All dressed up and nowhere to go.

My plunge from happy to sad happened in less than a flash. Two quick texts and my morning of excited anticipation came to an abrupt halt. Instead of continuing to prepare cold watermelon and beach towels, I'm sitting here numbly. Disappointed & questioning my sanity. 


Saturday a friend was supposed to call, but didn't.
Today we were going to meet, but didn't.
(I could go on and on, but you get the picture)


So here I am. All dressed up with nowhere to go, again.
I could go shopping, or have a late lunch, or grab an iced coffee, alone. But all that pales to the anticipation I've felt for 3 days. 


I'm feeling sorry for myself, again. I seem to be waiting for something that isn't coming. It's time to face some tough questions. Like "when will I learn to live life and not depend on someone to live it with me?" & "who's responsibility is it to keep me happy?".


I am an oxymoron on so many levels and this is one of them.
It is very difficult to keep me happy. I'm moody and lean heavily towards melancholy.
But on the other hand I'm a giver and a caretaker. I'll clean your house and cook for you when you're sick. I'll drive you several hours to the doctor, sit with you, cover parking fees and lunch. 


I am blessed by a host of people who really know me and choose to love me anyway. I'm even more blessed by the few who like me and choose to spend their time with me. My friend is both.

For that I am grateful.



Here's a favorite song I heard just this morning.
But first I want to share the introduction:

"One of the nice things about growing older is realizing that you can survive life's disappointment.  
  And you also realize that you cannot look to someone else for your happiness.
  Of course that screws up the songs you can sing. You can't sing those same dependent, victim songs anymore with the same conviction. 
  For example you can't sing, 'I can be happy, I can be sad, I can be good or I can be bad. It all depends on you?'
  But there are songs you can sing and really mean (after many hours of therapy)...."


"On A Clear Day" Barbra Streisand
http://youtu.be/53NUBNkc32U

"On a clear day rise and look around you
  And you'll see who you are


  On a clear day how it will astound you
  That the glow of your being outshines every star
  
  You'll feel part of every mountain, sea and shore
  You can hear from far and near
  A world you've never, ever heard before


  And on a clear day, on a clear day
  You can see forever and ever, and ever, and ever more"


So what does all this mean? 
It seems I'm growing older but obviously I haven't quite caught on to the "nice things" she speaks about.
I've done plenty of couch time but it seems I need much more!
I'm dependent on others for my happiness but independent in my need to "do my own thing".
My days are not clear, they are cloudy, and I am still searching.

I wonder how old Barbra is.
By the time I reach her age will I be who I was meant to be? 
Will I be free of the chains that seek to bind me and strangle my very voice? Free of the fears that make those chains so strong?



She is the same woman who's song "A Piece Of Sky" began my current journey. Although there is much about her that I truly dislike and disagree with, I long to feel the confidence she walks in.


The passion I find in that song is what touched my soul. It caused me to question and then to seek, until I found a world I never knew existed. 



But I wasn't content to just know it was there. I wanted to touch, to taste and feel all this glorious newness. 


I quickly learned how ill equipped I was to face this world I'd never known. This naivety made me an easy target and I was wounded and harshly treated. I was told that I had no right to want more. I was shown the door of the cage from which I had just escaped and demanded to return. 


I was lost, alone and frightened. I've been lost, alone, frightened, neglected, bullied and abused before. The survivor in me was alive and ready to fight, again. 


But a survivor knows that often you must fight from a hidden place. To expose your location is to encourage slaughter. 


So I hide. I fight. I question. 
I stand my ground and every day I ask, 


"Tell me where? Where is it written what it is I'm meant to be? That I can't dare to taste the fruit of every tree? Or have my share of every sweet imagined possibility?"


"A Piece of Sky" barbra streisand
http://youtu.be/h8_WuBBotJ8

"It all began the day I found
  That from my window I could only see
  A piece of sky.
  I stepped outside and looked around,
  I never dreamed it was so wide
  Or even half as high.


  The time had come to try my wings
  And even though it seemed at any moment
  I could fall,
  I felt the most amazing things,
  The things you can't imagine
  If you've never flown at all.


  Though it's safer to stay on the ground,
  Sometimes where danger lies
  There the sweetest of pleasures are found.
  No matter where I go
  There'll be memories that tug at my sleeve
  But there will also be
  More to question yet more to believe.


  Oh tell me where?
  Where is that someone who will turn
  And look at me and want to SHARE
  My ev'ry sweet-imagined possibility?


