Trying harder

I wrote yesterday about "decisions".
It turned out to be as much or more about the "questions" I'm tortured with than the decisions I make.
I reread it this morning and saw immediately that it was really just more of me wining about the way things are.
I fall so easily into the "poor me" attitude :(

Yesterday evening I chose to go for a long, "burn that fat" walk.
Back home I took one of my favorite CD's onto the back porch, turned on the ceiling fan and spent a full 45 min with beautiful music. I stretched, lifted light weights and did a modified form of ballet and yoga. It felt amazing. I was wonderfully tired and relaxed.

I walked the length of the porch drinking in the colors of dusk as I cooled down.
I sat in the evening breeze watching the beauty unfold around me.
I thought about love. I thought about life. I thought about trying harder.
My husband was in the house.
He was missing out on the beauty.
That was his choice.

The beauty of the sunrise and sunset is a constant of everyday. It is up to me to get up early enough in the morning or to slow down long enough in the evening to enjoy what is free, available and magnificent.
Life is that way. There is beauty in every day. There are moments of magnificence. Moments of joy. It is up to me to watch for and appreciate them. These life moments are often short lived. They burst into life and then retreat.
I'm not guaranteed a day full of beautiful moments. But if I try harder and look deeper I will find them.


Watching the colors of dusk turn the sky from blue to orange to pink last night moved me.
The colors became vibrant and almost fire like! Then they simmered and mellowed into colors I can't even describe except to say... "it was beautiful".

I am exactly the same way. I am warm, vibrant, almost fire like at times. I simmer and mellow into an amazing, beautiful person.
I find beauty easily. I love the birds, the breeze, the colors, smells and sounds of the outdoors. I enjoy good movies, long walks and quiet evenings. I enjoy sharing them.

It is my desire to share. I don't want to feel all these lovely feelings of beauty without someone to share them with. That is why I blog. I need to share. I need to be heard.

It is why I retreat to fantasy. A place where a man who loves me sits beside me.

Again this is an area where I need to try harder.
My life "is what it is". My marriage "is what it is".
I am blessed to have all my physical needs met.

It is up to me to be who I am, to give what I can, to enjoy and live.
It is not up to me to make my husband happy.
It is not up to him to make me happy.
Happiness is a choice I will try harder to make for myself.

I will try harder to judge him less and accept him more.
I will continue to be me and make my joy, my fun, my adventures available to him.
But it is up to him to enjoy the beauty of the sunrise and sunset that is me.

I will try harder...


LIZ ON TOP OF THE WORLD pride and prejudice

http://youtu.be/IISaqrS_XpQ


The soundtrack from Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorites ever! It moves me with the same passion as the colors of dusk.
Liz On Top Of The World is an amazing piece of music. But it is also painful. It bursts forth with beauty and lures me in. Then as quickly as it appeared...it is gone.
I find our time together to be the same. Amazing yet painful. Full of beauty then gone.
But I still call it my favorite!



    

Decisions, decisions

Today I had to make the decision whether to spend time with my daughter & grands, shopping and eating out, or staying home and cleaning.
I chose to play rather than stay.
(I do have to question if shopping with 2 active boys is my idea of a play day :)

I'm at stay at home Nana. I have a daughter who lives with us and I keep her 2 & 4 year old's while she works. I keep the household running smoothly, meals cooked, kids happy and house clean. I do a good job. I do it with joy :).

Not all my decisions are that easy.
Not all of my life runs that smoothly and with joy.
Instead it is messy and uncomfortable and downright dirty at times.

Is it really as easy as just "try harder"?
I'm a strong woman. I can do hard things. I can stay and try harder to be who I used to be. To be more acceptable. I can close my heart to the me who is fun and adventurous. Turn my back on the me who likes "iffy" jokes, cold beer and being nude in the sun. But I like the new me. I really, really do :).
I can try harder, but should I???

Sometimes I can't help but ask "why?". Why do I stay??
Is it to save face, the family name, to bring honor and not shame to my husband and children?
So many people do all the "right" things for what is seemingly the "right" reasons. But is it right to do right simply for the sake of right?
I know the answer is "yes" but it feels so "wrong".

Am I asking for too much?
Am I unthankful?
When is enough, enough?
When do you throw in the towel?
Am I wrong to want passion and not just familiarity? Am I being selfish because I long for a companion and not just someone to occupy a space in my bed?
I want to be "in love".
I want to laugh again.
Is that wrong???

The decision would seem so easy if I could ask myself "do you want someone who enjoys you? or are you willing to spend another 35 years with someone who only tolerates you?"
Ask it another way, "Do I want to be with someone I enjoy or someone I just tolerate?"
It might appear easy BUT it's not. It's not just about what I want or don't want.
It's about a thousand roots tangled together with no way to seperate one from the other. No way to dislodge one without destroying the entire system.

So everyday I wake up and make the decision, once again, to stay.

what controls me, what I control

On Oct. 26, 2010 I wrote a post called "mountain climbing".
I reread it today.
I rewrote some of it.
It's about going around the same mountain over and over and over.
It's about what we learn with every trip.

