It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Monday, February 13, 2012


This saying haunts me lately.
I see it posted all over FaceBook, Pinterest, etc and I want to scream "HOW?!!"

It not that I don't know who I am (which I don't), but anytime I identify a missing part of me it is greeted with a quick and deadly "STOP!!!"
"STOP airing yourself on FB, STOP being negative, STOP acting like someone else and be who we expect you to be!!!"

That's the biggie: "be who we expect you to be"
I can handle it from those who are shallow, don't know me and never will, but it's tough when it's from those who do and always will.
In all honesty and fairness they are the ones who most want to see me happy

But they can't stand the heat from the kitchen. Instead of them leaving, they feel obligated to stay and support my "journey". But in truth what they are saying is "you get out of the kitchen. It's too hot and dangerous in there."

They are right. It is hot. It is dangerous.
But it's my choice to journey on and I need a safe place to "be".

I have no place to go where I can be true.
I come here when I feel like I'm going to explode, but it is just another of many hiding places. When I go back to the real world, I must leave Elle behind.
I have no place. I am "adrift".


Let the music begin:
"Don't make me close one more door, I don't wanna hurt anymore."

"I Have Nothing" whitney houston

"Share my life, take me for what I am
'cause I'll never change all my colors for you."
Out of this entire song that I supposedly "love", there are only a few lines that speak to me and breaking them down is scary as hell.

"Share my life, take me for what I am
'cause I'll never change all my colors for you." ,
"I won't hold it back again, this passion inside.
Can't run from myself
There's nowhere to hide.",
"Well, don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore."

I had decided to make this blog more "acceptable".
In other words, should my friends or family stumble across it I wouldn't embarrass myself or them.

In truth that's just another form of hiding.
The 3 lines from this song that I wrote out are what I would say to all those who want to change me, fix me, make me fit the mold.
"Don't make me close one more door (of who I really am), I don't want to hurt anymore (and it's killing me, this constant attempt to morph for you.)

What I really feel is totally unacceptable. 
"Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there?
You see through, right to the heart of me,
You break down my walls with the strength of your love.
I never knew love like I've known it with you.
Will a memory survive, one i can hold on to?"

But that's not being true to myself either.
I'm saying it to a memory, to the hope of a memory. Something not real, except in my broken heart.

I have been willing to be whatever was required out of the terror of this one truth:
"I have nothing, nothing, nothing...
If I don't have you."

But what I really don't have is anything, if i don't have me."