This is one of the comments I got from Gina after she visited:
"You seem like a sweetheart with quite a spirit!"
I couldn't have said it better Gina!
I love this blog.
I love the freedom it has afforded me.
I love the anonymity that allows me to say what I could never say in front of my husband, friends, grown children and certainly not church people!
I tried a test blog a couple of weeks ago and NO one commented. It was on my public FaceBook page and once I publicly admitted that I drink beer that was it, complete silence. No one wanted to hear it and they sure as hell didn't want to go on record as supporting it.
I got the message, deleted everything and still no one speaks of it.
I get a little tickled thinking about it. I love the movie "The Village". In it there are these evil, scary creatures, "the thing we do not speak of" as they call it. As the movie progresses, the fear mounts and then you discover that "the things we do not speak of" are all farce. They are a ploy to protect the secrets of the elders.
Sounds strangely familiar to me. The thing we don't speak about, "the day mom lost her mind, went to sleep and woke up a strange, wild woman who we keep hoping will go away and send our old mom (wife, daughter, friend) back!!!
But no will say it in my presence except my husband. I can only imagine what is said behind my back.
But I'm not scared to say it. I'm not the old me I used to be. I'm just as baffled by the new me I don't know how to be. There is so much I don't have answers to.
These things I know. I never liked the old me and I think the new me is pretty great except for all the major rough places that need a lot of refining!!
So I have invited people to visit and they are! I know that a lot of my posts (most of my posts) are negative to very negative.
I sat down this morning and reread all of them. I've really come a long way in just a few short months!
I made a list of my favorites;
"It All Began" 7/12/11
"Magical Moments vs Borrowed Music" 7/15/11
"Somewhere Only We Know" 7/19/11
"Welcome To Sunday Morning" 7/24/11
"My Perfect Storm" 7/27/11
"A Gift To Be Treasured" 7/29/11
" I was hoping I wouldn't wake up" 8/3/11
****** "Frog and Toad" 8/4/11****
"Change is not coming" 8/7/11
"Pretty In Pink" 8/18/11
"Another beautiful day" 9/8/11
" Write a book" 10/3/11
I enjoyed reading my poetry, my love songs and my funny signs.
This is one of my favorites:
"I am a boat on the shore
You are the ocean.
The possibilities would seem endless
If I was seaworthy and
You had need of a boat.
But I'm not and you don't." 8/10/11
For September 11th (9-11) I wrote this:
"What quiet dawn shall break the day
In solitude or work of hands
To chase the truths away?
I dare not say
That on today
The world of dreams
Was blown away.
And at our feet the smoldering ash
Shattered safety now broken glass.
We don't question why they weep
Or when they scream down in their sleep.
No one labels in degrees
The pain of those who lived yet grieve."
This was very eye opening:
I turned seventeen in November,
I was pregnant by December and
I was married in February...
And I thought, "this is me, I'm elle". 10/3/11
I often start out negative only to come to the end of a post and find, just like at the end of a journey, that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
That's what happened on 8/18/11.
The post is called "Pretty In Pink" and still breaks my heart when I read it.
It's about the me that I lost. The good me. But by the end of the post I find that deep inside all the good that was me before, is still there.
I was on the floor with one of my grands, I was singing to her (my favorite part of the old me). I was feeling guilty because I didn't have the strength or energy that the fun old Nana did. I felt like I had lost the love that used to just pour from my heart, my words, my songs and my prayers.
I wrote this to "little miss":
"This is one Nana used to sing to you while I rocked you.
You were a tiny baby then, but you loved the music, just like you do now.
And I love you now just like I did then."
Such powerful words. For so long I couldn't see the love in the darkness.
But I started rocking her, holding her close, singing softly and I knew.
I knew that there is still a wonderful, loving Nana in here. (happy tears)
"We're going to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with watermelon now. Then "little miss" and I are going to take a well deserved nap."
I've enjoyed today's little trip down memory lane.
I hope that our visitors find the good.
It's here, you just have to dig a little :)
With love, elle
"Baby Mine" bette midler
"Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part, baby of mine.
Little one, when you play,
Pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear, baby of mine.
If they knew all about you,
They'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you,
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.
From your head down to your toes,
You're not much, goodness knows.
But you're so precious to me,
Sweet as can be, baby of mine."
I leave with beauty and with love.
Until tomorrow, elle