I'm no quitter!

I believe I left you last Thursday as I tried to tough out the side effects of a new medication.
Being sick and getting well take hard work. When you're sick it's difficult to find the strength or the will to fight the fight.
I've been sick before. Years of chronic arthritis pain left my dreadful of facing the day. It was such a struggle to dress, to walk, to pick up my babies.
Several years later I developed a rare condition that prevented me from sleeping for over 3 years. I struggled with a racing heart beat, low blood pressure and constant pain in my legs. I had no strength to walk up stairs, shop or play.
These were declared "lifelong" conditions. I'm so thankful that I proved the doctors otherwise.


The depression I suffer with today is different from the depression I suffered years ago. It is deeper and darker. Though it is different, more difficult and has stolen over 2 years of my life, I continue the fight. I am more certain than ever that the end is near. 


I no longer want to die. I encourage myself over and over with my new found affirmation: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important" (The Help). I am determined to find the right medications to repair the imbalance in my brain (again). I've been down this road of trial and error and I'm no quitter.


I believe my age, the sufferings of life and the pounding of loss have caused this fight to be the most difficult on my mind and my body.
The side effects I suffered from on Thursday, the dilated eyes, dizziness and diorientation, are still with me. 
But Thursdays problems grew and became very serious.
By Sat. afternoon I stopped urinating. I was up all night that night trying warm baths, showers, anything!!! By 8:30 Sunday morning (16 hours later) I knew I was headed to the emergency room.

I was blessed that we went to a small hospital and they got to me within 2 hours. The catheterized me and sent me home which wasn't a very good idea.
Unfortunately we were back within 4 hours and I was all but screaming in agony.
I have a high threshold for pain but I had reached my limit.

They cathetered me again, called a urologist, poison control, my family doctor and the psychiatrist who wrote the original prescription. They should have done all that the first time around and things wouldn't have gotten so out of control. 

They were preparing me to go home with the folley bag but
I was still in unbearable pain. I knew I could not make it 48 hours with that bag of torture attached to my body!!
I had a major panic attack and cried to my husband "I can't do this". Those aren't words he hears often from me concerning my physical health. I am a strong willed, 'do it my way' type person. I had all 5 of my babies 100% naturally. I had one at home with a midwife, had stitches with no anesthesia and never once said "I can't do this".

My husband proceeded to explain to the doctor that the reason I am taking the new medication is for severe depression that is accompanied by major anxiety. But seeing me have a complete meltdown w/panic attack was what it took before someone finally believed me and decided they'd better do something and FAST!
5 min. later I was getting a shot for pain and a nice large dose of Valium.
I was sent home with 2 prescriptions for pain and one for infection.
Thank you kindly, what the hell took you so long!!!

I made it through the remainder of Labor Day Weekend without any other major set backs. I even managed to shower Monday afternoon,  tie my tubes to my leg and have lunch at my mother-in-laws. Then we spent an hour sitting by the water at my favorite park enjoying the cool breeze. I enjoyed it so much. It felt so good to feel sun on my body and the breeze in my hair.

Then we came home to watch three episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I felt like I'd been wined, dined and pampered as my husband kept me comfy, fed and entertained.
It is times like this weekend when I realize how difficult, lonely and nearly impossible it would be to walk away from this man who dotes on me and takes such very, very good care of me.

Life's a bitch sometimes. I'm a bitch lots of the time.
I want something, then I don't. I don't want something and then I do. I'm happy and fun and then I can turn on a dime and bite your hand off.
I obviously have a long way to go before "You is kind" becomes part of who I really am. But I'm no quitter.

I still have to try another medication and risk the side effects. But I'm no quitter.


I want my cake and I expect to eat it too. I'm stubborn and strong-willed, yet weak and frightened. I am an oxi-moron on soooo many levels!!! I never know what tomorrow will hold or which version of me is going to open her eyes in the morning. But I'm no quitter! (at least not today)


Love to all, elle 


This song is exactly the opposite of what I wrote about today. Today was a day to declare I will survive. A reminder of the good man who loves me, cares for  me and has dedicated his life to me.

But my  life is still very confused. There is the truth of a good man on one side and the truth of another good man on the other side.
This song reminds me so much of the songs I sang as a young teenager when everything was so emotion driven (LOL! as if I'm not emotion driven now!!!). 
I love the song and remember singing it at the top of my lungs as I cried on the beach. Heartbroken over some lost love I don't even remember now. 