  The more I live- the more I learn.
  The more I learn- the more I realize
  The less I know.
  Each step I take
  Each page I turn
  Each mile I travel only means
  The more I have to go.


  What's wrong with wanting more?
  If you can fly- then soar!
  With all there is- why settle for
  Just a piece of sky?"


Writing this I came to realize that through the entire movie, Yentl is a woman who never finds someone who fits with who she is. She never finds her missing piece, her completer. It is a wasted life that waits for someone else to bring what can only come from within. She realizes she must forge ahead alone to find what she seeks.

I have been trying to make someone mold into what I want and need. 
The EXACT thing I am trying to escape from! 


I continue to say, "if they could just except me as I am then I wouldn't need to leave." 

Maybe he has been saying the same thing to me. Maybe that is why he never stays and always leaves. And I am left so very, very empty and alone. 


Maybe my disappointment is a product of my own form of control.


Maybe.


"Oh tell me where.......?"elle






  

"These three words".....Today is great!

It's a very busy day but I just had to find time to say, "life is good".


No, you don't, you won't hear that from me often but today I feel amazing. I've been saying it for a long time, the last thing a person in severe depression needs is to be alone for long periods of time, with nothing to do.
And that's been my life for a year and a half. 


Today I had a purpose, a plan. Since I haven't been going to church, I haven't been going out to eat after church with "the crew" (all my kids, spouses & grands). I've also been "sick" a lot and have missed several get togethers.  I didn't realize how much I missed everyone until my day with "little miss" last week. So I sent everyone a text yesterday that I am cooking chicken fajitas and all the trimmings tonight. 


I woke up a little overwhelmed and with a tinge of dread but I had said I would do this and there was no backing out. 


I got dressed, hair, shoes and all. I spent some time with a favorite friend and then I hit the kitchen. The IPod is set on my favorite playlist and I've danced around my island at least 20 times. Everything is coming along great and the food smells fabulous. 


My husband came home for lunch. He brought me flowers and a card with a long tearful "I'm sorry". Words he says often. Words that come too late. We stood in the middle of the kitchen and held each other. We ate lunch and talked (very rare- talking that is).
How could I ever leave this man whose world begins and ends with everything me? 


I'm going to skip on. Such thoughts can easily ruin a wonderful day. I'll be like Scarlet and "think about that tomorrow". 


Anyway, I look great. I feel great. My house smells great and my family is coming for supper.
I made it through an awful weekend and I have another major one around the corner. But today is good. For that I am grateful.


"I Just Called To Say I Love You" stevie wonder
http://youtu.be/XxoBaEQGMPo

"No New Years Day to celebrate
  No chocolate covered candy hearts to give away
  No first of spring
  No song to sing
  In fact here's just another ordinary day


  No April rain
  No flowers bloom
  No wedding Saturday within the month of June
  But what it is, is something true
  Made up of these three words that I must say to you
  
  I just called to say I love you
  I just called to say how much I care
  I just called to say I love you
  And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

  No summer's high
  No warm July
  No harvest moon to light one tender August night
  No autumn breeze
  No falling leaves
  Not even time for birds to fly to southern skies


  I just called to say I love you
  I just called to say how much I care
  I just called to say I love you
  And I mean it from the bottom of my heart"


I'm glad I got the chance to share something good. I know it's rare.
I hope your day is fabulous and tomorrow even better. 
I love you, LE

Respite

Today I am thankful for 

"fresh flowers on my table".


"The Gift" david nevue
http://youtu.be/kbUnExEtDw4

"Beauty all around me
the swaying of the trees
the laughter of the water
the singing in the leaves


Where is my respite
my place to hideaway?
Even in the beauty
my tears give me away


Sweet joy why can't I feel you
my dear old friend of lore
your whisper and caress
  always just outside my door


I smile at birds through glass
playing in the grass
Write silly poems of warm rocks
wet jeans and wet ass


My dark eyes bright and hopeful
for his smile to turn my way
And I close my eyes to silence
at the dimming of the day" elle


"The Dimming of the Day"alison krauss
http://youtu.be/uiy3qGCZZEc

"This old house is falling down around my ears
I'm drowning in the river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day


You pull me like the moon pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side


What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day


Come the night you're only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant


I see you on the street in company
Why don't you come and ease your mind with me
I'm living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day"

The screams of a silent Sunday

It's Sunday morning, again.
I seem to be marking my life, and therefore this blog about my life, by the thought processes, the moral struggles and the awful unhappiness I live with during the eternity between Monday and Saturday.

Every week Sunday comes, without fail. Every week the truth of my life stares me in the face. This Sunday I am as confused and torn as last.

