It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Friday, October 28, 2011

In which I am a ballerina....

 I was born in the wrong era...

I haven't seen anything so lovely or so "me" in a long time.
In this dress I am;
a princess 
a ballerina 
a bride 
going to prom with flowers on my wrist
barefoot on the beach
completely happy
In which I stay forever.....

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Golf balls, mountains and apples...oh my!

Yesterday we talked about my martyrdom, facing truth and calling an apple an apple.
In truth, "It is what it is" and it's my choice.

We talked about circling the same mountains over and over until we conquer them by wearing them down to mole hills. This happens by either overcoming them or leaving them behind, no longer able to hold power and "control" over us.

I spent much of the day "chatting" with a friend. It had been months since we chatted and no matter which direction we head we always end up at the same place. Playfully teasing, pushing the boundary lines and ending up hurt. Yesterday I spoke the truth, as best I could, from a pure heart and hurt him.
Today I tried to breach the subject again but he was headed in any direction to avoid it. Truth that is. And I ended up hurt.

Why? Why am I hurt? What is it that I wanted???
It's the exact thing that I'm trying to overcome. Believing that somewhere there is someone who can and will make me happy. Putting all my emotions in a basket and handing it to someone and saying "here, fix this", when I know that they are no more equipped to fix impossible situations than I am.

So I'm at the base of this mountain. I can keep trudging around it hoping that it will grow weary and fall. Duh! It's not going to happen so I cry, pout and live in a self imposed world of depression and isolation.

It seems I've identified the problem but I keep asking "Now what?".
Another delaying tactic. I know what's next. I spent the last 8 months in therapy to get the point my therapist refuses to get off of.

We were making good progress. I was claiming and declaring the positive affirmations it took me months to find.
Every session was about changing the 1200 negative words a minute by replacing them with the positive.

Every session the same question: "what do you want elle? what do you want your life to look like?"
That was hard! My answer, "different" "I want my life to be different. I don't want to be the woman I was before but I don't have a clue what I DO want."

We began to break through that wall and I got the "golf ball" revelation.

There were things that I wanted. Things that were me that I wanted to own and not deny or hide. Simple things like my desire to write, to dance, to learn (maybe go back to school). I'm a real "fun lover" and we were identifying things that I find fun that are also safe, like fishing, boating and 4-wheeling.

There are things that I love like ball games (I don't care who's playing. Just give me a place to jump around and scream!!! Great therapy!)

These are all things that I should be able to enjoy and not offend my husbands strong sense of right vs wrong.

I was also discovering and acknowledging things that I find fun but have the potential for danger (like drinking, in excess).
I was having to discover these things without my husbands approval but that was OK because I needed to know for myself, not because someone else gave or with-held their approval.

 I was branching out with money and overcoming my fear of messing up (after years of a serious spending addiction).
I also came to realize that my husband used that fear as a way to control me. I faced that one head on and said "NO MORE". (you go girl!)

My last visit with my therapist was the beginning of this month. 
We had thoroughly explored the "golf ball" issue and we were both pumped!
Here was my chance. My assignment: write. write a book
Hello!!! Someone is telling me to do what my heart has been crying out to do???
"Write a book elle. Each chapter will be a different dimple on the golf ball..."

I won't repeat the whole story, I already told it when it happened. (see Oct. 3rd "Write A Book")

What I didn't share was what he asks me every session right before I leave. He always looks at me and asks "what's going on behind those brown eyes?"
I whispered through my tears, "I'm going to have to give up my Love and I don't know how to do that and live."
He answers, "the more you pull away from your Love the more you will draw close to your husband."
"I know. And I don't want to do that either."
"we'll get there" he answers.
"can I just skip that trip?" I laugh through my tears.
"it's gonna be OK" he assures me.
But I'm pretty sure he's wrong.

That's the way I wrote it in my journal and shared it with my Love.

I haven't progressed since that day. I've grown more and more distant.
I cancelled my last 2 sessions. I haven't written a word of my book.

I don't care about the golf ball or the dimples.
I can't see past the truth; "I'm going to have to give up my Love and I don't know how to do that and live."

