It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Monday, October 17, 2011

I don't want truth...

Happy Monday!
I'm running over with words. So much to share about this past weekend and the week ahead.

When I left you Friday I was frustrated, angry, hurt and processing.
My husband was leaving for the weekend and my 14 year old side had a long list of fun activities all lined up to enjoy while he was away!
But no one wants to play with me. All my friends have progressed past their 14 year old selves and are happily settled into maturity.
But not me. I'm so ready to do and explore all the things I missed while I was busy having babies and being all I was supposed to be.

I feel like Benjamin Button. I was old when I was young. I was old for a long, long time. Now I've aged but I've also healed and unloaded much of the crap that kept me locked in a box. Now I've shed pounds and years and baggage. I feel great and I'm ready to play. But when I started looking for play partners all I got was some strange looks and a lot of shaking heads.

I cried. I bitched. I begged.
It didn't help. I think I've made it worse. Now I'm being totally ignored!
So I decided to take the opportunity for a good weekend and go for it.
And I had a really nice time.
I spent quality time with my hubby, my son and my rod and reel.
Caught some beautiful bass, toured the deer lease on a 4-wheeler then came home and did some cleaning and decorating and was so proud.
All very good things! Very healthy. Very adult.

What I can't figure out is why when I open my eyes and I know that a productive, healthy, adult day is ahead of me, I'd prefer to close them and wish it away??

When will I grow up and face the facts? My life is what it is. It has the potential to be great. All I have to do is be content with what I have and then start living. I have everything necessary for a long, happy life surrounded by people who love me and a man who's world starts and stops with me.

Why do I want what I can't have? And if I got it would I still want it? And is all this just a game to me? Am I playing with other peoples lives and emotions? And do I care about the possible consequences? Or do I really just think like a 14 year old whose world revolves around her and her alone???

I don't really want to answer any of those questions. The answers are way to scary!

Instead I'll tell you about this week.
I have out of town company coming for the weekend. My daughter, her 2 precious little boys and her husband who has never been in my house for more than 30 minutes (and I was perfectly content to keep it that way!).

To prepare for them I need to change the sheets, clean the room, grocery shop, cook and hide anything of value (especially prescription meds, my jewelry and money).

Another of my daughters, a daughter-in-law and I are having a huge garage sale on Saturday. For that I have to borrow a trailer, unload a storage bin, price everything and haul it 30 minutes away.

My parents are having a mini fall festival/family get together at their house on Sunday. For that I have to bake cupcakes and provide all the goodies for decorating them with.

In between now and the weekend I have an appointment with my therapist and a hair appointment. I have to shop today because we have NO food in the house and then shop again on Thursday when we get paid.

I hate weeks like this. These are not the kind of weeks that I handle well. I feel yuk in my body. My head is spinning and I have a terrible feeling that I'm getting vertigo.
There are tears of fear and frustration just below the surface and as the moments pass I feel the anxiety growing.
I'm tired. I'm standing on the precipice and I know that all it will take is one strong breeze and I'll be lost to the week in a dark daze of depression.
This has happened so much the last 2 years. I missed my dads 75th and my precious "little blue eyes" 2nd birthday because I couldn't get out of bed.

Have you seen the commercial: 

"where does depression hurt?"; everywhere
"who does depression hurt?"; everyone
It's true. My body feels the pain just like my heart.
And I hate this feeling.

I just want to run to my place of escape and into the arms of rescue.
But my rescuer is no longer mine. My samurai has ridden his horse away from me and I am alone, again.
And I have a wonderful man to run too, but he brings me little comfort in comparison.
And real life just glares at me in the form of truth.
But I don't want truth.  

(I have to go now. My hubby is picking up lunch and dropping by the store to grab milk, eggs, bread and pears on his way home for lunch. That really sucks! I'm a grown woman who can't get her butt dressed, go to the store and enjoy lunch with her husband.
I feel like a big fat failure today. And I started out this morning all pumped up and ready to face this week with a great attitude.
Something went wrong, again.)


  1. Hello Elle. I'm Judy from Pinterest. I have a blog here and I think it will be nice to get to know you.

  2. Thanks Judy. I'm looking forward to it! Not all my posts are as heavy as today. Unfortunately some days "it just is what it is", and we do the best to keep putting the next foot forward.
    I hope you'll be back soon, elle

  3. I've been there so many times. I don't know what you are doing to deal with your depression. I had to do a lot of things- divorce, drinking, recovery, loss of children to ex, 3.5 years therapy, lots of antidepressants. I still do things to deal. I don't know you well enough for suggestions but I'll tell you that staying in bed doesn't work. You are defeated by not starting. Better to start and run out of steam than not to start. And sometimes I list really small tasks to do so I can tell myself at least I did something. We will talk some more.

  4. The thought of losing my children and my grands is almost unbearable. It is the main reason I stay, although I really have no excuse to go. I'm married to a good man who loves me. I've just changed and he doesn't understand or want to. He just wants the old me back.
    But I can never go back again. I wouldn't even if I could!
    Thank you for the encouragement.
    I start the day at this keyboard and then it's usually downhill from there.
    But I have the whole evening to catch up!
    I posted again, reminding myself about the good things that I can handle.
    Now I'm going to get dressed, do some laundry and work my way down my list as best I can.
    Have a great evening!! elle