An uphill battle and a "thank you"

I wrote yesterday in my post "Torment" about the uphill battle I'm struggling with.
Having suffered from depression on and off for many years I have learned to read my body and my moods.

Granted, nothing in my past has come near what I have experienced this past year and a half. The severity, depth and total lack of control over this present depression has been especially difficult.

I knew when I started thinking about death again that the level road I've been enjoying the past few weeks was getting very steep, very fast!

I don't know why writing about it helps, but it does!
I kept a journal for years. In it were my struggles, my prayers and the scriptures and words of encouragement I never failed to get from the Lord and from the people He sent into my life.
I can no longer journal on paper (I know it's weird but it is what it is!).

Having no faith-walk has left me very alone. I always had the Lords Spirit to turn too and now I don't.

I'm not going to debate the faith issue. I can't handle it. I get VERY angry, very quickly when I try to explain why I turned away from God.

This blog has been a source of release for me. I am able to say here what I can't say anywhere else. I am processing as best I can. I am a word person. Having a place to say and express the 1200 words per minute that swirl and torment me is crucial to my day to day life.

I spent much of yesterday trying to process and express the feelings and emotions I shared in "Torment". Then I was back at it this morning. Tweaking the wording, the sentence structure, the spelling. 

My perfectionism is either at full throttle or non-existent.
For example, I try all week to motivate myself to clean house, to unpack boxes or decorate for fall. But I don't want to do those things. I don't want to repaint the front door or the beautiful old iron bed I bought while on my trip. I'm content for the bed and an entire garage full of projects to just disappear. Just leave me alone!

I find peace here, at this keyboard.
After I poured my heart out about the torment I'm fighting, my fear of "little blue eyes" death and my bunny story I was almost immediately free from the pressure. 

I called a computer friend who helped me get the music back on my page and then I started cleaning the house! Go figure!!

I was nearly giddy. Carrying the heaviness of the guilt, confusion and hopelessness of depression is very exhausting.
Getting the crap out of my mind and onto this page is freeing.

I want to say thank you.
Thank you to those who read what I write, encourage me, keep a close eye on me, pray for me and love me. 

Soon, very soon a day is coming when I will think normally again.
A day when I will not need this keyboard as my only link to the world.
A day when what does or does not come into my "in box" does not reduce me to tears or set my feet to dancing.
A day when I don't live tethered to the internet, "just in case".
A day when the knowledge of the above doesn't burden those I love and cause them unnecessary fear or guilt.

Until that day I ask the Lord regularly to bless my readers and to protect those I love from the consequences of my choices. I don't ask anything for me.
He knows me and still loves me. He will make a way where there seems to be no way.

My faith is shot but I still believe, I will always believe. elle 

Major depression

Depression - major; Unipolar depression; Major depressive disorder

Last reviewed: March 15, 2011.

Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.

True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The exact cause of depression is not known. Many researchers believe it is caused by chemical changes in the brain. This may be due to a problem with your genes, or triggered by certain stressful events. More likely, it's a combination of both.

Some types of depression run in families. But depression can also occur if you have no family history of the illness. Anyone can develop depression, even kids.

The following may play a role in depression:

• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Certain medical conditions, including underactive thyroid, cancer, or long-term pain
• Certain medications such as steroids
• Sleeping problems
• Stressful life events

Symptoms

Depression can change or distort the way you see yourself, your life, and those around you.

People who have depression usually see everything with a more negative attitude, unable to imagine that any problem or situation can be solved in a positive way.

Symptoms of depression can include:

• Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
• Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
• Very difficult to concentrate
• Fatigue and lack of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
• Becoming withdrawn or isolated
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping

Depression can appear as anger and discouragement, rather than feelings of sadness.

If you do not feel better with antidepressants and talk therapy, you may have treatment-resistant depression. Your doctor will often prescribe higher (but still safe) doses of an antidepressant, or a combination of medications.

Talk therapy is counseling to talk about your feelings and thoughts, and help you learn how to deal with them.

