It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Yes, I'm confused too.

I was asked yesterday if I was confused, "about life?, about us?"
Asking me about confusion is like asking my drought stricken yard if it could use some rain. HELL YES!!
Only the yard will eventually get rain.
Not so my confusion.
Why didn't I just say "Yes, I am confused. But that doesn't change how much I love you, it just makes it difficult to say & to show."

I was hurt yesterday, which manifested like a demon of anger from hell!

I am obviously unstable. I don't think I've tried to hide that.
I have very dark days occasionally, sad, confused, waiting days most of the time and awesome, good days rarely.

But I've really been doing well in comparison to the 5 months I spent in bed, never cleaning, cooking or dressing.

Last Tuesday I went grocery shopping by myself. I cooked AND invited people to my house. I sat with them and talked and visited (well actually I listened. I still feel like a dweeb when I try to be sociable. Every time I opened my mouth I felt very stupid. So I just listened and loved on the sweet white haired baby boy in my lap). And I was so happy they came. And so hopeful that another Tuesday would come soon and I would feel normal, act normal and be normal. 

But this Tuesday came and something went terribly wrong. I spoke words  that cannot be undone and I hurt someone I love. 
Now the spark of life he lit in me is still waiting in his hands. I'm the one who blew it out and I don't know if he will ever choose to re-light what might turn on him again. 

I can scream, cry, beg and apologize, but I hurt him and it wasn't the first time. 
And he is right, I don't act like what I say. I want so much to love him and to please him but I just can't find a way to hold my feelings in, not push or demand. In my desperation to be heard and to hear I screamed too loud.
Tuesday came and went and my love has walked away.

I didn't start this blog so people would feel sorry for me. I didn't start it to prove anything, like how bad I have it.
I started it because I needed somewhere else to share and vent and laugh and process. I've been doing that on my private FB page. But it is our special page and my emotional baggage was overwhelming it.
So I started "The Music In My Heart" as a place to further my healing process.  Even if no one ever reads it, it is hugely therapeutic for me.

Being on a difficult journey and documenting it for the entire world (or a small handful) to read, evaluate and judge is very scary and risky.
Within a few days of each other I was told by 2 different but equally important people in my life that I needed to pull up my rhinestone studded boot straps, quit whining and get over it. 

I know it was said in love, in an effort to get past my walls of negativity and self hatred. 

But those walls are my defense. They were built after years and years of survival, they keep the wolves of death at bay. I can't wake up one morning and choose to be well and happy. 
But what I can do, I am doing.
I am working on both the physical & the emotional side of my depression with several professionals.
I'm giving it my best shot. 4 months ago my best shot at normalcy was to put on my clothes. Then when my husband got home I could move from the bed to the couch to watch TV with him. On better days I would go outside and sit on the porch.
But I've really progressed. Most days I get dressed, wash my face & fix my hair. 

No, I don't look forward to much and dread anything that requires serious effort but by the end of the week  I've usually managed to do a few household chores.

What does motivate me is time at the park. I choose my clothes carefully, happily dress and plan the "what if's". This is not always a safe activity because of the risk. If I get my hopes up and then they are dashed I become disappointed. I never know how disappointment is going to effect me. Most days it would manifest in tears but not this Tuesday. The more I listened the more belittled and stupid I felt.

Feeling out of control is the basis for all anger. I was being told, in my mind, to control something I cannot. I felt like all I've said and shared these past months meant nothing. Instead of acknowledging the depths I live in and the near impossiblily of escape, I was being questioned.

Would you tell a diabetic to "just quit eating sugar" and be naive enough to believe that if they did they would be healed?
I've never asked anyone to help me out of my current situation except professionals. I'm not trying make anyone responsible for me. 

I don't want to do this alone. I don't want to hide from and avoid the whole world. But I can't handle the whole world, or even small crowds. What I want and need is just a handful of people with whom I can be honest. People who will not try to fix me but instead offer encouragement, laughter and normalcy.

After feeling misunderstood, a healthy person, instead of losing it and going off the deep end, would have either gone on, secure in their own truth, or politely informed them of their mistake.
But I ain't healthy! 

Yesterday, I totally blasted the one person I spend 90% of my time trying to love, be near, understand and be understood by.  
This morning I tried to make amends or at least find a way to ask forgiveness for the unforgivable.   