My heart is breaking and I've cried all day.

Yesterdays post was called Mountain Climbing and my friend Judy had this comment:
"OK sweetie. Step one-see the situation for what it really is. You are doing that. See, you are already making progress."

I read it this morning and just cried.
I replied with: "I don't know why your comment meant so much but it did. I'm sitting here crying because a stranger encouraged me that I'm doing good.
I know you can tell by my posts that I'm in deep. Obviously not the kind of things I can share with people who know me. Making the choice to follow my heart has left me very lonely & isolated. So many people all around me. ALL willing to love me but I'm not willing to risk their approval by being completely honest.

But I remember you saying that everyone doesn't need to know everything.
So, here I am finding comfort in a stranger I trust, feel safe with and whose opinion and experience I covet.

Want to tell me what step two is :) :) ???
I'm completely clueless."

But I'm not clueless. I'm just back around that mountain again. I'm still fighting step one because I'm scared to death about step 10!!

I know that I need to go back to the beginning. Start replacing the negative, self hatred, "you lousy bitch" thoughts with the positive affirmations that I still believe.
Then I need to go back to the golf ball, pick it up, identify a dimple (something that is me), give it a name and write about it.
Chapter One: I love music....

I need to lay aside the leaving or staying, this man vs that man, the future vs the past, forgiveness vs not for later.
I had laid it all aside, but when I turned around my arms were full of it again (the same old mountain).

I've been given permission and encouragement to play Scarlet O'Hara and "think about that tomorrow", or in my case next month or year or whenever it's time to face step 8, step 9, step 10.....

Today I'm continuing to build on step one, "seeing the situation for what it is", calling an apple an apple and not expecting someone else to be responsible for the care of that apple.

Today I'm carrying step one with me while I advance to step 2.
Calling the golf ball what it is and not allowing anyone to cover up the dimples with their "white out".

I can finally breathe again.

Earlier I was looking for a beer or a loaded gun. But I don't need either.

I'm going to make it. One step at a time.

I went to find the conversation from my last therapy session and while scooting around my page I found this.
My Love sent it to me yesterday.
I never saw it.
I wrote an entire blog yesterday about the truth.
I wrote another one today.
And here was a beautiful word of encouragement that I knew nothing about, just waiting for me.
I don't call him my Love for no reason.
We are kindred spirits.
We have been soul mates since I was a very young girl.

"Words I Couldn't Say" rascal flatts

"In a book- in a box- in the closet
  In a line- in a song I once heard
  In a moment on a front porch late one June
  In a breathe inside a whisper beneath the moon

  There it was at the tip of my fingers
  There it was on the tip of my tongue
  There you were and I had never been that far
  There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms
  And I let it slip away

  What do I do now that you're gone
  No back up plan no second chance
  And no one else to blame
  All I can hear in the silence that remains
  Are the words I couldn't say

  There's a rain that will never stop fallin'
  There's a wall that I tried to take down
  What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips
  So I held back and now we've come to this
  And it's too late now

  What do I do now that you're gone
  No back up plan no second chance
  And no one else to blame
  All I can hear in the silence that remains
  Are the words I couldn't say

  Are the words I couldn't say

  I should have found a way to tell you
  How I felt
  Now the only one I'm telling is myself

  What do I do now that your gone
  No back up plan no second chance
  And no one else to blame
  All I can hear in the silence that remains
  Are the words I couldn't say"

With love, elle 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mountain climbing

I've had a hard time the last couple of days trying to come up with something to write about.
I wrote on Monday about my weekend, my grands, my garage sale and about how confused I am about love.
One of my followers, Judy, is one tough cookie, a survivor and a woman who says it like it is had this comment to make;

"I'm still waiting to hear why you give others the job of making you happy. You can do it for yourself."
My comment in turn was;
"How Judy?

