I left the madness and can't find the strength to continue the story.
But that's OK.
Just like memories, a body will shut out, or shut down when the limit is reached. Seems I've reached my limit for today.
Telling one of the secrets about my precious mamma is enough for today.
Never got near the the goal I set out to reach but there are plenty of tomorrows.
It would seem so easy to just run as fast as I can up the slippery slope, spill it all, be healed and live.
I don't want to journey, I want to be at the finish line. I want it all over.
But I'm no quitter.
I just quit for today").
No pancakes?
No problem, I'm used to eating alone.
I'm going to escape now, play some music, share some music and maybe if I'm really feeling adventurous I may unlock my door and walk into the cool morning. If not, Bejeweled here I come :).
"When She Loved Me" sarah mclachlan
http://youtu.be/A3qBbLyRixg
"When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful.
Every hour we spent together,
Lives within my heart.
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears.
And when she was happy so was I.
When she loved me.
Through the summer and the fall,
We had each other that was all.
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be.
And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her.
And I knew that she loved me.
So the years went by,
I stayed the same.
But she began to drift away.
I was left alone.
Still I waited for the day,
When she'd say "I will always love you"
Lonely and forgotten,
Never thought she'd look my way,
And she smiled at me and held me,
Just like she used to do.
Like she loved me,
When she loved me.
When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together,
Lives within my heart,
When she loved me."
I've been holding on to this song for months.
It's so foreign to the way I believed that it was sacrilege to even listen to the whole song the first time I found it. I shook my head and turned it off.
My faith has been shaken to the bare roots, and I've asked all these questions, but I can't deny what's real. And I know that I know that before the world shook the hell out of me (the fear of hell that is), before a perfect storm drowned me and laid a ship upon my chest, He was real.
Not just real to others but personal to me. Miracles in my body, mind and soul can never be refuted, but as our pastor so aptly put it, "If I were God, I'd do things different. If I were God, I'd show off more.".
I agree.
He is real, I believe, I know He will never leave me or forsake me.
But I just don't get it anymore. I want to know "why?".
"Dear God" sarah mclachlan
http://youtu.be/FrueVp_kuZ8
Now let's have a little fun!
Just discovered this great lady from Dublin, Ireland.
Love her style, love her clothes.
A whole lot of vintage with a whole lot of now = WOW!!!
"Johnny Got A Boom Boom" imelda may
http://youtu.be/ZucJAkzCNq8
Visit her website for some great video. Watch the filming of Psycho and others for a real treat. Her accent is heavy but she's fun.
Thought this one would be a good place to call it a day.
If you go with me, you "go with a phyco" "). elle
"Psycho" imelda may
http://youtu.be/2yhsVLdmtKI
"Keep on takin' your medication
Lock that temper behind those pills
Your brain in flyin', insanely fryin'
Just remember it's bad to kill
I go with a psycho
I go with a psycho
No more growlin', Stop your prowlin'
Leave those cars and people alone
You're an animal, a human cannibal
Snarlin' and snappin' like a dog on a bone
I go with a psycho
Yeah, I go with a psycho
You terrify the neighbors when you scream and shout
You look like it's contagious, you're foaming at the mouth
You're a freakin' nightmare, when you're lyin' in my bed
You sleep with eyes wide open like the living dead
I go with a psycho
I go with a psycho"
Saturday, September 10, 2011
TECHNICAL SCREAM!!!
I had a wonderful playlist from Playlist.com that came on automatically, then it disappeared. I've tried EVERYTHING I know to re-embed it, but to no avail.
I'm red with frustration!!!!!
Any help????
I'm red with frustration!!!!!
Any help????
The Sounds of Madness
"Early saturday morning. The guys went fishing and once I woke I could not sleep again.
My mind began to churn and write and stir me up again.
So sleepy eyed, alone I stare at an empty screen.
Will I sit out on the porch, drink coffee and savor the last of the cool?
No. It's sad. I won't.
Instead, I'll obsess, and dream and wonder, what? and where? and why?.
And will you think of me today?
And if you could then would you want to be with me awhile?
If I wrote would you write back? And if not how long would I wait?
All day it seems I live in dreams I know will not come true.
But still I choose a day to lose supposedly for you.
But if not you then would I choose to let my life ebb away?
Yes, it seems to live in dreams or by not choosing just to live like normal folk
who don't obsess or stare and waste their days waiting
for another soul to make or break their day. When in truth I've only me to blame.
Do I go back and make it all rhyme and fit just perfectly?
Just more waste for I'll never taste the things that drive me mad.
And then they simmer angrily and then I'm turned to sad.
How many thoughts can you think in a measure of a time?
Mine can't be measured, they're too quick and torturous to me.
