The year was 1975...

"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"  bee gees
http://youtu.be/niqfrFSFlZ0

The year was 1975...
A summer of boats and bikini's, concerts and kisses..
Of toes in the sand, east to west...
When music rocked, we were free...
And things that could've been ...somehow  weren't.

Now memories linger, some questions have answers, but not the "why's??"
And some things never change... like broken hearts
Whether we're 14 or 54...
They still hurt. And the pain feels like it will never end.

BUT when I weigh the pro's and con's...
"I would rather have had you for a whisper in time than not at all ♥".

Not because it doesn't hurt to lose you, it hurts like hell.

But what I gained in that whisper of time changed me for the better. It changed me forever.
I can fly higher, smile bigger, laugh often, love deeper.

All I needed was someone to accept me for who I was, which gave me the freedom to become sooo much more :).
Yes, it was worth it all.

You were the key that opened my cage and set this heart free... to soar!

"I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow."

But I can also hear the song of the black bird, the clouds and your laughter.
I smile, and I ache.
I haven't found a way to do one without the other.

"Smiling through the tears,
Walking through the fears,
Loving you through the years."

There are some things I just can't change.
There are some I just want to keep forever.
You are both.
elle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just another verse in your looong song.

It's only been 8 days since I said my final "goodbye", but it feels like an eternity. Surely months or at least weeks have passed.
Moments of melancholic loneliness rush over me like waves.
Only pride prevents me from reaching out to "Touch You For Awhile".

There was a time when I thought I could make you smile. Thought I had something "new" to offer.

"I don't hardly know you,
But I'd be willin' to show you,
I know a way to make you smile.
Just let me whisper things,
You've never heard before.
Just let me touch you for awhile."

This was one of the first songs I sent you. How embarassing that I didn't watch the video first. The song meant so much to me but the video was ALL wrong! :).

I was such a newbie to everything (YouTube, texting, phone pictures, secrets, desire...)
I was so clueless to so much.
Just like the girl from so long ago, the woman was still wounded, running, hiding.
I think I was ripe for the picking but I had no idea that somewhere inside I had been waiting.
Waiting for permission. Waiting for acceptance.
I thought after all the years of rejection and conforming that change and growth were impossible.
You cracked the door and I came running out "like someone had left the gate open".

Everything about you was fresh, new and exciting to me!!
I just knew we were destined to find each other.
I just knew I was "one of kind" in your life.
I was wrong.

You were "one of a kind" to me. The kind I could never let go.
But I think I was just another verse in your very looong song.
A song you've played before, only changing the names and dates.

The rain is coming. I can see the clouds in the distance.

Is today the day???

"Wondering...
will you ever drop by again to say "Hi"?
are you ready for my final "goodbye"?
will today be the day?

I miss the quiet of the water and the beat of your heart.
I HATE this silence!! It is pushing me away.
Distance...
will today be the day?"

http://youtu.be/QkmMzKIFNyo

"EVERYBODY"  ingrid michaelson

We have fallen down again tonight
In this world it’s hard to get it right
Try to make your heart feel like a glove
What it needs is love, love, love

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open up your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

Everybody feels the love
Everybody steals the love,
Everybody heals with love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, just let the love, love, love begin

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh, oh, oh, Just let the love, love, love begin

I chose to make today the day. I couldn't stand the silence.
I wrote a final "good-bye", but the words just didn't come out right.
Silence is now the rule.
No more "do-overs".
Everything feels empty.























     

Loosing to Gain

"Loosing to Gain" sums up much of my life lately.

I've lost so much in the past. Now it is time to look at it in a new light.
I'm not losing, I'm gaining.
It's not being ripped from me, I'm letting it go.

But it still feels like it's being ripped.
I don't really want to let go. I want to hold on.
Things in the past that were stollen from me and things in the present that I am choosing to let go of still feel like loss. They feel the same.
They are things that define who I am.
But when I look at them honestly I have to ask "Is this really who I want to be?"

Supposedly I'm letting go of the excess, the ties that bind, in order to be free.
But I don't feel free. I feel empty. I feel loss.
There is a saying on FaceBook "The truth will set you free...but first it will piss you off."

It did.
But my outward anger is always short lived.
Quickly it is replaced with inward anger: depression
But I've learned that with time neither anger nor depression are permanent.

