It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Yes, I'm confused too.

I was asked yesterday if I was confused, "about life?, about us?"
Asking me about confusion is like asking my drought stricken yard if it could use some rain. HELL YES!!
Only the yard will eventually get rain.
Not so my confusion.
Why didn't I just say "Yes, I am confused. But that doesn't change how much I love you, it just makes it difficult to say & to show."

I was hurt yesterday, which manifested like a demon of anger from hell!

I am obviously unstable. I don't think I've tried to hide that.
I have very dark days occasionally, sad, confused, waiting days most of the time and awesome, good days rarely.

But I've really been doing well in comparison to the 5 months I spent in bed, never cleaning, cooking or dressing.

Last Tuesday I went grocery shopping by myself. I cooked AND invited people to my house. I sat with them and talked and visited (well actually I listened. I still feel like a dweeb when I try to be sociable. Every time I opened my mouth I felt very stupid. So I just listened and loved on the sweet white haired baby boy in my lap). And I was so happy they came. And so hopeful that another Tuesday would come soon and I would feel normal, act normal and be normal. 

But this Tuesday came and something went terribly wrong. I spoke words  that cannot be undone and I hurt someone I love. 
Now the spark of life he lit in me is still waiting in his hands. I'm the one who blew it out and I don't know if he will ever choose to re-light what might turn on him again. 

I can scream, cry, beg and apologize, but I hurt him and it wasn't the first time. 
And he is right, I don't act like what I say. I want so much to love him and to please him but I just can't find a way to hold my feelings in, not push or demand. In my desperation to be heard and to hear I screamed too loud.
Tuesday came and went and my love has walked away.

I didn't start this blog so people would feel sorry for me. I didn't start it to prove anything, like how bad I have it.
I started it because I needed somewhere else to share and vent and laugh and process. I've been doing that on my private FB page. But it is our special page and my emotional baggage was overwhelming it.
So I started "The Music In My Heart" as a place to further my healing process.  Even if no one ever reads it, it is hugely therapeutic for me.

Being on a difficult journey and documenting it for the entire world (or a small handful) to read, evaluate and judge is very scary and risky.
Within a few days of each other I was told by 2 different but equally important people in my life that I needed to pull up my rhinestone studded boot straps, quit whining and get over it. 

I know it was said in love, in an effort to get past my walls of negativity and self hatred. 

But those walls are my defense. They were built after years and years of survival, they keep the wolves of death at bay. I can't wake up one morning and choose to be well and happy. 
But what I can do, I am doing.
I am working on both the physical & the emotional side of my depression with several professionals.
I'm giving it my best shot. 4 months ago my best shot at normalcy was to put on my clothes. Then when my husband got home I could move from the bed to the couch to watch TV with him. On better days I would go outside and sit on the porch.
But I've really progressed. Most days I get dressed, wash my face & fix my hair. 

No, I don't look forward to much and dread anything that requires serious effort but by the end of the week  I've usually managed to do a few household chores.

What does motivate me is time at the park. I choose my clothes carefully, happily dress and plan the "what if's". This is not always a safe activity because of the risk. If I get my hopes up and then they are dashed I become disappointed. I never know how disappointment is going to effect me. Most days it would manifest in tears but not this Tuesday. The more I listened the more belittled and stupid I felt.

Feeling out of control is the basis for all anger. I was being told, in my mind, to control something I cannot. I felt like all I've said and shared these past months meant nothing. Instead of acknowledging the depths I live in and the near impossiblily of escape, I was being questioned.

Would you tell a diabetic to "just quit eating sugar" and be naive enough to believe that if they did they would be healed?
I've never asked anyone to help me out of my current situation except professionals. I'm not trying make anyone responsible for me. 

I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to hide from and avoid the whole world. But I can't handle the whole world, or even small crowds. What I want and need is just a handful of people with whom I can be honest. People who will not try to fix me but instead offer encouragement, laughter and normalcy.

After feeling misunderstood, a healthy person, instead of losing it and going off the deep end, would have either gone on, secure in their own truth, or politely informed them of their mistake.
But I ain't healthy! 

