"Loosing to Gain" sums up much of my life lately.
I've lost so much in the past. Now it is time to look at it in a new light.
I'm not losing, I'm gaining.
It's not being ripped from me, I'm letting it go.
But it still feels like it's being ripped.
I don't really want to let go. I want to hold on.
Things in the past that were stollen from me and things in the present that I am choosing to let go of still feel like loss. They feel the same.
They are things that define who I am.
But when I look at them honestly I have to ask "Is this really who I want to be?"
Supposedly I'm letting go of the excess, the ties that bind, in order to be free.
But I don't feel free. I feel empty. I feel loss.
There is a saying on FaceBook "The truth will set you free...but first it will piss you off."
But my outward anger is always short lived.
Quickly it is replaced with inward anger: depression
But I've learned that with time neither anger nor depression are permanent.
a place of freedom....a place of peace....is never permanent either.
Finding and loosing peace, and the happiness that comes with it, is as painful as living without it.
Remind me again what I'm gaining. I'm very familiar with what I'm loosing....