"Frog and Toad"

Recently I saw the movie "Arthur". Much better than I expected. I highly recommend it!

There was a lovely story of friendship, from a childrens book called "Frog and Toad".

It begins with Toad visiting Frog's house and finding a note on the door.

"Dear Toad, I am not home. I went out. I want to be alone."

"Alone" says Toad. "Frog has me for a friend. Why does he want to be alone?"

He searches the meadow but to no avail.

"Poor Frog", said Toad. "He must be very sad. I will cheer him up."

Toad ran home and made sandwiches and a pitcher of iced tea. He put it in a basket. He hurried to the river where Frog was on an island, but Frog was too far to hear Toad calling to him.

A turtle swam by and Toad climbed on his back for a ride to the island.

"If Frog wants to be alone, why don't you leave him alone?", asks Turtle.

"Maybe you are right. Maybe Frog does not want to see me. Maybe he does not want to be my friend anymore" says Toad.

At the island toad cries "Frog! I am sorry for the dumb things I do. I am sorry for all the silly things I say. Please be my friend again!"

In his excitement he slips off the turtle and into the water!

Frog pulls Toad onto the island.

Toad looks in the basket and the sandwiches are wet. The pitcher is empty.

"Our lunch is spoiled. I made it for you, Frog, so that you would be happy."

"But Toad", says Frog, "I am happy!. I am very happy. This morning I woke up and I felt good because the sun was shining. I felt good to be a frog. And I felt good because I have you for a friend. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to think about how fine everything is."

"Oh" says Toad. "I guess that is a very good reason for wanting to be alone."

"Now, I will be glad NOT to be alone. Let's eat lunch." Frog smiles.

So Frog and Toad stayed on the island all afternoon.

They ate wet sandwiches without tea.

They were two close friends sitting alone together.

The End

"You've Got A Friend" James Taylor

http://youtu.be/Q7RPCFfudmU

         (yes, I did post this song last week. now i'm posting it again.

                                     it makes me smile :)

No, never remove my friend. elle

"I Won't Let Go" Rascal  Flatts

http://youtu.be/BW9zMSwKIdU

Memory Lane

I got up the nerve to talk to people and invite them to visit "The Music In My Heart". This is major. I am a chatty kathy if I know you but in unfamiliar settings I'm really quiet and insecure. Since the dark days came I have grown very isolated, have shut out old friends and only talk to those that are more stubborn than I :)


This is one of the comments I got from Gina after she visited:
"You seem like a sweetheart with quite a spirit!"
I couldn't have said it better Gina!

I love this blog.
I love the freedom it has afforded me.
I love the anonymity that allows me to say what I could never say in front of my husband, friends, grown children and certainly not church people!

I tried a test blog a couple of weeks ago and NO one commented. It was on my public FaceBook page and once I publicly admitted that I drink beer that was it, complete silence. No one wanted to hear it and they sure as hell didn't want to go on record as supporting it.

I got the message, deleted everything and still no one speaks of it.
I get a little tickled thinking about it. I love the movie "The Village". In it there are these evil, scary creatures, "the thing we do not speak of" as they call it. As the movie progresses, the fear mounts and then you discover that "the things we do not speak of" are all farce. They are a ploy to protect the secrets of the elders.
Sounds strangely familiar to me. The thing we don't speak about, "the day mom lost her mind, went to sleep and woke up a strange, wild woman who we keep hoping will go away and send our old mom (wife, daughter, friend) back!!!

But no will say it in my presence except my husband. I can only imagine what is said behind my back.

But I'm not scared to say it. I'm not the old me I used to be. I'm just as baffled by the new me I don't know how to be. There is so much I don't have answers to.
These things I know. I never liked the old me and I think the new me is pretty great except for all the major rough places that need a lot of refining!!

So I have invited people to visit and they are! I know that a lot of my posts (most of my posts) are negative to very negative.
I sat down this morning and reread all of them. I've really come a long way in just a few short months!

