It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Monday, October 29, 2012

Meaningful Moments

"It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments.
Most often they are over before they start
although they cast a light on the future and make
the person who originated them unforgettable."
 (last line from Anna and the King)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Fantasies vs Reality (don't fault me)

Since last I was with you I spent 7 days at Disney World with my hub. Our 35th anniversary is just months away and we wanted to do something special.
Considering our options I thought Disney was as close to having fun as we were going to get.

Our first choice was a "Sandals" resort. But I knew such a place wasn't for "us".
These are the things I would do in the Caribbean or in Jamaica; sail, scuba diving lessons, golf, nude sun bathing, walk, sit and sleep for hours on the sand and in the surf. Night time would be great food, dancing, drinks, reggae bars, karaoke, good sex....
Add a lot of fishing and some para sailing for the perfect get-away for a couple in love, celebrating 35 great years. NOT!!!
I would be sailing, diving, sun bathing, hours in the surf, dancing, drinking, listening to good music & para sailing ALONE.
Together we would fish, eat great food and have good sex. But those are the same things we did on our last 2 vacations and I was trying to expand our itinerary.
I'm not complaining! Fishing, food and sex rate 1,2 &3 (not necessarily in that order ;) in my list of favorite things.

"We" aren't Sandals kind of people for the same reasons "we" aren't cruise people. So I went for something where anyone should be able to find fun. NOT!!!
I was, as always, in love with everything! The architecture, the landscaping, the shows, the golf courses, the rides, the pool....everything!!!
My husband isn't easily impressed but he did say the food was great.

Don't fault me my fantasies until you walk the narrow path I tread....

(fantasy island)

"You've Got A Friend" carole king
(fantasy friend)

Somehow marriage and friendship didn't come as a package deal for me. But happiness is a choice and I have much to be thankful for.
Take care, elle

Thursday, October 4, 2012

"Do you think about me still?"

"Thinkin' 'Bout You" yuna

"Do you think about me still?
Or do you not think so far ahead?
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever"

A really nice version of the Frank Ocean mix.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

"What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains."
Tennessee Williams

"I'll Never Say Goodbye"

"Say goodbye
Why? I can barely say good night
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?"

"When I say always, I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I'm not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you I'll never say goodbye"

"I'll Never Say Goodbye", a beautiful song from Barbra Streisand.

The movie is "The English Patient"
"The English Patient is a story of love, fate, misunderstanding and healing. Told in a series of flashbacks."
"In love, there are no boundaries" (copied from the movie box)


Today is a day of love, fate, flashbacks, misunderstandings and questions. Is there a place of no boundaries? Does it exist outside the realm of my imagination? And am I still moving forward on the road to healing, understanding and acceptance? Today none of yesterdays truths matter (post "Ordinary LOVEliness" 10/1/12). Today all that matters is my promise, "I'll never say goodbye". I'll never make that mistake again.
And so like Henry and June (see post from 9/27/12 "What to read?? Sex or morality?", like Laszlo and Katharine (The English Patient), I continue to love two men violently and without regard to consequence.

"I have no other choice, for one is my breath and one is my song." elle 


Monday, October 1, 2012

Ordinary LOVEliness

I spent a lovely weekend with my husband these past 3 days.
He had a rare long weekend and we had few options. We could stay home for 3 days with our daughter and the 2 grands or leave. As much as we love all three of them, we are with them everyday and we look forward to our time away from the runny noses, the whining and the everyday world of toddlers.
This is a good place to say that we raised our FIVE without the daily help of grandparents or anyone else. Also a good place to say that we have only had 6 months of our 35 years of marriage without kids and grands moving in and out like a revolving door.

We've been talking about driving to the Houston area to look at a Mini Cooper for the past several months. I have the boys most weekends and it's rained every other weekend so getting away has been impossible. Determined not to miss the opportunity to 'escape' I made last minute reservations for a room and away we drove late Thursday night. I was fighting a recurring cold that the 3 year old and I keep exchanging and I wasn't feeling really great. We ate at Denny's then went to our room where I took a long, hot bubble bath and fell sound asleep. It was obviously not the romantic get-a-way we are used to BUT in the middle of the uneventful I found a quiet and peaceful place of rest.
It's been a long time since I felt the contentment that comes from years of being loved and understood by the same person. I've been fighting this so-called "ordinary life" for about 3 years. I've felt very discontent and bored. I've often felt the hopelessness of the mid-life mantra; "is this all there is??!!".

I dedicated an entire post to this subject on Sept. 3: "A Crossroad; Proceed with Caution!". In it I discussed the movie 'Hope Springs' and dissected a quote on the subject of "cheating".
From that quote I wrote; "Personally I question the 90/10 rule. Do "all the years that you have been with each other", "the storms you have weathered together", "the many adjustments", the "little quirks" and "the wealth of lovers" add up to 90% of life? Am I the sum total of the years I've spent and the children I share with this man? Am I willing to call that my 90%? How do I look forward to a future that holds a chance of adding only 10% to who I am and who we are?"

This past weekend made me question again. Have I been underestimating the power of someone who knows so much about me? Have I been unwilling to admit the power of his love? He definitely knows my little quirks, knows how to push just the right "buttons" as a lover and is learning to accept the "new me" one step at a time. He loves me, and that ordinary/extraordinary love that comes from "years" and "adjustments" felt so good and safe. I was sick, a little cranky and not very energetic. He adjusted. He "knew" what made me smile, when I'd had enough, when I needed to eat, to rest....

It's been a long time and it feels sooo good to be content in my "ordinary" life of "loveliness".

"Alone In the World" barbra streisand