It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Pretty in pink

I'm playing " Nana" today with one of my few grand-daughters. Boys outnumber girls 3 to 1 around here. I spend lots of time talking about frogs, chasing snakes & kicking soccer balls. It was a bit of an adjustment for me. I've always been a girly girl. My husband did the hunting, fishing, mow the yard stuff with our boys and the girls and I cooked, cleaned, read, cross stitched...

I have been collecting vintage toys for years and had to expand my field from tin tea sets and dolls to army men and horses.

Since the big "change" I have totally abandoned sewing, reading, puzzles and gardening.... and instead spend as much time as I can on the water, in the boat & fishing.

In truth most of my days are spent in this room. I have the entire WWW to surf and this blog to write. I play bejeweled and read my Face Book page. I comment little and post even less. I learned the hard way that most of the people don't give a damn what's going on in my life. Even more difficult was learning that my estranged father and my husband read and dissect my every word. 

My dad uses it against me as a tool to prove his lifelong belief that I am worthless. My husband is just confused and suspicious. After having to answer a million questions about stupid things like "who is.....?", and "what did you mean by.....?" I decided it wasn't worth it. 

 I set my page as "offline" so I don't have to chat (another lesson learned the hard way). I didn't know that chats were stored under messages until I was raked over the coals about a long, girl to girl chat with a dear friend. Because my husband has all my passwords he made a copy of it and I had to answer for line after line.

I also watch "Law & Order" & "House" marathons and when I get half a chance I sneak off to a local park, lay under a tree, watch the boats and listen to my music.

Days like today I almost wish I had never ventured out of my cage to discover what I had been missing. Perhaps "ignorance is bliss". Though I knew deep inside that there was more, I was content to wait for it. I was ignorant but always hopeful. I believed that if I continued to walk upright and hold to my faith that "it" was just around the corner. I lived a decent life. I did all the right things because that's what a "lady" does. 

Was I happy? That's hard to say. Happiness has always alluded me.
Supposedly someone once said that "happiness is a choice". I thought it was just mind over matter. I needed to try harder and make better choices.

I was living then, even though that life was lacking. I don't call what I'm doing now "living".
It is merely existing. 

So here we are, "little miss" & I.
I have none of the warm fuzzies I used to have towards my grands. No desire to play dolls, to color, to go shopping and for lunch. Instead her little voice saying "Nana" every 30 seconds, her constantly touching my stuff and drinking out of my water bottle already have my nerves in a knot and it's not even 9 in the morning. I'm afraid it's a long way till mom gets here at 5. 

I think it's safe to say that I'm not so pretty, no matter how cute I look in my pink lace panties.


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
 berthold suerbach

"The Glory of Love" Bette Midler

"You've got a to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each others arms.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love."

"Little miss" was watching a movie and somersaulting off my bed. I was playing Bette Midler on YouTube. All of a sudden she got really quite. She lay down on my pillow, snuggled up to me and said, "that lady sings pretty". "Yes she does my love" I replied.

"Baby Mine" Bette Midler

"This is one Nana used to sing to you while I rocked you. You were a tiny baby then but you loved the music, just like you do now. And I love you now just like I did then." 

"Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
Don't you mind what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew sweet little you,
They'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you,
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your head down to your toes,
You're so sweet, goodness knows.
You are so precious to me,
Cute as can be, baby of mine."

We're going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watermelon now. Then "little miss" and I are going to take a well deserved nap.
Have a good one and be blessed, elle

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