I've been discouraged lately. I'm back, again, where I started. Back to a place of hopelessness that is all too familiar.
I feel isolated, hurt, angry and tired. Each trip from hopelessness to hope takes much energy.

The first time I blogged about my trip around this mountain I wanted to die. Literally.
The second time I wanted to live :)
The first time I saw no hope.
The second time I had found hope but still hadn't found my way.

This time my way is even more unclear. Reality is making my journey very weighty. I feel myself retreating. I feel the discouragement that comes with saying "I tried and failed".
I tried to be my own person but I failed. I tried to leave but I stayed. I tried to fly but a cage is my home.

I've spent the last 8 weeks without Love. It's gone and it's not coming back.
I've spent the last year trying to convince myself that it's better to have security than acceptance, food than love, a roof than happiness.
That makes me safe, full and sheltered.
It also leaves me vulnerable, empty and trapped.

Did I learn anything this time around???
Yes
...I learned that my roots are DEEP. If I pull up and move on it will leave a massive hole in the lives of many. I don't know if I could ever be happy or find a place of peace knowing that my children, my husband (or ex), and many friends would be left behind believing, praying and standing for my return.

...I learned that I can control my husband with alcohol. He HATES it on every level. All it takes is one glass of wine and I don't have to deal with him for several days. He sleeps on the couch, avoids me and doesn't speak to me.
This used to crush me. The rejection was nearly unbearable.
It used to anger me! It used to control me. It was his tool. He knows I will do almost anything to be accepted and avoid rejection.

Now I'm afraid I've turned a dangerous corner. This is a powerful weapon and it seems that once again he's pushed me over an edge I never would have crossed.
Once again I'm giving control to something that has the power to both control and destroy me. But I'm running out of options.
 

I felt stupid...

I wrote you today, twice.
First to invite you to spend a very special, twice in a lifetime, day (& possible night) at the beach with me.
Then to tell you that I needed to save face (and sanity).
I know you'd never come and rather than spend a week in anticipation of the impossible I was bowing out in what I thought was a creative and somewhat comical way.
No response.... as usual.
I felt stupid.

Maybe nothing I send you makes you smile.
Maybe all the things I find hilarious are just silly & childish to you.
Maybe...but I'll never know.

I tried repeatedly to send a third email.
But all I could get out were 4 letter words.

I was embarrassed.  I hid behind hurt and anger.
But don't fret...
I'm a slow learner but I'm not stupid.
It's just another lesson in "how to let go the hard way".
Soon it will be over and I'll be gone for good (or at least another 35 years :).

.....and that's about as "better" as you can get :).

other peoples lives

I enjoy quiet mornings of surfing the web. I've taken to reading the blogs I follow and then following the things they follow. The world is HUGE! The people are amazing!! There is so much joy, inspiration and creativity.
My world can be very small. Some days I can't see past this bedroom. It is boring and uneventful and growing more cynical with ever year.
I always swore I'd never end up a bitter old lady. But I see her ugly frown entirely too often :(
I always said I'd grow old gracefully like Barbara Bush. But instead I'm fighting it wrinkle, by sag, by bulging vein :).

Reading about the ordinary lives of ordinary people who view life through a lens of joy encourages me.
Today I met Carlotta. She dresses FAB, is young and full of life, dreams & plans.
I also visited abbie. She was musing her future in photography. She ALWAYS makes me smile.
A quick stop by Beach Bungalow gave me a little culture into the world of art made from sofa stuffing. LOL!
Life feels good from the bed this morning.
BANANA PANCAKES jack johnson
http://youtu.be/6Graa_Vm5eA

breaking the silence

After weeks of desperately needing to hear from you I finally got an email last night.
The news of your 6 weeks of sobriety is the best news I could ask for.
The fact that it coincides exactly with the day you turned and walked away from me is almost unbearable.
I still want what is impossible. I still want you.
I responded to your email and said all the right things, careful not to let my broken heart show.
I love you. I do want what is best for you. I'm so foolish to continue to hope that it could somehow include me.
I know you are going to continue on the "right" path. God forbid I lay my burdens on your shoulders and make your road more difficult.
You are wise and good. You do what needs to be done no matter the cost.
I envy those traits. I do not posess them where you are concerned.
I don't know what the future holds for me but I know yours is looking bright and for that I am thankful.

could you, would you, should you?

I could sit on this porch in the sun and the breeze dreaming of you all day. Could I?
I could send you funny signs, great music and believe you cared. Would I?
I could keep loving you. I could do it alone and forever. Should I?
Yes!

You could sit by the water, laugh and talk to me about anything. Could you?
You could lay by me, whisper and share the clouds like you used to. Would you?
You could drink your life away trying to hide from your fears. Should you?
You could love me without limits. You could.
But you won't.
And that makes you the better man.

DOWN miranda lambert
http://youtu.be/kSDvBqDpcMA

ramblings

"comments make my day. so leave one & be awesome." by abbie @awakened
abbie still makes me smile. i love her youth and innocence, her love of photography and love of words.

