It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Thursday, September 27, 2012

What to read? sex or morality???

"Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls. "
Anais Nin
I'm not a big reader. I find reading to be tedious. A book must grab me and hold me or else I'm bored and would prefer to put it down and 'do' something. So I don't "escape" into books like so many others. This inability to sit still can be dangerous. It would be safer for me to be home reading than out looking for my own excitement and adventure (;

Anais Nin makes me a little nervous but so much of what I thought I was "alone" in, I find in her. I'm not ready to plunge into an experiment with lesbianism or deviant sex. BUT something major has changed in my life. I never thought I'd fall in love with a man other than my husband. I never thought I'd feel NO guilt and only rest and pure joy in his presence. I never thought that I would question EVERYTHING including a faith and a marriage that were supposedly my core, my center. I never thought I'd have to make so many moral choices and be so miserable making the "right" ones.

"A man's mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions. "
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

"and all the answers that I started with turned out questions in the end" alison krauss 'gravity'

I'm on the library list for "50 Shades of Grey" but I think I'm more interested in ready Nin's 'Henry and June'.
"Henry and June exposes the pain and pleasure felt by a person trapped between two loves."
the ongoing battle between loving submission and intellectual assertiveness; how difficult it is to be a strong woman while still holding on to one's emotional vulnerability." "

Sounds like me :)
I'm off to the library, again. Surely a book like this will be able to hold my attention.
With love, elle

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Arms of Autumn

The season of the year
after new has passed away
the colored leaves now waltz & float
to celebrate each day.
We too have met that time of life
when youth has danced away
Yet cease we not to waltz, to float
'till in rest our heads we lay.
Enjoy each leaf dance a dance in air
in beauty and in glory
Waste not the days, repeat his ways
 as each season tells your story.
Do hearken now with open heart
and hear the autumn song
Miss not a moment of her breathe,
 she sings away each wrong
And offers you a respite
from the heat of everyday
Within her arms a hidden place
she holds the cold at bay.
Her shelter will continue
'till spring shall bloom at last
Through the certainty of seasons
may you find hope in autumns passed."

Monday, September 24, 2012

Happy Monday Dearies :).

....and just like that.... it was over :).

Friday was a long continuation of days of darkness.
Saturday dawned and I was exhausted beyond words. The grands played outside and I sat quietly watching and refereeing as needed. As the morning moved towards noon I realized I was barely holding on by a thread.

It was my turn to cook for the big family dinner after church on Sunday. I had gumbo, potato salad and banana pudding on the menu. Everyone was invited and excited (we've been waiting impatiently for gumbo weather :). BUT the thought of hours of cooking and toddler watching was overwhelming.

I sent out an "I'm sorry" text to my kiddos. "It seems my desire far outweighed my ability. In other words I'm not cooking.", and then I cried tears of defeat.
Both daughters and daughters in law sent the same return messages, "no problem! I understand completely!!!" and they do :).
Baby brother (my 25 year old son) was disappointed but his wife set him straight real fast :).

Once the text was sent and the responses came in I was greatly relieved!
We ate lunch on the porch, took quick baths and LONG naps. I slept for an hour and a half, and then  made my way to coffee and couch time.

and just like that.... it was over :).

As if someone turned on the light...the darkness was gone.
No more depression. No more exhaustion. No more numbness, sadness, anger or defeat. was all gone :). and I am so very, very grateful.

Evaluating the 10 days of depression, I realized that they coincided exactly with the days I was fighting allergies and a cold that the grands had. As the need for decongestants increased so did my depression.
I pulled out the paperwork on my meds and reread the side effects and interactions:
Yep, the meds I was taking for allergies was increasing the negative side effects of my anti depressant, including the troubling dreams, thoughts of suicide, increased agitation, etc, etc....

Somehow that makes me feel better. The thought that there was a reason why I went down so hard and so fast was reassuring. I am so ready to return to the years when I had occasional days of depression in an other wise good life -vs- a lifetime of depression with rare good days.
I felt I had turned the corner and was on the winning side of this 4 year battle. I still feel that is true.
This was a tough 10 days. But it was just a bump in the road.
I am ready to move on! I am ready to do more and be more.

Untied and ready to fly :)

Friday, September 21, 2012


have one on me
have a magic filled weekend

and I hate it

I believe that today is the first day of something. and I hate it
I made the decision to change my path. and I hate it
It's all farce, just words. I won't be able to follow through. and I hate it
My heart feels empty and my days feel loooong. and I hate it
Change for me comes soooo slowly. and I hate it
I am who I am. and I hate it

If I could do anything I wanted, no fears, no one to answer to....
would I?
Not today. and I hate it

(art work Clare Elsaesser)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Just string me up... please :).

