It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I'm no quitter!

I believe I left you last Thursday as I tried to tough out the side effects of a new medication.
Being sick and getting well take hard work. When you're sick it's difficult to find the strength or the will to fight the fight.
I've been sick before. Years of chronic arthritis pain left my dreadful of facing the day. It was such a struggle to dress, to walk, to pick up my babies.

Several years later I developed a rare condition that prevented me from sleeping for over 3 years. I struggled with a racing heart beat, low blood pressure and constant pain in my legs. I had no strength to walk up stairs, shop or play.
These were declared "lifelong" conditions. I'm so thankful that I proved the doctors otherwise.

The depression I suffer with today is different from the depression I suffered years ago. It is deeper and darker. Though it is different, more difficult and has stolen over 2 years of my life, I continue the fight. I am more certain than ever that the end is near. 

I no longer want to die. I encourage myself over and over with my new found affirmation: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important" (The Help). I am determined to find the right medications to repair the imbalance in my brain (again). I've been down this road of trial and error and I'm no quitter.

I believe my age, the sufferings of life and the pounding of loss have caused this fight to be the most difficult on my mind and my body.
The side effects I suffered from on Thursday, the dilated eyes, dizziness and diorientation, are still with me. 
But Thursdays problems grew and became very serious.

By Sat. afternoon I stopped urinating. I was up all night that night trying warm baths, showers, anything!!! By 8:30 Sunday morning (16 hours later) I knew I was headed to the emergency room.

I was blessed that we went to a small hospital and they got to me within 2 hours. The catheterized me and sent me home which wasn't a very good idea.
Unfortunately we were back within 4 hours and I was all but screaming in agony.
I have a high threshold for pain but I had reached my limit.

They cathetered me again, called a urologist, poison control, my family doctor and the psychiatrist who wrote the original prescription. They should have done all that the first time around and things wouldn't have gotten so out of control. 

They were preparing me to go home with the folley bag but

I was still in unbearable pain. I knew I could not make it 48 hours with that bag of torture attached to my body!!
I had a major panic attack and cried to my husband "I can't do this". Those aren't words he hears often from me concerning my physical health. I am a strong willed, 'do it my way' type person. I had all 5 of my babies 100% naturally. I had one at home with a midwife, had stitches with no anesthesia and never once said "I can't do this".

My husband proceeded to explain to the doctor that the reason I am taking the new medication is for severe depression that is accompanied by major anxiety. But seeing me have a complete meltdown w/panic attack was what it took before someone finally believed me and decided they'd better do something and FAST!
5 min. later I was getting a shot for pain and a nice large dose of Valium.
I was sent home with 2 prescriptions for pain and one for infection.
Thank you kindly, what the hell took you so long!!!

I made it through the remainder of Labor Day Weekend without any other major set backs. I even managed to shower Monday afternoon,  tie my tubes to my leg and have lunch at my mother-in-laws. Then we spent an hour sitting by the water at my favorite park enjoying the cool breeze. I enjoyed it so much. It felt so good to feel sun on my body and the breeze in my hair.

Then we came home to watch three episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I felt like I'd been wined, dined and pampered as my husband kept me comfy, fed and entertained.
It is times like this weekend when I realize how difficult, lonely and nearly impossible it would be to walk away from this man who dotes on me and takes such very, very good care of me.

Life's a bitch sometimes. I'm a bitch lots of the time.
I want something, then I don't. I don't want something and then I do. I'm happy and fun and then I can turn on a dime and bite your hand off.
I obviously have a long way to go before "You is kind" becomes part of who I really am. But I'm no quitter.

I still have to try another medication and risk the side effects. But I'm no quitter.

I want my cake and I expect to eat it too. I'm stubborn and strong-willed, yet weak and frightened. I am an oxi-moron on soooo many levels!!! I never know what tomorrow will hold or which version of me is going to open her eyes in the morning. But I'm no quitter! (at least not today)

Love to all, elle 

This song is exactly the opposite of what I wrote about today. Today was a day to declare I will survive. A reminder of the good man who loves me, cares for  me and has dedicated his life to me.

But my  life is still very confused. There is the truth of a good man on one side and the truth of another good man on the other side.
This song reminds me so much of the songs I sang as a young teenager when everything was so emotion driven (LOL! as if I'm not emotion driven now!!!). 

I love the song and remember singing it at the top of my lungs as I cried on the beach. Heartbroken over some lost love I don't even remember now. 

The beach;
where I found love, lost love, made love and walked away from Love.

Love surrounds me now and I've chosen to taste, see and enjoy it all. To not let one moment be wasted. I never knew that Love would find me again. I do not know how long it will stay or how big a hole it will leave when it's gone. So for now I choose Love. I walked away once.

Now I'm standing in the surf, f2f, toes touching, north to south. This time I won't be the one who walks away.

"Without You" harry nilsson

"No, I can't forget this evening
  Or your face as you were leaving
  But I guess that's just the way the story goes
  You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
  Yes, it shows

  No, I can't forget tomorrow
  When I think of all my sorrow
  When I had you there but then I let you go
  And now it's only fair that I should let you know
  What you should know

  I can't live if living is without you
  I can't live, I can't give anymore
  I can't live if living is without you
  I can't give, I can't give anymore

  No, I can't forget this evening 
  Or your face as you were leaving
  But I guess that's just the way the story goes
  You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
  Yes, it shows"

"No, I can't forget tomorrow when I think of all your sorrow, when I had you there but then I let you go. And now it's only fair that I should let you know, what you should know."
I'm sorry that I forgot. Even more that I was so cruel, "You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows." I can't go back and redo, it wouldn't work if I could. So let me kiss away that sorrow and replace the memories of hurt with ones of joy. You are my Love.

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