Life is a circle

"Life is a circle;
struggle to reach the top,
victory,
slip,
hit the bottom,
hopelessness,
hope
and struggle again.
Must keep reminding myself....
Don't give up at the bottom,
don't give up,
don't give,
don't,
do"
elle 1/30/12

I shared this on my public FB page earlier this morning. It didn't take but just a few minutes for someone to comment "don't give up. God has a plan for you.".
I knew that was the response I would get. I knew it would be from a stranger/friend. Someone who does not know me except that we graduated from the same high school some 34 years ago. Someone who doesn't even remember that I didn't graduate with my class. Someone who doesn't know about or understand my faith crisis, my marriage crisis, my thoughts, feelings, dreams or desires.
Someone who only has a "pat" answer.
And I HATE "pat" answers.

I knew no one in my family would comment.
Just like the stanger/friend, they only saw the negative in the post.
My family doesn't give "pat" answers. They just cringe, ignore it and hope it will go away.
I deleted the post.

I have felt the rumblings of "slipping" coming for several days. I am irritable, frustrated, angry, sad...
I also don't feel well. I'm fighting an ear infection. My appetite is gone and I'm very, very tired.
I am 'down' physically.

The weather has been overcast/sunny the last few days. It is cool and breezy. Outside it is my dream weather. I am inside.
Not good.
I am 'down' emotionally.

I know me. I'm slipping.
I will fall.
I will stay at the bottom for an unknown amount of time.
Then I will begin the climb.

What's so bad about that???
Nothing in my opinion.

Life IS a circle.
I'm NOT "giving up".
I always end up at "do".
No matter how tired I am. No matter how long I stay down I always come to a place of  "do".
What's wrong with reminding myself at the bottom that there's going to be a "top" again.

Days like today suck. I'm hurting. I'm tired. I'm alone. I need you so much I can't breathe. I know I am weak. I also know I am strong, that I won't stay at the bottom, that I will climb, that I will reach the top again and rest, breathe and smile.

I spent yesterday alone in my room watching episode after episode of "betrayal".  (I may have the name wrong)It's a very interesting and informative show on OWN about couples who cheat.
Each story starts out with a couple.... how they met, fell in love, married, children, life, growing apart and the eventual indiscretion of one or both.
Then the discovery, anger, pain and grief.
Every couple came to a place AFTER the affair where they were desperate enough to seek professional help. Slowly but surely most couples rebuild their marriage by learning to communicate, to talk, to listen, to prioritize, to forgive and to trust again.
I watched 4 episodes (which is 8 couples). EVERY couple except one was able to rebuild their marriage. EVERY couple said they were happier and more in love than ever before. EVERY couple was now "married to their best friend".

I'd like to say I learned a lot.
I did learn some interesting statistics.
But I already know the things it takes to make a good, strong marriage that lasts.
I already know why people have affairs of the heart and of the body.

I already know too much.
That knowledge is depressing.
I already know that my husband thinks and believes he loves me.
But in reality he loves the me in his mind and the me in his bed.
I already know that I'm not married to my best friend.

I am married to a good man.
But a good man is not always enough.
We have food on the table and good sex.
These are enough to hold him forever.
Why aren't they enough for me???

Life is a circle. Earlier in the week I was content even happy with my life and my marriage.
The circle has tilted and I have slipped into discontentment again.
I will stay here until I'm tired of my misery and sure that staying miserable is not going to change anything. I will come to a place once again of acceptance. One day I will wake up and find myself smiling at nothing.
I will find that I made the climb to the top. That it was in the struggle to accept that I climbed.
.
Life is a circle. We struggle. We climb. We rejoice. We survive...
elle


I WILL SURVIVE (the movie 'the replacements')
http://youtu.be/I-7GzYuPP7M