Yesterday, I totally blasted the one person I spend 90% of my time trying to love, be near, understand and be understood by.  
This morning I tried to make amends or at least find a way to ask forgiveness for the unforgivable.   

I'd like to share some of that email. I think it says a lot;

    "About yesterday, I could give you a hundred reasons why I totally lost it but I won't. Some things don't deserve the honor of an explanation. 

This is not the first time I have hurt you. Not the first time I have attacked. 
I don't know how to live with the guilt or the fear of it happening again. Neither do I know how to live without you in my life.
You deserve better. You have enough drama in your life without adding mine to it. 
I wish I could say it will never happen again, but I don't have that luxury, and I don't want to start lying now when I've been as honest about everything (to a fault), as I could.

Please forgive me, again. If not for me then for you. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and has the potential to destroy. 
My years of unforgiveness have left holes the size of Texas in my heart and in my soul.  Holes that hold hurt and bitterness that I often cannot contain. Like yesterday. 

Triggers from the past. 
You should be able to identify with past hurts that trigger wrong responses in the present. Like when I said "is that it?" and you were immediately thrown into the past, being rejected, and transferring that hurt to me.
I did the same thing. Being told that I have everything I need and that others have it so much worse than I, is a major trigger for me. 
I know what I have, I know I'm a "big wus" (or pussy as my friend so eloquently put it, in her "tough love" letter), and need to "get a life".
I deal with my inability to do so everyday of my life. I really don't need to be reminded.

I will admit that the day she "called me down" I was having an exceptionally dark day and my post worried her (and me). In an attempt to reach me and shake some sense into me she shared her opinions of what I needed to do to get my life back on track. 

I did reevaluate the post and amend it. I HAD gone over the edge. 
But her suggestions, though well meant, were way off track. If someone could slap me around with some truth and change me then I'd have been totally healed and delivered years ago.
It does the opposite.

It reinforces what I've been saying for years. It cements my self loathing.

The guilt of carrying so much emotional baggage, continually attacking and hurting those who love me, when I should be able to pull myself up and enjoy my security and my family, is a heavy weight. 
I don't handle being told the obvious as if that is going to fix 50 years of illness.

Not too long ago a girl on FB told me she couldn't understand how I could be so depressed when I had such a beautiful new house. I just sat there a minute and then the anger began to boil over. Poor girl. Among way too much, I told her that I couldn't imagine why she had never been able to conceive when she lived in such a nice house and had such a loving husband. 

I think that response makes me a major BITCH. 
I know the pain infertile women deal with. I worked for years with the devastating consequences of miscarriage and infertility. Sooo many hurting, bleeding and non-functioning woman have come through my door. And though I've never lost a child or had trouble conceiving they came to me for comfort, for answers, for prayer. I was able to help them because I do understand pain. 
I didn't need to measure and compare their pain to mine in order to help them. I didn't have to prove that my spilt blood was worse than theirs. 
I didn't tell them they should be happy they only lost a baby, because the last lady through my door had lost her life, after being tortured and murdered by her husband. 

My depression and her infertility are the same. Neither of us can just choose to make it go away. I know people don't consider mental illness in the same light as physical, but I can't change that either. 

There I go, trying to explain myself when I said I wouldn't.
You asked me yesterday if I was confused. About us? About life? 
Yes. Every day without fail. 
Not so much about life anymore, I'm holding on by a thread, but I'm holding on because my husband begs me often, "just don't let go, please keep fighting". And because of those fabulous children of mine and my beautiful grands.  

About us? Hell yes I'm confused. And I'm scared. 
I know how you feel, "I can't do anything right" either."

I don't want to give up this blog. But I don't want it to hurt those I love either. 
Hell yes I'm confused. And I'm scared. Every day of my life.
I had a text this morning from a dear friend I've had for over 22 years. I have tried very hard to push her out of my life for the last year and a half.
This is a pattern of mine. Hurt them, reject them, push them away first. Supposedly it hurts less than waiting for them to hurt me, reject me and push me away when they finally realize that I am a bottomless hole. Or as my father so eloquently put it, "a selfish, worthless piece of shit". 

You can pour and pour and pour into me but you will never fill the emptiness. In the process you risk losing a large part of your heart and soul. So I'm just trying to save them all that trouble. 