Do you ever wonder if there's a way to be set free? And if you do then from what?
Want to steal away and meet for pancakes at I-Hop?
No. I didn't think so."
I wondered how long it would take.
Now I know.
Not long.
It started yesterday. The obsessing.
The dirty little secret I do not share.
The original obsession of my youth that made a circle and then returned.
Somewhere in my early years it seems that things went south. There was the fear, the "not measuring up", the awareness of the strangeness of me. Different. Not like others. Alien.
It manifested first in isolation (hiding).
That's all I remember about that early season.
That's all I remember about that early season.
Then came pre-adolescence and with it the OCD.
This was a major ignitor of anger and disgust from my mother.
It may also be the first recollection I have concerning texture and touch.
It may also be the first recollection I have concerning texture and touch.
It's gonna sound weird but here goes:
I remember it best at the dinner table. I would reach across the table to get the ketchup (or whatever).
On the way I would touch the bottle or another item with a certain area of my finger or hand. Then I was required to touch it again, in the same spot. It must feel exactly the same or I was required to try again and again until the feeling was replicated, then I could relax and move on.
The requirement was not at my mother or anyone else's insistence, but at my own. And it was not optional.
Believe me, if I could have stopped it then I would have saved myself much suffering.
It made my mother furious. "What the hell's wrong with you?!"
"Stop it elle _____, _______ (you know the voice that includes your first middle and last name)!!!
There was the glaring at me, the look that said 'you disgust me'.
(tears) It is a look I was all too familiar with. A look my father gave me often. Sometimes accompanied by an attack on my looks (my hair, the condition of my shoes), often of my mother (her inability to cook, clean...). She disgusted him.
I reminded him of her.
There was the glaring at me, the look that said 'you disgust me'.
(tears) It is a look I was all too familiar with. A look my father gave me often. Sometimes accompanied by an attack on my looks (my hair, the condition of my shoes), often of my mother (her inability to cook, clean...). She disgusted him.
I reminded him of her.
I was disgusting to him.
It was the same on the other side.
"When you do that (whatever the hell that was, I never knew), you look just like your dad!" The voice was low, bitter, angry & full of hatred.
She hated him.
I reminded her of him.
She hated me.
It's not rocket science. 2+2 will always = 4.
Always.
He hates her, she hates him, but there's still me.
He can't hit her, she can't hit him, but there's still me.
He's not near her, she's not near him, I'm near both.
So I get his hate, I get her slap then I get her hate and I get his fist.
I remember her slap, I do not remember his physical fist. His lifelong disgust, disappointment, disapproval, disowning me over and over were fist enough to destroy.
Let's take a break in the chain:
I understand her. I admire who she had to be to survive for herself and for me. She is my mom and I love her. She makes me furious at times but no one has loved me longer or truer.
(lots of tears. this is very, very hard & deep. dark and true. these are the things that confuse my mind. how could she hate me and love me. why me. why not me. how does this happen, this madness. i woke this morning and started writing a poem about leaves and their beauty. what triggers the madness and will it last forever and is there an escape. how long must i walk. why am i so alone, and does ANYONE UNDERSTAND????)
I'm going to post to this point. The rest will come later today or not. I will see how far I can go. Timing is crucial in all things. It seems I have time today. Time will tell how healing the truth is or isn't.
With love. For now, elle
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Another beautiful day!!!
Wow!!!!!
Maybe it's the fabulous weather we are having (low humidity, cool breeze, warm sun!), but I feel great!
Fighting what I hope are the last remnants of the side effects, a major headache. But so far no heavy pain meds necessary.
Beside that I really feel great.
Makes no sense. I cut my anti-depressant in half to add the new med and when the new med didn't work I just stayed with the half dose.
And I feel sooo happy!
Not a giddy/giggly happy, but a deep down "everything is good" happy.
Last night I went to sleep with a headache and woke about 3 thinking my head would explode.
My hubby prayed over me, got me something for the pain and gave me a neck and shoulder massage. He said it felt like trying to massage a rock.
I had been emotional, disappointed, tense and teary when I went to sleep. I had been gritting my teeth so hard that I could barely move my jaw. Now it was the middle of the night and I was scared, disoriented and couldn't get away from the pain!
After about 30 min the pain began to subside and I'm crying again. "Are you sad?", he asked. "No. I'm just so happy. I'm so thankful that I don't have to go through all this alone. I don't know if I could have made it through this past weekend without you. I love you so much. I really, really love you." And I do.
Life is strange. I am even stranger.
But I'm discovering that strange can also mean unique and interesting.
"Spicy" as I'm found of saying").
Things are changing. Slowly but surely.
I'm falling back in love with my husband and I even like who I am (a little). I want to live again.
