It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Friday, November 30, 2012

"My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres;
it’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical,
science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know,
with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
Alan Moore

I love good quotes. One of my favorite sites:

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Sea sick with reality

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
William Arthur Ward

I don't know where I fit in the above quote. Obviously my optimist lives between my pessimistic side and my "realist in hiding". I live in a constant state of drastic swings between one extreme and the other which leaves my poor optimist bruised and beaten.

I don't know where I fit. What I do know is that when a ray of sun shines and I believe that the tide has turned....I am wrong and I am disappointed, I feel anger (always a secondary emotion), but a necessary one. A sad form of self protection.

I don't know where I fit in in your life. I've never known.
I don't know why I complain (let myself be drawn in). I know your moods are quick to shift. I am a concern today, a loss tomorrow and a longing the next. But never for long.
I hold so tight to the hope of longing....always aware that it will leave as quickly as it came.
I know to expect the change. But that not's optimism.... it's reality.

"What are you to me?
You're the key
You set my heart free to soar."
(I wrote that once and meant it.)

Photo "Reality" Michae Harris Photography

I've rewritten this one several times. It changes as optimism is drowned in a sea of reality.
"You are the ocean and I am a sea sick boat."

"Let us live for the beauty of our own reality."Charles Lamb

I need Dramamine and fantasy. I need you.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

theme songs

New to me music;
"SKYFALL"adele (my favorite version) (official Bond)

I love Adele. Her sultry voice just eeks sexy. She is gifted in more ways than one. She and Paul Epworth composed Skyfall, the theme song for the newest Bond movie by the same name.

There is little comparison between this Bond song and the theme song from Casino Royale by Chris Cornell. The words, the message, the finality in "You Know My Name" are much darker. It is lonely.
Still I found myself swept along without reservation to the rise and fall of drums, guitars and the texture of his voice. But the lyrics left me uncertain and troubled. Lonely.
"You Know My Name" chris cornell

Skyfall on the other hand was safe. Surrounded by danger but never alone.
"Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I'll never be without the security
Are your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we'll stand

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Or face it all together"

Bond movies capture me, move me, trouble me. In the same way this song touches untapped longings of which I do not speak. A need for adventure and danger. But I'm not a lone wolf. I could not or would not ever strike out into the unknown alone. For a deeper need rules me. A need to be held tight, kissed deep and loved long.

I'm forever in a struggle. Good vs evil, lost vs found, right vs wrong, me vs ????

Good night loves, elle e

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


Browsing around and enjoying some of my favorite blogs. There is so much creativeness, so much going on, so much wisdom. Here are a few I'd like to share with you;

"pencils need erasers and keyboards need delete buttons. we know what failure feels like so that there is such thing as success. i love how we learn to mend ourselves on a daily basis"

While we're on the subject of doing things, I wanted to share this quote I came across the other day, in response to youth who complain about not knowing what to do.
"Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and after you've finished, read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun. The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something. You owe it your time, energy, and talent so that no one will be at war, in sickness, and lonely again. In other words grow up, stop being a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop a backbone not a wishbone. Start behaving like a responsible person. You are important and you are needed. It's too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now and that somebody is you!" --John Tapene

The Moon Is Her Anchor
"Dusk in late autumn is perhaps the most beautiful time of all.
The trees are cloaked in garments of leaves in the warmer months, but it is not until the garments are shed in the colder months that we are left with the bare, lonely beauty of the landscape. When the wind blows in the winter, it is not accompanied by the rustle of leaves, but rather an aching silence. The numbing, desperately lonely quiet conveys all that winter needs to say--but only the man who cares enough to listen will hear (and understand) the silent message.
At dusk in late autumn, the trees are almost bare but not quite; against inky blueness that seems an almost tangible entity, their skeleton forms are fragile but still quietly stoic; the crescent moon, framed by the colorless branches, seems all the more"
By Carlotta Cisternas

"For me, I want to find that oceans wave that lifts me up and pulls me to the sunset of a closing day as the sun sinks itself into the far off reaches of the water."

Much love, elle e

But you....

I have everything I need.
For the most part I have everything I want.
The last 2 days have been lovely. I have energy, motivation and a sense that all is well with the world (at least the corner where I live :).

Amidst the cleaning, planning and cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow I've taken a couple of breaks. I sat on the porch. I listened to the birds, the dogs and the music from my open door. Perfection.
But you....

When we use the word "but" in a sentence it means that anything we said before the "but" is negated.
I'm careful when I use it. It shows the truth. It reveals what is hidden. The secrets of the heart.