I'd like to share my response to her question "how are you my precious friend?";

"I am still me. Still struggling but taking tiny steps in the right direction. Don't know how God balances that with the "big majors" that I am still unwilling to let go of. But He seems to be able to sort it all out. I am now back in hope & somehow that seems to take faith. I'm just not ready to say I'm back in faith. 
I still cry much more than I laugh and grieve more than I rejoice. But I no longer dread the dawning of a new day and most nights I sleep in peace.
Finally went to see the new psychiatrist yesterday. Liked him alot. Reduced one med & added another. Please pray for my body. I am doing well on the natural hormone replacement therapy. Now if I can just get the brain chemicals adjusted and the 
neurons firing again, then I know I will finally be able to process, heal and walk out of this living hell." 

Maybe I should have waited until all the above was done before I shared my story, my journey. But then it wouldn't be my journey. It would be my journey after I had spent months and years getting well enough to rewrite my story.

Yes, I'm confused.
But I want to continue on with this blog. You are not required to accompany me in the day to day struggles, but I hope you choose to stay in my life. 

You were right, I do have everything I need. I have a loving, dedicated husband who will not let me go. I also have a Father God, who though I have tried to convince Him to take me out of this hell, he too is loving and dedicated and refuses to let me go. And He knows all my secrets. 
I have a fabulous therapist who is able to accept me where I am, while helping me learn how to escape the prison walls in my mind. Then I will  learn how to live again. Finally I will be able to move forward with confidence, purpose and joy. 

I do have everything I need, but it doesn't feel like that, because of what is missing when I don't have you in my life. I need the joy, the laughter, the hope you bring me. I long for the peace of your presence and the warmth of your smile. I look forward to the sound of your voice and your view of the world that is so fresh and alive to me. Life will be so empty without long walks, laying in the grass finding animals in the clouds. I want to stand f2f in the sand again, like sooooo very long ago. I want it all and more. Without you, the emptiness overwhelms and the motivation ceases.
But I also want your peace, your happiness, your ability to move on if that's what you choose.

I have some music to share and then I'll close this day.
But always know I wait.
I don't deserve anything you might choose to share, but still I will wait.
All my tomorrows, all my today's, my kisses, my laughter, my temper, my frown. Only you will know if I'm worth it.

I have decided to keep "The Music In My Heart" and will return often to share. 

Forever, "my love" L.E.

"Leaves That Are Green" simon and garfunkel

"Don't Give Up, You Are Loved" josh groban

"Don't give up
  It's just the weight of the world
  When your heart's heavy
  I...I will lift it for you

  Don't give up
  Because you want to be heard
  If silence keeps you
  I...I will break it for you

  Everybody wants to be understood
  Well I can hear you
  Everybody wants to be loved
  Don't give up
  Because you are loved

  Don't give up
  It's just the hurt that you hide
  When you're lost inside
  I...I will be there to find you

  Don't give up
  Because you want to burn bright
  If darkness blinds you
  I...I will shine to guide you

  Everybody wants to be understood
  Well I can hear you
  Everybody wants to be loved
  Don't give up
  Because you are loved

  You are loved
  Don't give up
  It's just the weight of the world
  Don't give up
  Every one needs to be heard
  You are loved."

 "Windmills of Your Mind" sting

  Like the clock whose hands are sweeping
  Past the minutes of it's face

  And the world is like an apple
  Rolling silently in space

  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind

  Like a tunnel that you follow
  To a tunnel of it's own
  Down a hollow to a cavern
  Where the sun has never shone

  Like a door that keeps revolving
  In a half-forgotten dream
  Like the ripples from a pebble
  Someone tosses in a stream

  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind
  Keys that jingle in your pocket

  Words that jangle in your head
  Why did summer go so quickly?
  Was it something that you said?

  Lovers walk along the shore
  Leave their footprints in the sand
  Is the sound of distant drumming
  Just the fingers of your hand?

  Pictures hanging in a hallway
  In the fragment of this song
  Half-remembered names and faces
  But to whom do they belong?

  When you knew that it was over
  Were you suddenly aware
  That the autumn leaves were turning
  To the color of her hair?