Truth...
a place of freedom....a place of peace....is never permanent either.
Not yet.
Finding and loosing peace, and the happiness that comes with it, is as painful as living without it.

Remind me again what I'm gaining. I'm very familiar with what I'm loosing....

"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE"

This saying haunts me lately.
I see it posted all over FaceBook, Pinterest, etc and I want to scream "HOW?!!"
It not that I don't know who I am (which I don't), but anytime I identify a missing part of me it is greeted with a quick and deadly "STOP!!!"
"STOP airing yourself on FB, STOP being negative, STOP acting like someone else and be who we expect you to be!!!"

That's the biggie: "be who we expect you to be"
I can handle it from those who are shallow, don't know me and never will, but it's tough when it's from those who do and always will.
In all honesty and fairness they are the ones who most want to see me happy
But they can't stand the heat from the kitchen. Instead of them leaving, they feel obligated to stay and support my "journey". But in truth what they are saying is "you get out of the kitchen. It's too hot and dangerous in there."

They are right. It is hot. It is dangerous.
But it's my choice to journey on and I need a safe place to "be".

I have no place to go where I can be true.
I come here when I feel like I'm going to explode, but it is just another of many hiding places. When I go back to the real world, I must leave Elle behind.
I have no place. I am "adrift".

"I AM AN EMPTY HULL ADRIFT IN A RAGING SEA" elle

Let the music begin:
"Don't make me close one more door, I don't wanna hurt anymore."

"I Have Nothing" whitney houston
http://youtu.be/4_4yFe0pmKw


"Share my life, take me for what I am
'cause I'll never change all my colors for you."
Out of this entire song that I supposedly "love", there are only a few lines that speak to me and breaking them down is scary as hell.

"Share my life, take me for what I am
'cause I'll never change all my colors for you." ,
"I won't hold it back again, this passion inside.
Can't run from myself
There's nowhere to hide.",
"Well, don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore."

I had decided to make this blog more "acceptable".
In other words, should my friends or family stumble across it I wouldn't embarrass myself or them.

In truth that's just another form of hiding.
The 3 lines from this song that I wrote out are what I would say to all those who want to change me, fix me, make me fit the mold.
"Don't make me close one more door (of who I really am), I don't want to hurt anymore (and it's killing me, this constant attempt to morph for you.)

What I really feel is totally unacceptable. 
"Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there?
You see through, right to the heart of me,
You break down my walls with the strength of your love.
I never knew love like I've known it with you.
Will a memory survive, one i can hold on to?"

But that's not being true to myself either.
I'm saying it to a memory, to the hope of a memory. Something not real, except in my broken heart.

I have been willing to be whatever was required out of the terror of this one truth:
"I have nothing, nothing, nothing...
If I don't have you."

But what I really don't have is anything, if i don't have me."

New music, New year

It's been awhile. I've been following the old saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything."
I've been very quiet the last 2 months! :)

I was scouting around today and found some great 'new to me' music.

I asked myself, "who can I share this with?" No one.
But that's not true, I have you!

So I'd like to wish you a very Happy New Year. May this year be good to you and for you, elle.


"It Not You It's Me" the little willies
http://youtu.be/3wO4yjyiPOQ

"Well, I just can't keep going alone
Making believe that nothing's wrong
It's wrong and it's only gonna be

Nothing you did in any way
Nothing you said or didn't say
It's not you, baby, it's me

So keep on being long and tall
Keep on talking with the same ole drawl
Keep on, baby, don't you trip and fall over me

The pedals on the daisy drop
You loved me then, you love me not
You love me not, it's plain to see

Who keeps the fire burning bright
The one who's losing sleep at night
It's ain't you, but baby, it's me

So, keep the rose you never brought
Keep that ring that you never bought
It's all my fault, it's all my fantasy

Oh, but I can't give you no more of myself
Cause I'm looking out for somebody else
It ain't you, baby, but it's me

Oh, but I can't give you no more of myself
Cause I'm looking out for somebody else
It ain't you, but baby, it's me"

I've never heard of The Little Willies but I'm a big fan of Norah Jones and I love country. Put them all together on a new CD called "Good Times" and it's a must have for me.
I was really impressed with this next song. It's a remake of the old Dolly Parton song "Jolene". They did it proud! I think you'll enjoy the video too. I love to watch good musicians in action. ENJOY!