I'd like to share some of that email. I think it says a lot;

    "About yesterday, I could give you a hundred reasons why I totally lost it but I won't. Some things don't deserve the honor of an explanation. 

This is not the first time I have hurt you. Not the first time I have attacked. 
I don't know how to live with the guilt or the fear of it happening again. Neither do I know how to live without you in my life.
You deserve better. You have enough drama in your life without adding mine to it. 
I wish I could say it will never happen again, but I don't have that luxury, and I don't want to start lying now when I've been as honest about everything (to a fault), as I could.

Please forgive me, again. If not for me then for you. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and has the potential to destroy. 
My years of unforgiveness have left holes the size of Texas in my heart and in my soul.  Holes that hold hurt and bitterness that I often cannot contain. Like yesterday. 

Triggers from the past. 
You should be able to identify with past hurts that trigger wrong responses in the present. Like when I said "is that it?" and you were immediately thrown into the past, being rejected, and transferring that hurt to me.
I did the same thing. Being told that I have everything I need and that others have it so much worse than I, is a major trigger for me. 
I know what I have, I know I'm a "big wus" (or pussy as my friend so eloquently put it, in her "tough love" letter), and need to "get a life".
I deal with my inability to do so everyday of my life. I really don't need to be reminded.

I will admit that the day she "called me down" I was having an exceptionally dark day and my post worried her (and me). In an attempt to reach me and shake some sense into me she shared her opinions of what I needed to do to get my life back on track. 

I did reevaluate the post and amend it. I HAD gone over the edge. 
But her suggestions, though well meant, were way off track. If someone could slap me around with some truth and change me then I'd have been totally healed and delivered years ago.
It does the opposite.

It reinforces what I've been saying for years. It cements my self loathing.

The guilt of carrying so much emotional baggage, continually attacking and hurting those who love me, when I should be able to pull myself up and enjoy my security and my family, is a heavy weight. 
I don't handle being told the obvious as if that is going to fix 50 years of illness.

Not too long ago a girl on FB told me she couldn't understand how I could be so depressed when I had such a beautiful new house. I just sat there a minute and then the anger began to boil over. Poor girl. Among way too much, I told her that I couldn't imagine why she had never been able to conceive when she lived in such a nice house and had such a loving husband. 

I think that response makes me a major BITCH. 
I know the pain infertile women deal with. I worked for years with the devastating consequences of miscarriage and infertility. Sooo many hurting, bleeding and non-functioning woman have come through my door. And though I've never lost a child or had trouble conceiving they came to me for comfort, for answers, for prayer. I was able to help them because I do understand pain. 
I didn't need to measure and compare their pain to mine in order to help them. I didn't have to prove that my spilt blood was worse than theirs. 
I didn't tell them they should be happy they only lost a baby, because the last lady through my door had lost her life, after being tortured and murdered by her husband. 

My depression and her infertility are the same. Neither of us can just choose to make it go away. I know people don't consider mental illness in the same light as physical, but I can't change that either. 

There I go, trying to explain myself when I said I wouldn't.
You asked me yesterday if I was confused. About us? About life? 
Yes. Every day without fail. 
Not so much about life anymore, I'm holding on by a thread, but I'm holding on because my husband begs me often, "just don't let go, please keep fighting". And because of those fabulous children of mine and my beautiful grands.  

About us? Hell yes I'm confused. And I'm scared. 
I know how you feel, "I can't do anything right" either."

I don't want to give up this blog. But I don't want it to hurt those I love either. 
Hell yes I'm confused. And I'm scared. Every day of my life.
I had a text this morning from a dear friend I've had for over 22 years. I have tried very hard to push her out of my life for the last year and a half.
This is a pattern of mine. Hurt them, reject them, push them away first. Supposedly it hurts less than waiting for them to hurt me, reject me and push me away when they finally realize that I am a bottomless hole. Or as my father so eloquently put it, "a selfish, worthless piece of shit". 

You can pour and pour and pour into me but you will never fill the emptiness. In the process you risk losing a large part of your heart and soul. So I'm just trying to save them all that trouble. 