Types of talk therapy include:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches you how to fight off negative thoughts. You will learn how to become more aware of your symptoms and how to spot things that make your depression worse. You'll also be taught problem-solving skills.
• Psychotherapy can help you understand the issues that may be behind your thoughts and feelings.
• Joining a support group of people who are sharing problems like yours can also help. Ask your therapist or doctor for a recommendation.

Prevention

Do not drink alcohol or use illegal drugs. These substances can make depression worse and might lead to thoughts of suicide.

Take your medication exactly as your doctor instructed. Ask your doctor about the possible side effects and what you should do if you have any. Learn to recognize the early signs that your depression is getting worse.

The following tips might help you feel better:

• Get more exercise
• Maintain good sleep habits
• Seek out activities that bring you pleasure
• Volunteer or get involved in group activities
• Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling
• Try to be around people who are caring and positive

For people who have repeated episodes of depression, quick and ongoing treatment may be needed to prevent more severe, long-term depression. Sometimes people will need to stay on medications for long periods of time.   (an article from PubMedHealth)

I don't know if this has anything to do with today's post but I love music videos and thought this one was great. Plus I love Brad Paisley!


"Brad Paisley- Remind Me" (behind the scenes)
http://youtu.be/-TEB41GenXs


"It was really hard to do but it should look great. I hope it does. In the end you should say 'wow, that looks like you guys had a great time'." Brad Paisley


This sorta spoke to me. So much seems so real but is just for show. 

Now let's watch the video and see how real it really looks. 

"Remind Me" (duet, brad paisley/carrie underwood)

http://youtu.be/7qzhngp7jh8

If I hadn't seen the "behind the scenes" I would have been convinced.
But it's like life, like Brad said "It was hard to do but it should look great, I hope it does."

Made me question life, love, marriage...
How much of it is real and how much is a show we work really hard at so that it will look great? Is our goal the same as Brad's? "In the end you should say 'wow, that looks like you guys had a great time".

Kinda scary when you think about it. That's exactly what people thought when they looked at my life and our marriage. Until I started telling the truth that is. Now they don't know what the hell to think. But neither do I.

I think I'm "over-thinking" again....


"Take Me There" rascal flatts
http://youtu.be/vuL0SJiAOcM

"There's a place in your heart 
  Where nobody's been
  Take me there.
  Things nobody knows
  Not even your friends
  Take me there.
  Tell me about your momma, your daddy
  Your home town, show me around.
  I wanna see it all,
  Don't leave anything out.


  I wanna know, everything about you.
  And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
  Where your hopes and dreams 
  And wishes live,
  Where you keep the rest of your life hid
  I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare
  Take me there.


  Your first real kiss,
  Your first real love,
  You were scared.
  Take me there.
  You learned about life,
  Spent your summer nights without a care.
  Take me there.
  I wanna roll down mainstreet and backroads
  Like you did when you were a kid.
  What makes you who you are,
  Tell me what your story is.

  I wanna know, everything about you.
  And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
  Where your hopes and dreams
  And wishes live,
  Where you keep the rest of your life hid.
  I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.
  Take me there.


  I wanna roll down main street
  I wanna know your hopes 
  And your dreams.
  Take me, take me there."


Good news, I'm not staying home all alone for the weekend.
Part of me is hurt, part angry, part disappointed.
But all those emotions come from the root of control.
I can't control others,
they won't do it my way,
I get royally pissed and still can't control life.
It is what it is and I don't like it!
And nobody gives a shit! Get over it girly. Grow up.


So I am.
I'm going to the deer lease with my husband, my son and my not so favorite brother in law.
I don't know why I fight so hard.
The weather is going to be fantastic! 
I can fish, read, shoot and go 4-wheeling.
My husband is giddy with excitement.
Why would I choose to stay home alone, drink alone and hurt alone just because someone who knows I'm alone is willing to let me be alone?
And how childish is all that? VERY!!!

Oh yeah, I decorated my table for fall.
After I vacuumed and dusted!
Progress!!!
Have a great and blessed weekend! elle