Truths I can handle

Today started out kinda rough. I posted about truths I can't handle then I gave up around 11 and went back to bed.
Lunch with hubby and then back to check my email and FaceBook "just in case".
Instead I found my first comment and a new follower!

Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference.
Welcome to The Music In My Heart, Judy! Hope you'll visit often!

I found some fun and some inspiration from Judy's Pinterest boards.
Here are a few of my favorites:

Ain't it the truth!!! 

More Good Truth!!!

What can I say?
I love cows!

"Flies On The Butter" wynonna judd

http://youtu.be/CtIjGBV0X6k

"Old tin roof, leaves in the gutter

  A hole in the screen door big as you fist,

  And flies on the butter.

  Mamaw baking sugar cookies,

  We were watching cartoons

  Heard her holler from the kitchen
  "Which on of you youngins'

  Wants to lick the spoon?

  Yellow jackets on the watermelon,

  Honeysuckle in the air

  Daddy turning on the sprinkler,

  Us kids running through it in our underwear.

  Old dog napping on the front porch,

  His ear just a-twitching.

  Fell asleep on Granddaddy's lap

  To the sound of his pocket watch ticking.

  Oh, oh, oh- Oh, oh, oh

  It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago

  Oh, oh, oh- Oh, oh, oh

  You can dream about it every now and then

  But you can't go home again.

  Me and my best friend Jenny

  Set up a back yard camp

  Stole Mama's mason jars,

  Poked holes in the lid

  And made a fire fly lamp.

  Me and Billy Monroe sneaking down by the river

  And I'm still haunted by the taste kiss

  I was too scared to give him

  There's a black-top road,

  A faded yellow centerline

  It can take you back to the place,

  But it can't take you back in time.

  Old tin roof, leaves in the gutter

  A hole in the screen door big as your fist,

  And flies on the butter"

I wasn't raised in the country. But I was blessed to have family in the country and this song brought back memories of sleeping upstairs in a house with no air. Windows that looked out over fields of peas, tomatoes and other delectables. Memories of running through those fields, kissin' cousins and snakes in the chicken house. 

As soon as I heard this song I sat down and wrote that kissin' cousin who has become a very good friend these last 2 years.
He's not conventional and doesn't fit any of the molds of men I'm used to, but I love him dearly.
He's good and honest and NEVER judges! Never! And I've shared some doozies with him!

I think he knows more about women than any man I've ever met. (Although that's not sayin' much. I was always afraid of men. I married young and then I avoided them completely. I was safe and that's all that mattered to me.)
Then a year and a half ago in the middle of my perfect storm, into my life came 2 men from my past. Two good men who loved me long, long ago when I was cute and hot, free and available!
Thank goodness they were both good men (each in his own way), who still loved me (each in his own way) and would never hurt me, because I was weak and vulnerable and very needy.
I fell hard for both (each in his own way) and now they are both the only male friends I have ever had and I wouldn't trade either for anything!

So, I'm not a born in the country girl. Never went camping. Never learned to pee in the woods.
But just like Texas, I got here as fast as I could!
Now there's country just oozing outta me. I love to fish. Love to shoot and ride 4-wheelers. Love animals, farmin' and I look fabulous in boots!!

I'm a city girl, but not a "big city".

I'm a rural girl if you count where I spent most of my days.
But I'm a beach girl if you count where I spent my most of my heart!

I was raised by a single mom in a time when good catholic women didn't leave their Louisiana husbands and head back home to Texas, even if he did hit them.
But my momma was a brave woman. She defied the "rules", scooped my little 2 year old bottom up and left the bastard! She's my hero!!

It's been nearly 49 years now and that man has tried every way in the world he can think of to destroy me. He has "disowned" me 3 times and  stole thousands of dollars from my husband and I through fraud. But none of that compares to how many times he has crushed me and broken my heart by withholding his love and telling me outright what "a sorry excuse for a woman" I am. And that came after the years of emotional and psychological abuse I suffered as a little girl and a teenager.