"Jolene" the little willies
http://youtu.be/M3d8KobWVwk



It's so nice to be back.
I'm going to put on more good music and do some editing on my past posts. It's time to do a little house cleaning. Time to weed out the things that are damaging to my reputation without sacrificing the heart of my journey.
Wish me luck :).


 

"Loneliness leaves me hollow with knowing

Knowing leaves me empty with dread

Dread leaves me gasping

Breathe, just breathe" 

elle

"Because you have occasional 

low spells of despondency, 

don't despair.

The sun has a sinking spell every night

but it rises again 

all right the next morning."

Henry Van Dyke

Today I'm thankful 

there are only 7 "mini" Snickers bars

 left in the jar.

It's creepy how those things 

keep calling my name!

Day 3; I Am Thankful for my new body...

Thank you! 

This is a first!
The first good thing that has come from my perfect storm is my new body.
19 months ago I got motivated and started losing weight.

I'm now 35 lbs lighter and have dropped 3 sizes in jeans.

Some people say "wow, you've lost weight!" to which I reply "thank you for noticing!!! :) :) :)

Some people say "wow, you look GREAT!" to which I lie, "thank you, I feel great!" :)

Some people just stand there and look at me and I can tell they're not real sure what it is, BUT something is different. I just smile!!

Things to remember:

This is not my first time to lose weight,

I'm not where I want to be,

I will never be in my 20's, 30's or 40's again,

I'm not to old to be SEXY!!!,

I can wear a bikini, but not like I wore it 36 years ago,

What motivates me might not motivate you,

I can do hard things!

How did I do it??
I lost over 85 pounds about 25 years ago. I was the mother of 4 and heavy.

I lost all my weight using a book called "Lower Your Fat Thermostat".
Actually, I lost it all using the cookbook. Chicken and broccoli, chicken and broccoli...

I had to CHANGE MY LIFE-STYLE!

The premise of the book is that your body thinks that it should weigh a certain amount. Lose some weight and your thermostat will kick in and you feel like you're starved! It needs you to be at your "set weight".


SECRET; Lower the thermostat.

The book is all about lifestyle changes.
Everything in my pantry had to be weeded out and replaced.
I walked every day. EVERY DAY, rain or shine, cold or hot.
I had to re-learn to cook.
My cajun heritage of white rice and oil based gravy with every meal had to be laid aside.
No gumbo, crawfish etouffe, no dessert with every meal...
But the program does not believe in hunger.
I ate well, I ate often, I ate as much as I wanted. I did NOT go hungry.


Sounds so easy. NOT!!! I've been required to do some major difficult stuff in my life, but losing weight is at the top of the HARD TO DO list!!

Weight loss is different for everyone but for me it is all in my mind. I didn't mind or care what I looked like so when I would consider losing a few pounds I would always find something I liked more; like bread or dessert! Lots of bread and lots of desserts!!

I hit "mid life" like a brick wall. Unfortunately it followed immediately after losing my home to a hurricane, and 50 years of tough life stuff! I didn't like what I saw in the mirrow. I remembered the cute, sexy little thing I was in my halters, daisy dukes and bikini's before I married.
19 months ago I was neither cute nor little and most of my body hadn't seen the sun in 33 years but all of a sudden I cared. I cared big time!!
I didn't want to be a frumpy 50 year OLD woman. I wanted to be cute, tiny and sexy (and my time was running out!)
That's called motivation!!!

Now, this is what motivates me:

  

Going from a tight 14 to a tight 8, and I like this a lot!

I've still got fat. 

I still have "love handles" and cellulite.
And I've got a scar from my belly button, down...

But I am NOT fat. 

I just have more fat to lose.

My motives are not always pure,

but I'm purely happy with being admired, 

looked over, and desired!

I have tasted SEXY, 

and no piece of bread, bag of M&M's or CinnABon w/nuts

can compete with the way that word tastes!

So where did I start?
I started with giving up everything white. It wasn't as difficult this time because brown rice, whole wheat bread, turbinado, no MSG, no trans fat were already a part of my life.

What I had to give up was portion size and sugar.