Not just "not die", but live. I know everyday won't be perfect.
I know there is still a LONG WAY to go.
I'm still confused about much.
I'm still in Love with a dream and can't imagine letting it go.
But in the midst of it all I have peace. Peace that tomorrow will take care of tomorrow.
I am practicing my new affirmation,
"You's is kind. You's is smart. You's is important."
And I'm working towards the ultimate goal;
"Discover you, like you, embrace you" (per my therapist).
JUST FOR FUN;
I watched Top Gear last night. My kind of show!!!!
So today I'm really late for my appt. I have 10 minutes to make a 25 min. drive.
No problem. Just rev that baby up and let her rip!!! What fun! I was in the truck and it did well but fought me about going over 100mph. Which is why I drive a boring mini-van and not a Lexus!!!
I was only 3 minutes late!!! FUN! FUN! FUN!
Later I got a call from my baby boy checking on me :)
I listened to the messages on my phone and there was a call from our oldest son, my mom and my step dad; "just checking on you" and another from my sister inviting me to go 'junkin tomorrow.
I am loved. I am blessed. I'm on my way.....elle ").
"You" the carpenters
http://youtu.be/QkEc-nen7eA
"You are the one who makes me happy
When everything else turns to grey.
Yours is the voice that wakes me mornings
And sends me out into the day.
You are the crowd that sits quiet
Listening to me
And all the mad sense that I make.
You are one of the few things worth remembering
And since it's all true
How could anyone mean more to me
Than you?
Sorry if sometimes I look past you
There's no one beyond your eyes
Inside my head wheels are turning
Hey, sometimes I'm not so wise.
You are my heart and my soul
My inspiration
Just like the old love song goes.
You are one of the few things worth remembering
And since it's all true
How could anyone mean more to me
Than you?
You are my heart and my soul
My inspiration,
Just like the old love song goes.
You are one of the few things worth remembering,
And since it's all true
How could anyone mean more to me
Than you?"
You are my Love
I'll never forget to remember you. Never!
All our new memories are stored safely in my heart. L.E.
Maybe it's the fabulous weather we are having (low humidity, cool breeze, warm sun!), but I feel great!
Fighting what I hope are the last remnants of the side effects, a major headache. But so far no heavy pain meds necessary.
Beside that I really feel great.
Makes no sense. I cut my anti-depressant in half to add the new med and when the new med didn't work I just stayed with the half dose.
And I feel sooo happy!
Not a giddy/giggly happy, but a deep down "everything is good" happy.
Last night I went to sleep with a headache and woke about 3 thinking my head would explode.
My hubby prayed over me, got me something for the pain and gave me a neck and shoulder massage. He said it felt like trying to massage a rock.
I had been emotional, disappointed, tense and teary when I went to sleep. I had been gritting my teeth so hard that I could barely move my jaw. Now it was the middle of the night and I was scared, disoriented and couldn't get away from the pain!
After about 30 min the pain began to subside and I'm crying again. "Are you sad?", he asked. "No. I'm just so happy. I'm so thankful that I don't have to go through all this alone. I don't know if I could have made it through this past weekend without you. I love you so much. I really, really love you." And I do.
Life is strange. I am even stranger.
But I'm discovering that strange can also mean unique and interesting.
"Spicy" as I'm found of saying").
Things are changing. Slowly but surely.
I'm falling back in love with my husband and I even like who I am (a little). I want to live again.
Not just "not die", but live. I know everyday won't be perfect.
I know there is still a LONG WAY to go.
I'm still confused about much.
I'm still in Love with a dream and can't imagine letting it go.
But in the midst of it all I have peace. Peace that tomorrow will take care of tomorrow.
I am practicing my new affirmation,
"You's is kind. You's is smart. You's is important."
And I'm working towards the ultimate goal;
"Discover you, like you, embrace you" (per my therapist).
JUST FOR FUN;
I watched Top Gear last night. My kind of show!!!!
So today I'm really late for my appt. I have 10 minutes to make a 25 min. drive.
No problem. Just rev that baby up and let her rip!!! What fun! I was in the truck and it did well but fought me about going over 100mph. Which is why I drive a boring mini-van and not a Lexus!!!
I was only 3 minutes late!!! FUN! FUN! FUN!
Later I got a call from my baby boy checking on me :)
I listened to the messages on my phone and there was a call from our oldest son, my mom and my step dad; "just checking on you" and another from my sister inviting me to go 'junkin tomorrow.
I am loved. I am blessed. I'm on my way.....elle ").
"You" the carpenters
http://youtu.be/QkEc-nen7eA
"You are the one who makes me happy
When everything else turns to grey.
Yours is the voice that wakes me mornings
And sends me out into the day.
