It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Memory Lane

I got up the nerve to talk to people and invite them to visit "The Music In My Heart". This is major. I am a chatty kathy if I know you but in unfamiliar settings I'm really quiet and insecure. Since the dark days came I have grown very isolated, have shut out old friends and only talk to those that are more stubborn than I :)

This is one of the comments I got from Gina after she visited:
"You seem like a sweetheart with quite a spirit!"
I couldn't have said it better Gina!

I love this blog.
I love the freedom it has afforded me.
I love the anonymity that allows me to say what I could never say in front of my husband, friends, grown children and certainly not church people!

I tried a test blog a couple of weeks ago and NO one commented. It was on my public FaceBook page and once I publicly admitted that I drink beer that was it, complete silence. No one wanted to hear it and they sure as hell didn't want to go on record as supporting it.

I got the message, deleted everything and still no one speaks of it.
I get a little tickled thinking about it. I love the movie "The Village". In it there are these evil, scary creatures, "the thing we do not speak of" as they call it. As the movie progresses, the fear mounts and then you discover that "the things we do not speak of" are all farce. They are a ploy to protect the secrets of the elders.
Sounds strangely familiar to me. The thing we don't speak about, "the day mom lost her mind, went to sleep and woke up a strange, wild woman who we keep hoping will go away and send our old mom (wife, daughter, friend) back!!!

But no will say it in my presence except my husband. I can only imagine what is said behind my back.

But I'm not scared to say it. I'm not the old me I used to be. I'm just as baffled by the new me I don't know how to be. There is so much I don't have answers to.
These things I know. I never liked the old me and I think the new me is pretty great except for all the major rough places that need a lot of refining!!

So I have invited people to visit and they are! I know that a lot of my posts (most of my posts) are negative to very negative.
I sat down this morning and reread all of them. I've really come a long way in just a few short months!

I made a list of my favorites;
"It All Began" 7/12/11
"Magical Moments vs Borrowed Music" 7/15/11

"Somewhere Only We Know" 7/19/11
"Welcome To Sunday Morning" 7/24/11
"My Perfect Storm" 7/27/11
"A Gift To Be Treasured" 7/29/11
" I was hoping I wouldn't wake up" 8/3/11
****** "Frog and Toad" 8/4/11****
"Change" 8/7/11
"Change is not coming" 8/7/11
"Pretty In Pink" 8/18/11

"Another beautiful day" 9/8/11
" Write a book" 10/3/11

I enjoyed reading my poetry, my love songs and my funny signs.

This is one of my favorites:

"I am a boat on the shore
 You are the ocean.
 The possibilities would seem endless
 If I was seaworthy and

 You had need of a boat.
 But I'm not and you don't." 8/10/11

For September 11th (9-11) I wrote this:

"What quiet dawn shall break the day
  In solitude or work of hands
  To chase the truths away?
  I dare not say
  That on today
  The world of dreams
  Was blown away.
  And at our feet the smoldering ash
  Shattered safety now broken glass.
  We don't question why they weep
  Or when they scream down in their sleep.
  No one labels in degrees

  The pain of those who lived yet grieve." 

This was very eye opening:

I turned seventeen in November,
I was pregnant by December and
I was married in February...
And I thought, "this is me, I'm elle".

I often start out negative only to come to the end of a post and find, just like at the end of a journey, that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
That's what happened on 8/18/11.
The post is called "Pretty In Pink" and still breaks my heart when I read it.
It's about the me that I lost. The good me. But by the end of the post I find that deep inside all the good that was me before, is still there.
I was on the floor with one of my grands, I was singing to her (my favorite part of the old me). I was feeling guilty because I didn't have the strength or energy that the fun old Nana did. I felt like I had lost the love that used to just pour from my heart, my words, my songs and my prayers.
I wrote this to "little miss":

"This is one Nana used to sing to you while I rocked you.
You were a tiny baby then, but you loved the music, just like you do now.
And I love you now just like I did then."

Such powerful words. For so long I couldn't see the love in the darkness.
But I started rocking her, holding her close, singing softly and I knew.
I knew that there is still a wonderful, loving Nana in here. (happy tears)

"We're going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with watermelon now. Then "little miss" and I are going to take a well deserved nap." 

I've enjoyed today's little trip down memory lane.
I hope that our visitors find the good.
It's here, you just have to dig a little :)
With love, elle

"Baby Mine" bette midler

"Baby mine, don't you cry.
  Baby mine, dry your eyes.
  Rest your head close to my heart,
  Never to part, baby of mine.

  Little one, when you play,
  Pay no heed what they say.
  Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
  Never a tear, baby of mine.

  If they knew all about you,
  They'd end up loving you too.
  All those same people who scold you,
  What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

  From your head down to your toes,
  You're not much, goodness knows.
  But you're so precious to me,
  Sweet as can be, baby of mine."

Pinned Image
I leave with beauty and with love.
Until tomorrow, elle


  1. I have learned in recovery that there are those I trust and those I don't and not everyone needs to know everything. I am past the feeling that I have to be totally honest with everyone. I try to be totally honest with myself. Even with my children, I don't tell them everything. After all, I wouldn't have wanted to know everything about my mother. Your drinking habits are none of my business and anyway they are for you do figure out. Been there, done that. I believe each of us has things we don't share and that is just fine. You will let me know who you want to be in time.

  2. Boundaries have always been an issue for me.
    When I was in ministry it was my transparency that allowed other women to come out of their shells of depression, addiction and fear. Then I was able to listen, encourage, pray for and be there for them.
    But transparency is not a good friend maker.
    The same women who would sit on my couch, pour their heart and their tears out on my shoulder were the same women who would lower their heads (still in shame) and ignore me.
    I understand shame. I understand the rawness of emotions and the walls we build to protect ourselves.
    It was lonely to be in the ministry I was in but it was also very fulfilling and gave me an outlet for my own healing and growth.
    When my time of crisis came I found out how few people really cared. I go to a huge church! One woman calls me. She has been my friend for years. When I will allow her in she is always there for me.
    But what about the dozens of other women who were my supposed friends??
    I am dealing with anger and unforgiveness.
    My heart is hard and my attitude is "if you don't want the me I am today, then it's your loss."
    I'm moving on.
    I am my own best friend. I think I'm fun and cool and I'm proud of how far I've come.
    I'm no longer anyone's doormat. Instead I'm enjoying getting to know me.
    I take care of myself. I eat well and dance for exercise. I've lost 30 pounds and have changed my clothing and hair style.
    I acted and dressed like an old lady while I was young wife and mom.
    Now I'm the grandmother of more than a dozen!! I'll be 51 soon and I'm finally cool!!
    Life is good. I'm going to enjoy the me I am today while working out my "issues" and becoming the me I'll be tomorrow.
    Love our chats!! elle