It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Trying harder

I wrote yesterday about "decisions".
It turned out to be as much or more about the "questions" I'm tortured with than the decisions I make.
I reread it this morning and saw immediately that it was really just more of me wining about the way things are.
I fall so easily into the "poor me" attitude :(

Yesterday evening I chose to go for a long, "burn that fat" walk.
Back home I took one of my favorite CD's onto the back porch, turned on the ceiling fan and spent a full 45 min with beautiful music. I stretched, lifted light weights and did a modified form of ballet and yoga. It felt amazing. I was wonderfully tired and relaxed.

I walked the length of the porch drinking in the colors of dusk as I cooled down.
I sat in the evening breeze watching the beauty unfold around me.
I thought about love. I thought about life. I thought about trying harder.
My husband was in the house.
He was missing out on the beauty.
That was his choice.

The beauty of the sunrise and sunset is a constant of everyday. It is up to me to get up early enough in the morning or to slow down long enough in the evening to enjoy what is free, available and magnificent.
Life is that way. There is beauty in every day. There are moments of magnificence. Moments of joy. It is up to me to watch for and appreciate them. These life moments are often short lived. They burst into life and then retreat.
I'm not guaranteed a day full of beautiful moments. But if I try harder and look deeper I will find them.

Watching the colors of dusk turn the sky from blue to orange to pink last night moved me.
The colors became vibrant and almost fire like! Then they simmered and mellowed into colors I can't even describe except to say... "it was beautiful".

I am exactly the same way. I am warm, vibrant, almost fire like at times. I simmer and mellow into an amazing, beautiful person.
I find beauty easily. I love the birds, the breeze, the colors, smells and sounds of the outdoors. I enjoy good movies, long walks and quiet evenings. I enjoy sharing them.

It is my desire to share. I don't want to feel all these lovely feelings of beauty without someone to share them with. That is why I blog. I need to share. I need to be heard.

It is why I retreat to fantasy. A place where a man who loves me sits beside me.

Again this is an area where I need to try harder.
My life "is what it is". My marriage "is what it is".
I am blessed to have all my physical needs met.

It is up to me to be who I am, to give what I can, to enjoy and live.
It is not up to me to make my husband happy.
It is not up to him to make me happy.
Happiness is a choice I will try harder to make for myself.

I will try harder to judge him less and accept him more.
I will continue to be me and make my joy, my fun, my adventures available to him.
But it is up to him to enjoy the beauty of the sunrise and sunset that is me.

I will try harder...

LIZ ON TOP OF THE WORLD pride and prejudice

The soundtrack from Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorites ever! It moves me with the same passion as the colors of dusk.
Liz On Top Of The World is an amazing piece of music. But it is also painful. It bursts forth with beauty and lures me in. Then as quickly as it is gone.
I find our time together to be the same. Amazing yet painful. Full of beauty then gone.
But I still call it my favorite!


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