You are the crowd that sits quiet
Listening to me
And all the mad sense that I make.
You are one of the few things worth remembering
And since it's all true
How could anyone mean more to me
Than you?
Sorry if sometimes I look past you
There's no one beyond your eyes
Inside my head wheels are turning
Hey, sometimes I'm not so wise.
You are my heart and my soul
My inspiration
Just like the old love song goes.
You are one of the few things worth remembering
And since it's all true
How could anyone mean more to me
Than you?
You are my heart and my soul
My inspiration,
Just like the old love song goes.
You are one of the few things worth remembering,
And since it's all true
How could anyone mean more to me
Than you?"
You are my Love
I'll never forget to remember you. Never!
All our new memories are stored safely in my heart. L.E.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
It's a beautiful day for favorite things!!!
Autumn
"The season of the year
after youth has passed away,
The colored leaves they waltz & float
until at last they lay.
We too have passed that time of year
when youth has passed away,
Yet cease we not to waltz, to float
till in beauty we shall lay.
Each must dance it's dance alone
foretelling of a glory,
A certainty of life is that
each season tells our story.
So hearken now with open heart
and hear the autumns song,
miss not a moment of her breathe,
she gently holds her own.
She offers you a respite
from the heat of everyday.
Within her arms a hidden place,
she holds the cold at bay.
The cycle will continue
till spring shall bloom at last.
Through the certainty of seasons
find hope in autumns passed."
elle
"Liz On Top Of The World"
"My affections and wishes have not changed,
but one word from you will silence me forever.
If, however, your feelings have changed,
I will have to tell you:
you have bewitched me, body and soul,
and I love, I love, I love you.
I never wish to be parted from you
from this day on." Darcy - Pride and Prejudice
"Mrs. Darcy"
Mr. Darcy: "Then what endearments am I allowed?"
Elizabeth: "Well let me think; 'Lizzie' for everyday,
'My Pearl' for Sundays, and
'Goddess Divine' - but only on very special occasions."
Mr. Darcy: "And what shall I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy?"
Elizabeth: "No, no. You may only call me Mrs. Darcy when you are completely and perfectly and incandescently happy."
Mr. Darcy: "And how are you this evening, Mrs. Darcy?" (kiss)
"Mrs. Darcy" (kiss), "Mrs. Darcy" (kiss) (final scene- Pride and Prejudice)
"THE NOTEBOOK"
"Let Me Teach You How To Dance"
"When You Taught Me How To Dance"
"When you taught me how to dance
Years ago, with misty eyes,
Every step and silent glance,
Every move, a sweet surprise.
Someone must have taught you well,
To beguiles and to entrance,
For that night you cast your spell,
And you taught me how to dance.
Like reflections in a lake
I recall what went before
As I give, I'll learn to take
And will be alone no more.
Other lights may light my way
I may even find romance
But I won't forget that night
When you taught me how to dance.
Cold winds blow,
But up on those hills you'll find me
And I know you're walking right behind me,
When you taught me how to dance
Years ago, with misty eyes,
Every step and silent glance,
Every move a sweep surprise.
Someone must have taught you well,
To beguile and to entrance,
For that night you cast your spell,
And you taught me how to dance." (from the movie Miss Potter)
My favorite things go on forever. I love bunnies, boats, babies and boys. I love music, movies, love, and kissing. Love to dance, to swim, to laugh till I cry. So I leave you this lovely day with just a few of my favorite things.
I'll be back soon. I hope you will join me and share some of your favorites with me too!!! Elle
I'll be back soon. I hope you will join me and share some of your favorites with me too!!! Elle
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I'm no quitter!
I believe I left you last Thursday as I tried to tough out the side effects of a new medication.
Being sick and getting well take hard work. When you're sick it's difficult to find the strength or the will to fight the fight.
I've been sick before. Years of chronic arthritis pain left my dreadful of facing the day. It was such a struggle to dress, to walk, to pick up my babies.
Several years later I developed a rare condition that prevented me from sleeping for over 3 years. I struggled with a racing heart beat, low blood pressure and constant pain in my legs. I had no strength to walk up stairs, shop or play.
These were declared "lifelong" conditions. I'm so thankful that I proved the doctors otherwise.
The depression I suffer with today is different from the depression I suffered years ago. It is deeper and darker. Though it is different, more difficult and has stolen over 2 years of my life, I continue the fight. I am more certain than ever that the end is near.
I no longer want to die. I encourage myself over and over with my new found affirmation: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important" (The Help). I am determined to find the right medications to repair the imbalance in my brain (again). I've been down this road of trial and error and I'm no quitter.
I believe my age, the sufferings of life and the pounding of loss have caused this fight to be the most difficult on my mind and my body.