I made a list of my favorites;
"It All Began" 7/12/11
"Magical Moments vs Borrowed Music" 7/15/11
"Somewhere Only We Know" 7/19/11
"Welcome To Sunday Morning" 7/24/11
"My Perfect Storm" 7/27/11
"A Gift To Be Treasured" 7/29/11
" I was hoping I wouldn't wake up" 8/3/11
****** "Frog and Toad" 8/4/11****
"Change" 8/7/11
"Change is not coming" 8/7/11
"Pretty In Pink" 8/18/11
"Another beautiful day" 9/8/11
" Write a book" 10/3/11


I enjoyed reading my poetry, my love songs and my funny signs.

This is one of my favorites:

"I am a boat on the shore
 You are the ocean.
 The possibilities would seem endless
 If I was seaworthy and
 You had need of a boat.
 But I'm not and you don't." 8/10/11

For September 11th (9-11) I wrote this:
Dawn
"What quiet dawn shall break the day
  In solitude or work of hands
  To chase the truths away?
  I dare not say
  That on today
  The world of dreams
  Was blown away.
  And at our feet the smoldering ash
  Shattered safety now broken glass.
  We don't question why they weep
  Or when they scream down in their sleep.
  No one labels in degrees
  The pain of those who lived yet grieve." 


This was very eye opening:
I turned seventeen in November,
I was pregnant by December and
I was married in February...
And I thought, "this is me, I'm elle".  10/3/11




I often start out negative only to come to the end of a post and find, just like at the end of a journey, that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
That's what happened on 8/18/11.
The post is called "Pretty In Pink" and still breaks my heart when I read it.
It's about the me that I lost. The good me. But by the end of the post I find that deep inside all the good that was me before, is still there.
I was on the floor with one of my grands, I was singing to her (my favorite part of the old me). I was feeling guilty because I didn't have the strength or energy that the fun old Nana did. I felt like I had lost the love that used to just pour from my heart, my words, my songs and my prayers.
I wrote this to "little miss":


"This is one Nana used to sing to you while I rocked you.
You were a tiny baby then, but you loved the music, just like you do now.
And I love you now just like I did then."


Such powerful words. For so long I couldn't see the love in the darkness.
But I started rocking her, holding her close, singing softly and I knew.
I knew that there is still a wonderful, loving Nana in here. (happy tears)


"We're going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with watermelon now. Then "little miss" and I are going to take a well deserved nap." 


I've enjoyed today's little trip down memory lane.
I hope that our visitors find the good.
It's here, you just have to dig a little :)
With love, elle



"Baby Mine" bette midler
http://youtu.be/1KWq9DhR1As

"Baby mine, don't you cry.
  Baby mine, dry your eyes.
  Rest your head close to my heart,
  Never to part, baby of mine.


  Little one, when you play,
  Pay no heed what they say.
  Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
  Never a tear, baby of mine.


  If they knew all about you,
  They'd end up loving you too.
  All those same people who scold you,
  What they'd give just for the right to hold you.


  From your head down to your toes,
  You're not much, goodness knows.
  But you're so precious to me,
  Sweet as can be, baby of mine."

I leave with beauty and with love.

Until tomorrow, elle

  

Truths I can handle

Today started out kinda rough. I posted about truths I can't handle then I gave up around 11 and went back to bed.
Lunch with hubby and then back to check my email and FaceBook "just in case".
Instead I found my first comment and a new follower!

Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference.
Welcome to The Music In My Heart, Judy! Hope you'll visit often!

I found some fun and some inspiration from Judy's Pinterest boards.
Here are a few of my favorites:

Ain't it the truth!!! 

More Good Truth!!!

What can I say?
I love cows!

"Flies On The Butter" wynonna judd

http://youtu.be/CtIjGBV0X6k

"Old tin roof, leaves in the gutter

  A hole in the screen door big as you fist,

  And flies on the butter.