I walked around yesterday like a whipped puppy. Asking myself "why?".
Why do I give others the job of making me happy??
The only answer I could come up with was "because I always have".
But when I dug a little deeper I think it comes down to the fact that I don't want to do what is required to be happy AND I want to blame someone else when I'm not.
I am not happy where I am, BUT my roots are DEEP. If I pull up and move on it will leave a massive hole in the lives of many. I don't think I can ever be happy knowing that my children, my husband and many friends will be left behind believing, praying and standing for my return.

Happiness is always very fleeting for me. Like a cool breeze in July (almost non-existant where we live), it appears from out of nowhere, brings the hope of refreshment and disappears.

I don't know if I'm capable of maintaining happiness. Maybe I'm just a miserable person.
I can be hard as hell to please. I can be demanding and fickle. I like solitude one moment and attention the next.
I require perfection of myself and therefore I expect it of others.
Making me happy is a pretty tall order.

I love and admire my husband because he provides security and because he stayed with me for 34 years while I drug us both through hell.
He has a forever love for me but his acceptance of me is based on my ability to show him only what he wants to see, only what he can handle.

He chose to be believ that I was the perfect Christian mom and wife. To do so he had to close his eyes for years to my addiction, depression and anger. Now he has to close his eyes to my growing dissatisfaction with our marriage, my questioning of our faith and my need to express and be myself.  These things would move me closer to wholeness and happiness but they are also moving me in a direction that is farther and farther away from him.
I am torn. I am rejected. I am alone.

Remember the golf ball. The 176 dimples that are me and the fact that he only wants to know and see 10 -15, not 176!!

I've been in love with another man because he offers fun, adventure and variety in my boring life. BUT most importantly because he accepts me the way I am, flaws and all.
He doesn't require perfection. He doesn't close his eyes. 
I keep sharing dimples and he just keeps loving me. 

In truth I want both men in my life. Instead of just saying that, dealing with the truth that I want to swing a little, hide a lot and not suffer any consequences, I play the martyr.
I want to say that my husband controls me, but it's pretty obvious that he does not.

I'm looking less lady-like and more bitch-like by the minute.
But in all honesty do I really care what others think?

Do I really have the right to be who I want to be and do what I want to do??
I think the answer is yes. As long as I'm willing to accept the consequences of my choices.
I can do and be anything I want. The question is, can I live with the person I choose? If the answer is no then I'm going to have to take responsibility for changing who I am.

I'm not ready to choose today. I'm just ready to admit that I have me, myself and I to look to for my happiness and the same three to blame if the whole thing blows up in my face.

I follow the blog of a 13 and a half year old named Abbie. She said this morning "I kept feeling weird for being myself. Why do people do that, I wonder? We kick ourselves for doing what we love, because someone  else doesn't like it. If nobody cared about others' opinions, the world would be a much happier place to be."

She posted this picture:

So I am. I'm going to try to take responsibility for my choices, for what I want and don't want and for my own happiness.

Somehow I don't think this is going to be as easy as it sounds.
I've been blaming everyone and everything for so long while at the same time despising who I am and blaming myself for deserving what I got.

It's a tangled web of a mess if I ever saw one.
I said this on Monday and it bears repeating, I think I've just made a big circle.
I was doing good and making progress and then I turned around and found myself right back where I started. 

One thing I've learned about going round and around the same mountain;
It may seem that nothing's changed but it has...
Last time I was at this place I wanted to die, hated myself and felt hopeless.
I may be hiking around the same mountain but I've changed my boots.
This time I'm walking in boots that say "I don't want to die, I want to live!", "you is kind. you is smart. you is important." and "I'm no quitter".
I don't feel hopeless, I just feel too old to still be climbing mountains :) 

"True Things" jj heller

"I'm not the clothes I'm wearing
  I'm not a photograph
  I'm not the car I drive

  I'm not the money I make
  I'm not the things I lack
  I'm not the songs that I write

  I am...who I am
  I am who I am

  There are true things inside of me
  I have been afraid to see
  I believe, help my unbelief.
  Would you say again what you said to me
  I am loved and I am free
  I believe, help my unbelief.

