It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Thursday, May 31, 2012

New music, new challenge, old fears

OLD PINE ben howard

Surfing blogspot looking for interesting people ALWAYS yields great results. I found myself on a great site for music, water and lovers of surf called "SoulBlog."

Check out their beautiful video: "Fathoms Left to Fall"

A search for the music played on "Fathoms" led me to the video "Old Pine" where I fell in love with an acoustic guitar, a cello and the beautiful blending of smiling musicians and lovely harmony.

I played the cello and sang beautifully at one time.
I also loved an acoustic guitar player.
But unfortunately...
not at the same time.

Since I began this blog I have walked through debilitating depression, suicidal thoughts and the decision to leave my marriage.
I have made amazing progress in these past 11 months!
I am mostly depression free. I want to live and I love my husband very dearly :).
Good stuff!!

My new challenge is finding a way through obsession.

An Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be anything from gambling to checking door knobs.
My obsessions have ranged from sex to spending, from door knobs, counting, typing in my head to clicking my teeth.
Most people who have obsessions have a difficult time with uneven numbers. I'm no exception. For years I counted squares on the floor, syllables and how many slats there are on my miniblinds. I would add and subtract or even move my chair to hide an extra square. Whatever it took to have an even number.
According to my therapist an obsession is based in fear. The fear that if you don't do a certain activity that something bad is going to happen. OR an escape from something that causes fear.
Obsessions are very time consuming and draining. The hiding, the planning, the waiting by the phone or computer can consume hours and days.

I don't remember a time that I wasn't obsessed with something. They followed me through adolesence and into adulthood. When I turned 50 the obsession with "something" became an obsession with "someone".
The old fears crept slowly back in. The fear of discovery. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection.

His (my therapists) answer to the problem: Just quit. Quit counting the squares on the floor. Quit checking the door knob to make sure it's locked. Just quit...
And so I did. And he was right....nothing bad happened.

I have been able to overcome many of the some'things'... but not the some'one'.

I was an addictive/obsessive spender with thousands of dollars in hidden debt for years and years. But the fear, the rush and the need of spending never touched the fear, the rush, and the need of some'one'.
My nights, my days, my songs, my laughter and my tears all say "someone".

What to do??
Don't give up.
Face my new challenge and my old fears.
Enjoy some new music :).

A few of my favorite lyrics from Ben Howard:
"No man is an island, this I know.
 But can't you see?
 Maybe you were the ocean when I was just a stone."

"And the birds still sing outside
 These windows where we sat together
 Like nothing ever happened here."

"Cause I don't want to,
 To trouble your mind with the childish design
 Of how it all should go.
 But I love you so.
 When it all comes clear,
 When the wind is settled,
 I'll be here, you know."

"Go your way,
 I'll take the long way 'round,
 I'll find my own way down
 As I should.

There'll be oats in the water
There'll be birds on the ground
There'll be things you never asked her,
Oh how they tear at you now."

"Hot sand on toes
 Cold sand in sleeping bags.
 I've come to know the friends around you
 Are all you'll always have.
 Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone
 Careless and young, free as the birds that fly
 With weightless souls now.

We grow, grow, steady as the morning
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, steady as the flowers
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still"

"Darling you're with me, always around me.
 Only love, only love.
 Darling I feel you, under my body.
 Only love, only love.
 Give me shelter, or show me heart.

 Give me love, give me love.
 Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart."

"I been worryin' that my time is a little unclear
 I been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
 I been worryin that we all live our lives
 In the confines of fear.
 Oh I will become what I deserve

 I been worryin', I been worryin'
 I will become what I deserve."

I obsess over getting things "right". (I will rewrite this post a minimum of 3 times.) Only sharing one line to a song is almost unaccepable. I did so good 'till this last song.
I think I'm getting tired and I can't choose my favorite line, so I just copied and pasted the whole thing :).

I spent my time watchin' the spaces that have grown between us.
And I cut my mind on second best or the scars that come with the greeness.
And I gave my eyes to the boredom, still the seabed wouldn't let me in,
and I tried my best to embrace the darkness in which I swim.
Oh the darkness in which I swim.

I'm walkin' back down this mountain
with the strength of a turnin' tide
Oh the winds so soft on my skin,
The sun so hard upon my side.
Oh lookin' out at this happiness,
I search for between the sheets.
Oh feelin' blind and realize,
All I was searchin' for was me.
Oh all I was searchin' for was me.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your hair,
Keep your hair long.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same,
Eyes like wild flowers, with your demons of change.
May you find happiness there,
May all your hopes all turn out right.
Oh may you find happiness there,
may you find warmth in the middle of the night.
I saw a friend of mine the other day,
and he told me that my eyes were gleamin'.
Oh I said I had been away, and he knew,
oh he knew the depths I was meanin'.
And it felt so good to see his face,
or the comfort invested in my soul.
Oh to feel the warmth of a smile,
when he said "I'm happy to have you home."
Ooh I'm happy to have ya home.