  Mamaw baking sugar cookies,

  We were watching cartoons

  Heard her holler from the kitchen
  "Which on of you youngins'

  Wants to lick the spoon?

  Yellow jackets on the watermelon,

  Honeysuckle in the air

  Daddy turning on the sprinkler,

  Us kids running through it in our underwear.

  Old dog napping on the front porch,

  His ear just a-twitching.

  Fell asleep on Granddaddy's lap

  To the sound of his pocket watch ticking.

  Oh, oh, oh- Oh, oh, oh

  It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago

  Oh, oh, oh- Oh, oh, oh

  You can dream about it every now and then

  But you can't go home again.

  Me and my best friend Jenny

  Set up a back yard camp

  Stole Mama's mason jars,

  Poked holes in the lid

  And made a fire fly lamp.

  Me and Billy Monroe sneaking down by the river

  And I'm still haunted by the taste kiss

  I was too scared to give him

  There's a black-top road,

  A faded yellow centerline

  It can take you back to the place,

  But it can't take you back in time.

  Old tin roof, leaves in the gutter

  A hole in the screen door big as your fist,

  And flies on the butter"

I wasn't raised in the country. But I was blessed to have family in the country and this song brought back memories of sleeping upstairs in a house with no air. Windows that looked out over fields of peas, tomatoes and other delectables. Memories of running through those fields, kissin' cousins and snakes in the chicken house. 

As soon as I heard this song I sat down and wrote that kissin' cousin who has become a very good friend these last 2 years.
He's not conventional and doesn't fit any of the molds of men I'm used to, but I love him dearly.
He's good and honest and NEVER judges! Never! And I've shared some doozies with him!

I think he knows more about women than any man I've ever met. (Although that's not sayin' much. I was always afraid of men. I married young and then I avoided them completely. I was safe and that's all that mattered to me.)
Then a year and a half ago in the middle of my perfect storm, into my life came 2 men from my past. Two good men who loved me long, long ago when I was cute and hot, free and available!
Thank goodness they were both good men (each in his own way), who still loved me (each in his own way) and would never hurt me, because I was weak and vulnerable and very needy.
I fell hard for both (each in his own way) and now they are both the only male friends I have ever had and I wouldn't trade either for anything!

So, I'm not a born in the country girl. Never went camping. Never learned to pee in the woods.
But just like Texas, I got here as fast as I could!
Now there's country just oozing outta me. I love to fish. Love to shoot and ride 4-wheelers. Love animals, farmin' and I look fabulous in boots!!

I'm a city girl, but not a "big city".

I'm a rural girl if you count where I spent most of my days.
But I'm a beach girl if you count where I spent my most of my heart!

I was raised by a single mom in a time when good catholic women didn't leave their Louisiana husbands and head back home to Texas, even if he did hit them.
But my momma was a brave woman. She defied the "rules", scooped my little 2 year old bottom up and left the bastard! She's my hero!!

It's been nearly 49 years now and that man has tried every way in the world he can think of to destroy me. He has "disowned" me 3 times and  stole thousands of dollars from my husband and I through fraud. But none of that compares to how many times he has crushed me and broken my heart by withholding his love and telling me outright what "a sorry excuse for a woman" I am. And that came after the years of emotional and psychological abuse I suffered as a little girl and a teenager.

In the middle of my perfect storm a year and a half ago I got a letter informing me that I was no longer his daughter. He didn't want "to have anything to do with a f---ing b--ch who was so selfish and so f---ing worthless".

That was the last letter and the last time that man will ever hurt me again.

My heart said "ENOUGH".
I know unforgiveness  is supposed to hurt me worse than it's hurting him but I don't care. I will not forgive him. I will not let him use me for target practice ever again. He can die and go straight to hell for all I care. And I don't care!

Well! I guess that needs to go on the list of things to talk to the therapist about.
That wasn't what I sat out to write about at all.
But that's exactly how this blog works. I write and truth comes out of my fingertips, through the keyboard and I read it for the first time in black and white (or a pretty pink).