The side effects I suffered from on Thursday, the dilated eyes, dizziness and diorientation, are still with me.
But Thursdays problems grew and became very serious.
By Sat. afternoon I stopped urinating. I was up all night that night trying warm baths, showers, anything!!! By 8:30 Sunday morning (16 hours later) I knew I was headed to the emergency room.
I was blessed that we went to a small hospital and they got to me within 2 hours. The catheterized me and sent me home which wasn't a very good idea.
Unfortunately we were back within 4 hours and I was all but screaming in agony.
I have a high threshold for pain but I had reached my limit.
They cathetered me again, called a urologist, poison control, my family doctor and the psychiatrist who wrote the original prescription. They should have done all that the first time around and things wouldn't have gotten so out of control.
They were preparing me to go home with the folley bag but
I was still in unbearable pain. I knew I could not make it 48 hours with that bag of torture attached to my body!!
I had a major panic attack and cried to my husband "I can't do this". Those aren't words he hears often from me concerning my physical health. I am a strong willed, 'do it my way' type person. I had all 5 of my babies 100% naturally. I had one at home with a midwife, had stitches with no anesthesia and never once said "I can't do this".
My husband proceeded to explain to the doctor that the reason I am taking the new medication is for severe depression that is accompanied by major anxiety. But seeing me have a complete meltdown w/panic attack was what it took before someone finally believed me and decided they'd better do something and FAST!
5 min. later I was getting a shot for pain and a nice large dose of Valium.
I was sent home with 2 prescriptions for pain and one for infection.
Thank you kindly, what the hell took you so long!!!
I made it through the remainder of Labor Day Weekend without any other major set backs. I even managed to shower Monday afternoon, tie my tubes to my leg and have lunch at my mother-in-laws. Then we spent an hour sitting by the water at my favorite park enjoying the cool breeze. I enjoyed it so much. It felt so good to feel sun on my body and the breeze in my hair.
Then we came home to watch three episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I felt like I'd been wined, dined and pampered as my husband kept me comfy, fed and entertained.
It is times like this weekend when I realize how difficult, lonely and nearly impossible it would be to walk away from this man who dotes on me and takes such very, very good care of me.
Life's a bitch sometimes. I'm a bitch lots of the time.
I want something, then I don't. I don't want something and then I do. I'm happy and fun and then I can turn on a dime and bite your hand off.
I obviously have a long way to go before "You is kind" becomes part of who I really am. But I'm no quitter.
I still have to try another medication and risk the side effects. But I'm no quitter.
I want my cake and I expect to eat it too. I'm stubborn and strong-willed, yet weak and frightened. I am an oxi-moron on soooo many levels!!! I never know what tomorrow will hold or which version of me is going to open her eyes in the morning. But I'm no quitter! (at least not today)
Love to all, elle
This song is exactly the opposite of what I wrote about today. Today was a day to declare I will survive. A reminder of the good man who loves me, cares for me and has dedicated his life to me.
But my life is still very confused. There is the truth of a good man on one side and the truth of another good man on the other side.
This song reminds me so much of the songs I sang as a young teenager when everything was so emotion driven (LOL! as if I'm not emotion driven now!!!).
I love the song and remember singing it at the top of my lungs as I cried on the beach. Heartbroken over some lost love I don't even remember now.
The beach;
where I found love, lost love, made love and walked away from Love.
Love surrounds me now and I've chosen to taste, see and enjoy it all. To not let one moment be wasted. I never knew that Love would find me again. I do not know how long it will stay or how big a hole it will leave when it's gone. So for now I choose Love. I walked away once.
Now I'm standing in the surf, f2f, toes touching, north to south. This time I won't be the one who walks away.
"Without You" harry nilsson
http://youtu.be/MKqenACEPa8
"No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give anymore
I can't live if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore
No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows"
"No, I can't forget tomorrow when I think of all your sorrow, when I had you there but then I let you go. And now it's only fair that I should let you know, what you should know."
I'm sorry that I forgot. Even more that I was so cruel, "You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows." I can't go back and redo, it wouldn't work if I could. So let me kiss away that sorrow and replace the memories of hurt with ones of joy. You are my Love.
Being sick and getting well take hard work. When you're sick it's difficult to find the strength or the will to fight the fight.
I've been sick before. Years of chronic arthritis pain left my dreadful of facing the day. It was such a struggle to dress, to walk, to pick up my babies.
Several years later I developed a rare condition that prevented me from sleeping for over 3 years. I struggled with a racing heart beat, low blood pressure and constant pain in my legs. I had no strength to walk up stairs, shop or play.
These were declared "lifelong" conditions. I'm so thankful that I proved the doctors otherwise.