I'd like to share my response to her question "how are you my precious friend?";

"I am still me. Still struggling but taking tiny steps in the right direction. Don't know how God balances that with the "big majors" that I am still unwilling to let go of. But He seems to be able to sort it all out. I am now back in hope & somehow that seems to take faith. I'm just not ready to say I'm back in faith. 
I still cry much more than I laugh and grieve more than I rejoice. But I no longer dread the dawning of a new day and most nights I sleep in peace.
Finally went to see the new psychiatrist yesterday. Liked him alot. Reduced one med & added another. Please pray for my body. I am doing well on the natural hormone replacement therapy. Now if I can just get the brain chemicals adjusted and the 
neurons firing again, then I know I will finally be able to process, heal and walk out of this living hell." 

Maybe I should have waited until all the above was done before I shared my story, my journey. But then it wouldn't be my journey. It would be my journey after I had spent months and years getting well enough to rewrite my story.

Yes, I'm confused.
But I want to continue on with this blog. You are not required to accompany me in the day to day struggles, but I hope you choose to stay in my life. 

You were right, I do have everything I need. I have a loving, dedicated husband who will not let me go. I also have a Father God, who though I have tried to convince Him to take me out of this hell, he too is loving and dedicated and refuses to let me go. And He knows all my secrets. 
I have a fabulous therapist who is able to accept me where I am, while helping me learn how to escape the prison walls in my mind. Then I will  learn how to live again. Finally I will be able to move forward with confidence, purpose and joy. 

I do have everything I need, but it doesn't feel like that, because of what is missing when I don't have you in my life. I need the joy, the laughter, the hope you bring me. I long for the peace of your presence and the warmth of your smile. I look forward to the sound of your voice and your view of the world that is so fresh and alive to me. Life will be so empty without long walks, laying in the grass finding animals in the clouds. I want to stand f2f in the sand again, like sooooo very long ago. I want it all and more. Without you, the emptiness overwhelms and the motivation ceases.
But I also want your peace, your happiness, your ability to move on if that's what you choose.

I have some music to share and then I'll close this day.
But always know I wait.
I don't deserve anything you might choose to share, but still I will wait.
All my tomorrows, all my today's, my kisses, my laughter, my temper, my frown. Only you will know if I'm worth it.

I have decided to keep "The Music In My Heart" and will return often to share. 

Forever, "my love" L.E.

"Leaves That Are Green" simon and garfunkel

"Don't Give Up, You Are Loved" josh groban

"Don't give up
  It's just the weight of the world
  When your heart's heavy
  I...I will lift it for you

  Don't give up
  Because you want to be heard
  If silence keeps you
  I...I will break it for you

  Everybody wants to be understood
  Well I can hear you
  Everybody wants to be loved
  Don't give up
  Because you are loved

  Don't give up
  It's just the hurt that you hide
  When you're lost inside
  I...I will be there to find you

  Don't give up
  Because you want to burn bright
  If darkness blinds you
  I...I will shine to guide you

  Everybody wants to be understood
  Well I can hear you
  Everybody wants to be loved
  Don't give up
  Because you are loved

  You are loved
  Don't give up
  It's just the weight of the world
  Don't give up
  Every one needs to be heard
  You are loved."

 "Windmills of Your Mind" sting

  Like the clock whose hands are sweeping
  Past the minutes of it's face

  And the world is like an apple
  Rolling silently in space

  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind

  Like a tunnel that you follow
  To a tunnel of it's own
  Down a hollow to a cavern
  Where the sun has never shone

  Like a door that keeps revolving
  In a half-forgotten dream
  Like the ripples from a pebble
  Someone tosses in a stream

  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind
  Keys that jingle in your pocket

  Words that jangle in your head
  Why did summer go so quickly?
  Was it something that you said?

  Lovers walk along the shore
  Leave their footprints in the sand
  Is the sound of distant drumming
  Just the fingers of your hand?

  Pictures hanging in a hallway
  In the fragment of this song
  Half-remembered names and faces
  But to whom do they belong?

  When you knew that it was over
  Were you suddenly aware
  That the autumn leaves were turning
  To the color of her hair?

  Like a circle in a spiral
  Like a wheel within a wheel
  Never ending or beginning
  On an ever-spinning reel

  As the images unwind
  Like the circles that you find
  In the windmills of your mind."

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