Moving on.
I had never heard this song before. I'm not a big Wynonna fan (not 'cause I don't like her, I just never heard a lot of her songs). But I liked this one immediately. It took me back to the good times I remember. They are like gold to me. I have so few memories and even fewer good ones.

Just like friends. I have few. But the ones I have are like gold, precious, rare and guarded.

My husband doesn't approve of my having men friends. It's not the way he was raised.
I love and respect him but there are so many things about the new me he doesn't or wouldn't like.
It's a hard and fine line I walk trying to stay true to him and true to me at the same time.
But on this subject I feel no guilt. I love 2 men who are my friends and if I have to hide them to keep them then I will.
It's just like this blog and my private FaceBook page and a hundred other things he doesn't understand or approve of.
I was his clone for over 3 decades. Now I'm me and it's been hard on both of us!
But I love him. He wants me to stay, I want to and the rest just "is what it is".

Another good truth!

I'd like to dedicate this next song to my friends.
I have the worlds best friends who have walked with me through motherhood, addiction, loss and laughter. They've loved me unconditonally. 

But when the perfect storm passed and I emerged a changed and strange person they were as lost and confused about me as I was.
I began to shelter them and protect them from the new me because they had sheltered and protected me for so long.

But it's very lonely when you lead a double (a split) life.
I needed someone who could except me for who I am and I found that in the newness of 2 very old friendships.

I think that makes me a very lucky woman. 
I live two very separate, very different lives. Whichever one I'm in I've always got a friend. 
In a perfect world I could merge the two. But perfection is not for this world. So I do what I must to survive. I do my best to love and protect all those involved. And mostly I pray. I pray every day that the Lord will protect those who love me and choose to stand by me from the consequences of my choices.
Lay all the burden and blame on me. It's my life, it's my choice. 

You gotta love that one!! :)

"You've Got A Friend" james taylor

http://youtu.be/K_MdSu0I620

"When you're down and troubled

  And you need some love and care,

  And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.

  Close your eyes and think of me

  And soon I will be there

  To brighten up even your darkest nights.

  You just call out my name,

  And you know wherever I am

  I'll come running, to see you again.

  Winter, spring, summer or fall,

  All you got to do is call

  And I'll there, yeah, yeah, yeah, now

  You've got a friend.

  If the sky above you

  Should grow dark and full of clouds

  And that old north wind should begin to blow,

  Keep your head together

  And call my name out loud now, baby

  Soon I'll be knocking upon your door.

  You just call out my name

  And you know wherever I am

  I'll come running to see you again.
  Winter, spring, summer or fall

  Now all you got to do is call on me

  And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Tell me ain't it good to know 

  That you've got a friend

  When people can be so cold?

  They'll hurt you and desert you.

  They'll take your soul if you let them.

  But don't you let them.

  You just call out my name 

  And you know wherever I am

  I'll come running, running, yeah, yeah, yeah

  To see you again.

  Winter, spring, summer or fall,

  Now all you've got to do is call

  And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah now,

  You've got a friend.

  You've got a friend.

  Ain't it good to know,
  That you've got a friend?

  Ain't it good to know?

  You've got a friend."

But I need a friend to hold my hand....

and you're the only one who will...

Don't stay away too long,

I'm lonely...elle

  

  

I don't want truth...

Happy Monday!
I'm running over with words. So much to share about this past weekend and the week ahead.

When I left you Friday I was frustrated, angry, hurt and processing.
My husband was leaving for the weekend and my 14 year old side had a long list of fun activities all lined up to enjoy while he was away!
But no one wants to play with me. All my friends have progressed past their 14 year old selves and are happily settled into maturity.
But not me. I'm so ready to do and explore all the things I missed while I was busy having babies and being all I was supposed to be.

I feel like Benjamin Button. I was old when I was young. I was old for a long, long time. Now I've aged but I've also healed and unloaded much of the crap that kept me locked in a box. Now I've shed pounds and years and baggage. I feel great and I'm ready to play. But when I started looking for play partners all I got was some strange looks and a lot of shaking heads.