The depression I suffer with today is different from the depression I suffered years ago. It is deeper and darker. Though it is different, more difficult and has stolen over 2 years of my life, I continue the fight. I am more certain than ever that the end is near.
I no longer want to die. I encourage myself over and over with my new found affirmation: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important" (The Help). I am determined to find the right medications to repair the imbalance in my brain (again). I've been down this road of trial and error and I'm no quitter.
I believe my age, the sufferings of life and the pounding of loss have caused this fight to be the most difficult on my mind and my body.
The side effects I suffered from on Thursday, the dilated eyes, dizziness and diorientation, are still with me.
But Thursdays problems grew and became very serious.
By Sat. afternoon I stopped urinating. I was up all night that night trying warm baths, showers, anything!!! By 8:30 Sunday morning (16 hours later) I knew I was headed to the emergency room.
I was blessed that we went to a small hospital and they got to me within 2 hours. The catheterized me and sent me home which wasn't a very good idea.
Unfortunately we were back within 4 hours and I was all but screaming in agony.
I have a high threshold for pain but I had reached my limit.
They cathetered me again, called a urologist, poison control, my family doctor and the psychiatrist who wrote the original prescription. They should have done all that the first time around and things wouldn't have gotten so out of control.
They were preparing me to go home with the folley bag but
I was still in unbearable pain. I knew I could not make it 48 hours with that bag of torture attached to my body!!
I had a major panic attack and cried to my husband "I can't do this". Those aren't words he hears often from me concerning my physical health. I am a strong willed, 'do it my way' type person. I had all 5 of my babies 100% naturally. I had one at home with a midwife, had stitches with no anesthesia and never once said "I can't do this".
My husband proceeded to explain to the doctor that the reason I am taking the new medication is for severe depression that is accompanied by major anxiety. But seeing me have a complete meltdown w/panic attack was what it took before someone finally believed me and decided they'd better do something and FAST!
5 min. later I was getting a shot for pain and a nice large dose of Valium.
I was sent home with 2 prescriptions for pain and one for infection.
Thank you kindly, what the hell took you so long!!!
I made it through the remainder of Labor Day Weekend without any other major set backs. I even managed to shower Monday afternoon, tie my tubes to my leg and have lunch at my mother-in-laws. Then we spent an hour sitting by the water at my favorite park enjoying the cool breeze. I enjoyed it so much. It felt so good to feel sun on my body and the breeze in my hair.
Then we came home to watch three episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I felt like I'd been wined, dined and pampered as my husband kept me comfy, fed and entertained.
It is times like this weekend when I realize how difficult, lonely and nearly impossible it would be to walk away from this man who dotes on me and takes such very, very good care of me.
Life's a bitch sometimes. I'm a bitch lots of the time.
I want something, then I don't. I don't want something and then I do. I'm happy and fun and then I can turn on a dime and bite your hand off.
I obviously have a long way to go before "You is kind" becomes part of who I really am. But I'm no quitter.
I still have to try another medication and risk the side effects. But I'm no quitter.
I want my cake and I expect to eat it too. I'm stubborn and strong-willed, yet weak and frightened. I am an oxi-moron on soooo many levels!!! I never know what tomorrow will hold or which version of me is going to open her eyes in the morning. But I'm no quitter! (at least not today)
Love to all, elle
This song is exactly the opposite of what I wrote about today. Today was a day to declare I will survive. A reminder of the good man who loves me, cares for me and has dedicated his life to me.
But my life is still very confused. There is the truth of a good man on one side and the truth of another good man on the other side.
This song reminds me so much of the songs I sang as a young teenager when everything was so emotion driven (LOL! as if I'm not emotion driven now!!!).
I love the song and remember singing it at the top of my lungs as I cried on the beach. Heartbroken over some lost love I don't even remember now.
The beach;
where I found love, lost love, made love and walked away from Love.
Love surrounds me now and I've chosen to taste, see and enjoy it all. To not let one moment be wasted. I never knew that Love would find me again. I do not know how long it will stay or how big a hole it will leave when it's gone. So for now I choose Love. I walked away once.
Now I'm standing in the surf, f2f, toes touching, north to south. This time I won't be the one who walks away.
"Without You" harry nilsson
http://youtu.be/MKqenACEPa8
"No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give anymore
I can't live if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore
No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows"
"No, I can't forget tomorrow when I think of all your sorrow, when I had you there but then I let you go. And now it's only fair that I should let you know, what you should know."
I'm sorry that I forgot. Even more that I was so cruel, "You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows." I can't go back and redo, it wouldn't work if I could. So let me kiss away that sorrow and replace the memories of hurt with ones of joy. You are my Love.
"Hey baby, I love you..."
