It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What's in a name????

 "I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I've never been able to believe it. I don't believe a rose would be as nice if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage."
Anne (with an e) of Green Gables

Anne always found it important to remind people that her name was spelled with an "e".
Not Ann, but Anne.
It was her name, unique to her and worth spelling right!

Our daughters name was mispelled at birth. Like Anne the letter missing is an "e". Actually 2 e's.
Two missing e's doesn't seem like a big issue but the mis-spelling seperated her from a very special person in my life and instead linked her with a 'not so favorite' person.
Our sweet girl was delivered by a mid-wife at our home. (great story for another day!)
I was excited to name her after my best friend and maid of honor, Emelie.
I also had a cousin by marriage, Emily.
After her birth my husband and our pastor went straight to the Judge and registered
her birth as Emily Amanda.
I did not discover the misspelling for several days and was told that the process to correct the mistake was a complicated and lengthy one.
With 3 small children and a newborn I relented. I didn't have the strength to fight it.

I don't talk about the mis-spelling because I love her and I would never want her to feel that 2 e's would somehow change that.
Do I wish her name had been spelled right? Yes.
When my friend Emelie thinks about me I wish that thought was accompanied by the thought that I loved her so much that I named my daughter after her.

I go by many names. My given name, an altered version for family, my maiden name, my middle name, and my online name's'.
Having so many name's' has NOT brought peace. It makes me anxious. I feel myself being torn between different worlds as I move from one name (identity) to the next.
When I escaped to this "online" world and assumed another identity I was lonely and desperate.
I found acceptance and freedom. I was much more comfortable here than in the "real" world.
I was living a beautiful dream. Loved by 2 wonderful men and unable to give up either.

My therapist warned me to be careful about splitting myself into multiple worlds, multiple identities.
I've not found a way to merge all that I am, so I will continue to move ahead steadily, happy with the progress I've made and anticipating what's next.

There will come a time when the "me" who blogs, likes "iffy" jokes, cold beer, dancing and non-Christian music is as welcome in my "real" world as the "me" who plays with grandbabies, goes shopping with my girls, 'junkin with my mom and makes love to one good man.

This online world of secrets has become very lonely.
I look forward to the day when I am no longer split. The day I welcome elle into the world of L.E.
What's in a name?
For this nana, mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend and lover of fun my name's' are everything.

They are who I am and who I am becoming.

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