This is me back in April at the deer lease. I was resting after catching and cleaning a string of fish. I love the outdoors.
It was a good weekend :).
I got to sunbathe and gypsy dance in the nude, ride the 4 wheeler (dressed :) and fish to my hearts content.

It's been a beautiful week here on the gulf coast. The weather is perfect. Normally I would take full advantage of it and live outside on my big porch, take my pole and find some fish, get some sun at the park....
but it's not been normal these past 10 days or so. I don't feel the 'this hurts so bad I just want to die' depression of a few days ago but neither do I have any motivation or desire to do anything. I'm in the 'I'm exhausted, my head hurts, I don't give a shit' part of depression. I never know how long it's going to last but I always feel like I'm loosing. I'm in bed, getting older, not living. Just like I was a year ago and the year before that.

I don't know what to say except "it is what it is" and it sucketh BIG time.
Later, elle

Somebody That I Used To Know

"Somebody That I Used To Know" gotye

Watch it again. You'll love the teamwork. I did :).

"Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember"

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over"

"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...
I used to know
That I used to know


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

"Never underestimate the power of "something".
It's everything compared to "nothing".
It is enough."
elle 11/10/11
and today is that day... 
Come hell or high water,
if it kills me,
I'm done.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Just add water...

(this post follows the one I wrote this morning; "dark, drowning, depression")

Can't promise it works every time but thank goodness it worked today!

I told my husband over the phone I had to get away, I was going to the park and I'd be home in time for DD to go to work.
I threw his lunch in the oven and left the house angry, driving through a haze of tears. By the time I reached the water I was quiet and numb. I backed my truck up to the water, sat barefoot on the tailgate staring into the wind.
Time. Friend or foe??? I never know
Alone. Friend or foe??? It varies

But today both 'time' and 'time alone' were on my side. No phone meant no temptation to text and no obsession to share the beauty or the despair.

I spent almost 2 hours in wind, water and sun therapy. I laid on a blanket in the back of my truck and slept a deep, dreamless sleep. I woke in time to grab lunch at my favorite taco joint and got home just in time for my daughter to go to work (and me to go on "duty" with the grands).

I do need to share this funny episode;
My husband was not happy about my trip to the water. He never is.
He was not happy that I wasn't here when he came home for lunch. I'm always home.
He wasn't happy that I'd accidentally left my phone at home. Neither was I.

When I arrived home some 2 hours later I saw that he was still here. I went flying in the back door knowing that no one could reach me and he would be worried.
Sitting with him at the dining table was daughter #2. I could tell she was upset and had been crying.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I ran away to mom's to 'escape', only to find that you weren't here. You'd gone to the park to 'escape'." she laughs.
She and I are both laughing now. My huband is just sitting there (poor hubby....he's surrounded by emotional women :).
DD #2 and I head to the back porch to compare "sob stories" and hubs heads back to work thankful that I'm back home safe and back "on duty".

Life is strange. Just this morning I was debating; "Is it better to be depressed here where people are always in my space or to be depressed somewhere like the beach where it is beautiful but desperately lonely?"
I already tend towards negative thoughts. Depression is isolating. A negative me in isolation is not a good combination. I've never attempted to take my life but I never fail to think seriously about the pro's and cons of living vs dying,  my worthlessness vs the effect such an action would have on my family.

Another "never fail"; I never fail to give thanks that I didn't make the wrong decision in a dark, depressed place.
The water and the time away worked.
I'm better now. Glad to be alive :). Aware that the darkness hides just outside the light :(

I didn't get any house work done, there is nothing thawed for supper BUT I'm home and safe. Daughter #1 is at work and I'm here caring for her little ones. Daughter #2 is back home ready to tackle the challenges of a large family. She knows she is going to "make it". She's seen her mamma do it for years.

dark, drowning, depression

My mind, my will and my emotions feel paper thin. The winds of life are ripping me to shreds.
I started sinking last week. Depression tugs and drags relentlessly until I am powerless to stay above the dark waters.
I am angry. I am lonely. I am bitter. I don't want to fight anymore. I want it all to end.

I Need You Now

"I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me -
but I can't gaze into my own eyes and
feel my own soul lift me up."

(I would love to give credit to the writer of the above but I copied it from a tweet. I know 0 about tweeting.) 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Strange things and repeated fears

Strange things have surrounded my thinking lately.
Strange dreams, strange ideas, strange fears....