And I showed my body to the sea again,
and I laughed at her for bein' so cruel.
And I left these broken bottles, and empty cooridors.
And I walked right on through.
And I never, I never dream of you.
Oh honey I never, I never dream of you."

I journey on.
Much love, elle


They say "a man never knows how to say good-bye and a woman never knows when".

I can't figure out when, how or why.
But I do know how a man says good-bye:
Meet in a special place, see her smile, her willingness, her joy.
Know that she believes you love her and want her.
Then walk away

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

"When you came to me
You said love could not erase
The ever present memory of another face

I tried to make you love me
How I could I be so blind
To think I'd be the one to change your mind"

What's in a name????

 "I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I've never been able to believe it. I don't believe a rose would be as nice if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage."
Anne (with an e) of Green Gables

Anne always found it important to remind people that her name was spelled with an "e".
Not Ann, but Anne.
It was her name, unique to her and worth spelling right!

Our daughters name was mispelled at birth. Like Anne the letter missing is an "e". Actually 2 e's.
Two missing e's doesn't seem like a big issue but the mis-spelling seperated her from a very special person in my life and instead linked her with a 'not so favorite' person.
Our sweet girl was delivered by a mid-wife at our home. (great story for another day!)
I was excited to name her after my best friend and maid of honor, Emelie.
I also had a cousin by marriage, Emily.
After her birth my husband and our pastor went straight to the Judge and registered
her birth as Emily Amanda.
I did not discover the misspelling for several days and was told that the process to correct the mistake was a complicated and lengthy one.
With 3 small children and a newborn I relented. I didn't have the strength to fight it.

I don't talk about the mis-spelling because I love her and I would never want her to feel that 2 e's would somehow change that.
Do I wish her name had been spelled right? Yes.
When my friend Emelie thinks about me I wish that thought was accompanied by the thought that I loved her so much that I named my daughter after her.

I go by many names. My given name, an altered version for family, my maiden name, my middle name, and my online name's'.
Having so many name's' has NOT brought peace. It makes me anxious. I feel myself being torn between different worlds as I move from one name (identity) to the next.
When I escaped to this "online" world and assumed another identity I was lonely and desperate.
I found acceptance and freedom. I was much more comfortable here than in the "real" world.
I was living a beautiful dream. Loved by 2 wonderful men and unable to give up either.

My therapist warned me to be careful about splitting myself into multiple worlds, multiple identities.
I've not found a way to merge all that I am, so I will continue to move ahead steadily, happy with the progress I've made and anticipating what's next.

There will come a time when the "me" who blogs, likes "iffy" jokes, cold beer, dancing and non-Christian music is as welcome in my "real" world as the "me" who plays with grandbabies, goes shopping with my girls, 'junkin with my mom and makes love to one good man.

This online world of secrets has become very lonely.
I look forward to the day when I am no longer split. The day I welcome elle into the world of L.E.
What's in a name?
For this nana, mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend and lover of fun my name's' are everything.

They are who I am and who I am becoming.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Green things

It's incredibly quiet this morning. Very rare!
Sitting in my Nana chair (a big overstuffed chair that will fit 1 Nana and 2 small grands), and enjoying the view.
This is the best spot in the house and I'm surprised how seldom I take advantage of it.
From here I can see out 3 sets of french doors and the windows of the sun room. It's like a vision in green :)
Green grass, green leaves and even a wildly aqua green house! Birds are in abundance and I never tire of their communication across my yard.

I've started gardening again. I don't actually have a garden but I do have 2 tomato and 2 bell pepper plants ready to go into an old wash bucket :).
I have flowers again.

Before the storm I had a lovely front yard and porch, as well as a huge red hibiscus on one end of the house, pink azaleas on the other and plans for paths and a pond.
That was 3 years, 8 months ago.

After the storm I avoided the front porch and seldom went outside. I let several amazing plants die without ever giving them one drink of water and only scowling at them when I walked by. Unbelievably I even let 10 crepe myrtle trees (a welcome back to your house gift) sit in my frig for months until I finally threw them in the trash.

Time has healed much of the grief, confusion and hopelessness of loss.
I find myself doing, enjoying, loving and giving again.
I see my creativity as I drag old barrels, buckets and tiny blue rubber boots out of my garage.
I'm planting again. Relishing the smell and feel of the dirt. Aware that I too am growing and blooming.

There are memories and treasures I cannot recover, relationships I can never restore. But there are new memories to be made, treasures in unexpected places, relationships that have been found and others that have grown.
I am not alone. I found a wonderful new friend and she is me :).

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'm just going to jot down some thoughts and come back later to organize and beautify :).

I worried and worried about yesterdays post. Why did I write it? Why did I send it?
I felt guilt and shame. I felt stupid. My old "self loathing" trying to sneek back in.