The beach;
where I found love, lost love, made love and walked away from Love.

Love surrounds me now and I've chosen to taste, see and enjoy it all. To not let one moment be wasted. I never knew that Love would find me again. I do not know how long it will stay or how big a hole it will leave when it's gone. So for now I choose Love. I walked away once.
Now I'm standing in the surf, f2f, toes touching, north to south. This time I won't be the one who walks away.


"Without You" harry nilsson
http://youtu.be/MKqenACEPa8


"No, I can't forget this evening
  Or your face as you were leaving
  But I guess that's just the way the story goes
  You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
  Yes, it shows


  No, I can't forget tomorrow
  When I think of all my sorrow
  When I had you there but then I let you go
  And now it's only fair that I should let you know
  What you should know


  I can't live if living is without you
  I can't live, I can't give anymore
  I can't live if living is without you
  I can't give, I can't give anymore


  No, I can't forget this evening 
  Or your face as you were leaving
  But I guess that's just the way the story goes
  You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
  Yes, it shows"


"No, I can't forget tomorrow when I think of all your sorrow, when I had you there but then I let you go. And now it's only fair that I should let you know, what you should know."
I'm sorry that I forgot. Even more that I was so cruel, "You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows." I can't go back and redo, it wouldn't work if I could. So let me kiss away that sorrow and replace the memories of hurt with ones of joy. You are my Love.

"Hey baby, I love you..."

"Hey baby, I love you

  Hey baby, I need you

  Hey baby, you ain't got prove to me

  You're some kinda of macho man

  You've wasted so much of you life

  Runnin' through the dark night

  Let me shine some love light

  Down on that blues man"

"Blues Man" alan jackson & hank williams jr

http://youtu.be/kN1y5gTMfTQ


I won't dishonor your song by givin' my opinion of which verses remind me of you or which "she" 'stuck it out' and 'hung in there.'
I only know this "she" loves you and needs you. Thinks you're a number one mans kind of man who treats me gentle and kind.
"You make me laugh when the tears would fall, 
  Protected me from another's call 
  And if you play for me you know I'll fall
  Forever under your spell." L.E.

I'm under house arrest for DUID

I'm under house arrest. It seems that I have been seriously impaired by my new meds. So if I drove, which I don't think I can, I would be driving Under the Influence of Drugs. 


"I don't feel very good." I told my husband at lunch. "Would you check my eyes?"
So he got a pen and I got an in-house, field sobriety test which only lasted through the eye exam.

He's laughing, "You're plastered! If you need something wait for me to get home and I'll take care of it. DO NOT DRIVE!"


No arguments from me. I can feel that my head is kinda spinning and I'm really sleepy and I don't want to walk across the house, let alone drive. I just want a nap, but when I lay down the room starts spinning.
But I will have to drive sooner or later. My body and brain will adjust and make allowances for the side effects. I've always been very sensitive to medication and I'm very in-tune to my body. If something is off I know it. 

A few weeks ago I went out for a nice long dinner with a friend, my son, his wife, their 3 year old and 2 ladies from church. We were celebrating a birthday. 3 of us had a beer. We ate and talked for well over an hour. Then we drove to a local coffee shop where we drank coffee, ate cake and talked another 2 hours. Then I drove the 45 minutes home. I felt fine.
If I had felt like I feel now I would never have driven
OMG! You would have thought I drank a fifth of tequila, jumped in my car, sped home and hit 2 pedestrians in the process.



My husband was livid. How could I drink and drive? Why would I drink in front of our son? Didn't we agree that there would be no more alcohol and especially not in front of the kids?


Well first, our son is not a kid. He may be our baby but he's 24. He is mature, married, 2nd baby on the way, and NOT a heavy drinker.
Second, I was not drinking and driving. I had one beer. Waited over an hour drove 10 minutes and drank coffee for another hour and a half before driving home. And NO, I did not agree. I listened to you rant and rave, I gave my opinion on social drinking and how it applied to me and I made no promises and gave no indication that I was going to submit to your beliefs.


Fast forward 2 weeks. My husband is out of town overnight. I buy a 6 pack, bring it home and drink 2. I am home alone so no one to corrupt. It is  Friday night so I won't smell of alcohol when he gets home on Saturday (the smell makes him nauseous).
I did not drive, I did not do it in front of our kids, I did it when he wouldn't be offended by the smell.
Sounded perfect to me. NOT!!!!!!

