It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Just add water...

(this post follows the one I wrote this morning; "dark, drowning, depression")

Can't promise it works every time but thank goodness it worked today!

I told my husband over the phone I had to get away, I was going to the park and I'd be home in time for DD to go to work.
I threw his lunch in the oven and left the house angry, driving through a haze of tears. By the time I reached the water I was quiet and numb. I backed my truck up to the water, sat barefoot on the tailgate staring into the wind.
Time. Friend or foe??? I never know
Alone. Friend or foe??? It varies

But today both 'time' and 'time alone' were on my side. No phone meant no temptation to text and no obsession to share the beauty or the despair.

I spent almost 2 hours in wind, water and sun therapy. I laid on a blanket in the back of my truck and slept a deep, dreamless sleep. I woke in time to grab lunch at my favorite taco joint and got home just in time for my daughter to go to work (and me to go on "duty" with the grands).

I do need to share this funny episode;
My husband was not happy about my trip to the water. He never is.
He was not happy that I wasn't here when he came home for lunch. I'm always home.
He wasn't happy that I'd accidentally left my phone at home. Neither was I.

When I arrived home some 2 hours later I saw that he was still here. I went flying in the back door knowing that no one could reach me and he would be worried.
Sitting with him at the dining table was daughter #2. I could tell she was upset and had been crying.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I ran away to mom's to 'escape', only to find that you weren't here. You'd gone to the park to 'escape'." she laughs.
She and I are both laughing now. My huband is just sitting there (poor hubby....he's surrounded by emotional women :).
DD #2 and I head to the back porch to compare "sob stories" and hubs heads back to work thankful that I'm back home safe and back "on duty".

Life is strange. Just this morning I was debating; "Is it better to be depressed here where people are always in my space or to be depressed somewhere like the beach where it is beautiful but desperately lonely?"
I already tend towards negative thoughts. Depression is isolating. A negative me in isolation is not a good combination. I've never attempted to take my life but I never fail to think seriously about the pro's and cons of living vs dying,  my worthlessness vs the effect such an action would have on my family.

Another "never fail"; I never fail to give thanks that I didn't make the wrong decision in a dark, depressed place.
The water and the time away worked.
I'm better now. Glad to be alive :). Aware that the darkness hides just outside the light :(

I didn't get any house work done, there is nothing thawed for supper BUT I'm home and safe. Daughter #1 is at work and I'm here caring for her little ones. Daughter #2 is back home ready to tackle the challenges of a large family. She knows she is going to "make it". She's seen her mamma do it for years.

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