In the middle of my perfect storm a year and a half ago I got a letter informing me that I was no longer his daughter. He didn't want "to have anything to do with a f---ing b--ch who was so selfish and so f---ing worthless".

That was the last letter and the last time that man will ever hurt me again.

My heart said "ENOUGH".
I know unforgiveness  is supposed to hurt me worse than it's hurting him but I don't care. I will not forgive him. I will not let him use me for target practice ever again. He can die and go straight to hell for all I care. And I don't care!

Well! I guess that needs to go on the list of things to talk to the therapist about.
That wasn't what I sat out to write about at all.
But that's exactly how this blog works. I write and truth comes out of my fingertips, through the keyboard and I read it for the first time in black and white (or a pretty pink).

Moving on.
I had never heard this song before. I'm not a big Wynonna fan (not 'cause I don't like her, I just never heard a lot of her songs). But I liked this one immediately. It took me back to the good times I remember. They are like gold to me. I have so few memories and even fewer good ones.

Just like friends. I have few. But the ones I have are like gold, precious, rare and guarded.

My husband doesn't approve of my having men friends. It's not the way he was raised.
I love and respect him but there are so many things about the new me he doesn't or wouldn't like.
It's a hard and fine line I walk trying to stay true to him and true to me at the same time.
But on this subject I feel no guilt. I love 2 men who are my friends and if I have to hide them to keep them then I will.
It's just like this blog and my private FaceBook page and a hundred other things he doesn't understand or approve of.
I was his clone for over 3 decades. Now I'm me and it's been hard on both of us!
But I love him. He wants me to stay, I want to and the rest just "is what it is".

Another good truth!

I'd like to dedicate this next song to my friends.
I have the worlds best friends who have walked with me through motherhood, addiction, loss and laughter. They've loved me unconditonally. 

But when the perfect storm passed and I emerged a changed and strange person they were as lost and confused about me as I was.
I began to shelter them and protect them from the new me because they had sheltered and protected me for so long.

But it's very lonely when you lead a double (a split) life.
I needed someone who could except me for who I am and I found that in the newness of 2 very old friendships.

I think that makes me a very lucky woman. 
I live two very separate, very different lives. Whichever one I'm in I've always got a friend. 
In a perfect world I could merge the two. But perfection is not for this world. So I do what I must to survive. I do my best to love and protect all those involved. And mostly I pray. I pray every day that the Lord will protect those who love me and choose to stand by me from the consequences of my choices.
Lay all the burden and blame on me. It's my life, it's my choice. 

You gotta love that one!! :)

"You've Got A Friend" james taylor

http://youtu.be/K_MdSu0I620

"When you're down and troubled

  And you need some love and care,

  And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.

  Close your eyes and think of me

  And soon I will be there

  To brighten up even your darkest nights.

  You just call out my name,

  And you know wherever I am

  I'll come running, to see you again.

  Winter, spring, summer or fall,

  All you got to do is call

  And I'll there, yeah, yeah, yeah, now

  You've got a friend.

  If the sky above you

  Should grow dark and full of clouds

  And that old north wind should begin to blow,

  Keep your head together

  And call my name out loud now, baby

  Soon I'll be knocking upon your door.

  You just call out my name

  And you know wherever I am

  I'll come running to see you again.
  Winter, spring, summer or fall

  Now all you got to do is call on me

  And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Tell me ain't it good to know 

  That you've got a friend

  When people can be so cold?

  They'll hurt you and desert you.

  They'll take your soul if you let them.

  But don't you let them.

  You just call out my name 

  And you know wherever I am

  I'll come running, running, yeah, yeah, yeah

  To see you again.

  Winter, spring, summer or fall,

  Now all you've got to do is call

  And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah now,

  You've got a friend.

  You've got a friend.

  Ain't it good to know,
  That you've got a friend?

  Ain't it good to know?

  You've got a friend."

But I need a friend to hold my hand....

and you're the only one who will...

Don't stay away too long,

I'm lonely...elle