When he came in early Sat. evening he went straight to the frig to see if the unopened bottle of wine I've had for over 3 months was still there. 
A total freak out followed!

It took 3 days before he could sleep. Which meant it took 3 days before I could sleep because of his pacing and agitation and constant attacks.
But I stood my ground. I had not done anything illegal or immoral. I am an adult. I can weigh the pros and cons of a situation and make an informed decision about my feelings and beliefs. I do not need nor will I continue to be controlled at every move I make without permission.

Several ugly, ugly confrontations later I was informed that he just didn't know what to do since I didn't love him enough to honor his request. And when was the old Elle coming back? To which I replied, "never. I don't want her back. She was unhappy and unhealthy. I don't know what the final me is going to be like but she will be able to think for herself, love and respect herself while also loving and respecting you."


More ugly words and a major, red faced screaming me that he later shared had scared him. And he was sorry that I had to go to such extremes to be heard.  


We were sitting at the table a couple of days ago. All has been forgiven. Neither of us really sure what's next. He hates alcohol, I love a good cold beer or a glass of red wine occasionally.
But we've been having fun again. Laughing, loving, sharing and close.
He looks at me and says "I think I'm going to like the new elle".
I think we all are.


"Getting Some Fun Out Of Life" billie holiday
http://youtu.be/q5KXU9KTmbM

"When we want to love, we love
  When we want to kiss, we kiss
  With a little petting, we're getting
  Some fun out of life


  When we want to work, we work
  When we want to play, we play
  In a happy setting, we're getting
  Some fun out of life


  Maybe we do the right things
  Maybe we do the wrong
  Spending each day
  Just wending out way along


  When we want to sing, we sing
  When we want to dance, we dance
  You can do our betting, we're getting
  Some fun out of life


  Maybe we do the right things
  Maybe we do the wrong
  Spending each day
  Just wending our way along


  But when we want to sing, we sing
  When we want to dance, we dance
  You can do you're betting, we're getting
  Some fun out of life."


Great song!!!!
No matter who you are;

"It's time to be getting some fun out of life"!!!
Have a great one and "remember not to forget me", elle

Yes, I'm confused too.

I was asked yesterday if I was confused, "about life?, about us?"
Asking me about confusion is like asking my drought stricken yard if it could use some rain. HELL YES!!
Only the yard will eventually get rain.
Not so my confusion.
Why didn't I just say "Yes, I am confused. But that doesn't change how much I love you, it just makes it difficult to say & to show."
BUT,
I was hurt yesterday, which manifested like a demon of anger from hell!


I am obviously unstable. I don't think I've tried to hide that.
I have very dark days occasionally, sad, confused, waiting days most of the time and awesome, good days rarely.
But I've really been doing well in comparison to the 5 months I spent in bed, never cleaning, cooking or dressing.


Last Tuesday I went grocery shopping by myself. I cooked AND invited people to my house. I sat with them and talked and visited (well actually I listened. I still feel like a dweeb when I try to be sociable. Every time I opened my mouth I felt very stupid. So I just listened and loved on the sweet white haired baby boy in my lap). And I was so happy they came. And so hopeful that another Tuesday would come soon and I would feel normal, act normal and be normal. 


But this Tuesday came and something went terribly wrong. I spoke words  that cannot be undone and I hurt someone I love. 
Now the spark of life he lit in me is still waiting in his hands. I'm the one who blew it out and I don't know if he will ever choose to re-light what might turn on him again. 


I can scream, cry, beg and apologize, but I hurt him and it wasn't the first time. 
And he is right, I don't act like what I say. I want so much to love him and to please him but I just can't find a way to hold my feelings in, not push or demand. In my desperation to be heard and to hear I screamed too loud.
Tuesday came and went and my love has walked away.



I didn't start this blog so people would feel sorry for me. I didn't start it to prove anything, like how bad I have it.
I started it because I needed somewhere else to share and vent and laugh and process. I've been doing that on my private FB page. But it is our special page and my emotional baggage was overwhelming it.
So I started "The Music In My Heart" as a place to further my healing process.  Even if no one ever reads it, it is hugely therapeutic for me.


Being on a difficult journey and documenting it for the entire world (or a small handful) to read, evaluate and judge is very scary and risky.
Within a few days of each other I was told by 2 different but equally important people in my life that I needed to pull up my rhinestone studded boot straps, quit whining and get over it. 


