"A Gift To Be Treasured"

My beautiful today started with a lovely yesterday.


 "Time with a friend, a walk through wet grass, feet in the water, on a wet rock, wet ass." 


Obviously not an award winning poem. But once I started it, it just begged to be finished and I couldn't find another great rhyme for "wet grass". This is a happy day. They are rare so I will indulge what makes me smile!


"It's funny how from the simple things the best things begin". (I'll reference this lyric later. It's gonna take some diggin') 

I woke with a smile. I caught it from a friend yesterday who has a very contagious one. I plan to carry it all day!
I woke with joy to accompany my smile. I love and miss joy. For me "joy" is the absence of heaviness. I feel light today. I feel energized. I plan to take full advantage of this absence of burden and fly through my list of "to do's".

I do have a long list and some are weeks old. So I won't dally. But before I move on I'll share 2 "lovely day" songs.


"You've Got a Friend" James Taylor
http://youtu.be/0iM38PyxzG8


"Annie's Song" John Denver
http://youtu.be/nkyS7yv8HnE

"Beautiful days are rare gifts to be treasured." 

Have a lovely one, elle

My "Perfect Storm"

I feel a lot of pressure concerning today's post. 
I promised to use it as a continuation and a retraction for much of yesterdays post. I'm not really sure where to begin but here goes;


A lifetime of loss, emotional turmoil, mental abuse and grief brought me to the point I call "My Perfect Storm". A time of breaking a year and a half ago. The things that happened during that time were NOT the storm but more like "the straw that broke the camels back."

I got the phrase "The Perfect Storm" from the movie by the same name. In the movie a  fishing boat sails unknowingly but directly into the path of 2 hurricanes destined for collison.
There is a scene in the movie where the boat is using all the engine power it has, and more, to escape a massive vortex. It seemingly gains distance from the horrible pull of this swirling hole of death. The viewer breathes a huge sigh of relief in unison with the boats crew. They have a long night and a hard fight ahead of them but they are going to make it. 


Out of the darkness, unseen and unprepared for, they are hit mercilessly by a tsunami wave. There is no hope of escape. The boat and crew are pulled to their death to the bottom of the ocean from which they will never arise. No warning. Without defense. They are destroyed.     So was I.


Time, space and emotional energy prevent me from sharing all that led up to this perfect storm. I hope you will trust me when I say things were bad and had been for a long time. I was reeling from the complete loss of our home. My emotional state had been on dangerous ground for many years. My marriage was in danger. My business in shambles and my father had "disowned" me, again. 
We will save some of the really tough stuff like physical and sexual abuse, 31 years of addiction, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da.... for another day. 
Things were bad and then they got much, much worse. 


I wanted to die. I deserved to die. I despised my life and my very existence.


I have been laying dead on the bottom of that ocean under the weight of life for the past year and a half. Only one person was able to reach me during this unbearable time. He was able to lift me up, to make me laugh and want to live again. This person brought the music back into my life and I fell in love. 
It was forbidden and unthinkable. I was all but destroyed by the guilt and I made more awful mistakes than this page could hold. I received lousy advice from a marriage counselor who verbally attacked and threatened me. My husband was blindsided. 


All of this and I never even had an affair. The best description I have is to call it "an affair of the heart." 
BUT I was called "an adulterer" and treated as such. I was told to end it, to walk away and never look back.

I tried so hard. But I couldn't. Like so many other times in my life, I failed. 
I had been so broken. SO desperate. When my Father GOD came along and picked me up I knew I was safe. Now I could rest and be healed. He carried me to a train track and placed me gently on the rails. I sat quietly and without fear. As I had for years and years I placed my complete trust in His goodness and love.

He walked away.
Around the bend a locomotive plowed with a vengeance from behind me. No warning whistle. No protective barriers.  Before I could blink it was upon me shattering my bones, grinding and shredding all signs of life.
This was my "perfect storm". My God betrayed me.
I would never trust Him again.

