It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Sunday, June 17, 2012

what controls me, what I control

On Oct. 26, 2010 I wrote a post called "mountain climbing".
I reread it today.
I rewrote some of it.
It's about going around the same mountain over and over and over.
It's about what we learn with every trip.

I've been discouraged lately. I'm back, again, where I started. Back to a place of hopelessness that is all too familiar.
I feel isolated, hurt, angry and tired. Each trip from hopelessness to hope takes much energy.

The first time I blogged about my trip around this mountain I wanted to die. Literally.
The second time I wanted to live :)
The first time I saw no hope.
The second time I had found hope but still hadn't found my way.

This time my way is even more unclear. Reality is making my journey very weighty. I feel myself retreating. I feel the discouragement that comes with saying "I tried and failed".
I tried to be my own person but I failed. I tried to leave but I stayed. I tried to fly but a cage is my home.

I've spent the last 8 weeks without Love. It's gone and it's not coming back.
I've spent the last year trying to convince myself that it's better to have security than acceptance, food than love, a roof than happiness.
That makes me safe, full and sheltered.
It also leaves me vulnerable, empty and trapped.

Did I learn anything this time around???
Yes
...I learned that my roots are DEEP. If I pull up and move on it will leave a massive hole in the lives of many. I don't know if I could ever be happy or find a place of peace knowing that my children, my husband (or ex), and many friends would be left behind believing, praying and standing for my return.

...I learned that I can control my husband with alcohol. He HATES it on every level. All it takes is one glass of wine and I don't have to deal with him for several days. He sleeps on the couch, avoids me and doesn't speak to me.
This used to crush me. The rejection was nearly unbearable.
It used to anger me! It used to control me. It was his tool. He knows I will do almost anything to be accepted and avoid rejection.

Now I'm afraid I've turned a dangerous corner. This is a powerful weapon and it seems that once again he's pushed me over an edge I never would have crossed.

Once again I'm giving control to something that has the power to both control and destroy me. But I'm running out of options.
 

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