I know it was said in love, in an effort to get past my walls of negativity and self hatred. 


But those walls are my defense. They were built after years and years of survival, they keep the wolves of death at bay. I can't wake up one morning and choose to be well and happy. 
But what I can do, I am doing.
I am working on both the physical & the emotional side of my depression with several professionals.
I'm giving it my best shot. 4 months ago my best shot at normalcy was to put on my clothes. Then when my husband got home I could move from the bed to the couch to watch TV with him. On better days I would go outside and sit on the porch.
But I've really progressed. Most days I get dressed, wash my face & fix my hair. 
No, I don't look forward to much and dread anything that requires serious effort but by the end of the week  I've usually managed to do a few household chores.

What does motivate me is time at the park. I choose my clothes carefully, happily dress and plan the "what if's". This is not always a safe activity because of the risk. If I get my hopes up and then they are dashed I become disappointed. I never know how disappointment is going to effect me. Most days it would manifest in tears but not this Tuesday. The more I listened the more belittled and stupid I felt.

Feeling out of control is the basis for all anger. I was being told, in my mind, to control something I cannot. I felt like all I've said and shared these past months meant nothing. Instead of acknowledging the depths I live in and the near impossiblily of escape, I was being questioned.

Would you tell a diabetic to "just quit eating sugar" and be naive enough to believe that if they did they would be healed?
I've never asked anyone to help me out of my current situation except professionals. I'm not trying make anyone responsible for me. 
I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to hide from and avoid the whole world. But I can't handle the whole world, or even small crowds. What I want and need is just a handful of people with whom I can be honest. People who will not try to fix me but instead offer encouragement, laughter and normalcy.

After feeling misunderstood, a healthy person, instead of losing it and going off the deep end, would have either gone on, secure in their own truth, or politely informed them of their mistake.
But I ain't healthy! 


Yesterday, I totally blasted the one person I spend 90% of my time trying to love, be near, understand and be understood by.  
This morning I tried to make amends or at least find a way to ask forgiveness for the unforgivable.   

I'd like to share some of that email. I think it says a lot;


    "About yesterday, I could give you a hundred reasons why I totally lost it but I won't. Some things don't deserve the honor of an explanation. 

This is not the first time I have hurt you. Not the first time I have attacked. 
I don't know how to live with the guilt or the fear of it happening again. Neither do I know how to live without you in my life.
You deserve better. You have enough drama in your life without adding mine to it. 
I wish I could say it will never happen again, but I don't have that luxury, and I don't want to start lying now when I've been as honest about everything (to a fault), as I could.

Please forgive me, again. If not for me then for you. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and has the potential to destroy. 
My years of unforgiveness have left holes the size of Texas in my heart and in my soul.  Holes that hold hurt and bitterness that I often cannot contain. Like yesterday. 


Triggers from the past. 
You should be able to identify with past hurts that trigger wrong responses in the present. Like when I said "is that it?" and you were immediately thrown into the past, being rejected, and transferring that hurt to me.
I did the same thing. Being told that I have everything I need and that others have it so much worse than I, is a major trigger for me. 
I know what I have, I know I'm a "big wus" (or pussy as my friend so eloquently put it, in her "tough love" letter), and need to "get a life".
I deal with my inability to do so everyday of my life. I really don't need to be reminded.


I will admit that the day she "called me down" I was having an exceptionally dark day and my post worried her (and me). In an attempt to reach me and shake some sense into me she shared her opinions of what I needed to do to get my life back on track. 


I did reevaluate the post and amend it. I HAD gone over the edge. 
But her suggestions, though well meant, were way off track. If someone could slap me around with some truth and change me then I'd have been totally healed and delivered years ago.
It does the opposite.
It reinforces what I've been saying for years. It cements my self loathing.

The guilt of carrying so much emotional baggage, continually attacking and hurting those who love me, when I should be able to pull myself up and enjoy my security and my family, is a heavy weight. 
I don't handle being told the obvious as if that is going to fix 50 years of illness.

Not too long ago a girl on FB told me she couldn't understand how I could be so depressed when I had such a beautiful new house. I just sat there a minute and then the anger began to boil over. Poor girl. Among way too much, I told her that I couldn't imagine why she had never been able to conceive when she lived in such a nice house and had such a loving husband. 

