It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Monday, June 4, 2012


"comments make my day. so leave one & be awesome." by abbie @awakened
abbie still makes me smile. i love her youth and innocence, her love of photography and love of words.

My worD pot has been filling up and filling up and filling up. I can feel a spillover coming. I desperately need to find a new therapist. With a thought life of 1200 words a minute, a husband who  listens but is clueless to what I'm saying, a best friend who's life is unbelievably full of drama and my personality that does not lend itself to making and keeping friends.....I've got no one to talk too.
(i am aware that "I've got no" is grammatically incorrect, but I've still got no one to talk too :).
I'm sorta clueless of where to start. Do I write about my continuing obsession? The futility of said obsession? My proposal to my husband? The mistake I made with said proposal and the feelings of panic I now have?  How aware I am of life around me? How lovely the St. Augustine feels under my feet or the playing of the birds delights me more and more each day? The stab of regret and the dull ache I carry? An ache that reminds me that I've no one to share the waves, the bunny or the snake I see in the passing clouds? The fear that old things are returning to haunt me? The fact that I had to force myself to sit on the porch this morning when only last week I was bitching because I couldn't get outside enough? The fear that I am being lured back into my cage? That I will slowly give up the fight, relent and settle?

I have a blog in my head that links the upcoming movie LesMiserables with a song by Ben Howard called The Wolves. It is my thoughts on spirituality, demons and God. I believe wholeheartedly in the existence of each but it is a battle I am unwilling to participate in. (although I know I am knee deep in the blood of said battle)
I have another about old phrases, questions, and new ideas:
"If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?" (i say yes)
"What you don't know can't hurt you." ???? (like i said, i have enough thoughts on that one to do an entire page :)
What about this one???  Every 20 years or so a marriage should end and the people get to start over. That one has me stumped. I'm 34 years into this one. Some days I am content to spend another 34 where I am and some days the thought makes me want to jump off a cliff.

DESPERATION miranda lambert

I feel like my worD pot has been emptied enough that I can avoid a fruitless contact with someone who will neither acknowledge or respond to anything I have to say. I was lonely when I started this blog 11 months ago. I was lonely when I started typing this morning. I am still alone.
But there are 11 birds lined up on the top of my fence and I can't help but laugh. They keep moving from one end to the other, trading spots and arguing. The sky is a perfect blue with the slightest breeze moving the clouds. The dogs are quiet and the birds are LOUD.
and I'm smiling :).

Be blessed, elle

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