I cried. I bitched. I begged.
It didn't help. I think I've made it worse. Now I'm being totally ignored!
So I decided to take the opportunity for a good weekend and go for it.
And I had a really nice time.
I spent quality time with my hubby, my son and my rod and reel.
Caught some beautiful bass, toured the deer lease on a 4-wheeler then came home and did some cleaning and decorating and was so proud.
All very good things! Very healthy. Very adult.

What I can't figure out is why when I open my eyes and I know that a productive, healthy, adult day is ahead of me, I'd prefer to close them and wish it away??

When will I grow up and face the facts? My life is what it is. It has the potential to be great. All I have to do is be content with what I have and then start living. I have everything necessary for a long, happy life surrounded by people who love me and a man who's world starts and stops with me.

Why do I want what I can't have? And if I got it would I still want it? And is all this just a game to me? Am I playing with other peoples lives and emotions? And do I care about the possible consequences? Or do I really just think like a 14 year old whose world revolves around her and her alone???

I don't really want to answer any of those questions. The answers are way to scary!


Instead I'll tell you about this week.
I have out of town company coming for the weekend. My daughter, her 2 precious little boys and her husband who has never been in my house for more than 30 minutes (and I was perfectly content to keep it that way!).
To prepare for them I need to change the sheets, clean the room, grocery shop, cook and hide anything of value (especially prescription meds, my jewelry and money).

Another of my daughters, a daughter-in-law and I are having a huge garage sale on Saturday. For that I have to borrow a trailer, unload a storage bin, price everything and haul it 30 minutes away.

My parents are having a mini fall festival/family get together at their house on Sunday. For that I have to bake cupcakes and provide all the goodies for decorating them with.


In between now and the weekend I have an appointment with my therapist and a hair appointment. I have to shop today because we have NO food in the house and then shop again on Thursday when we get paid.

I hate weeks like this. These are not the kind of weeks that I handle well. I feel yuk in my body. My head is spinning and I have a terrible feeling that I'm getting vertigo.
There are tears of fear and frustration just below the surface and as the moments pass I feel the anxiety growing.
I'm tired. I'm standing on the precipice and I know that all it will take is one strong breeze and I'll be lost to the week in a dark daze of depression.
This has happened so much the last 2 years. I missed my dads 75th and my precious "little blue eyes" 2nd birthday because I couldn't get out of bed.

Have you seen the commercial: 
"where does depression hurt?"; everywhere
"who does depression hurt?"; everyone
It's true. My body feels the pain just like my heart.
And I hate this feeling.

I just want to run to my place of escape and into the arms of rescue.
But my rescuer is no longer mine. My samurai has ridden his horse away from me and I am alone, again.
And I have a wonderful man to run too, but he brings me little comfort in comparison.
And real life just glares at me in the form of truth.
But I don't want truth.  


(I have to go now. My hubby is picking up lunch and dropping by the store to grab milk, eggs, bread and pears on his way home for lunch. That really sucks! I'm a grown woman who can't get her butt dressed, go to the store and enjoy lunch with her husband.
I feel like a big fat failure today. And I started out this morning all pumped up and ready to face this week with a great attitude.
Something went wrong, again.)

Sunday SayingS and other Such Stuff

In an effort to make it to church on time (OK, not on time but there), I am going to Save my wordS 'till tomorrow and Share Some of my gatheringS from thiS paSt week. TheSe are thingS I found and love. (which could Still be a lengthy liSt Since I pretty much love everything!!)


Favorite funny;
 
:)



So gorgeouS!




no Stress, juSt beauty



 and Saving the beSt for laSt:


"I would probably wander by around 2:30"


Say it again Sam, Soon....

Have a bleSSed Sunday, elle

An uphill battle and a "thank you"

I wrote yesterday in my post "Torment" about the uphill battle I'm struggling with.
Having suffered from depression on and off for many years I have learned to read my body and my moods.