I think that response makes me a major BITCH. 
I know the pain infertile women deal with. I worked for years with the devastating consequences of miscarriage and infertility. Sooo many hurting, bleeding and non-functioning woman have come through my door. And though I've never lost a child or had trouble conceiving they came to me for comfort, for answers, for prayer. I was able to help them because I do understand pain. 
I didn't need to measure and compare their pain to mine in order to help them. I didn't have to prove that my spilt blood was worse than theirs. 
I didn't tell them they should be happy they only lost a baby, because the last lady through my door had lost her life, after being tortured and murdered by her husband. 

My depression and her infertility are the same. Neither of us can just choose to make it go away. I know people don't consider mental illness in the same light as physical, but I can't change that either. 

There I go, trying to explain myself when I said I wouldn't.

You asked me yesterday if I was confused. About us? About life? 
Yes. Every day without fail. 
Not so much about life anymore, I'm holding on by a thread, but I'm holding on because my husband begs me often, "just don't let go, please keep fighting". And because of those fabulous children of mine and my beautiful grands.  

About us? Hell yes I'm confused. And I'm scared. 

I know how you feel, "I can't do anything right" either."

I don't want to give up this blog. But I don't want it to hurt those I love either. 

Hell yes I'm confused. And I'm scared. Every day of my life.
I had a text this morning from a dear friend I've had for over 22 years. I have tried very hard to push her out of my life for the last year and a half.

This is a pattern of mine. Hurt them, reject them, push them away first. Supposedly it hurts less than waiting for them to hurt me, reject me and push me away when they finally realize that I am a bottomless hole. Or as my father so eloquently put it, "a selfish, worthless piece of shit". 

You can pour and pour and pour into me but you will never fill the emptiness. In the process you risk losing a large part of your heart and soul. So I'm just trying to save them all that trouble. 

I'd like to share my response to her question "how are you my precious friend?";

"I am still me. Still struggling but taking tiny steps in the right direction. Don't know how God balances that with the "big majors" that I am still unwilling to let go of. But He seems to be able to sort it all out. I am now back in hope & somehow that seems to take faith. I'm just not ready to say I'm back in faith. 

I still cry much more than I laugh and grieve more than I rejoice. But I no longer dread the dawning of a new day and most nights I sleep in peace.
Finally went to see the new psychiatrist yesterday. Liked him alot. Reduced one med & added another. Please pray for my body. I am doing well on the natural hormone replacement therapy. Now if I can just get the brain chemicals adjusted and the neurons firing again, then I know I will finally be able to process, heal and walk out of this living hell." 

Maybe I should have waited until all the above was done before I shared my story, my journey. But then it wouldn't be my journey. It would be my journey after I had spent months and years getting well enough to rewrite my story.

Yes, I'm confused.
But I want to continue on with this blog. You are not required to accompany me in the day to day struggles, but I hope you choose to stay in my life. 

You were right, I do have everything I need. I have a loving, dedicated husband who will not let me go. I also have a Father God, who though I have tried to convince Him to take me out of this hell, he too is loving and dedicated and refuses to let me go. And He knows all my secrets. 
I have a fabulous therapist who is able to accept me where I am, while helping me learn how to escape the prison walls in my mind. Then I will  learn how to live again. Finally I will be able to move forward with confidence, purpose and joy. 

I do have everything I need, but it doesn't feel like that, because of what is missing when I don't have you in my life. I need the joy, the laughter, the hope you bring me. I long for the peace of your presence and the warmth of your smile. I look forward to the sound of your voice and your view of the world that is so fresh and alive to me. Life will be so empty without long walks, laying in the grass finding animals in the clouds. I want to stand f2f in the sand again, like sooooo very long ago. I want it all and more. Without you, the emptiness overwhelms and the motivation ceases.
But I also want your peace, your happiness, your ability to move on if that's what you choose.

I have some music to share and then I'll close this day.
But always know I wait.
I don't deserve anything you might choose to share, but still I will wait.

All my tomorrows, all my today's, my kisses, my laughter, my temper, my frown. Only you will know if I'm worth it.


I have decided to keep "The Music In My Heart" and will return often to share. 

Forever, "my love" L.E.