  I'm not the house I live in
  I'm not the man I love
  I'm not the mistakes that I carry

  I'm not the food that I don't eat
  I'm not what I'm above
  I'm not my scars and my history

  There are true things inside of me
  I have been afraid to see
  I believe, help my unbelief
  Would you say again what you said to me
  I am loved and I am free
  I believe, help my unbelief.

  To your love I'm waking up
  In your love I'm waking up."

"Control" jj heller

"The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
  It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
  One moment of relief is never long enough
  To keep the voices in my head
  From stealing my peace

  Oh, control
  It's time, time to let you go

  Perfection has a price
  But I cannot afford to live that life
  It always ends the same; a fight I never win

  Oh, control
  It's time, time to let you go

  There were scars before my scars
  Love written on the hand that hung the stars
  Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

  Oh, control
  It's time, time to let you go...
  It's time, time to let you go."

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"Which Do I Love The Best?"

"Beautiful pictures I love to see;
          Beautiful music I love to hear;
  Sunset clouds are a wonder to me;
          Lovely the shadows on hills appear;

  The song of birds that call the dawn;
          The music of waves, the whispering breeze;
  The beds of blossoms upon the lawn;
          The glossy leaves on the sunlit trees;

  All these things I love so well,
          But I love my books, and I love my friend,
  And which is the best I can hardly tell,
          For of things I love there seems no end.

  I love the fireside, the house where I live,
          I love to travel, at will to roam;
  But the loveliest present life can give
          Is to love thyself, for that is home."
                                                 Sarabeth Leslie 1936

(I took some poetic license with the last line.
The author, Sarabeth Leslie wrote "I think is mother, and that means home.")

Monday, October 24, 2011

....and it sounds like love.

It's the Monday after a long, busy, but good week.
I stayed so focused working on the garage sale, cleaning, shopping and cooking for out of town company and a big family get-together that I didn't have time to feel down.
I felt amazing!!!
Wednesday through Sunday were bliss!
The old me was busy and chirpy, bossy and happy, playful and thankful.

But now it's all over and I've swung way to the sad. 
This is what I wrote to a friend this morning:
"A long lonely week ahead.
No kids coming home, no meals to be cooked or rooms to be cleaned.

Just quiet all around me and a coolness from hubby.
I'm sure I did or said something wrong. But I don't know what.

Some days the world feels OK and I'm content to spend my life with a good man.
But some days...
it doesn't, I'm not....
and I cry.

I'll try to stay on the blog as much as possible and I swear I'm trying to stay as far away from the
e-mails as I can. BUT, I'm empty and lonely and sad.
All I want is to sit next to you, pretend the world doesn't exist and we do."

It's not that I don't have things to do. I do.
I kept too much stuff before the garage sale and too much stuff after.
It's all stacked on my carport and in my car. I just look at it.
Last week it held the prospect of fabulous! 

Fabulously primitive, shabby, chic-y, decorating bliss...
today it just looks like junk.

The bathrooms I cleaned, floors I vacuumed, sheets I washed etc, etc....
all need to be redone.

walking around the house I look at the milk spilt on the floor and I see myself sitting in a tiny chair eating cheerios with 2 precious little boys. Both are talking as fast as they can, me smiling ear to ear as I grab every 4th or 5th word!!!

The fingerprints on the doors are "little chunky man" and I sitting on the floor watching the birds in the morning and the "dark, night-night" after the sun has set.

There are books all over the place: my favorite!!
...they are the 3 of us in the fat Nana chair reading Frog and Toad and trying to "Find Waldo".
...they are the lights turned low, eyes closed and singing...

tiny little voices joining mine "spring is coming", "twinkle, twinkle little star, God has placed you where you are...", "you are my sunshine"....

It is quiet in the house, too quiet. But if I look with my heart I can hear the joy and it sounds like love.

But when they left, the love left and took the joy with it.
And I'm left,

in this house, alone.
And my husband comes and goes but there is no joy or laughter.
I think he's unhappy with me again and that knowing hurts in a place so deep I can only reach it with tears.
I didn't do anything wrong. But he didn't approve.
And I feel ashamed of doing something wrong and I don't even know which thing it was. I'm hurting but it sounds like anger. 