  Like a circle in a spiral
  Like a wheel within a wheel
  Never ending or beginning
  On an ever-spinning reel

  As the images unwind
  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My anger was without excuse. 

Please forgive me. 

I journey on, alone....

Well it seems that the time of this blog has ended.
I was originally encouraged to start it by a friend who said she thought I needed a blog about my journey. So did I, and here it is.

But now it seems that "I have everything I need." And there are people with really serious life problems. I'm so glad that was clarified as if I was too stupid to figure it out on my own.

In all my years as a facilitator of survivor groups do you think I was blind to the horror in others lives? Do you really think that I never knew that other people had it worse?

The woman I ministered to, who slept on my couch, who I took to the hospital with broken bones and burns all over there body, who were beaten to a pulp and raped nearly unto death; did I somehow miss the truth that I have it great and I have everything I need. No, I never thought anything of the kind! In comparison I am a princess and they are trash. Should that change the fact that I've been afraid all my life or that I hate everything about my personality and my life choices? I would think the answer would be a resounding "YES". But the walls that were built to keep out the pain also keep out the love.  
Do you wonder why I would think that I have it worse than my best friend who has buried 7 children? Or than my daughters and daughter-in-law with whom I have walked through 6 miscarriages?
Then you don't know me at all. My compassion and ability to grieve with them is one of my few strengths. I am not proud or haughty about my life, what I have and how blessed I am. 

I am equally perplexed that the goodness doesn't overwhelm the bad, like light scatters the darkness.

I am well aware that "Shit happens you know? Life is not perfect, It's fucking hard. Everyone deals with shit everyday! you are not the only one you know?" & "This is your life! YOUR LIFE!  Don't be a pussy! Put on your big girl panties and Deal With IT!  Its almost like watching someone die a slow and painful death, just laying there dying......But it doesn't have to be this way. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your happiness before it kills you."

So I am. I am striking out on my own again, secure in the knowledge that I have everything I need, shit happens, life is not perfect, everyone deals with shit, I need to quit being a pussy and take responsibility for myself and my happiness. 

But I've been on this road many times before and all that truth never helped me overcome and move on.

My husband is often overwhelmed by my emotions. Especially the dark, depressive ones that cause me to lay in bed, stare blankly at the wall, big tears rolling down my face. He feels helpless. He paces. He prays. And then he gives up, walks out and leaves me alone.
These are some of my darkest hours. The alone ones.

But recently he has started climbing into bed next to me and asking "Do you want me to hold you?" I tearfully nod my head curl up next to him and weep. An awful, mournful weeping that tears at both of our hearts. 
But it doesn't last. 

I think we were both surprised. A really bad, dark depression can keep me down for days, even weeks. But instead, I will cry for 5 or so minutes. Rest and cry some more. He just holds me, whispering that "everything is going to be all right. We are going to make it through this."
Repeating "don't give up, please don't give up. Please don't quit fighting."
Within 30 minutes to an hour I am often sitting up in bed sharing what triggered it (if I know), or at least smiling and human vs zombie.

His initial reaction of fear and hopelessness which led to him leaving me has changed. But it took some encouragement. I had to teach him how to love me through the pain instead of leaving me to fight alone.

One last song and I'm gone:
"That Lonesome Road" james taylor

"Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
  Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
  And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
  Is shining high above the trees

  If I had stopped to listen once or twice
  If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
  If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
  I'd not be on this road tonight

  Carry on
  Never mind feeling sorry for yourself
  It doesn't save you from your troubled mind

  Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
  Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
  And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
  Is shining high above the trees"

We were never meant to walk alone. elle

Monday, August 29, 2011

The dark before the dawn

A very old proverb says:
 "It is always darkest before dawn."

  It's always darkest before dawn,
  your world weary, old and dark,
  dreams die and fade away,
  and all of life is stark.
  take heart in gentle love,
  for she waits within the wings,
  and where she walks
  flowers dance
  and song birds softly sing.
  though you cannot see her,
  she weaves a silken touch,
  leaving footprints in the sand,
  sprinkling kisses, smiles and such.
  lighting the dampened corridors,
  the dark corners of your mind,
  leaving you breathless, wondering,
  bewildered by her kind.
  goodness glints in her brown eyes,
  in the sweet smell of her warmth,
  the world is softly fading,
  hope anew has filled your arms.
  her head upon your chest
  her warmth no longer shunned,
  you share a spoken silence,
  and the two of you are one." elle & friend


Sunday, August 28, 2011

"You is kind.