Granted, nothing in my past has come near what I have experienced this past year and a half. The severity, depth and total lack of control over this present depression has been especially difficult.

I knew when I started thinking about death again that the level road I've been enjoying the past few weeks was getting very steep, very fast!

I don't know why writing about it helps, but it does!
I kept a journal for years. In it were my struggles, my prayers and the scriptures and words of encouragement I never failed to get from the Lord and from the people He sent into my life.
I can no longer journal on paper (I know it's weird but it is what it is!).

Having no faith-walk has left me very alone. I always had the Lords Spirit to turn too and now I don't.

I'm not going to debate the faith issue. I can't handle it. I get VERY angry, very quickly when I try to explain why I turned away from God.

This blog has been a source of release for me. I am able to say here what I can't say anywhere else. I am processing as best I can. I am a word person. Having a place to say and express the 1200 words per minute that swirl and torment me is crucial to my day to day life.

I spent much of yesterday trying to process and express the feelings and emotions I shared in "Torment". Then I was back at it this morning. Tweaking the wording, the sentence structure, the spelling. 

My perfectionism is either at full throttle or non-existent.
For example, I try all week to motivate myself to clean house, to unpack boxes or decorate for fall. But I don't want to do those things. I don't want to repaint the front door or the beautiful old iron bed I bought while on my trip. I'm content for the bed and an entire garage full of projects to just disappear. Just leave me alone!

I find peace here, at this keyboard.
After I poured my heart out about the torment I'm fighting, my fear of "little blue eyes" death and my bunny story I was almost immediately free from the pressure. 

I called a computer friend who helped me get the music back on my page and then I started cleaning the house! Go figure!!

I was nearly giddy. Carrying the heaviness of the guilt, confusion and hopelessness of depression is very exhausting.
Getting the crap out of my mind and onto this page is freeing.

I want to say thank you.
Thank you to those who read what I write, encourage me, keep a close eye on me, pray for me and love me. 

Soon, very soon a day is coming when I will think normally again.
A day when I will not need this keyboard as my only link to the world.
A day when what does or does not come into my "in box" does not reduce me to tears or set my feet to dancing.
A day when I don't live tethered to the internet, "just in case".
A day when the knowledge of the above doesn't burden those I love and cause them unnecessary fear or guilt.

Until that day I ask the Lord regularly to bless my readers and to protect those I love from the consequences of my choices. I don't ask anything for me.
He knows me and still loves me. He will make a way where there seems to be no way.

My faith is shot but I still believe, I will always believe. elle 

Major depression

Depression - major; Unipolar depression; Major depressive disorder

Last reviewed: March 15, 2011.

Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.

True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The exact cause of depression is not known. Many researchers believe it is caused by chemical changes in the brain. This may be due to a problem with your genes, or triggered by certain stressful events. More likely, it's a combination of both.

Some types of depression run in families. But depression can also occur if you have no family history of the illness. Anyone can develop depression, even kids.

The following may play a role in depression:

• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Certain medical conditions, including underactive thyroid, cancer, or long-term pain
• Certain medications such as steroids
• Sleeping problems
• Stressful life events

Symptoms

Depression can change or distort the way you see yourself, your life, and those around you.

People who have depression usually see everything with a more negative attitude, unable to imagine that any problem or situation can be solved in a positive way.

Symptoms of depression can include:

• Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
• Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
• Very difficult to concentrate
• Fatigue and lack of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
• Becoming withdrawn or isolated
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping

Depression can appear as anger and discouragement, rather than feelings of sadness.

If you do not feel better with antidepressants and talk therapy, you may have treatment-resistant depression. Your doctor will often prescribe higher (but still safe) doses of an antidepressant, or a combination of medications.

Talk therapy is counseling to talk about your feelings and thoughts, and help you learn how to deal with them.

