"How's The World Treating You" Alison Kruass and James Taylor
Concerning the Music In My Heart, the music that plays over and over and over. The music that comes from a place in the past I just can't seem to get back to. Concerning this music, a friend recently said to me, "To me, music works for me or against me depending on the song or my mood. Be careful as to not wake sleeping demons with the wrong songs."
My response "It's too late to avoid the sleeping demons. I'm trying to cram that genie back in the bottle but he fills my space. There is definitely a battle of life and death proportions raging and it seems I ran off the track over a year ago. Oh well, "it is what it is", and it sucketh big time!"
Many of my days are spent in a melancholic haze of tears. I have nothing to do, no where to go and little to look forward too. (be careful when you retire, it can be a bitch!)
Some days I wake with vigor and attack the day with joy. I dress up, give myself an approving nod in the mirror and head out to WOW the world. :)
But most are like today. I spend hours looking at this screen, lonely. I listen to music that reminds me of lost love, lost youth, the passing of time and the impossibility of change. I dance alone with a glass of wine and I cry.
I look back on my life and see good. Many accomplishments, many people, much joy. I look forward and see nothing. My therapist keeps asking me "what do you want to do with your life?" and I have no answer.
I'd like to hook up that "Airstream" from yesterday and just drive away.
I often find refuge at a local park that sits on a busy waterway. There is always a lovely breeze, birds and boats to watch. Some days I read. Often I plug in my IPod, lay on a blanket and nap. I've gone in my swimsuit and sunbathed in the bed of my truck. I've watched the clouds and sang with the birds.
Sharing with a friend lately I said, "No rain here either. But the park was fabulous yesterday. A strong, cool wind, a light rain and an amazing lightning show with backgrounds in thunder. The birds and I laid under the tree on a blanket and drank it all in. Amazingly I didn't melt in the rain (even as sweet as I am) and the lightning avoided my tree (damn! I was looking for an easy way out! :)
I try to keep my correspondence light and friendly, but inside my heart is broken. In truth I fell in love with a dream and now I'm stuck in a reality that just can't measure up.
A couple of more songs for the road and I'll call it a day;
"Never Knew Lonely" Vince Gill
"Lay Down Beside Me" Alison Krauss & John Waite
Thank you! Right now "You Light Up My Life, you give me strength to carry on. You light up my days and fill my nights with songs. It can't be wrong when it feels so right. (yeah right!). You, light up my life" and I love you for it. L.E.