Combine the strange with the uncertainty that haunts me daily and the rather unsettling combination is dark . Such was my week....

First I dreamt I had a lesbian lover.
I've feared for long that I wasn't normal or right or acceptable. If my dream were to prove true then I'm really screwed or "un"screwed it would seem :).
I'm not afraid of my sexuality.
I love sex.
I love men and all the wonderful "things" that make them male. I would not want to be denied the passion and pleasures I have only recently rediscovered.
I'm more afraid that my need to be "understood and accepted" would push me to the only thing that could free me from this "straight and narrow" life that is slowly destroying me.

Next I struggled with despair.
Same root fear; I'm flawed somehow.
Two weeks ago I liked me and saw potential...
but not this week.
This week "the old" hangs like a huge, wet sail, wrapped around my body.
What was designed to give flight and freedom, to propel across the frothy sea has instead turned. A cooling breeze turned dead.
I am weighted, slowly drowning, without hope of deliverance.

There are no saviors. My biggest fear of all has proven itself true. No one can rescue me.

It is a strange day in a strange week. A bass filled song that repeats itself with regularity in the story that is my life.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

“Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly,
 you’ll find yourself,
and that, and only that, can be the happiest or
 bitterest hour of your life.”
— Pablo Neruda
One day I looked deep inside and realized "this is me" and I cried.
I'm still crying and nobody knows.
Wisdom from Pooh  ~

"When you are a bear of very little brain and you

think of find sometimes that when the

 thing that seemed very thingist inside quite

 different when it gets out into the open and has

other people looking at it."

Friday, September 14, 2012

"There goes the past, receding and not always

 redeemable, and here comes the future,

waiting to churn us up."

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Too Late A Goodbye

Must keep busy
Not be still
You're stealing me away
Against my will

Must keep busy
Must not think
My mind will wander
and I will sink

Beneath the darkness
Into a place
Where all else fades
Except your face

Must not remember
Those beautiful eyes
While lost in their grayness
My hope was alive

Must keep busy
Must not wait
No one is coming
I found you too late

Monday, September 3, 2012

A crossroad; proceed with caution!

"Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don’t have.

Somewhere along the way, you will meet someone who will be more charming or sensitive than the one you’re already with. More sexy. More thoughtful. Wealthier. Better in bed. And you will meet someone who will need you and pursue you and go crazy over you more than your significant other ever did. Because no one is perfect. Because your significant other will only have 90% of what you’re looking for. So, cheating happens when you look for the missing 10%.

But wait! Thats only 10% of what you don’t have. Don’t throw away the 90% that you already do! Add to the 90% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The many adjustments you have made to better understand each others little quirks. The wealth of memories that you have accumulated as lovers. The old sparks that can always be rekindled by the walk on the beach, barefoot and underneath the stars.

Cheating happens when you start looking for what you don’t have. But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already do. " (author unknown)

I've thought about it alot. I'm still thinking about it.

I just came from seeing the movie Hope Springs. I went to see it by myself. There were lots of "old" couples there (my age :) and several groups of women. But I was the only single (or married person alone). My husband doesn't do sex in movies, (but I always bring a blanket....just in case :). This one was full of sex or at least a lot of talk about it with a little action. Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones and Steve Carell were all in it and they did a super great job!

Meryl Streep plays a lonely woman who desperately wants to connect with her husband after a 31 year, very stale, even disfuncional  marriage.
I see her as fitting the 90%/10% rule. Long marriage, kids, home, life. No passion, no shared joy, nothing new to look forward too. A place in life where the road of the past and the 90% meets the future and the 10%. The place where people often ask "is this all there is?". The place where the years ahead are less than the ones behind. A place of crisis.

Personally I question the 90/10 rule. Do "all the years that you have been with each other", "the storms you have weathered together", "the many adjustments", the "little quirks" and "the wealth of lovers" add up to 90% of life? Am I the sum total of the years I've spent and the children I share with this man? Am I willing to call that my 90%? How do I look forward to a future that holds a chance of adding only 10% to who I am and who we are?

I've been at this crossroad for a long time. I've made many false starts and wrong turns, tried caution and threw it to the wind.
I tried to add excitement, action and hope to my life by trying to expand my horizons. But even in my "cheating" I felt cheated.
It is an effort in futility to try things like the "walk on the beach, barefoot and underneath the stars". I tried those for years only to learn that it's true what they say, "it takes two to tango". One person alone under the moon only makes the loneliness more paralyzing.

I've wandered this road for years watching time slowly come to a standstill.