But you....
I wish I could explain or even understand what it means or how I feel about it.
Would my life be perfection if I'd never met you? It certainly wasn't perfection before you. I was so aware that something MAJOR was missing. I was existing as a mirrored image of others. I had no clue what was missing. I had no clue I was missing. And then you :)
You brought the laughter and the freedom. With you I felt complete, content, peaceful and at rest.

But with you reality slips away, the lines get blurred and the things and people in my "real" life bring frustration. They are reminders of what I can't have. With you I have all the right feelings and none of the right reality.

Days of perfection are so great. But they aren't really perfect. It's just another illusion. Another way to cope.
I sit on the porch of my perfect life and think of you. I lay in my safe bed and dream of you. I'd give up all hope and go back to the old me....but you

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Say less and Hold the rest...

Does your heart ever feel like it's going to explode? So many emotions! So inappropriate. No one to share them with.
I'm learning to say less and hold in the rest.
If I say what I feel it's always too much and the distance grows cold and deep.
But when I say less the distance is less. One heart speaking silently to another. Both knowing.
Smiling through the ache, joined in seperation, eternity in a breathe.
I love you
I love you from afar, through the ache, through the truth
I'd rather love you through the pain than never to have loved you at all.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

"just to be with someone you love."

“'People always think that happiness is a faraway thing,'
thought Frances, ‘something complicated and hard to get.
Yet, what little things can make it up; a place of shelter when it rains—a cup of strong hot coffee when you’re blue;
for a man, a cigarette for contentment;
a book to read when you’re alone—
just to be with someone you love.
Those things make happiness.’”
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Friday, November 2, 2012

A story....

Once upponse a time there was girl who did good and right and well.
She'd always believed, that in a life past or a time before, that she must have been a bird in flight, a wave upon the sea or a shell in the sand.... Perhaps in a time still to come.

Her song was sweet, her heart was big but everything else was small. Her legs were short, her fingers stumps, her body petite (except for a rather nice, plump rump :).

Her capacity to hold was huge!
A lifetime had been spent trying to cram her love of, her excitement about, her amazement over LIFE into her small existence!
She felt everything BIG! But had limited access to expression.

I've see her as a grown woman. She has wisdom and experience. She understands lack and sacrifice (and the kind of love that makes a woman choose both).
I also see the child. Forced to face too much too soon. Stunted in many ways. Still very childlike. She grits her teeth, makes ugly faces and sticks out her tongue. She whines and pouts too often.
Still I think she's grand!!!

I hope she never gives up on the hundreds of simple things that seem so enormous in her eyes.
I hope a day will come when she'll dance without restraint in the sand (have you ever seen a little kid dance???? It's magical. We can't help but smile as they twirl, and float, jig and jag. We smile at the innocence. They are totally unaware of right, wrong, proper and not.)

If I could give her advice it would be; "don't give up that inner child. She's amazing."

Tonight I was a free woman. No deadline, no watchman. I drove my car fast, wind in my hair and played the music loud. I ate at my favorite taco joint and drank fabulous, forbidden cold beer. I dreamed and schemed of innocent things and things carried mute to the grave. Asked a friend to come play but
"no, not today", so I drove home (no speeding!), alone.
But I wasn't sad, 'cause I'm not a child, and I now know the rules from the start.
I don't build my hope around things I can't change, 'cause they hurt and they break my poor heart.

Instead of a frown I drove happy and found 2 new songs and an old favorite too.
Now I've written, had a snack and waited "just in case". My eyes are starting to close. But before I lay down, bathe and drape my gown I'll share some good music with you.

2 new (to me) songs:

THE ONE elton john

"I saw you dancing out the ocean
Running fast along the sand
A spirit born of earth and water
Fire flying from your hands"

"For each man in his time is Cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach"

(Oh yeah! I like this song.
  How is it I've never heard this song of love before?)
I'm Never Too Far Away jon secada

Need You Now lady antebellum
(this one I know. This one always takes all the willpower I don't think I have, especially when it's 1:12 am....)

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without you 'cause I just need you now."


My day tomorrow is no storybook tale and holds little to look forward too.
Grands for the day while mom is away, a party for one who is "one". Then a funeral to sing, the sadness it brings as we bury a friend, too young, now gone.
It's a story called "Life", many days lived in strife and struggle and weariness too.

So before I close my eyes I give thanks. Grateful for the moments of hope, rest and joy I found tucked away in today and for friends with whom I can share. For moonlit nights where we meet and hold tight to hands that touch from afar.
Never let your story end.
Good night, elle