"Leaves That Are Green" simon and garfunkel
http://youtu.be/zcRGBjyAOok


"Don't Give Up, You Are Loved" josh groban
http://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

"Don't give up
  It's just the weight of the world
  When your heart's heavy
  I...I will lift it for you


  Don't give up
  Because you want to be heard
  If silence keeps you
  I...I will break it for you


  Everybody wants to be understood
  Well I can hear you
  Everybody wants to be loved
  Don't give up
  Because you are loved


  Don't give up
  It's just the hurt that you hide
  When you're lost inside
  I...I will be there to find you


  Don't give up
  Because you want to burn bright
  If darkness blinds you
  I...I will shine to guide you

  Everybody wants to be understood
  Well I can hear you
  Everybody wants to be loved
  Don't give up
  Because you are loved


  You are loved
  Don't give up
  It's just the weight of the world
  Don't give up
  Every one needs to be heard
  You are loved."


 "Windmills of Your Mind" sting
http://youtu.be/ESLn4txdoP4


  "....
  Like the clock whose hands are sweeping
  Past the minutes of it's face
  And the world is like an apple
  Rolling silently in space


  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind


  Like a tunnel that you follow
  To a tunnel of it's own
  Down a hollow to a cavern
  Where the sun has never shone


  Like a door that keeps revolving
  In a half-forgotten dream
  Like the ripples from a pebble
  Someone tosses in a stream


  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind
  
  Keys that jingle in your pocket

  Words that jangle in your head
  Why did summer go so quickly?
  Was it something that you said?


  Lovers walk along the shore
  Leave their footprints in the sand
  Is the sound of distant drumming
  Just the fingers of your hand?


  Pictures hanging in a hallway
  In the fragment of this song
  Half-remembered names and faces
  But to whom do they belong?


  When you knew that it was over
  Were you suddenly aware
  That the autumn leaves were turning
  To the color of her hair?


  Like a circle in a spiral
  Like a wheel within a wheel
  Never ending or beginning
  On an ever-spinning reel


  As the images unwind
  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind."

My anger was without excuse. 


Please forgive me. 

I journey on, alone....

Well it seems that the time of this blog has ended.
I was originally encouraged to start it by a friend who said she thought I needed a blog about my journey. So did I, and here it is.

But now it seems that "I have everything I need." And there are people with really serious life problems. I'm so glad that was clarified as if I was too stupid to figure it out on my own.

In all my years as a facilitator of survivor groups do you think I was blind to the horror in others lives? Do you really think that I never knew that other people had it worse?

The woman I ministered to, who slept on my couch, who I took to the hospital with broken bones and burns all over there body, who were beaten to a pulp and raped nearly unto death; did I somehow miss the truth that I have it great and I have everything I need. No, I never thought anything of the kind! In comparison I am a princess and they are trash. Should that change the fact that I've been afraid all my life or that I hate everything about my personality and my life choices? I would think the answer would be a resounding "YES". But the walls that were built to keep out the pain also keep out the love.  
Do you wonder why I would think that I have it worse than my best friend who has buried 7 children? Or than my daughters and daughter-in-law with whom I have walked through 6 miscarriages?
Then you don't know me at all. My compassion and ability to grieve with them is one of my few strengths. I am not proud or haughty about my life, what I have and how blessed I am. 


I am equally perplexed that the goodness doesn't overwhelm the bad, like light scatters the darkness.


I am well aware that "Shit happens you know? Life is not perfect, It's fucking hard. Everyone deals with shit everyday! you are not the only one you know?" & "This is your life! YOUR LIFE!  Don't be a pussy! Put on your big girl panties and Deal With IT!  Its almost like watching someone die a slow and painful death, just laying there dying......But it doesn't have to be this way. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your happiness before it kills you."

So I am. I am striking out on my own again, secure in the knowledge that I have everything I need, shit happens, life is not perfect, everyone deals with shit, I need to quit being a pussy and take responsibility for myself and my happiness. 


But I've been on this road many times before and all that truth never helped me overcome and move on.

My husband is often overwhelmed by my emotions. Especially the dark, depressive ones that cause me to lay in bed, stare blankly at the wall, big tears rolling down my face. He feels helpless. He paces. He prays. And then he gives up, walks out and leaves me alone.
These are some of my darkest hours. The alone ones.

But recently he has started climbing into bed next to me and asking "Do you want me to hold you?" I tearfully nod my head curl up next to him and weep. An awful, mournful weeping that tears at both of our hearts. 
But it doesn't last. 