It was at this point that I turned my back on God. I wouldn't serve a God who would allow all this to come into my life, knowing full well that I was not strong enough to take any more. A God who allowed a "perfect storm" to come out of the darkness, unseen, unprepared for. A "perfect storm" designed to totally destroy me.   And it did.


Since that day I have believed that if I could just die then everything would be so much better for my family. They would grieve but in time they would move on and life would be better for them without me. I knew it. I believed it.  


I was angry at myself for being too much of a coward to make it happen, so I prayed for cancer or some deadly disease.
There was little fight left in me and I could just surrender and be gone.



But somewhere deep inside I didn't want to die.
So my focus changed. I would to find a way to leave. I would start a new life. I would free myself and my family.
It's been over a year so you can imagine that I have had plenty of time to concoct many possible scenarios. 


During this time I was confronted with the truth that the man I thought I was in love with was not my ticket out. He was not going to "take me away" to "live happily ever after".
It may sound stupid to you but I believed he would.


We will fast forward a bit for the sake of space and time to yesterdays post. In it I spoke about the desire to leave. I saw no other way. 


Today:
I had a wonderful session with a very gifted therapist. He and I have been working together for several months. I have not made much progress but he assures me that it is "not too late for me", and I have no choice but to believe him.
I read him yesterdays post and these are the things we agreed on:
*I will make no major life decisions, like staying or leaving. 
*My body and my soul are strong. He called me a survivor.
If I weren't he admitted that I would not have made it this far.
*My mind is confused. (that was a nice way to say it!)


We set some major goals:
*Find a way to accept, to like and one day to embrace myself
*Replace my negative self talk with positive affirmations
*Make peace with my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), my PTSD     (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) 
I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to make peace with them but then I don't know how to do any of the rest either ;)
*Find a new psychiatrist and work on my medication 
*Come to a point where I can be who I am, be OK with who I am, accept and like who I am. 


Then I will be ready to decide who to share my life with or to withdraw myself from.


These are all biggies. He admits that I have a looooong way to go and wishes he had been able to work with me years ago. 


I have no idea how to turn this huge ship of negativity around, to go against the tide, to dump all this shit and then to turn back around and sail the other way.
God bless those who have decided to take this voyage with me.  


I'm exhausted and I'm sure you are too. We will "journey on" tomorrow. Elle 


"Get Me Through December" Alison Krauss
http://youtu.be/qcWN6gmDKT0

A Long Swim on a Hot Day

It is Wednesday and the following is what I wrote yesterday.
Between then and now I had a very insightful session with a very gifted therapist. Much of what I wrote needs serious work and I am amending some of my thoughts and most importantly some of my decisions.
I struggled whether to just delete the following and continue anew. But this blog is about my journey. It is about my failures, mistakes and hopefully my victories as well. So I have decided to leave it as is.

I hope you will follow up by reading today's post. Yesterday I could only see one way to go on and that was to go it alone. Today I see that to stay or to go will not change the root problem, which is me, my past experiences and the self loathing I live in. 
My husband, my children, my friends are just that. They are husband, children, friends. They do not control me unless I give them that control. They love me unconditionally and that is the one gift I have never offered myself. 
To leave them prematurely could lead to much more pain in my future. They are willing to walk with me, to wait on me and to pray for me. I need them and am grateful to have them. 
Please read the following with the understanding that it was written in a state of hopelessness. It's the state I've lived in all my life. 
But I'm moving soon. L.E.






This week has been more difficult than most, and that's pretty bad. 
I showed up to church late Sunday (on purpose-to avoid the music). 
Sitting next to my husband was my daughter and next to her was one of my best friends, then a daughter-in-law and another daughter. No seat for me. Everyone moved down one seat, but the visual picture was harsh.  

My husband looked lost and lonely. His wife is gone. 
He has done everything he knows to do and given all. But he can't find a way to get me back.  


My choice to walk away from my faith has been an awful blow to our family. It is who we are. It defines us. We based our decisions, large and small, on our very strong belief system. We are prayer warriors, we are musicians, we are leaders.
For "mom" to no longer participate has left a big hole.