This Sunday is worse than last. The dread, the disappointment, the heaviness have escalated. This week I rocked the boat and for that I will pay dearly.

Sunday is here.
I wish so desperately that I wasn't.

It is Sunday morning and I must decide how to dress this empty shell. 
Do I dress it in a "happy face" and a pretty dress to join my family at church and then for lunch?
Or not?
There are less consequences to suffer with the first, but does that really matter any more? Does one degree of suffering differ that much from the next degree?  

Whether I stay or go the inevitable is going to happen.
The "I'm so sad you've changed". "I wish you would be who you were before you destroyed our lives" look, on his face and in his eyes, will be followed by a long period of silence. Not minutes of silence, but hours.
When it is really bad and I climb into my bed of numbness, then it becomes days of silence.

I'm not surprised by his silence, it's always been this way.
I'm not surprised by my silence. My "voice" is not acceptable.
I'm am weary.
Weary of the silence and the control that have now been joined by his escalating unhappiness with me and disapproval of me.
Couple that with my "I don't really give a shit" attitude and it is almost funny that I'm sitting here pretending to be making choices about church. 


Whether to go or to stay.
It's not about church. It's about my life, about this marriage.

Every Sunday I must face the fact that things are not getting better. He is not going to budge and is determined that I stay "in my place". Every Sunday I must choose to stay and fight for the right to live my life as I choose or to walk away.

Every Sunday that I stay in this marriage is locked into a Monday of consequences locked into a week of misery that will only lead to another Sunday. 


"The Sound of Silence" simon & garfunkel
http://youtu.be/11FeId69WOk

"Hello darkness, my old friend,
  I've come to talk with you again,
  Because a vision softly creeping,
  Left it's seed while I was sleeping,
  And the vision that was planted in my brain
  Still remains
  Within the sound of silence.


  In restless dreams I walked alone
  Narrow streets of cobblestone,
  'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
  I turned my collar to the cold and damp
  When my eyes were stabbed 
  By the flash of a neon light
  That split the night
  And touched the sound of silence.


  And in the naked light I saw
  Ten thousand people, maybe more.
  People talking without speaking,
  People hearing without listening,
  People writing songs that voices never share
  And no one dared
  Disturb the sound of silence.


  "Fools" said I, "You do not know
  Silence like a cancer grows
  Hear my words that I might teach you,
  Take my arms that I might reach you."
  But my words like silent raindrops fell,
  And echoed
  In the wells of silence.


  And the people bowed and prayed
  To the neon god they made.
  And the sign flashed out it's warning,
  In the words that it was forming.
  And the sing said, the words of the prophets 
  Are written on the subway walls
  And tenement halls.
  And whisper'd in the sounds of silence."


If you want a little humor, something to make you smile and shake your head, try reading peoples interpretation of this song. I read everything from political upheaval, the atomic bomb and JFK to deep spiritual meaning and some really stoned guru opinions. 

To me this song is my story:
I've lived my life in a world of darkness. Always hiding. Always afraid.
Afraid that someone would find out the truth about the "real" me. Or that the things said about me might be truth. 
I've always been alone.
Even in a crowed room of strangers or surrounded by friends.
Always hiding.
Always silent.
I was silent about what I thought.
I was silent about who I am.
I was silent about what I want.
I was silent about hypocrisy I saw. 

I was silent about my dreams 
and my desires.
I was silent so as not to be labeled evil by some and worthless by others.
I was filled with secrets. I am filled with secrets.


There was a time when I was filled with opinions, passions and convictions.
But when I "spoke my mind" or "did my thing" I was looked at with suspicion. I did not fit, my opinions did not fit. 


One by one the things I just knew I was right about were proven to be incorrect until I convinced myself that "I" was wrong. My opinion does not count, it is flawed. I am not educated enough, morally grounded enough, decent enough. I lack goodness and integrity.
Really? Is this truth?


Silence does have a sound. It has a voice. A voice that screams.
The sound is so constant and deafening that I can no longer distinguish the voices of truth and life from the voices of evil and death.
  
I live in a dark world to hide my truth, my perceived evil.
I live in a silent world because I have no one to share my truth with.



"In restless dreams I walk alone down narrow streets of cobblestone."

My neon light? That split the night (the darkness) and touched my sound of silence? Truth.
Truth that no longer wanted to hide. Truth that I wanted things that were prohibited. Truth that I wanted to do things and go places that were forbidden. Truth that these things are not evil. That I am not evil.
Truth that I just don't fit in the box that is my life. I do not fit in the world that I have called home since the day I said, "I do". 
I do not fit with this man or the God he serves.


