I'm just going to jot down some thoughts and come back later to organize and beautify :).

I worried and worried about yesterdays post. Why did I write it? Why did I send it?
I felt guilt and shame. I felt stupid. My old "self loathing" trying to sneek back in.

This morning I logged on as quickly as I could. Maybe I could fix what I screwed up again!
(with you I felt like a perpetual screw up.
without you I feel like a screw up/obsessed stalker :).

I read what I wrote and smiled. There was nothing wrong with it. I wasn't being needy or wanty or bad in some way.
It was a good post. I enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed the warmth and the smile I felt remembering the good memories.

I wasn't overwhelmed by the loss. I felt a mild dread, but that ache of loss is just a reminder that everything about you was real. To me our friendship was beautiful. Far from perfect but so precious to me.

Later gator....