"Hey baby, I love you
Hey baby, I need you
Hey baby, you ain't got prove to me
You're some kinda of macho man
You've wasted so much of you life
Runnin' through the dark night
Let me shine some love light
Down on that blues man"
"Blues Man" alan jackson & hank williams jr
http://youtu.be/kN1y5gTMfTQ
I won't dishonor your song by givin' my opinion of which verses remind me of you or which "she" 'stuck it out' and 'hung in there.'
I only know this "she" loves you and needs you. Thinks you're a number one mans kind of man who treats me gentle and kind.
"You make me laugh when the tears would fall,
Protected me from another's call
And if you play for me you know I'll fall
Forever under your spell." L.E.
I won't dishonor your song by givin' my opinion of which verses remind me of you or which "she" 'stuck it out' and 'hung in there.'
I only know this "she" loves you and needs you. Thinks you're a number one mans kind of man who treats me gentle and kind.
"You make me laugh when the tears would fall,
Protected me from another's call
And if you play for me you know I'll fall
Forever under your spell." L.E.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I'm under house arrest for DUID
I'm under house arrest. It seems that I have been seriously impaired by my new meds. So if I drove, which I don't think I can, I would be driving Under the Influence of Drugs.
"I don't feel very good." I told my husband at lunch. "Would you check my eyes?"
So he got a pen and I got an in-house, field sobriety test which only lasted through the eye exam.
He's laughing, "You're plastered! If you need something wait for me to get home and I'll take care of it. DO NOT DRIVE!"
No arguments from me. I can feel that my head is kinda spinning and I'm really sleepy and I don't want to walk across the house, let alone drive. I just want a nap, but when I lay down the room starts spinning.
But I will have to drive sooner or later. My body and brain will adjust and make allowances for the side effects. I've always been very sensitive to medication and I'm very in-tune to my body. If something is off I know it.
A few weeks ago I went out for a nice long dinner with a friend, my son, his wife, their 3 year old and 2 ladies from church. We were celebrating a birthday. 3 of us had a beer. We ate and talked for well over an hour. Then we drove to a local coffee shop where we drank coffee, ate cake and talked another 2 hours. Then I drove the 45 minutes home. I felt fine.
If I had felt like I feel now I would never have driven
OMG! You would have thought I drank a fifth of tequila, jumped in my car, sped home and hit 2 pedestrians in the process.
My husband was livid. How could I drink and drive? Why would I drink in front of our son? Didn't we agree that there would be no more alcohol and especially not in front of the kids?
Well first, our son is not a kid. He may be our baby but he's 24. He is mature, married, 2nd baby on the way, and NOT a heavy drinker.
Second, I was not drinking and driving. I had one beer. Waited over an hour drove 10 minutes and drank coffee for another hour and a half before driving home. And NO, I did not agree. I listened to you rant and rave, I gave my opinion on social drinking and how it applied to me and I made no promises and gave no indication that I was going to submit to your beliefs.
Fast forward 2 weeks. My husband is out of town overnight. I buy a 6 pack, bring it home and drink 2. I am home alone so no one to corrupt. It is Friday night so I won't smell of alcohol when he gets home on Saturday (the smell makes him nauseous).
I did not drive, I did not do it in front of our kids, I did it when he wouldn't be offended by the smell.
Sounded perfect to me. NOT!!!!!!
When he came in early Sat. evening he went straight to the frig to see if the unopened bottle of wine I've had for over 3 months was still there.
A total freak out followed!
It took 3 days before he could sleep. Which meant it took 3 days before I could sleep because of his pacing and agitation and constant attacks.
But I stood my ground. I had not done anything illegal or immoral. I am an adult. I can weigh the pros and cons of a situation and make an informed decision about my feelings and beliefs. I do not need nor will I continue to be controlled at every move I make without permission.
Several ugly, ugly confrontations later I was informed that he just didn't know what to do since I didn't love him enough to honor his request. And when was the old Elle coming back? To which I replied, "never. I don't want her back. She was unhappy and unhealthy. I don't know what the final me is going to be like but she will be able to think for herself, love and respect herself while also loving and respecting you."
More ugly words and a major, red faced screaming me that he later shared had scared him. And he was sorry that I had to go to such extremes to be heard.
We were sitting at the table a couple of days ago. All has been forgiven. Neither of us really sure what's next. He hates alcohol, I love a good cold beer or a glass of red wine occasionally.
But we've been having fun again. Laughing, loving, sharing and close.
He looks at me and says "I think I'm going to like the new elle".
I think we all are.