And from there things got really bad. 
How dare I question! How dare I choose outside the box! How dare I consider that the box is not my home anymore.


I've been screaming in the silence for a long, long time.
I want to walk out of the darkness, out of the silence, out of the box.


Can anyone help me find a way? 





  

"Feel the sea and Touch the sky"

It's after two in the morning and I'm still up.
I feel soft and sexy from my bath, left sweet messages for my dearest friends, and now my eyes are heavy. 
I'm ready to crawl between the sheets, wrap myself in my softest blanket and dream that I'm in your arms as we feel the sea and touch the sky. 

Here's a song from my heart that follows me and keeps me company:
"Into the Mystic" glen hansard & marketa irglova
http://youtu.be/dlftisKf8Mc

"we were born before the wind,
  and we are so much younger than the sun
  and every bonnie boat was won, 
  as we sailed into the mystic


  hark, now hear the sailors cry,
  feel the sea and touch the sky,
  and let your soul and spirit fly
  as we sail into the mystic


  and when that fog horn blows,
  you know I will be coming home,
  and when that fog horn whistle blows,
  you know I wanna hear it
  i don't have to fear it now


  i wanna rock your gypsy soul
  we're just like way back in those days of old
  and together we'll fall 
  as we sail into the mystic


  yeah magnificently we'll fall 
  as we sail into the mystic"

"For us there will be another day"

The rare weekend I spoke of has come. 
All my hopes, dreams and fantasies about it are not to be.

Do you see the little girl, hands on her hips ready to stomp her foot and demand?

Or the teenager in hot pink stiletto's who wants you to know "I can do bad all by myself!"?



There is a young mom who needs a night on the town. A quite dinner with wine and long conversation or as many beers and trips around the dance floor as it takes to fill her heart with laughter.


And a woman longs to lie naked and beautiful under the moon and let the waves bathe her body in rhythm to his touch.


They are longing. Do you see? 
"They" are all me. 


Just for this moment in time I had the freedom to choose.
I chose you.  


I am spending a quiet evening alone in my room.
I won't demand or live in regret.


I have a cold Shiner Bock in my hand & 5 more in the frig. 

I'm going to make my way through some of "my favorite things". 
I'm going to play music that I love. 
Maybe chat with a friend late into the night or early morning hours.
I'm going to treat myself to a long, hot bath with bubbles,
and sleep alone 'till the sun & your voice call to wake me.

You are welcome to join me. It's not much, but it's a hell of a lot more than I've had in a long, long time!


I found this in my book of "good stuff". It's not so good but it rhymes;
"I wish you loved me 
  I wish it everyday
  I wish you loved me
  And were taking me away.


  From this place 
  Where I have been too long
  From this place
  Where things keep going wrong." L.E.

"Love That Burns" fleetwood mac

http://youtu.be/nZrMAFrUTYU

"Would you love me tomorrow
  Like you say you love me now
  
  When the flames of our flesh 
  Have stopped burning and the fire
  Of our love has cooled down


  Too many times I've given too much
  Baby, give me your love in return


  And don't use me as your fool
  'Cause my heart can't stand
  Another lie


  And if you can't love me tomorrow
  Please leave me now
  In my room to cry"

"Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight" james taylor

http://youtu.be/Zx2TM_f1u4c

"Awake" josh groban
http://youtu.be/CxihqbIKQoM

"A beautiful and blinding morning
  The world outside begins to breathe
  See clouds arriving without warning
  I need you here to shelter me


  And I know that only time will tell us how
  To carry on without each other
  
  So keep me awake to memorize you
  Give us more time to feel this way
  We can't stay like this forever
  But I can have you next to me today


  If I could make these moments endless
  If I could stop the winds of change
  If we just keep our eyes wide open
  Then everything would stay the same

  We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here
  Right now, with me
  All my fears just fall away
  When you are all I see


  We can't stay like this forever
  But I have you here today
  And I will remember
  I will remember
  Remember all the love we shared today"


"A night of rare possibilities has come to an end. 
Too quickly my one chance fades away.  
I will look for your face in the morning light. 
For us there will be another day." elle 

  

I can say "yes" and you can say "no".

I have 2 very rare and unusual weekends coming up. 


This weekend I offered an opportunity to someone that is way out of their comfort zone. 


Next weekend someone offered me something that is way out of my comfort zone. 
To do it I must have the help of someone else, which is way out of her comfort zone.