I've always been somewhat of a square peg in a round hole. But I've never been more out of place than now.
I can't return as the "mom", the "wife" they all knew and expect. That woman died. She is gone. Even if I wanted her back, (which I don't) things would never be the same.  
I cannot go back, I cannot be what I am not.
I am still trying desperately to stay in a marriage out of duty, to be a mom and grandmother when everything in me says "GO!!!"
I don't know if I could live with the question, "what kind of woman leaves a loving, dedicated man and a wonderful family, and just walks away?" 
But I no longer belong here. To stay is to surrender all I have left (and that is precious little). It is to give up any chance of ever being "me", whoever the hell that is.


I'm getting tired of the "I have to die before anything can change". 
I've already died a million deaths.
I just want to live another life as if this one never existed. 
Some things just aren't possible.
It is not possible for me to stay. It is not possible for me to go.


Needless to say, the appointment I had with my therapist this morning was desperately needed. I arrived, already in tears, to discover my appointment is tomorrow. Not good.
 I went to the water, my place to escape and to think. "Just swim to the middle and wait to be pulled under by a barge", I told myself. But I don't want to die. I just don't know how to live.

Damn girl! At least take off your jeans and go for a well deserved swim. But I didn't. I pulled myself together and went back home tired, beaten, confused and uncertain.


Sorry, no music today.
I have nothing to give.
I have no place to go but home. There will be no relief today. No long swim on this hot day.


" I LOVE YOU" Sarah McLachlan
http://youtu.be/YZnSS1UOzpI

"Welcome to Sunday Morning"

CBS' "Sunday Morning" is one my favorite TV shows. As far as I know I only share this love with one other person, my daddy (who is actually my step-father). He & I both love this show. 
A favorite memory is Sunday mornings at the beach. Me in my gown & robe, daddy in his white t-shirt and shorts. Both with coffee. Both with our chairs nearly on top of the tiny TV trying to hear "our show" (it is unbelievably loud in a 2 room cabin filled with 12-20 people-most kids). Then we'd talk about the segments. A little debate mixed with a lot of sharing.
These were one of the few times that daddy and I ever spent alone, talking. 


 When hurricane Ike took 90% of the cabins on the peninsula, ours was included. With it went 35 years of my life, the best of my memories and the only place of escape I'd ever known. 


 My Sunday mornings don't include my favorite show when I am not at the beach. As it is ending our church is beginning and my phone is on vibrate. While it is running I am too. Trying to get dressed and out the door. Later in the day I would find a message on my phone from daddy, "just watched our show and wanted you to know I was thinking about you." 
I knew he was trying to reach out to me. Everyone who loves me is trying to find a way to reach the "before" me. They are confused, worried about and trying not to lose the "after" me which no one can reach, no one understands, including me.
 I seldom return calls and after a few months they quit coming. Another part of my life has been lost in the "after". It has consumed nearly all I was. It is as vicious as a hurricane in it's determination to crush the rest.


It is Sunday morning, the only day of the week I avoid the music. It hurts too badly. It is a sad day. The emptiness without the music leaves me feeling hollow. I long for Monday and the return of the melody, the harmony, the crescendo that makes my life livable. Elle

"MUSIC TAKES US OUT OF THE ACTUAL AND WHISPERS TO US DIM SECRETS THAT STARTLE OUR WONDER AS TO WHO WE ARE" (Henry David Thoreau)




"Don't Stop Believing" Journey
http://youtu.be/rfUYuIVbFg0

"A friend" sings to me

"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails." (anon.)




I had a "me" day yesterday. 9 hours of driving, shopping, eating, shopping, dreaming and music, music, music. 
I somehow thought, in all that "alone" time, I would emerge fulfilled, recharged and with clarity. 



But I must have made a wrong turn because I never found what I was looking for.
I drove for hours and listened to all my favorites. I saw waterways, skyscrapers, beautiful shops, long stretches of green grass and hills with white picket fences(really!). 


I was looking for answers. I'm always looking. But once again my day ended in melancholic songs of loss. Hot wet tears of hurt and anger shed over things I cannot change. Like two people who's lives are lived in concrete that cannot be rearranged. 
Tears of loneliness in a haze of confusion, of counting the cost, of "knowing" and of "longing". I arrived home, my car filled with purchased stuff.
But my day ended the same as everyday. No answers, no way to get from here to him.
 
