I'm on a 4 day road trip with my sister. I love these trips. I can have a beer or 2 or even 6 if I choose. Ahhhh, the thrill of freedom!! During the day we go junkin' all day 'til our feet ache. Then we chill at the motel, feet propped up, each doin' our own little thing. She reads, I listen to "new to me" music and blog with you.
It's after 9:30 and this girl is "worn out!" I'm gonna call it a night but first some music that brings back memories of "Summer Lovin";
"Yeah looking at you, girl, standing there Got your wayfarers on and the sun in your hair And just like the song in a seashell, you'll be stuck in my mind Bouncing around in my head And baby I can tell
As long I live, whatever I do As great as it is, you know what's a bummer I ain't ever gonna beat this summer with you Baby it's true The taste of your kiss is so bittersweet I ain't gonna beat, no way I'm gonna beat this summer with you." "Postcard From Paris" the band perry http://youtu.be/H_WjCfxB4Qc
"......but one look at you and I was through My heart switched up on me.
Like a postcard from Paris when I've seen the real thing. It's like finding out your diamond is from her old promise ring. A call back from your fortune teller, she read your cards upside down. The meanest thing you ever did is come around And now, I'm ruined.
In the evening you can catch me daydreaming. Did that moment send you reeling just like me? I should have gone over, right over. I should have never let you leave. But it's the never-knowing that keeps this going and drives me crazy....
....Just when I thought things were alright, My eyes play tricks on my mind, yeah. Will I ever be satisfied cause all I ever seem to find is a...
Postcard from Paris, when I need the real thing. It's like finding out your diamond is from an old promise ring. A call back from your fortune teller she read your cards upside down. The meanest thing you ever did, the cruelest thing you ever did, The meanest thing you ever did is come around.
I am ruined, yeah I'm ruined.Now I am ruined, yeah I'm ruined" Does anyone else remember a summer love that ruined you for life???? A first love that plays tricks on your mind? I do. "It's the never-knowing that keeps this going and drives me crazy". "The taste of your kiss is so bittersweet." "Just like the song in a seashell" you're stuck in mind.
My life is a country lyric that begs to be played backwards. A do-over. A do it over right song...that's what I need.
I was up most of the night contemplating life.... again.
A lousy sexual encounter left me questioning.....again.
As the hours drifted on I wrote the most beautiful wedding vows and even composed the perfect song. This wasn't asleep, this was me daydreaming in the middle of the night doing what I do best....fantasising. Leaving the questioning and the contemplating behind and dreaming "eyes wide open".
Some things can be so simple yet so complicated at the same time.
Life, love, sex....
Everything starts out so easy. As a child life is a breeze, as a teenager love is around every corner
and sex??? well it doesn't get much easier than passion and fire ;)
How is it that we wake up one day to find it's all very complicated? Life is work, love is a choice and sex is very different when the fire goes out.
Perhaps it's all perspective? or "the mood of the day"?...
Reading my own blog yesterday, I was searching for a post on Spring (how could spring come and go, over these 3 years of blogging, and there be NO post from this lover of all things "springy"?).
Instead I found unknown treasure. Hidden within the countless posts bemoaning my miserable state of matrimony were a few well hidden but beautiful reminders of why I've chosen this man over and over again. They were posts about happiness and "falling back in love with my husband". Posts about the comfort, safety and peace I feel with him.
But today I can't find them. Seriously, I reread the same 6 posts and found NONE of the good.
How is it that I so easily forget the good and overshadow it with the hopeless???
How the hell can I read the same words I read yesterday and only this catch my eye today; "10/13/11 "Torment" That is my life. The hope that spring will come soon
and I will thaw and bloom like I did before the world went dark."
But "never fear" I can always find a jewel when it comes to music.
Today I found it in my weekly favorite, "My Movie Song of the Week" from "Super Marcey's Super Website".
How did she know I have an intimate connection to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova??? :)
I journeyed on unhindered, through the fog of their love and life collaboration, as I watched them share their "love story" in this video; http://youtu.be/hQey9Qt_RVA
I was promised tears and the need of "a box of Kleenex" as I watched the JT video about his grandparents love, life and loss. But I didn't cry. I'm sure their love was deep and moving but personally I wasn't moved.
But my heart broke when Marketa said "for some reason it just wasn't meant to be"'. I felt a deep sense of loss watching the face of this man who obviously still loved the beautiful young woman sitting next to him.