I think we were both surprised. A really bad, dark depression can keep me down for days, even weeks. But instead, I will cry for 5 or so minutes. Rest and cry some more. He just holds me, whispering that "everything is going to be all right. We are going to make it through this."
Repeating "don't give up, please don't give up. Please don't quit fighting."
Within 30 minutes to an hour I am often sitting up in bed sharing what triggered it (if I know), or at least smiling and human vs zombie.


His initial reaction of fear and hopelessness which led to him leaving me has changed. But it took some encouragement. I had to teach him how to love me through the pain instead of leaving me to fight alone.




One last song and I'm gone:
"That Lonesome Road" james taylor
http://youtu.be/3yxOcRiKhb8


"Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
  Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
  And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
  Is shining high above the trees


  If I had stopped to listen once or twice
  If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
  If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
  I'd not be on this road tonight


  Carry on
  Never mind feeling sorry for yourself
  It doesn't save you from your troubled mind


  Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
  Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
  And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
  Is shining high above the trees"


We were never meant to walk alone. elle

The dark before the dawn

A very old proverb says:
 "It is always darkest before dawn."




  It's always darkest before dawn,
  your world weary, old and dark,
  dreams die and fade away,
  and all of life is stark.
  take heart in gentle love,
  for she waits within the wings,
  and where she walks
  flowers dance
  and song birds softly sing.
  though you cannot see her,
  she weaves a silken touch,
  leaving footprints in the sand,
  sprinkling kisses, smiles and such.
  lighting the dampened corridors,
  the dark corners of your mind,
  leaving you breathless, wondering,
  bewildered by her kind.
  goodness glints in her brown eyes,
  in the sweet smell of her warmth,
  the world is softly fading,
  hope anew has filled your arms.
  her head upon your chest
  her warmth no longer shunned,
  you share a spoken silence,
  and the two of you are one." elle & friend







  

"You is kind.


  You is smart.


  You is important."The Help

"I know I'm not a hopeless case"

I got in trouble for my severely negative post this morning!

I got a swift kick in the ass and some tough love.

It seems it's time for me to "put my big girl panties on and deal with it" ")


I told you I was blessed to have people in my life who know all about me and still love me anyway.
In all truthfulness there are only 2 people who know all my secrets (mostly).
They are the best. I love them both more than life itself and I hate to hurt them. But it seems that watching my "slow and painful death" causes them great pain and anxiety.

I am going to try to do better. BUT this has been one of the most difficult and stressful weeks I've had in a long time. I don't have a lot of reserve strength and when the winds of adversity blow, I bend and break so easily.


*So I take back the words and feelings of being un-redeemable and of no value. That isn't truth.


*I take back the title of "Typhoid Mary" of the heart.
That isn't true.


*I take back single handedly destroying every relationship that has come near me.
That isn't true.


*And finally I take back that I have screwed up and over every person who has tried to love me and reach me.
That isn't true. And I'm not screwed. I'm just a "little unwell", alot  :)


So inkeeping with my much improved outlook on me and life in general, I Googled  "Positive Songs"! Good idea Elle!!

Here's one of many that really spoke to me:
"Beautiful Day" U2
http://youtu.be/3V8nu6e8eFY

"The heart is a bloom, shoots up through stony ground
 But there's no room, no space to rent in this town
  You're out of luck and the reason that you had to care
  The traffic is stuck and you're not movin' anywhere
  You thought you'd found a friend to take you out of this place
  Someone you could lend a hand in return for grace


  It's a beautiful day,
  The sky falls and you feel like
  It's a beautiful day,
  Don't let it get away


  You're on the road but you've got no destination
  You're in the mud, in the maze of her imagination
  You love this town even if that doesn't ring true
  You've been all over and it's been all over you


  It's a beautiful day,
  Don't let it get away
  It's a beautiful day,


  Touch me, take me to that other place
  Teach me love, I know I'm not a hopeless case


  See the world in green and blue
  See China right in front of you
  See the canyons broken by cloud
  See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
  See the bedouin fires at night
  See the oil fields at first light
  See the bird with a leaf in her mouth
  After the flood all the colors came out


  It was a beautiful day
  Don't let it get away
  A beautiful day


  Touch me, take me to that other place
  Reach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case


  What you don't have you don't need it now
  What you don't know you can feel it somehow
  What you don't have you don't need it now
  Don't need it now
  It was a beautiful day"


Have a beautiful weekend, I know I plan to!!! elle