's attack. Lay on me the consequences and burdens of my choices and actions and keep the evil of my heart far from them.
I deserve nothing. I have earned nothing. But they have suffered and bled in their love for me and others. They are the epitome of sacrifice and though I deserve neither them or You, I thank you that Your ways are not like my ways, and Your thoughts are not like my thoughts. That You chose me in Your love before the foundation of the world. That You have a plan of good and not evil for my life. Let me live this life You have blessed me with in a way that will bring both honor and praise to Your name and bring blessings upon those who love me and those who don't.
Bring me to a place where I can do them good and not evil all the days of my life.
Forgive me my cold, selfish heart. Bless those I have hurt, betrayed, misused and lied too.
Let the real me, the one You created in Your image, shine.
Amen."


"Push" sarah mclachlan
http://youtu.be/KVrXd9f7Pfs


"Every time I look at you
  The world just melts away
  All my troubles, all my fears
  Dissolve in your affections
  You've seen me at my weakest
  But you take me as I am
  And when I fall you offer me
  A softer place to land


  You stay the course, you hold the line
  You keep it all together
  You're the one true thing
  I know I can believe in
  You're all the things that I desire
  You save me, you complete me
  You're the one true thing
  I know I can believe in


  I get mad so easy but you 
  Give me room to breathe
  No matter what I say or do
  'Cause you're to good to fight about it
  Even when I have to push
  Just to see how far you'll go
  You won't stoop down to battle
  You never turn to go


  Your love is just the antidote
  When nothing else will cure me
  There are times I can't decide
  When I can't tell up from down
  You make me feel less crazy
  When otherwise I'd drown
  But you pick me up and brush me off
  And tell me I'm OK
  Sometimes that just what we need
  To get us through the day


  You stay the course, you hold the line
  You keep it all together
  You're the one true thing
  I know I can believe in
  You're all the things that I desire
  You save me, you complete me
  You're the one true thing
  I know I can believe in"


"I Will Always Love You" whitney houston
http://youtu.be/H9nPf7w7pDI

"If I should stay
  I would only be in your way
  So I'll go, but I'll know
  I'll think of you every step of the way


  And I will always love you, 
  Will always love you
  My darling you


  Bittersweet memories
  That's all I'm taking with me
  So good-bye, please don't cry
  We both know I'm not what you need


  And I will always love you,
  I will always love you


  I hope life treats you kind
  And I hope you have all
  You've dreamed of
  And I wish you joy and happiness
  But above all I wish you love


 And I will always love you,
  I will always love you
  I, I will always love you... you
  Darling I love you
  I'll always
  I'll always
  Love you...."


I love you because you always loved me. When I didn't even know you existed in my world, you were there. You carried me in your heart as a forever love even after I'd walked away.
Let good-bye never pass our lips. Let us choose well so we can live long in each others hearts....L.E.