"BLACK BIRD" (the beatles)
http://youtu.be/lcs4JG3GcsU


"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails"(anon)

"You smell like moonlight and early morning rain"

"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW"!!!

"TEENAGE DREAM"
http://youtu.be/PAV8Rq-ewkE


"You think I'm pretty without any makeup on
 You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong
 I know you get me, so I'll let my walls come down"


"Before you met me I was a wreck
 But things were kinda heavy.
 You brought me to life,
 You make me feel like a teenage dream.
 The way you turn me on I can't sleep.
 Let's runaway
 And don't ever look back, Don't ever look back"


"My heart stops when you look at me,
 Just one touch now baby I believe
 This is real so take a chance,
 And don't ever look back
 And don't ever look back."




If they only knew!!
I thought this song and the flash mob were great.  Don't you wish you could just open the head of these kids and say "don't waste this time", "don't miss this opportunity, you can NEVER get it back"!!
It's true. Even though people say things like "It's never too late to be who you might have been", in truth there does come a time when it's "just too late" to start over.
"If we could have just known then what we know now, then our decisions then could have erased our now." 
A lot of people I talk to say they wouldn't trade all they've learned and experienced for anything. 
That is sooo awesome.
In truth, if I could start over, there is very little in my life today that I would choose again.
At 17 I should have been graduating and looking forward to college. I should have experienced living on my own, making my own way and my own money. I should have danced, and partied and studied hard with no sleep. 
Instead I had no sleep because of the baby in my belly and then on my hip. The years of the "Teenage Dream" passed me by. No graduation, no college, no parties or friends.
If I could do it over, would I? 
Like hell I would! I wouldn't hesitate for a moment. 
I can't do it over so I'm trying to do it old!!! 


"Do Re Mi" (flash mob in Antwerp Train Station- Belgium)
http://youtu.be/bQLCZOG202k


This one was really fun. The combination of young, old and in-between is great! There are also some great crowd shots. 




and just for fun...
"A Real Job- nudist camp activity coordinator"
http://youtu.be/8GutO5uF5cg


I'm submitting my application tomorrow!!!

"Somewhere Only We Know"

"I walked across an empty land
 I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
 I felt the earth beneath my feet
 Sat by the river and it made me complete


 Oh simple thing where have you gone
 I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
 So tell me when you're gonna let me in
 I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"

"I came across a fallen tree
 I felt the branches of it looking at me
 Is this the place we used to love?
 Is this the place I've been dreaming of?


 Oh simple thing where have you gone
 I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
 So tell me when you're gonna let me in
 I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"

  
"And if you have a minute why don't we go
 Talk about it somewhere only we know?
 This could be the end of everything
 So why don't we go
 Somewhere only we know?"


"Somewhere Only We Know" Keane
http://youtu.be/PzeuMFoZf5w

Love this video. 
"It started in the wild. Untamed. Open and free. Then the walls came. The barriers. The boundaries. With them came the darkness and the end of everything beautiful. Tear down those walls and walk again in the freedom of life." Elle

Let's Just Smile Awhile!!!

It's "one of those days", again!!! Don't know what to do but laugh. Thought I'd share a song or two that always bring a smile: 

"Surfin Bird"  The Trashmen

http://youtu.be/ZThquH5t0ow

"So, what did the dyslexic, agnostic think about when he had insomnia????"

"Is there a dog?"........HAAAAA-Ha

"Right Field" Peter, Paul & Mary

http://youtu.be/HXVnb0wveRg

I was the kid with her hands crossed over her face praying, "just don't let the ball come to me, PLEASE!!!"

"Stewball" Peter, Paul & Mary

http://youtu.be/hXdQB-mR4tg

Don't even ask. I have no idea. I only know when this song comes on in the middle of all my other IPod songs, I smile! 

Guess the good things of childhood still sparkle!

Share your favorite smiling song or joke. Please!!!

