"A little cheese with that whine??" & Thirty days of THANKS

I haven't blogged or even visited the last few days.
I've been feeling sorry for myself.
I've been pouting.
I've felt used, lonely and worthless, again.

All I could see was the negative, again.

My life;

It sucks. I hate it.
Me;

I suck. I hate it.

I couldn't see any reason to share any of the above.

I just wanted to bury myself in my bed, my music & my M&M's.

I got angry, deleted all the emails I've sent and received from a certain "friend" who refuses to do things MY WAY!!
I got angry when I realized another "so-called friend" is using me, again. So I deleted all those emails too.

Then friend #1 who I thought was ignoring me, sent me an email. Just enough to make me feel special. I forgot all the promises I made myself about "never again" and I got happy.




(obviously he can...
  which makes me somewhat of a dog on the floor waiting for a crumb and 
  feeling so loved when one falls)




I feel lonely and rejected, and I envy the one who has the power to say "I'm yours" or "not today".
And the problem is ME. I'm giving so much, tooo much power to someone who can never love me like I can love me.




That's just SAD! One of the most beautiful women in the world, sooo amazingly sexy and such a tragic ending.
Sayings like that confuse me.
I want to love with abandon and trust without questioning.
I want the white horse, the musician who carries me away. I want the dream. So did Marilyn.


Back on track;
I still don't give a ___ about "so-called friend" #2. (just sayin')


I have a serious problem.
My happiness is totally dependent on a certain other and it doesn't matter how great the rest of my life is, how loved I am, provided for, pampered or spoiled rotten... I'm still unhappy unless I feel like I'm the center of "said persons" world.

The knowledge that I can be 5 days from 51 and still feel and act like a stupid kid makes it really hard to love myself. 
I don't even like me, again.
I'm still wearing those heavy combat boots and dragging my mostly lifeless self around that same old mountain.

A "comment" from my last post 5 days ago,


Hello Elle. I think you shouldn't hurry to get through with step one. There is a lot to look at. Any movement at all is progress. You are doing it yourself without having to be bolstered by anyone else. That is strength. You have strength.


She's so right. I'm not ready.
I can't even remember what step one is.
I don't think I'm progressing at all!
I've been moving the last 5 days, but not forwards.
Instead I took some major leaps backwards.

 I allowed myself to get suckered into doing and being something I'm really not, all in the attempt to be accepted. BUT mostly in an attempt to numb the pain.

"If I pretend I'm someone else then I won't have to be me" elle




Naughty is the most fun I've had in ages.
When I left my spending addiction behind I knew another obsession would replace it. And it did.
But stuff, people, good, naughty... none of it can ever fill the hole. Nothing can magically make me feel happy, fulfilled and give purpose to my empty life.

I can have fun but it is only a temporary fix. 
I can live in a fantasy but eventually I will wake up.

When I wake up and I'm still me then I realize I'm still unhappy. I still see no way of escape. I still want to give up so badly.
But I'm still too strong and stubborn to just let go.


Now that I've had my whine with cheese, grapes and a large shot of tequila its time to move along!!


But first I'd like to share some "wisdom from the therapist";


We were talking about addictions and obsessions. I said something along the line of "I know my spending wasn't a chemical" when he stopped me. 


"Yes it was. The body, the brain produces the same chemicals, the same response to a DRUG as it does to the stimulant you were feeding it. 


The body loves "NEW". Anything new releases endorphin's. Whether you are buying something new. Spending time with someone new or indulging in some NEW activity. It's the same. 


You're brain feels the same as the brain of someone who just filled their vein or their mouth with a stimulant. 


AND IT LIKES IT! And it wants more.
It worked. You found an escape, a pleasure. Now you crave it. You crave more! You need it, desire it, obsess over it. 
It now has the power to control you, until you take that power back." 


You've heard of "Gratitude Journals" and "31 Days of Thanks".

I'm going to give thanks during the entire month of November.
My journeying is boring right now. No one wants to hear me whine about the same old things that I can't or won't leave behind in order to move on.

SO, I'm going to journal my journey of thanks.


