It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Thursday, March 21, 2013

When easy becomes complicated...

I was up most of the night contemplating life.... again.
A lousy sexual encounter left me questioning.....again.

As the hours drifted on I wrote the most beautiful wedding vows and even composed the perfect  song. This wasn't asleep, this was me daydreaming in the middle of the night doing what I do best....fantasising. Leaving the questioning and the contemplating behind and dreaming "eyes wide open".

Some things can be so simple yet so complicated at the same time.
Life, love, sex....
Everything starts out so easy. As a child life is a breeze, as a teenager love is around every corner
and sex??? well it doesn't get much easier than passion and fire ;)
How is it that we wake up one day to find it's all very complicated?  Life is work, love is a choice and sex is very different when the fire goes out.

Perhaps it's all perspective? or "the mood of the day"?...
Reading my own blog yesterday, I was searching for a post on Spring (how could spring come and go, over these 3 years of blogging, and there be NO post from this lover of all things "springy"?).
Instead I found unknown treasure. Hidden within the countless posts bemoaning my miserable state of matrimony were a few well hidden but beautiful reminders of why I've chosen this man over and over again. They were posts about happiness and "falling back in love with my husband". Posts about the comfort, safety and peace I feel with him.

But today I can't find them. Seriously, I reread the same 6 posts and found NONE of the good.

How is it that I so easily forget the good and overshadow it with the hopeless???
How the hell can I read the same words I read yesterday and only this catch my eye today;

"10/13/11 "Torment"
That is my life. The hope that spring will come soon and I will thaw and

bloom like I did before the world went dark."

I've spent this morning traveling the trail of new music. I was trying to find the same excitement expressed in this article about Justin Timberlake and his song and video "Mirrors".
But it just didn't happen.
I may need to work on my love for JT because "it just ain't there" for me.

But "never fear" I can always find a jewel when it comes to music.
Today I found it in my weekly favorite, "My Movie Song of the Week" from "Super Marcey's Super Website".
How did she know I have an intimate connection to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova??? :)

I fell head over heels, with this blending of perfection in voices, the first time I heard them sing "Into The Mystic"
This morning I "sailed" once again listening to them sing and feeling the music they wrote for the movie "Once".

I journeyed on unhindered, through the fog of their love and life collaboration, as I watched them share their "love story" in this video;

I was promised tears and the need of "a box of Kleenex" as I watched the JT video about his grandparents love, life and loss. But I didn't cry. I'm sure their love was deep and moving but  personally I wasn't moved.

But my heart broke when Marketa said "for some reason it just wasn't meant to be"'. I felt a deep sense of loss watching the face of this man who obviously still loved the beautiful young woman sitting next to him.

If life were only like it "should" be then it would all end like a dream.
"Soul mates" would always sail away together into the mystic
and sex would always be passion.

Loving the music
(and the dream),

Saturday, March 16, 2013

My heart tattoo

I'm not wild about people explaining "why" they haven't blogged....
like they've been "too busy".... yada, yada, yada....

I've never heard anyone say "I was tired of blogging about my negative attitude, I've been really depressed and accomplished zero, nothing in my life has changed"... yada, yada, yada.
But that's me.

My mind is just aflutter with thoughts lately.
I truly have no one to talk too and talking to myself????
borrrring! :)

This morning I woke up cranky. My hubby brought me coffee in bed... just like everyday...
I felt so lousy, so guilty, so unfair....
how would I feel, if I was deeply in love and dedicated to him, and he treated me with the same disdain I show him. My "you're not wanted" attitude is sad, BUT how do you pretend you want someone when you DON'T?
I live in a constant state of confusion.
????? a question mark is tattooed on my heart.

This is the same quandary I've faced for years. It's grown from a little bug in my ear to a pounding, ever present crescendo....
Can I live this life?
What are my choices???
I HAVE no choices.
I CANNOT leave this marriage.
Only death can separate us... but I don't want to die and he deserves to live and live happy.
My husband is the one in this relationship who has given, sacrificed and dedicated himself.
I'm the one who took.
I'm the one with the most emotional baggage. The one in addiction for 30 + years.
I've always seen myself as the "bad" one and him as the "good" one.
It only makes sense that the "bad" one should die and the "good" one live.
This is my life....
a strange version of the "walking dead"...
a perfect example of "quiet desperation".

I don't know how to go back to the subservient, mildly content, safe, compliant woman from 3 years ago.
I don't know how to move ahead.

I will do my best to write more. Not because you want to hear more of my whining crap :)
but because I do think good things, worthy things, interesting things...
just not as often as I'd like.

AND there is so much music I've wasted. So many fabulous songs I long to share....

Always, elle