My worD pot has been filling up and filling up and filling up. I can feel a spillover coming. I desperately need to find a new therapist. With a thought life of 1200 words a minute, a husband who  listens but is clueless to what I'm saying, a best friend who's life is unbelievably full of drama and my personality that does not lend itself to making and keeping friends.....I've got no one to talk too.
(i am aware that "I've got no" is grammatically incorrect, but I've still got no one to talk too :).
I'm sorta clueless of where to start. Do I write about my continuing obsession? The futility of said obsession? My proposal to my husband? The mistake I made with said proposal and the feelings of panic I now have?  How aware I am of life around me? How lovely the St. Augustine feels under my feet or the playing of the birds delights me more and more each day? The stab of regret and the dull ache I carry? An ache that reminds me that I've no one to share the waves, the bunny or the snake I see in the passing clouds? The fear that old things are returning to haunt me? The fact that I had to force myself to sit on the porch this morning when only last week I was bitching because I couldn't get outside enough? The fear that I am being lured back into my cage? That I will slowly give up the fight, relent and settle?

I have a blog in my head that links the upcoming movie LesMiserables with a song by Ben Howard called The Wolves. It is my thoughts on spirituality, demons and God. I believe wholeheartedly in the existence of each but it is a battle I am unwilling to participate in. (although I know I am knee deep in the blood of said battle)
I have another about old phrases, questions, and new ideas:
"If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?" (i say yes)
"What you don't know can't hurt you." ???? (like i said, i have enough thoughts on that one to do an entire page :)
What about this one???  Every 20 years or so a marriage should end and the people get to start over. That one has me stumped. I'm 34 years into this one. Some days I am content to spend another 34 where I am and some days the thought makes me want to jump off a cliff.

DESPERATION miranda lambert
http://youtu.be/i8Ma02FlZZI

I feel like my worD pot has been emptied enough that I can avoid a fruitless contact with someone who will neither acknowledge or respond to anything I have to say. I was lonely when I started this blog 11 months ago. I was lonely when I started typing this morning. I am still alone.
But there are 11 birds lined up on the top of my fence and I can't help but laugh. They keep moving from one end to the other, trading spots and arguing. The sky is a perfect blue with the slightest breeze moving the clouds. The dogs are quiet and the birds are LOUD.
and I'm smiling :).

Be blessed, elle

the seventies and me

Embroidery on denim was HOT in the '70's. I was right in the middle of the frenzy, my hands busy working the needle and the rainbow of floss onto anything denim I could lay my hands on.

I browsed online this morning and found some cool pieces for sale ranging from $90 - $385.00. WOW!

I have no clue what happened to my pieces but I remember them very well. A denim shirt with a big Holly Hobbie on the back and Winnie the Pooh on the front was a favorite.
I even won a contest once for a pair of "hip hugger" jeans w/ a train across the butt :).

The '70's held a plethera (an overabundance) of life for me.

I turned 10 in November of 1970. I crocheted, embroidered, played solitaire and made gum wrapper chains.

By '74 I was "hot" in my daisy dukes, bikinis and "crop tops". My life was music, boys, purple, isolated, beachy, boys, solitaire. I was awash in hormones. My body was perfect, my libido was strong, my emotional health and decision making skills were sorely lacking.

There was little balance or normalcy in my life. My parents were long divorced and each was neck deep in their own perpetual stages of crisis.

My memories are faded and what remains is the alcohol, sexuality, assault, deception, anger and fear all around me.

The little girl thrown into the adult world had been too long struggling to survive. By the 1970's I was already damaged goods.

"Keep your head down and your eyes closed. What you can't see can't hurt you."

1977, I was pregnant.

1978 I was a wife and mom...

I don't remember most of the music of the '80's. I was BUSY! By 1987 I had 5 children, I was a pastors wife and lived a VERY sheltered but safe life. SAFE was all I cared about.

From the 70's I remember the Jackson's, the Carpenters, the Osmonds & the Partridge Family.

I loved Ray Stevens, Jerry Jeff Walker, Carly Simon and Barbra Streisand. I listened to McArthur's Park by Richard Harrison. I remember the Beatles, Chicago, the Eagles.....  at my peak in 1975 I loved everything!

Reading "The Top 100 Songs of 1975" I know all but 3!

"The seventies and me" lived hard, loved often, hid, ran and survived.

Not exactly the way I'd choose to live my teens but I can't go back....

I threw away so much of my life in the '70's. I had no clue when I left my denim behind that one day it would be worth hundreds. No clue that the Love I rejected would one day come back and restore my youth. No clue I was making forever choices.

I've tried, for years, to forget that much of that decade even happened. But "the seventies and me" are finally making peace with one another. And this is good :).

 

Just for fun leave the name of your favorite song from the 70's in the comment box. We'll all sing together!

Hold The Line

Hold The Line toto
http://youtu.be/vCo_a8i0-JM