So that's where I started. No white, no sugar & portion control.
I filled in with popcorn (made the old fashioned way, in a pot w/nearly no oil), yogurt w/granola and fruit.

I treated myself to 2 fat free devil's food cookies a day to satisfy the sugar cravings. Now I rarely eat 2 a week. I just don't crave sugar now that my system has detoxed. My stomach has shrunk so portion control is now easy too.

It gets easier!
I knew that from experience.

I took it one step at a time.

My current fight is "unrealistic expectations".
It took me weeks to get up the nerve to take a picture of my body with my scar and all the other perceived imperfections.

I'll be honest; I really want to look 16 again. 
I have to go way back because I had my first baby at 17. So it's been a long, long time since my body was perfect. (as perfect as you can get when you're not "model" material!

When I look in the mirror I don't see my cute size 8 butt, I see the extra fat on my hips and the fact that my legs giggle when I walk.
"Unrealistic expectations" 

I can wear this!

I have a waist again!!!

I am a hot, sexy beach babe again!!

I am revolutionary!!!

Other struggle:

I have hit a wall.
I eat little, I eat well, I drink water (all the time)

I can't get past the 35 lbs. and I still have 15 to go.
I MUST EXERCISE!

Problem:

I hate, despise and deplore exercising!!
I struggle with serious depression and find it difficult to do anything.

I work all week just to get 30 min of housework done.

Solution:

I LOVE TO DANCE!!

So I dance!

As much as I can make myself move, I dance.

The last 2 weeks have not been good. So if I hear even one song that moves me, I get up and I "get down"!

Favorite things to dance too:

The soundtrack from Pride and Prejudice. 
I love it! 20 minutes of ballet, 30 with 5 lb weights and then a cool down.
Perfect!!!
Goal: 3 times a week. Currently I'm struggling for 3 times a month. 

But I'm taking it one step at a time.

Other favorite:

Santana's "Into The Night".

I don't care how depressed I am, I can't help but throw my hands in the air, do some serious hip shaking, free style, all over the place dancing every time that song comes on!!
I would change some of the words if it was up to me, but nothing moves me like this song does!!

I think I've covered everything I wanted to share. I don't know if my "journey" of 35 pnds will be inspirational to anyone. But I'm inspired to keep going. I think I'm beautiful and sexy. I like my body where it is and I'm excited to reach my final goal!!

Mustn't forget! It helps to laugh!

"Into The Night" santana

http://youtu.be/JtJixQAcf_w

I'm not going to type all the words, it's the beat that moves me. 

But I will share my favorite verse:

"Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place,

  You could tell how we felt by the look on our faces,

  She was spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes,

  No room left to move in between you and I,

  We forgot where we were and we lost track of time,

  And we sang with the wind as we danced through the night"

Happy dancing!! elle

"Just The Way You Are" bruno mars

http://youtu.be/LjhCEhWiKXk

"Her eyes, her eyes

  Make the stars look like they're not shining

  Her hair, her hair

  Fall perfectly without her trying

  She's so beautiful

  And I tell her everyday

  I know, I know

  When I compliment her she won't believe m

  And it's so, it's so

  Sad to think that she don't see what I see

  But every time she asks me, "Do I look Okay?"

  I say,

  When I see your face

  There's not a thing that I would change

  'Cause you're amazing

  Just the way you are.

  And when you smile

  The whole world stops and stares for a while

  'Cause girl you're amazing

  Just the way you are.

  Her lips, her lips

  I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

  Her laugh, her laugh

  She hates but I think it's so sexy

  She's so beautiful

  And I tell her everyday

  Oh you know, you know, you know

  I'd never ask you to change

  If perfect's what you're searching for

  Then just stay the same

  So don't even bother asking if you look okay

  'Cause you know I'll say

  When I see your face

  There's not a thing that I would change

  'Cause you're amazing

  Just the way you are.

  And when you smile

  The whole world stops and stares for a while

  'Cause girl you're amazing

   Just the way you are

  The way you are

  The way you are

  Girl you're amazing

  Just the way you are"

And so are YOU!! You're amazing just the way you are!!
YOU GO GIRL!!! 

Let's all go girls. Onward and upward...elle

"I'm not beautiful

like YOU.

I'm BEAUTIFUL

like ME."