I need a good laugh and a cold beer! Elle

Magical Moments vs Borrowed Music

                                                                                                                                                        
Let's begin with a truth: Some things just don't make sense. (translated: I like things to go my way)
Yesterday I cried all day, refused to get up, get dressed and get out.
 Because of that decision I missed an afternoon filled with the possibility of magical moments.
These are moments I wait for with unbridled anticipation. They are rare gifts that I cannot control or conjure, cannot dream or demand.   
 I was so close to the thing I dream and wait for. But my unwillingness to push through the darkness cost me dawn. 

I traded my magical moments for borrowed music.


"Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them" Oliver Wendell Holmes


Let's go back and see what I was doing while what "could have been" was fading "into the mystic" without me.


"Borrowing music" has seriously broadened my horizons. 
I find the best music for borrowing is from the Face Book pages of people under 30. 
I learned the hard way that when a post says something that I can't really figure out, don't comment! First, Google it!!! It's often lyrics, and you will look like a really old person if you try to apply some great "life lesson" out of your vast coffer of experience!!
So I just glean, don't comment and move along. 
Not only do these "kids" have their own language, that I totally don't get, but concerning music they are into and aware of a completely different genre than I. This all fits perfectly with my "mid-life" crisis since I find that I desperately NEED to hold onto my youth.

First song for today: 
"Unwell" (or I'm Not Crazy") by Matchbox 20, 2006
http://youtu.be/HDCUnLM6UUc 


Absolutely love this song!! Hello world, I'm not the only one! 
 "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. 
   I know right now you can't tell
   But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
  A different side of me"


I really need a T-shirt with this printed on it. I would wear it nearly everyday. I would wear it to church! I would plaster it all over my public Face Book page. 


People look at me or read my "public" posts and get really confused. I can understand that.
Looking at me you would see a well put together, attractive, middle aged woman. A woman with the perfect life. A wonderful husband, great kids and an army of grandkids. I am well spoken, a talented decorator, ran a successful business for years and live in a beautiful home. I am pampered, primped & primed for life.


Get to know me. You will find out that I had a 30 year addiction. I currently suffer from severe chronic depression. I seldom leave my house. I had a semi-"affair" of the heart. On my list of "What Do You Want to Do With Your Life?", it took me 3 full weeks to write "I don't want to die". I'm still working on "I Want To Live", BUT I have added, that if I could start over, I would want to do something that included music, hence this blog. I would make a great college professor, but first I have to GO to college. I personally think the "college of my really rough and strange life" should be enough, but I don't think it would get me very far on a job application.


I grabbed my journal and here is the actual list "What I Want To Do With My Life";
*I don't want to die 
*Live without fear
*Laugh 
*Write- blog? about music/life? 
    (I always wanted to teach because I like to talk and give my opinion)
 *Music in my life (choir, play the piano...) 
*Have fun- (mom prom?.... )  
*Dance- line dancing, tap, ballet & interpretive dancing  


This list took me months to compose. I have lived an entire life in fear, much of it wishing I weren't alive and little of it having fun or laughing. My life can be broken into sections:
 *birth through early teens- fear, neglect, abuse 
 *teens- looking for love in all the wrong places, (usually between someones legs) in a  desperate attempt to be loved and protected  
 *late teens through April, 2010- hiding in a world where I was safe but one  
 where who I really was was hidden, even from myself, out of fear 
 *April, 2010- today-????? I'm confused and I'm clueless as to how to sort it all out. 
 * Today until... I just want to live free of fear, have fun, laugh, dance & love for all the right   reasons. I want to do these things without guilt or regret. 


I know I have made a difference in many peoples lives. I have touched and loved, given and shared. If that is the measure of life then mine is one of success. But when the truth is known, when the fear and the pain are revealed, it was not worth it if I die having been true to everyone but me. It is from this point that I struggle forward. I want to be made whole. I want to give out of the abundance of life not out of the fear of loss. Does that make any sense? In truth, a healthy me wouldn't need your stamp of approval.
At this point in my life I feel selfish and "bad". My therapist is the only one who encourages the selfishness and challenges the "bad" constantly. Supposedly, according to him, until I learn to love who I am and to consider myself as having the same value and worth as you, then I am to continue to look through the eyes of "self". He promises that once I've mastered that then I will be ready to look through the eyes of "health". 