Types of talk therapy include:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches you how to fight off negative thoughts. You will learn how to become more aware of your symptoms and how to spot things that make your depression worse. You'll also be taught problem-solving skills.
• Psychotherapy can help you understand the issues that may be behind your thoughts and feelings.
• Joining a support group of people who are sharing problems like yours can also help. Ask your therapist or doctor for a recommendation.

Prevention

Do not drink alcohol or use illegal drugs. These substances can make depression worse and might lead to thoughts of suicide.

Take your medication exactly as your doctor instructed. Ask your doctor about the possible side effects and what you should do if you have any. Learn to recognize the early signs that your depression is getting worse.

The following tips might help you feel better:

• Get more exercise
• Maintain good sleep habits
• Seek out activities that bring you pleasure
• Volunteer or get involved in group activities
• Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling
• Try to be around people who are caring and positive

For people who have repeated episodes of depression, quick and ongoing treatment may be needed to prevent more severe, long-term depression. Sometimes people will need to stay on medications for long periods of time.   (an article from PubMedHealth)

I don't know if this has anything to do with today's post but I love music videos and thought this one was great. Plus I love Brad Paisley!


"Brad Paisley- Remind Me" (behind the scenes)
http://youtu.be/-TEB41GenXs


"It was really hard to do but it should look great. I hope it does. In the end you should say 'wow, that looks like you guys had a great time'." Brad Paisley


This sorta spoke to me. So much seems so real but is just for show. 

Now let's watch the video and see how real it really looks. 

"Remind Me" (duet, brad paisley/carrie underwood)

http://youtu.be/7qzhngp7jh8

If I hadn't seen the "behind the scenes" I would have been convinced.
But it's like life, like Brad said "It was hard to do but it should look great, I hope it does."

Made me question life, love, marriage...
How much of it is real and how much is a show we work really hard at so that it will look great? Is our goal the same as Brad's? "In the end you should say 'wow, that looks like you guys had a great time".

Kinda scary when you think about it. That's exactly what people thought when they looked at my life and our marriage. Until I started telling the truth that is. Now they don't know what the hell to think. But neither do I.

I think I'm "over-thinking" again....


"Take Me There" rascal flatts
http://youtu.be/vuL0SJiAOcM

"There's a place in your heart 
  Where nobody's been
  Take me there.
  Things nobody knows
  Not even your friends
  Take me there.
  Tell me about your momma, your daddy
  Your home town, show me around.
  I wanna see it all,
  Don't leave anything out.


  I wanna know, everything about you.
  And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
  Where your hopes and dreams 
  And wishes live,
  Where you keep the rest of your life hid
  I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare
  Take me there.


  Your first real kiss,
  Your first real love,
  You were scared.
  Take me there.
  You learned about life,
  Spent your summer nights without a care.
  Take me there.
  I wanna roll down mainstreet and backroads
  Like you did when you were a kid.
  What makes you who you are,
  Tell me what your story is.

  I wanna know, everything about you.
  And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
  Where your hopes and dreams
  And wishes live,
  Where you keep the rest of your life hid.
  I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.
  Take me there.


  I wanna roll down main street
  I wanna know your hopes 
  And your dreams.
  Take me, take me there."


Good news, I'm not staying home all alone for the weekend.
Part of me is hurt, part angry, part disappointed.
But all those emotions come from the root of control.
I can't control others,
they won't do it my way,
I get royally pissed and still can't control life.
It is what it is and I don't like it!
And nobody gives a shit! Get over it girly. Grow up.


So I am.
I'm going to the deer lease with my husband, my son and my not so favorite brother in law.
I don't know why I fight so hard.
The weather is going to be fantastic! 
I can fish, read, shoot and go 4-wheeling.
My husband is giddy with excitement.
Why would I choose to stay home alone, drink alone and hurt alone just because someone who knows I'm alone is willing to let me be alone?
And how childish is all that? VERY!!!

Oh yeah, I decorated my table for fall.
After I vacuumed and dusted!
Progress!!!
Have a great and blessed weekend! elle