This morning I logged on as quickly as I could. Maybe I could fix what I screwed up again!
(with you I felt like a perpetual screw up.
without you I feel like a screw up/obsessed stalker :).

I read what I wrote and smiled. There was nothing wrong with it. I wasn't being needy or wanty or bad in some way.
It was a good post. I enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed the warmth and the smile I felt remembering the good memories.

I wasn't overwhelmed by the loss. I felt a mild dread, but that ache of loss is just a reminder that everything about you was real. To me our friendship was beautiful. Far from perfect but so precious to me.

Later gator....

Monday, May 21, 2012

The year was 1975...

"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"  bee gees

The year was 1975...
A summer of boats and bikini's, concerts and kisses..
f toes in the sand, east to west...
When music rocked, we were free...
And things that could've been ...somehow  weren't.

Now memories linger, some questions have answers, but not the "why's??"
And some things never change... like broken hearts
Whether we're 14 or 54...
They still hurt. And the pain feels like it will never end.

BUT when I weigh the pro's and con's...
"I would rather have had you for a whisper in time than not at all ♥".

Not because it doesn't hurt to lose you, it hurts like hell.

But what I gained in that whisper of time changed me for the better. It changed me forever.
I can fly higher, smile bigger, laugh often, love deeper.

All I needed was someone to accept me for who I was, which gave me the freedom to become sooo much more :).
Yes, it was worth it all.

You were the key that opened my cage and set this heart free... to soar!
"I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow."

But I can also hear the song of the black bird, the clouds and your laughter.
I smile, and I ache.
I haven't found a way to do one without the other.

"Smiling through the tears,
Walking through the fears,
Loving you through the years."

There are some things I just can't change.
There are some I just want to keep forever.
You are both.





Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Just another verse in your looong song.

It's only been 8 days since I said my final "goodbye", but it feels like an eternity. Surely months or at least weeks have passed.
Moments of melancholic loneliness rush over me like waves.

Only pride prevents me from reaching out to "Touch You For Awhile".

There was a time when I thought I could make you smile. Thought I had something "new" to offer.

"I don't hardly know you,
But I'd be willin' to show you,
I know a way to make you smile.
Just let me whisper things,
You've never heard before.
Just let me touch you for awhile."

This was one of the first songs I sent you. How embarassing that I didn't watch the video first. The song meant so much to me but the video was ALL wrong! :).

I was such a newbie to everything (YouTube, texting, phone pictures, secrets, desire...)
I was so clueless to so much.
Just like the girl from so long ago, the woman was still wounded, running, hiding.
I think I was ripe for the picking but I had no idea that somewhere inside I had been waiting.
Waiting for permission. Waiting for acceptance.
I thought after all the years of rejection and conforming that change and growth were impossible.
You cracked the door and I came running out "like someone had left the gate open".

Everything about you was fresh, new and exciting to me!!

I just knew we were destined to find each other.
I just knew I was "one of kind" in your life.
I was wrong.

You were "one of a kind" to me. The kind I could never let go.
But I think I was just another verse in your very looong song.
A song you've played before, only changing the names and dates.

The rain is coming. I can see the clouds in the distance.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Is today the day???

will you ever drop by again to say "Hi"?

are you ready for my final "goodbye"?
will today be the day?

I miss the quiet of the water and the beat of your heart.
I HATE this silence!! It is pushing me away.
will today be the day?"

"EVERYBODY"  ingrid michaelson

We have fallen down again tonight
In this world it’s hard to get it right
Try to make your heart feel like a glove
What it needs is love, love, love

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open up your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

Everybody feels the love
Everybody steals the love,
Everybody heals with love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, just let the love, love, love begin

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh, oh, oh, Just let the love, love, love begin

I chose to make today the day. I couldn't stand the silence.
I wrote a final "good-bye", but the words just didn't come out right.
Silence is now the rule.
No more "do-overs".
Everything feels empty.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Loosing to Gain

"Loosing to Gain" sums up much of my life lately.

I've lost so much in the past. Now it is time to look at it in a new light.
I'm not losing, I'm gaining.
It's not being ripped from me, I'm letting it go.

But it still feels like it's being ripped.
I don't really want to let go. I want to hold on.
Things in the past that were stollen from me and things in the present that I am choosing to let go of still feel like loss. They feel the same.
They are things that define who I am.
But when I look at them honestly I have to ask "Is this really who I want to be?"

Supposedly I'm letting go of the excess, the ties that bind, in order to be free.
But I don't feel free. I feel empty. I feel loss.
There is a saying on FaceBook "The truth will set you free...but first it will piss you off."

It did.
But my outward anger is always short lived.
Quickly it is replaced with inward anger: depression
But I've learned that with time neither anger nor depression are permanent.

a place of freedom....a place of never permanent either.
Not yet.
Finding and loosing peace, and the happiness that comes with it, is as painful as living without it.

Remind me again what I'm gaining. I'm very familiar with what I'm loosing....