"A little cheese with that whine??" & Thirty days of THANKS

I haven't blogged or even visited the last few days.
I've been feeling sorry for myself.
I've been pouting.
I've felt used, lonely and worthless, again.

All I could see was the negative, again.

My life;

It sucks. I hate it.
Me;

I suck. I hate it.

I couldn't see any reason to share any of the above.

I just wanted to bury myself in my bed, my music & my M&M's.

I got angry, deleted all the emails I've sent and received from a certain "friend" who refuses to do things MY WAY!!
I got angry when I realized another "so-called friend" is using me, again. So I deleted all those emails too.

Then friend #1 who I thought was ignoring me, sent me an email. Just enough to make me feel special. I forgot all the promises I made myself about "never again" and I got happy.




(obviously he can...
  which makes me somewhat of a dog on the floor waiting for a crumb and 
  feeling so loved when one falls)




I feel lonely and rejected, and I envy the one who has the power to say "I'm yours" or "not today".
And the problem is ME. I'm giving so much, tooo much power to someone who can never love me like I can love me.




That's just SAD! One of the most beautiful women in the world, sooo amazingly sexy and such a tragic ending.
Sayings like that confuse me.
I want to love with abandon and trust without questioning.
I want the white horse, the musician who carries me away. I want the dream. So did Marilyn.


Back on track;
I still don't give a ___ about "so-called friend" #2. (just sayin')


I have a serious problem.
My happiness is totally dependent on a certain other and it doesn't matter how great the rest of my life is, how loved I am, provided for, pampered or spoiled rotten... I'm still unhappy unless I feel like I'm the center of "said persons" world.

The knowledge that I can be 5 days from 51 and still feel and act like a stupid kid makes it really hard to love myself. 
I don't even like me, again.
I'm still wearing those heavy combat boots and dragging my mostly lifeless self around that same old mountain.

A "comment" from my last post 5 days ago,


Hello Elle. I think you shouldn't hurry to get through with step one. There is a lot to look at. Any movement at all is progress. You are doing it yourself without having to be bolstered by anyone else. That is strength. You have strength.


She's so right. I'm not ready.
I can't even remember what step one is.
I don't think I'm progressing at all!
I've been moving the last 5 days, but not forwards.
Instead I took some major leaps backwards.

 I allowed myself to get suckered into doing and being something I'm really not, all in the attempt to be accepted. BUT mostly in an attempt to numb the pain.

"If I pretend I'm someone else then I won't have to be me" elle




Naughty is the most fun I've had in ages.
When I left my spending addiction behind I knew another obsession would replace it. And it did.
But stuff, people, good, naughty... none of it can ever fill the hole. Nothing can magically make me feel happy, fulfilled and give purpose to my empty life.

I can have fun but it is only a temporary fix. 
I can live in a fantasy but eventually I will wake up.

When I wake up and I'm still me then I realize I'm still unhappy. I still see no way of escape. I still want to give up so badly.
But I'm still too strong and stubborn to just let go.


Now that I've had my whine with cheese, grapes and a large shot of tequila its time to move along!!


But first I'd like to share some "wisdom from the therapist";


We were talking about addictions and obsessions. I said something along the line of "I know my spending wasn't a chemical" when he stopped me. 


"Yes it was. The body, the brain produces the same chemicals, the same response to a DRUG as it does to the stimulant you were feeding it. 


The body loves "NEW". Anything new releases endorphin's. Whether you are buying something new. Spending time with someone new or indulging in some NEW activity. It's the same. 


You're brain feels the same as the brain of someone who just filled their vein or their mouth with a stimulant. 


AND IT LIKES IT! And it wants more.
It worked. You found an escape, a pleasure. Now you crave it. You crave more! You need it, desire it, obsess over it. 
It now has the power to control you, until you take that power back." 


You've heard of "Gratitude Journals" and "31 Days of Thanks".

I'm going to give thanks during the entire month of November.
My journeying is boring right now. No one wants to hear me whine about the same old things that I can't or won't leave behind in order to move on.

SO, I'm going to journal my journey of thanks.