This is part of my journey.  To quit "borrowing" and living in someone else's life and instead "create" and live my own magical moments. To be aware that both hold imperfections and both hold beauty.


Enough heavy talk. Let's play some music!!!
Here is another song I borrowed today


"Lost In You" by Three Days Gone


http://youtu.be/4zRSSfw97XY

It's been great. It's been real. Give me some feedback and "comment" away. Share my link with a friend. "ellesmusic.blogspot.com"
Later..... L.E.

"SOME DAYS I CRY"

"How's The World Treating You" Alison Kruass and James Taylor
http://youtu.be/hyDF-d-3oSs

Concerning the Music In My Heart, the music that plays over and over and over. The music that comes from a place in the past I just can't seem to get back to. Concerning this music, a friend recently said to me, "To me, music works for me or against me depending on the song or my mood. Be careful as to not wake sleeping demons with the wrong songs."

 My response "It's too late to avoid the sleeping demons. I'm trying to cram that genie back in the bottle but he fills my space. There is definitely a battle of life and death proportions raging and it seems I ran off the track over a year ago. Oh well, "it is what it is", and it sucketh big time!"

Many of my days are spent in a melancholic haze of tears. I have nothing to do, no where to go and little to look forward too. (be careful when you retire, it can be a bitch!) 

Some days I wake with vigor and attack the day with joy. I dress up, give myself an approving nod in the mirror and head out to WOW the world. :)

But most are like today. I spend hours looking at this screen, lonely. I listen to music that reminds me of lost love, lost youth, the passing of time and the impossibility of change. I dance alone with a glass of wine and I cry.

 I look back on my life and see good. Many accomplishments, many people, much joy. I look forward and see nothing. My therapist keeps asking me "what do you want to do with your life?" and I have no answer. 

I'd like to hook up that "Airstream" from yesterday and just drive away. 
I often find refuge at a local park that sits on a busy waterway. There is always a lovely breeze, birds and boats to watch. Some days I read. Often I plug in my IPod, lay on a blanket and nap. I've gone in my swimsuit and sunbathed in the bed of my truck. I've watched the clouds and sang with the birds. 

Sharing with a friend lately I said, "No rain here either. But the park was fabulous yesterday. A strong, cool wind, a light rain and an amazing lightning show with backgrounds in thunder. The birds and I laid under the tree on a blanket and drank it all in. Amazingly I didn't melt in the rain (even as sweet as I am) and the lightning avoided my tree (damn! I was looking for an easy way out! :) 

I try to keep my correspondence light and friendly, but inside my heart is broken. In truth I fell in love with a dream and now I'm stuck in a reality that just can't measure up.

A couple of more songs for the road and I'll call it a day;

"Never Knew Lonely" Vince Gill

http://youtu.be/RLM0tiZ5Kf8

"Lay Down Beside Me" Alison Krauss & John Waite

http://youtu.be/42cB7YcHrRU

Thank you! Right now "You Light Up My Life, you give me strength to carry on. You light up my days and fill my nights with songs. It can't be wrong when it feels so right. (yeah right!). You, light up my life" and I love you for it. L.E.

"My Gypsy Soul"

"I wish I lived in an Airstream"!!
http://youtu.be/cm1u_2yZhYg

This is a song sent to me by someone special. Someone who knows how I think because we share the same desire to "Hit the road Jack". For me the song could continue, "and don't you come back no more." I'm not sure for her.