No one wants to answer my emails or calls. I think they are worried about speaking the truth. Maybe they feel guilty that they are letting me down.


It's OK to say "no". It's important to go with your gut. Never compromise your peace of mind for me or anyone else. 


It's taken me 50 years to realize that my opinion counts and is worth fighting for.  


I have the right to say "yes" to things others don't approve of. 


I can also say "no thank-you that's just not for me".  


There will always be consequences for me when I go against the flow and say "yes" instead of "no".
  
But for you there is no price to be paid. Just speak the truth with love. 
I'm a big girl. I promise not to fall apart :)


I love you both more than words can ever say, L.E. 

Pretty in pink

I'm playing " Nana" today with one of my few grand-daughters. Boys outnumber girls 3 to 1 around here. I spend lots of time talking about frogs, chasing snakes & kicking soccer balls. It was a bit of an adjustment for me. I've always been a girly girl. My husband did the hunting, fishing, mow the yard stuff with our boys and the girls and I cooked, cleaned, read, cross stitched...


I have been collecting vintage toys for years and had to expand my field from tin tea sets and dolls to army men and horses.

Since the big "change" I have totally abandoned sewing, reading, puzzles and gardening.... and instead spend as much time as I can on the water, in the boat & fishing.

In truth most of my days are spent in this room. I have the entire WWW to surf and this blog to write. I play bejeweled and read my Face Book page. I comment little and post even less. I learned the hard way that most of the people don't give a damn what's going on in my life. Even more difficult was learning that my estranged father and my husband read and dissect my every word. 


My dad uses it against me as a tool to prove his lifelong belief that I am worthless. My husband is just confused and suspicious. After having to answer a million questions about stupid things like "who is.....?", and "what did you mean by.....?" I decided it wasn't worth it. 


 I set my page as "offline" so I don't have to chat (another lesson learned the hard way). I didn't know that chats were stored under messages until I was raked over the coals about a long, girl to girl chat with a dear friend. Because my husband has all my passwords he made a copy of it and I had to answer for line after line.

I also watch "Law & Order" & "House" marathons and when I get half a chance I sneak off to a local park, lay under a tree, watch the boats and listen to my music.



Days like today I almost wish I had never ventured out of my cage to discover what I had been missing. Perhaps "ignorance is bliss". Though I knew deep inside that there was more, I was content to wait for it. I was ignorant but always hopeful. I believed that if I continued to walk upright and hold to my faith that "it" was just around the corner. I lived a decent life. I did all the right things because that's what a "lady" does. 


Was I happy? That's hard to say. Happiness has always alluded me.
Supposedly someone once said that "happiness is a choice". I thought it was just mind over matter. I needed to try harder and make better choices.


I was living then, even though that life was lacking. I don't call what I'm doing now "living".
It is merely existing. 


So here we are, "little miss" & I.
I have none of the warm fuzzies I used to have towards my grands. No desire to play dolls, to color, to go shopping and for lunch. Instead her little voice saying "Nana" every 30 seconds, her constantly touching my stuff and drinking out of my water bottle already have my nerves in a knot and it's not even 9 in the morning. I'm afraid it's a long way till mom gets here at 5. 


I think it's safe to say that I'm not so pretty, no matter how cute I look in my pink lace panties.

:)

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

 berthold suerbach

"The Glory of Love" Bette Midler

http://youtu.be/ZkzM2krUixs

"You've got a to give a little, take a little,

and let your poor heart break a little.

That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,

until the clouds roll by a little.

That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

As long as there's the two of us,

we've got the world and all it's charms.

And when the world is through with us,

we've got each others arms.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,

yes, and always have the blues a little.

That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

That's the story of, that's the glory of love."

"Little miss" was watching a movie and somersaulting off my bed. I was playing Bette Midler on YouTube. All of a sudden she got really quite. She lay down on my pillow, snuggled up to me and said, "that lady sings pretty". "Yes she does my love" I replied.

"Baby Mine" Bette Midler

http://youtu.be/1KWq9DhR1As

"This is one Nana used to sing to you while I rocked you. You were a tiny baby then but you loved the music, just like you do now. And I love you now just like I did then." 

"Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,

Don't you mind what they say.

Let your eyes sparkle and shine

Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew sweet little you,

They'd end up loving you too.

All those same people who scold you,

What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your head down to your toes,

You're so sweet, goodness knows.

You are so precious to me,

Cute as can be, baby of mine."

We're going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watermelon now. Then "little miss" and I are going to take a well deserved nap.
Have a good one and be blessed, elle