  You is smart.

  You is important."The Help

Friday, August 26, 2011

"I know I'm not a hopeless case"

I got in trouble for my severely negative post this morning!

I got a swift kick in the ass and some tough love.

It seems it's time for me to "put my big girl panties on and deal with it" ")

I told you I was blessed to have people in my life who know all about me and still love me anyway.
In all truthfulness there are only 2 people who know all my secrets (mostly).
They are the best. I love them both more than life itself and I hate to hurt them. But it seems that watching my "slow and painful death" causes them great pain and anxiety.

I am going to try to do better. BUT this has been one of the most difficult and stressful weeks I've had in a long time. I don't have a lot of reserve strength and when the wind
s of adversity blow, I bend and break so easily.

*So I take back the words and feelings of being un-redeemable and of no value. That isn't truth.

*I take back the title of "Typhoid Mary" of the heart.
That isn't true.

*I take back single handedly destroying every relationship that has come near me.
That isn't true.

*And finally I take back that I have screwed up and over every person who has tried to love me and reach me.
That isn't true. And I'm not screwed. I'm just a "little unwell", alot  :)

So inkeeping with my much improved outlook on me and life in general, I Googled  "Positive Songs"! Good idea Elle!!

Here's one of many that really spoke to me:

"Beautiful Day" U2

"The heart is a bloom, shoots up through stony ground
 But there's no room, no space to rent in this town
  You're out of luck and the reason that you had to care
  The traffic is stuck and you're not movin' anywhere
  You thought you'd found a friend to take you out of this place
  Someone you could lend a hand in return for grace

  It's a beautiful day,
  The sky falls and you feel like
  It's a beautiful day,
  Don't let it get away

  You're on the road but you've got no destination
  You're in the mud, in the maze of her imagination
  You love this town even if that doesn't ring true
  You've been all over and it's been all over you

  It's a beautiful day,
  Don't let it get away
  It's a beautiful day,

  Touch me, take me to that other place
  Teach me love, I know I'm not a hopeless case

  See the world in green and blue
  See China right in front of you
  See the canyons broken by cloud
  See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
  See the bedouin fires at night
  See the oil fields at first light
  See the bird with a leaf in her mouth
  After the flood all the colors came out

  It was a beautiful day
  Don't let it get away
  A beautiful day

  Touch me, take me to that other place
  Reach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case

  What you don't have you don't need it now
  What you don't know you can feel it somehow
  What you don't have you don't need it now
  Don't need it now
  It was a beautiful day"

Have a beautiful weekend, I know I plan to!!! elle

If it gets any worse, shoot it and spare it the misery

I have suspected but had no final proof, until now, that my life is 
un-redeemable and of no value.

I could be called the "Typhoid Mary" of the heart.

I have single handedly destroyed every relationship that has come near me. 

I have screwed up and screwed over every person who has tried to love me and to reach me.
I am screwed.

This is not a bad day. This is a day of reckoning. A day from hell. 

"Savin' Me" nickelback

"Prison gates won't open up for me
  On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
  Oh, I reach for you
  Well I'm terrified of these four walls
  These iron bars can't hold my soul in
  All I need is you
  Come please I'm callin'
  Hurry I'm fallin', fallin'

  Show me what it's like
  To be the last one standing
  And teach me wrong from right
  And I'll show you what I can be
  And say it for me
  Say it to me
  And I'll leave this life behind me
  Say it if it's worth savin' me

  Heaven's gates won't open up for me
  With these broken wings I'm fallin'
  And all I see is you
  These city walls ain't got no love for me
  I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
  And all I scream for you
  Come please I'm callin'
  And all I need from you
  Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

  Hurry I'm fallin'

  All I need is you
  Come please I'm callin'
  And all I scream for you
  Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"

I'm in a bit of shock right now. I needed the right song to express my desperation. I knew there were 3 that a friend had sent me and I went lookin' for them. 