Here are a couple of lines from it that I'm especially fond of;
"lived by a pier in a lighthouse with a chandelier"
I've lived all my life at or near the water. Though lately I have the desire to get in my car and drive "far, far away", I know that I would end up at the waters edge. I could live in an Airstream, a trailer or a car. Just let me live alone. It's not that I don't like people, I do. I've just always been surrounded. I've never lived alone. I've seldom been alone in the past 33 years. A busy life of church, children, family & work left little "me" time. Oh how I longed for "me" time. Now my children have flown the coop, I've left the business world and my days are very, very empty. It's been 7 months and I still wander around my big house. I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life. I think a season of the gypsy life would do me good. I'd either find my niche and stay or realize what I'd left behind, return and be forever content. Or would I???
Another line in this song:
"Unbridled or tethered and tied,
 The safety of the fence or the danger of the ride.
 I'll always be unsatisfied."
Kinda scary! Surely there will come a day when I will find my place and there I will rest.
Until then I will keep up the search. I'd like to share another song. Again sent by a friend who knew me from long ago and knows how desperately I long to return....


"INTO THE MYSTIC"
http://youtu.be/gVAnlke_xUY

"TELL ME WHERE".....?

"Oh tell me where. Where is that someone who will turn and look at me and want to share my every sweet imagined possibility?"


Once I discovered there was more, I wanted it all. I wanted someone who could and would want to share in all that I could be. I began the search for what seems to be the impossible.


Was it possible that there was one special someone? A completer? A soul mate? 
And if so, was it too late for me?


I didn't have to look any further than my own computer screen. One day I was a lonely, unfulfilled housewife and then he was just there. It was a combination that was sure to bring disappointment. But at the time I had no way to know or understand how deeply this truth would wound. Surely a love that had lasted over 35 years was meant to be. Surely he had opened the cage of my disappointments and we were meant to fly.
 I KNEW I was meant to fly. 


"What's wrong with wanting more? If you can fly then soar! With all there is, why settle for just a piece of sky?"


But he had flown before and knew the cost. His feet were planted firmly in the grounding of self control and mine just couldn't help but want to run.


The romance of the movies I watched muddied this water too. Like "The Notebook". Risking it all, waiting no matter how long for the perfect. But perfect for me would be to blend the security and unconditional love I already had with the dangers of the unknown all wrapped up in the "things that women dream".

So how to be free yet stay true? How to soar but be grounded is where I am stuck.

My days have little purpose because my life purpose is no longer clear. My faith has been challenged and lost. My music has changed. My clothes, hair & figure, though greatly improve and quite attractive, have no safe place to go to be admired and appreciated.    I simply am. 


"The more I live-the more I learn.
 The more I learn-the more I realize 
  the less I know.
 Each step I take-Each page I turn-
 Each mile I travel only means 
  the more I have to go."

So here I am. No answers. Many, many questions. Surrounded by so many, yet so very alone.


"Train Wreck" Sarah McLachlan 
http://youtu.be/-kxPxqqrxs0

It All Began.....

"Tell me where. 

  Where is it written what it is I'm meant to be?

  That I can't dare...."


"A Piece of Sky" Barbra Streisand- Yentl
http://youtu.be/0lKmUl46wnc

Hi, I'm Elle and this is where my story begins:
I often ask myself "how many stories can one person have?" It seems many.

 Between the seasons, and the variations of each and the music with it's unlimited number,

 there is me.

 As we share The Music In My Heart I hope to carry you along on my journey of discovery. 

For ease, I will begin with the story I am living now, where it began and .... 

on from there.

It all began just as the song says, with a question, with a discovery.

I was living a limited life. One that had suffered years of neglect as far as personal growth. One that was bruised from loss and the inevitable grief that followed.

I literally looked out the tiny window of my temporary home and knew that there was more. With that knowing came the immediate truth that to stay in this place was to continue to die slowly. 

Dying can cause one to do the unthinkable and so I did.
I opened the door and walked outside into a world I'd never known. It truly was much wider, much higher, more colorful, more delightful than I'd ever dreamed. I couldn't imagine how I'd let myself crawl into a cage and been content for so many years to dwell therein. But no longer. Like a bird set free I wanted to fly. Unhindered. Unfettered. Uninhibited.
Like a bird set free, danger was a word I could not know.

 Let's begin the journey of this little song bird. Begin again, at the stage of life called the middle. A stage where so much is at stake. So much already written in stone, and yet, is it really?.....