My plunge from happy to sad happened in less than a flash. Two quick texts and my morning of excited anticipation came to an abrupt halt. Instead of continuing to prepare cold watermelon and beach towels, I'm sitting here numbly. Disappointed & questioning my sanity.
Saturday a friend was supposed to call, but didn't.
Today we were going to meet, but didn't.
(I could go on and on, but you get the picture)
So here I am. All dressed up with nowhere to go, again.
I could go shopping, or have a late lunch, or grab an iced coffee, alone. But all that pales to the anticipation I've felt for 3 days.
I'm feeling sorry for myself, again. I seem to be waiting for something that isn't coming. It's time to face some tough questions. Like "when will I learn to live life and not depend on someone to live it with me?" & "who's responsibility is it to keep me happy?".
I am an oxymoron on so many levels and this is one of them.
It is very difficult to keep me happy. I'm moody and lean heavily towards melancholy.
But on the other hand I'm a giver and a caretaker. I'll clean your house and cook for you when you're sick. I'll drive you several hours to the doctor, sit with you, cover parking fees and lunch.
I am blessed by a host of people who really know me and choose to love me anyway. I'm even more blessed by the few who like me and choose to spend their time with me. My friend is both.
For that I am grateful.
Here's a favorite song I heard just this morning.
But first I want to share the introduction:
"One of the nice things about growing older is realizing that you can survive life's disappointment.
And you also realize that you cannot look to someone else for your happiness.
Of course that screws up the songs you can sing. You can't sing those same dependent, victim songs anymore with the same conviction.
For example you can't sing, 'I can be happy, I can be sad, I can be good or I can be bad. It all depends on you?'
But there are songs you can sing and really mean (after many hours of therapy)...."
"On A Clear Day" Barbra Streisand
"On a clear day rise and look around you
And you'll see who you are
On a clear day how it will astound you
That the glow of your being outshines every star
You'll feel part of every mountain, sea and shore
You can hear from far and near
A world you've never, ever heard before
And on a clear day, on a clear day
You can see forever and ever, and ever, and ever more"
So what does all this mean?
It seems I'm growing older but obviously I haven't quite caught on to the "nice things" she speaks about.
I've done plenty of couch time but it seems I need much more!
I'm dependent on others for my happiness but independent in my need to "do my own thing".
My days are not clear, they are cloudy, and I am still searching.
I wonder how old Barbra is.
By the time I reach her age will I be who I was meant to be?
Will I be free of the chains that seek to bind me and strangle my very voice? Free of the fears that make those chains so strong?
She is the same woman who's song "A Piece Of Sky" began my current journey. Although there is much about her that I truly dislike and disagree with, I long to feel the confidence she walks in.
The passion I find in that song is what touched my soul. It caused me to question and then to seek, until I found a world I never knew existed.
But I wasn't content to just know it was there. I wanted to touch, to taste and feel all this glorious newness.
I quickly learned how ill equipped I was to face this world I'd never known. This naivety made me an easy target and I was wounded and harshly treated. I was told that I had no right to want more. I was shown the door of the cage from which I had just escaped and demanded to return.
I was lost, alone and frightened. I've been lost, alone, frightened, neglected, bullied and abused before. The survivor in me was alive and ready to fight, again.
But a survivor knows that often you must fight from a hidden place. To expose your location is to encourage slaughter.
So I hide. I fight. I question.
I stand my ground and every day I ask,
"Tell me where? Where is it written what it is I'm meant to be? That I can't dare to taste the fruit of every tree? Or have my share of every sweet imagined possibility?"
"A Piece of Sky" barbra streisand
"It all began the day I found
That from my window I could only see
A piece of sky.
I stepped outside and looked around,
I never dreamed it was so wide
Or even half as high.
The time had come to try my wings
And even though it seemed at any moment
I could fall,
I felt the most amazing things,
The things you can't imagine
If you've never flown at all.
Though it's safer to stay on the ground,
Sometimes where danger lies
There the sweetest of pleasures are found.
No matter where I go
There'll be memories that tug at my sleeve
But there will also be
More to question yet more to believe.
Oh tell me where?
Where is that someone who will turn
And look at me and want to SHARE
My ev'ry sweet-imagined possibility?
The more I live- the more I learn.
The more I learn- the more I realize
The less I know.
Each step I take
Each page I turn
Each mile I travel only means
The more I have to go.
What's wrong with wanting more?
If you can fly- then soar!
With all there is- why settle for
Just a piece of sky?"
Writing this I came to realize that through the entire movie, Yentl is a woman who never finds someone who fits with who she is. She never finds her missing piece, her completer. It is a wasted life that waits for someone else to bring what can only come from within. She realizes she must forge ahead alone to find what she seeks.
I have been trying to make someone mold into what I want and need.
The EXACT thing I am trying to escape from!
I continue to say, "if they could just except me as I am then I wouldn't need to leave."
Maybe he has been saying the same thing to me. Maybe that is why he never stays and always leaves. And I am left so very, very empty and alone.
Maybe my disappointment is a product of my own form of control.
"Oh tell me where.......?"elle