November 1st, 2011
Today I am thankful for a new grand baby. A beautiful little boy has once again graced our family. He has a head full of dark hair, long fingers and toes and will undoubtedly be a musician. It is his heritage. His dad and "Pop" are drummers, his mother, grandmother (that's me), aunts & uncles are singers, guitarists, cellist and pianists. Add a sax and a violin/fiddle and you get the picture. We were born to music.

I am thankful for family. And I have a BIG one!!
A "quiver-full" of kids, their spouses and more than a bakers dozen of "grands". 

I'm thankful for their health. 

I'm thankful they all have their own homes, finally!! (no one is living with us... it took forever but my home is now MY home)

I'm thankful that we are all so close. My daughters are now my friends and my sons are great men who lead good, decent lives.


I'm thankful for my mom and my step-dad.


I'm thankful that I am no longer controlled by my "real" dad who has never been real (and I'm OK with that).


I'm thankful for my sisters. Especially the new closeness and friendship I have with one and can't wait to share with the other!


I'm thankful for my husband, a truly good man.



November 2nd, 2011
Today I am thankful for the music.

Music is:
my hiding place when I can no longer face the world,
my canvas on which I can express what my heart can't speak,
my joy,
my voice when tears and pain would seek to choke and
                                                                        silence me,
my connection to a world where I don't fit in,
my defiance.... you can shut me down but you can never 
                                                                       drown the sound,
my hope,
my place of dreams, where reality is what my mind chooses, 
my past,
my future...




Not really. The music makes me ache with longing. It teases me. Makes me believe that as I'm moved to action, change and passion that action, change and passion are moved towards me. The music touches places too deep for words. Places where tears sound like moans. Where wounds are dug deep with broken fragments of my fragile heart. And all I feel is pain.

Still I'm thankful for the music. Without it I'd have no hope of escape, no canvas for joy, no voice for defiance, no connection to a dream where the past & the future are joined in the harmony that is "us".




"Colour My World" chicago
http://youtu.be/74_SSQNNY0Y


"As time goes on, I realize
  Just what you mean to me.
  And now, now that you're near,
  Promise your love that I've waited to share
  And dreams of our moments together.
  Color my world with hopes of loving you."




"Just The Two Of Us" bill withers
http://youtu.be/9UzBSxoXVRs

"I see the crystal raindrops fall
  And the beauty of it all
  Is when the sun comes shining through
  To make those rainbows in my mind
  When I think of you some time
  And I want to spend some time with you


  Just the two of us
  We can make it if we try
  Just the two of us
  Just the two of us
  Building castles in the sky
  Just the two of us
  You and I


  We look for love, no time for tears
  Wasted waters's all that is
  And it don't make no flowers grow
  Good things might come to those who wait
  Not to those who wait too late
  We got to go for all we know


  Just the two of us
  We can make it if we try
  Just the two of us
  Just the two of us
  Building them' castles in the sky
  Just the two of us
  You and I


  I hear the crystal raindrops fall
  On the window down the hall
  And it becomes the morning dew
  And darling, when the morning comes
  And I see the morning sun
  I want to be the one with you


  Just the two of us
  We can make it if we try
  Just the two of us
  Just the two of us
  Building castles way on high
  Just the two of us
  You and I 


  Just the two of us
  Just the just the just the two of us"




"Time In A Bottle" jim croce
http://youtu.be/kr-LzfEuuac

"If I could save time in a bottle
  The first thing that I'd like to do
  Is to save every day
  Till eternity passes away
  Just to spend them with you


  If I could make days last forever
  If words could make wishes come true
  I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
  Again, I would spend them with you


  But there never seems to be enough time
  To do the things you wanna do
  Once you find them
  I've looked around enough to know
  That you're the one I want to go
  Through time with


  If I had a box just for wishes
  And dreams that would never come true
  The box would be empty
  Except for the memory 
  Of how they were answered by you


  But there never seems to be enough time
  To do the things you want to do
  Once you find them
  I've looked around enough to know
  That you're the one I want to go
  Through time with."


I whine about you a lot. 
I'm jealous of your emotional health, your self control, discipline and clarity.
I want them too, but until I get them I want you to waller in the mud with me so I don't feel so alone ")..

I'm thankful that you found me, again.
I was in this unhealthy place before you, I just couldn't see it.
Now I see. Now I have a chance to change it.
If it is to be, it is up to me. (despite my constantly trying to convince you that it is up to you)






elle