Why does my husband cause the same feelings in me as my father???
My husband loves me soooo much but I don't think he likes me.
I think my father loved me at one time, but I know he never liked me.
I think he tried to love me because fathers are supposed to love their little girls, but I never felt that love.

All this questioning and uncertainty makes me want to run again.
I've been running most of my life.

In an effort to outrun the pain of neglect and abuse I got married and I was safe.
But my suitcases were packed with that pain and I brought it with me. 

Now I was still running.
Running from the same old pain that was now coupled with being married to a man who needed me to be something I wasn't.
But I needed to stay married so I could be safe.
And I was still running, trying to find a way to dump the pain and to fill the void, so I had babies. Lots of babies!
And then I lost myself in addiction.

I'm still running.

And my mind gets confused when I read things like this:

Life is short
That is how I found my husband.
Take a risk.
Is that just for single people who are still trying to find "Mr. Right"?
What about us un-single people?
What happens when you are taken but unhappy and then...
... when I wished upon a star.

What do I do with these??

or this?


I saw an adventure in you
am I willing to walk away from this???

I just want to quit running.
I just want to sail away.
I just want the dream and not the reality.

"Into The Mystic" 
glen hansard/marketa irglova

"We were born before the wind,
  And we're so much younger than the sun.
  And every bonnie boat was won,
  As we sailed into the mystic.
  Hark now hear the sailors cry,
  Feel the sea and touch the sky,
  And let your soul and spirit fly
  As we sail into the mystic.

  And when that fog horn blows,
  You know I will be comin' home.
  And when that fog horn whistle blows,
  I wanna hear it, I don't have to fear it
  And I wanna rock your gypsy soul
  We're just like way back in the days of old,
  And together we'll fall as we sail into the mystic."

It seems my journeying forward has u-turned, again.
But in truth not a day passes that I don't wonder. Which way to go??
I live by the water. All my love is at the water.
Every time I leave my little city I pass a boat ramp and count the trucks w/trailers. Each one represents someone who has sailed away.
I don't want to back my truck into the water and launch my boat. I want to walk to the edge of the bayou and step off the shore and onto his bough.

Sail away.
Learn to Sail

"Boat Song" 
jj heller

"If you were a boat my darling
  A boat my darling
  I'd be the wind at your back.

  If you were afraid my darling
  Afraid my darling
  I'd be the courage you lack.

  If you were a bird
  Then I'd be a tree
  And you would come home
  My darling to me.

  If you were asleep
  Then I'd be a dream
  Wherever you are
  That's where my heart will be.

  Oh do you know we belong together?
  Oh do you know my heart is yours?

  If you were the ocean
  Then I'd be the sand.
  If you were a song
  I'd be the band.

  If you were stars
  Then I'd be the moon,
  A light in the dark my darling for you.

  Oh do you know we belong together?
  Oh do you know my heart is yours?"

Days like today frighten me. But not like they frightened me months ago.
I don't want to die. I still want to live.

So I'm not frightened of death, but I'm scared to death to see the truth so plainly and have no clue which way I'm to go next.
I'm going to just keep walking. Just keep going. Just keep trusting that every step is a crucial part of my journey. That nothing will be in vain.
That "all things will work together for my good." (and that's a biggie!)

I'm going to
sail on

"Hidden Away" 
josh groban

"Over mountains and sky blue seas
  On great circles will you watch for me?
  The sweetest feeling I've got inside
  I just can't wait to get lost in your eyes.
  And all these words that you meant to say
  Held in silence day after day.
  Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,
  Please don't keep them hidden away.

  Sing it out so I can finally breathe in,
  I can take in all the same.
  Holding out for something I believe in
  All I really need today
  I want to free your heart
  I want to see your heart
  Please don't keep your heart hidden away.

  You're a wonder, how bright you shine
  A flickering candle in a short lifetime.
  A secret dreamer that never shows.
  If no one sees you then nobody knows.
  And all these words that were meant to say
  Held in silence day after day.
  Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
  Please don't keep them hidden away.

  Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
  I can take in all the same.
  Reaching out for someone I believe in
  All I really need today.
  I want to feel your love,
  Will you reveal your love?
  Please don't keep your love hidden away."

While this is not a sail boat, I want to 'sail' away and relax the day
Sailing boldly where I've never gone before, elle


Friday, October 21, 2011

Bountiful, beautiful bliss....

Love the pumpkin with fall flowers! @Sara Gerlich this is for you!

It is another beautiful fall day here on the gulf coast!
The sun is bursting it's way into my window and hundreds of birds are happily singing and dancing in the cool dew!

Wednesday was AWESOME!!!
The first normal (non-vacation or weekend) day in weeks.
On my own accord I dressed and spent the day with my daughter, son -in -law and grands unloading and pricing my storage bin in preparation for a garage sale.

On Monday, as I listed my marathon week and weekend I was so overwhelmed!
I stayed in bed Monday and Tuesday with a horrible headache knowing that I was getting farther and farther behind.

But Wednesday dawned and the weather was begging me to come out and play.
I'm so thankful that I did!!
Now the momentum is still there and I'm not going to do anything to jinx it.
I'm not going to over-think it or over-plan it. I'm going to enjoy it!!!

I'm a bit overwhelmed that I have over a hundred e-mails concerning "Pinterest". I think it's time to change my settings. I really want to visit with every person but some of the emails have the names of 8-9 people.
I've decided to respond to the ones who comment and just let the rest of them go.

Letting things go is very difficult with my melancholic personality.
As we unloaded the bin I was surrounded by the left-overs of my antique business.

When I closed I had to hire a company to come in and do 2 huge liquidation/estate sales.
I literally had to hand over my keys and walk away.
After years of addictive spending and hoarding I allowed myself 3 months to go through hundreds of thousands of items in 5 storage units. Boxes floor to ceiling in my office and trailer loads of primitives and the fabulous antique furniture and glassware that had been touched by Ikes storm surge from my house. I touched every item. For every 50 things I parted with 1 or 2 would make me smile, warm my heart and join me in my new life.

To this day I judge everything that comes into the new(rebuilt) house, by smell!
If it has the slightest smell of "the storm" it is not allowed. That smell of dead fish, mold and salt water is seared in my memory and triggers the tears, the heaviness, the thoughts of all that is dead and gone.
These things I don't need. I don't want. I can live without.

The time has come to replace the dead with joy.
I choose with care.

As we unloaded the bin out came wooden boxes and crates, primitive tables and chairs, signs, baskets, dough boxes and cupboards.
I got so excited!!

"I don't know if any of this is going in the garage sale" I announced.
I started culling and loading.
I opened the front door to my van and the smell hit me.
"We need to unload this now" I told my son in law.
We did.
I chose about 20 pieces to keep and then we loaded the truck and lowboy trailer with the rest.

As I've been pricing these past 2 days I've found some special books, post cards and other "loves" that pass the smell test and are welcome to come back home.

But I am "letting go" of the rest.
This is good.
This is healing.
Letting go of the things that hurt is good.
Embracing a new life-style of "less is more" and only allowing what makes me smile is better!

It's another beautiful day.
Day 3 of feeling fabulous!!
I'm going to fluff the guest bedroom, vacuum the house and get back to pricing.
I probably have 25 boxes left and will only get to 8-10, but I'm not stressed. What's left can go back in the bin with the other 40-50 boxes for next time.

I love that phrase "next time". It is sounds so sweet like "tomorrow" and "next year".
These things say "I'm going to be here next year" and even better they say, "I'm planning..."
:) :) I haven't planned anything in a very long time.

"I love the music leaves make overhead;
 For mood of sleep the swaying willows swish;
The dancing maples answer to my wish;
Poplars sing rain;
Cry winter, oak leaves dead."
Sarabeth Leslie 1936

Have a lovely day and a blessed weekend, elle

"Lady" little river band

"So lady, let me take a look at you now
  You're there on the dance floor,
  Making me want you somehow
  Oh lady, I think it's only fair I should say
  Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you,
  'Cause maybe I do."