November 1st, 2011
Today I am thankful for a new grand baby. A beautiful little boy has once again graced our family. He has a head full of dark hair, long fingers and toes and will undoubtedly be a musician. It is his heritage. His dad and "Pop" are drummers, his mother, grandmother (that's me), aunts & uncles are singers, guitarists, cellist and pianists. Add a sax and a violin/fiddle and you get the picture. We were born to music.

I am thankful for family. And I have a BIG one!!
A "quiver-full" of kids, their spouses and more than a bakers dozen of "grands". 

I'm thankful for their health. 

I'm thankful they all have their own homes, finally!! (no one is living with us... it took forever but my home is now MY home)

I'm thankful that we are all so close. My daughters are now my friends and my sons are great men who lead good, decent lives.


I'm thankful for my mom and my step-dad.


I'm thankful that I am no longer controlled by my "real" dad who has never been real (and I'm OK with that).


I'm thankful for my sisters. Especially the new closeness and friendship I have with one and can't wait to share with the other!


I'm thankful for my husband, a truly good man.



November 2nd, 2011
Today I am thankful for the music.

Music is:
my hiding place when I can no longer face the world,
my canvas on which I can express what my heart can't speak,
my joy,
my voice when tears and pain would seek to choke and
                                                                        silence me,
my connection to a world where I don't fit in,
my defiance.... you can shut me down but you can never 
                                                                       drown the sound,
my hope,
my place of dreams, where reality is what my mind chooses, 
my past,
my future...




Not really. The music makes me ache with longing. It teases me. Makes me believe that as I'm moved to action, change and passion that action, change and passion are moved towards me. The music touches places too deep for words. Places where tears sound like moans. Where wounds are dug deep with broken fragments of my fragile heart. And all I feel is pain.

Still I'm thankful for the music. Without it I'd have no hope of escape, no canvas for joy, no voice for defiance, no connection to a dream where the past & the future are joined in the harmony that is "us".




"Colour My World" chicago
http://youtu.be/74_SSQNNY0Y


"As time goes on, I realize
  Just what you mean to me.
  And now, now that you're near,
  Promise your love that I've waited to share
  And dreams of our moments together.
  Color my world with hopes of loving you."




"Just The Two Of Us" bill withers
http://youtu.be/9UzBSxoXVRs

"I see the crystal raindrops fall
  And the beauty of it all
  Is when the sun comes shining through
  To make those rainbows in my mind
  When I think of you some time
  And I want to spend some time with you


  Just the two of us
  We can make it if we try
  Just the two of us
  Just the two of us
  Building castles in the sky
  Just the two of us
  You and I


  We look for love, no time for tears
  Wasted waters's all that is
  And it don't make no flowers grow
  Good things might come to those who wait
  Not to those who wait too late
  We got to go for all we know


  Just the two of us
  We can make it if we try
  Just the two of us
  Just the two of us
  Building them' castles in the sky
  Just the two of us
  You and I


  I hear the crystal raindrops fall
  On the window down the hall
  And it becomes the morning dew
  And darling, when the morning comes
  And I see the morning sun
  I want to be the one with you


  Just the two of us
  We can make it if we try
  Just the two of us
  Just the two of us
  Building castles way on high
  Just the two of us
  You and I 


  Just the two of us
  Just the just the just the two of us"




"Time In A Bottle" jim croce
http://youtu.be/kr-LzfEuuac

"If I could save time in a bottle
  The first thing that I'd like to do
  Is to save every day
  Till eternity passes away
  Just to spend them with you


  If I could make days last forever
  If words could make wishes come true
  I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
  Again, I would spend them with you


  But there never seems to be enough time
  To do the things you wanna do
  Once you find them
  I've looked around enough to know
  That you're the one I want to go
  Through time with


  If I had a box just for wishes
  And dreams that would never come true
  The box would be empty
  Except for the memory 
  Of how they were answered by you


  But there never seems to be enough time
  To do the things you want to do
  Once you find them
  I've looked around enough to know
  That you're the one I want to go
  Through time with."


I whine about you a lot. 
I'm jealous of your emotional health, your self control, discipline and clarity.
I want them too, but until I get them I want you to waller in the mud with me so I don't feel so alone ")..

I'm thankful that you found me, again.
I was in this unhealthy place before you, I just couldn't see it.
Now I see. Now I have a chance to change it.
If it is to be, it is up to me. (despite my constantly trying to convince you that it is up to you)






elle