"Getting Some Fun Out Of Life" billie holiday
http://youtu.be/q5KXU9KTmbM
"When we want to love, we love
When we want to kiss, we kiss
With a little petting, we're getting
Some fun out of life
When we want to work, we work
When we want to play, we play
In a happy setting, we're getting
Some fun out of life
Maybe we do the right things
Maybe we do the wrong
Spending each day
Just wending out way along
When we want to sing, we sing
When we want to dance, we dance
You can do our betting, we're getting
Some fun out of life
Maybe we do the right things
Maybe we do the wrong
Spending each day
Just wending our way along
But when we want to sing, we sing
When we want to dance, we dance
You can do you're betting, we're getting
Some fun out of life."
Great song!!!!
No matter who you are;
"It's time to be getting some fun out of life"!!!
Have a great one and "remember not to forget me", elle
"I don't feel very good." I told my husband at lunch. "Would you check my eyes?"
So he got a pen and I got an in-house, field sobriety test which only lasted through the eye exam.
He's laughing, "You're plastered! If you need something wait for me to get home and I'll take care of it. DO NOT DRIVE!"
No arguments from me. I can feel that my head is kinda spinning and I'm really sleepy and I don't want to walk across the house, let alone drive. I just want a nap, but when I lay down the room starts spinning.
But I will have to drive sooner or later. My body and brain will adjust and make allowances for the side effects. I've always been very sensitive to medication and I'm very in-tune to my body. If something is off I know it.
A few weeks ago I went out for a nice long dinner with a friend, my son, his wife, their 3 year old and 2 ladies from church. We were celebrating a birthday. 3 of us had a beer. We ate and talked for well over an hour. Then we drove to a local coffee shop where we drank coffee, ate cake and talked another 2 hours. Then I drove the 45 minutes home. I felt fine.
If I had felt like I feel now I would never have driven
OMG! You would have thought I drank a fifth of tequila, jumped in my car, sped home and hit 2 pedestrians in the process.
My husband was livid. How could I drink and drive? Why would I drink in front of our son? Didn't we agree that there would be no more alcohol and especially not in front of the kids?
Well first, our son is not a kid. He may be our baby but he's 24. He is mature, married, 2nd baby on the way, and NOT a heavy drinker.
Second, I was not drinking and driving. I had one beer. Waited over an hour drove 10 minutes and drank coffee for another hour and a half before driving home. And NO, I did not agree. I listened to you rant and rave, I gave my opinion on social drinking and how it applied to me and I made no promises and gave no indication that I was going to submit to your beliefs.
Fast forward 2 weeks. My husband is out of town overnight. I buy a 6 pack, bring it home and drink 2. I am home alone so no one to corrupt. It is Friday night so I won't smell of alcohol when he gets home on Saturday (the smell makes him nauseous).
I did not drive, I did not do it in front of our kids, I did it when he wouldn't be offended by the smell.
Sounded perfect to me. NOT!!!!!!
When he came in early Sat. evening he went straight to the frig to see if the unopened bottle of wine I've had for over 3 months was still there.
A total freak out followed!
It took 3 days before he could sleep. Which meant it took 3 days before I could sleep because of his pacing and agitation and constant attacks.
But I stood my ground. I had not done anything illegal or immoral. I am an adult. I can weigh the pros and cons of a situation and make an informed decision about my feelings and beliefs. I do not need nor will I continue to be controlled at every move I make without permission.
Several ugly, ugly confrontations later I was informed that he just didn't know what to do since I didn't love him enough to honor his request. And when was the old Elle coming back? To which I replied, "never. I don't want her back. She was unhappy and unhealthy. I don't know what the final me is going to be like but she will be able to think for herself, love and respect herself while also loving and respecting you."
More ugly words and a major, red faced screaming me that he later shared had scared him. And he was sorry that I had to go to such extremes to be heard.
We were sitting at the table a couple of days ago. All has been forgiven. Neither of us really sure what's next. He hates alcohol, I love a good cold beer or a glass of red wine occasionally.
But we've been having fun again. Laughing, loving, sharing and close.
He looks at me and says "I think I'm going to like the new elle".
I think we all are.
"Getting Some Fun Out Of Life" billie holiday
http://youtu.be/q5KXU9KTmbM
"When we want to love, we love
When we want to kiss, we kiss
With a little petting, we're getting
Some fun out of life
When we want to work, we work
When we want to play, we play
In a happy setting, we're getting
Some fun out of life
Maybe we do the right things
Maybe we do the wrong
Spending each day
Just wending out way along
When we want to sing, we sing
When we want to dance, we dance
You can do our betting, we're getting
Some fun out of life
Maybe we do the right things
Maybe we do the wrong
Spending each day
Just wending our way along
But when we want to sing, we sing
When we want to dance, we dance
You can do you're betting, we're getting
Some fun out of life."
Great song!!!!
No matter who you are;
"It's time to be getting some fun out of life"!!!
Have a great one and "remember not to forget me", elle
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