If life were only like it "should" be then it would all end like a dream. "Soul mates" would always sail away together into the mystic and sex would always be passion.
I'm not wild about people explaining "why" they haven't blogged....
like they've been "too busy".... yada, yada, yada....
I've never heard anyone say "I was tired of blogging about my negative attitude, I've been really depressed and accomplished zero, nothing in my life has changed"... yada, yada, yada.
But that's me.
My mind is just aflutter with thoughts lately.
I truly have no one to talk too and talking to myself???? borrrring! :)
This morning I woke up cranky. My hubby brought me coffee in bed... just like everyday...
I felt so lousy, so guilty, so unfair....
how would I feel, if I was deeply in love and dedicated to him, and he treated me with the same disdain I show him. My "you're not wanted" attitude is sad, BUT how do you pretend you want someone when you DON'T?
I live in a constant state of confusion. ????? a question mark is tattooed on my heart.
This is the same quandary I've faced for years. It's grown from a little bug in my ear to a pounding, ever present crescendo....
Can I live this life?
What are my choices???
I HAVE no choices.
I CANNOT leave this marriage.
Only death can separate us... but I don't want to die and he deserves to live and live happy.
My husband is the one in this relationship who has given, sacrificed and dedicated himself.
I'm the one who took.
I'm the one with the most emotional baggage. The one in addiction for 30 + years.
I've always seen myself as the "bad" one and him as the "good" one.
It only makes sense that the "bad" one should die and the "good" one live.
This is my life....
a strange version of the "walking dead"...
a perfect example of "quiet desperation".
I don't know how to go back to the subservient, mildly content, safe, compliant woman from 3 years ago. I don't know how to move ahead.
I will do my best to write more. Not because you want to hear more of my whining crap :) but because I do think good things, worthy things, interesting things...
just not as often as I'd like.
AND there is so much music I've wasted. So many fabulous songs I long to share....
Hi guys! Long time no talk :(
I've been holidaying. Way too busy and glad it's finally fading.
Normal will begin again on Monday and I'm doing all I can to cram as much "non normal" into my few remaining hours. This a cherished time of year for me. A precious few weekends of "me" time.
BUT this weekend marks the end of deer season. Time is quickly ticking away and I am trying desperately not to think about this "new" year as a continuation of many, many "old" and unchangeable ones. I thoroughly enjoyed a forbidden glass of wine with my dinner and this afternoon I treated myself to some movie heaven as I watched Les Miserables. This was my first time to see it and I am forever "smitten". A love affair has begun between "me" and the characters, their plight, anguish, fears and joys. A shared struggle between "law and grace" joins my soul with theirs. It's a story as old as time. One that repeats itself generation after generation. Each of us playing a part in the grand opera of life. Equality, fairness, justice and ease are guaranteed to none. The great question "why?" continues it's haunt.
I drink in movies like I do music. Some just roll off my back but the ones that touch me, touch me forever. Les Mis reached a place of ache in my soul that rivals that of Jean Valjean, a despair understood by few but shared beautifully by Anne Hathaway as Fantine.
It's after 3 in the morning and I'm sitting in the middle of my bed needing a shower and sleep. I've fought a battle these past 2 days and though I've done all to include another in my "me" time, I have once again failed. Slowly and with mounting despair I lost my battle against the deep dread of lonliness. I can "dream a dream" but there is no escape from reality. Not only is my bed empty but so is my email. My text's go unanswered and I have once again begun to doubt what seemed so certain.
I sit with ear phones on, listening to YouTube performances of some of my favorite music hoping to find something that will make me smile. Everything from Memories with Susan Boyle, I Dreamed A Dream with Anne Hathaway, Shine with Collective Soul and Somewhere with Barbra Streisand (of course). Reaching out to Gnarls Barkley, James Taylor, Simon & Garfunkle & Norah Jones. My ever favorite Alison Krauss, The Rolling Stones, Santana, Robert Plant and Keane... These are "life songs". Songs that have worked their way into the fabric of who I am and more importantly songs that touch the sore spots and threaten to wound rather than heal.
A wiser one than I would turn off the music, but I am the definition of "insanity". I will continue to do the same things, always believing for a different outcome.
Monday will be here soon enough. Hubby will be home, the holidays gone and I will settle into 'normal' one dirty toilet, load of laundry and grocery list at a time.
But for tonight "I Dream A Dream" and cherish my "Memories". Ever ElleE