I found this one and I feel like someone just attached a huge stone to my chest and threw me overboard.
When he sent it, it was with a really strange video. I could hear the music but the lyrics escaped me as I tried to figure out the video. I even wrote back and asked what it meant to him.
I never heard the words. I never heard the cry. How could I have been so very, very, very stupid!!!

Forgive me. I wasn't listening. I didn't hear. Why didn't you help me hear your heart? I share mine in a million venues. Music, words, laughter, tears, fear, flight, desperation, clinging, begging.....all I do is share. Trying to be heard.
Why couldn't I hear your desperation crying to be heard? Am I so deaf???

"It's been days and weeks and months now, 
and you only say what you mean at the moment anyhow. 
And this weekend you will start anew. 
And I may mean nothing to you." elle

"Creep" radiohead

"When you were here before
  Couldn't look you in the eye
  You're just like an angel
  Your skin makes me cry
  You float like a feather
  In a beautiful world
  I wish I was special
  You're so ____ special

  But I'm a creep
  I'm a weirdo
  What the hell am I doing here"
  I don't belong here

  I don't care if it hurts
  I want to have control
  I want a perfect body
  I want a perfect soul
  I want you to notice when I'm not around
  You're so _____ special
  I wish I was special

  But I'm a creep
  I'm a weirdo
  What the hell I'm doing here?
  I don't belong here

  She's running out the door
  She's running out
  She runs runs runs

  Whatever makes you happy
  Whatever you want
  You're so _____ special
  I wish I was special

  But I'm a creep
  I'm a weirdo
  What the hell am I doing here?
  I don't belong here
  I don't belong here"

We've gotta talk. No wonder we feel like we're trying to find each other in a fog. We're speaking the same words but in different languages.
The video I just posted I could absorb. But when you sent me the video of the F-word shouting, zombie lookin' band I just didn't get it.
I mean I got it but not like now.
I'm gonna have to close my eyes more and just listen.
How much have you said that I just couldn't hear???

And we continue:

"Crazy" gnarls barkley

"I remember when
  I remember I remember when I lost my mind
  There was something so pleasant about that place
  Even your emotions had an echo
  In so much space

  And when you're out there
 Without care
  Yeah, I was out of touch
  But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
  I just knew too much

  Does that make me crazy?
  Does that make me crazy?
  Does that make me crazy?

  And I hope that you are having the time of your life
  But think twice, that's my only advise

  Come on now, who do you
  Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
  Ha ha ha, bless your soul
  You really think you're in control?

  I think you're crazy
  I think you're crazy
  I think you're crazy
  Just like me

  My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
  And all I remember is thinking, I wanna be like them

  Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
  And it's no coincidence I've come
  And I can die when I'm done

  But maybe I'm crazy
  Maybe you're crazy
  Maybe we're crazy

This one I got.
Thought I never had to question twice. 
Just didn't know I was so "out of touch" 
That you were telling me so much.

You knew all along I was "out of control"
There was a dark place in my soul
But you hung with me even so
Couldn't leave me or let me go.

Does that make you crazy
Knowing I'm crazy
Does that make you crazy
Lovin' me so
I don't know
But God bless your soul! L.E.

To whom it may concern;
If you betray me out of your fear, you'll regret it. If you tell because you're afraid, you'll nail my coffin shut. I'm not threatening you. You are my flesh and blood. But if you can't handle my page you have my permission to leave, you aren't required to stay.
I know you think I'm doing bad. You worry if I'm at the end. And what I might be capable of.  
But it's been oh so much worse & may even get worser still.
You need to know that I'm safe. As long as I'm expressing, I am safe.
The day I shut it all down and say "go to hell", then you can worry. 
BUT you can never tell.
You promised you could keep my truth, you just didn't know it could get so bad. Anytime you say " I just can't hang", then you can go.
Just don't betray me. Don't steal my soul. L.E.

(It's Sunday morning, the 28th. I know now that I don't need to fear your betrayal.
With you my secrets are safe even when you can't cross the line into enabling. Thank you for all you reminded me of this weekend.) I love you, L.E.