It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I journey on, alone....

Well it seems that the time of this blog has ended.
I was originally encouraged to start it by a friend who said she thought I needed a blog about my journey. So did I, and here it is.

But now it seems that "I have everything I need." And there are people with really serious life problems. I'm so glad that was clarified as if I was too stupid to figure it out on my own.

In all my years as a facilitator of survivor groups do you think I was blind to the horror in others lives? Do you really think that I never knew that other people had it worse?

The woman I ministered to, who slept on my couch, who I took to the hospital with broken bones and burns all over there body, who were beaten to a pulp and raped nearly unto death; did I somehow miss the truth that I have it great and I have everything I need. No, I never thought anything of the kind! In comparison I am a princess and they are trash. Should that change the fact that I've been afraid all my life or that I hate everything about my personality and my life choices? I would think the answer would be a resounding "YES". But the walls that were built to keep out the pain also keep out the love.  
Do you wonder why I would think that I have it worse than my best friend who has buried 7 children? Or than my daughters and daughter-in-law with whom I have walked through 6 miscarriages?
Then you don't know me at all. My compassion and ability to grieve with them is one of my few strengths. I am not proud or haughty about my life, what I have and how blessed I am. 

I am equally perplexed that the goodness doesn't overwhelm the bad, like light scatters the darkness.

I am well aware that "Shit happens you know? Life is not perfect, It's fucking hard. Everyone deals with shit everyday! you are not the only one you know?" & "This is your life! YOUR LIFE!  Don't be a pussy! Put on your big girl panties and Deal With IT!  Its almost like watching someone die a slow and painful death, just laying there dying......But it doesn't have to be this way. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your happiness before it kills you."

So I am. I am striking out on my own again, secure in the knowledge that I have everything I need, shit happens, life is not perfect, everyone deals with shit, I need to quit being a pussy and take responsibility for myself and my happiness. 

But I've been on this road many times before and all that truth never helped me overcome and move on.

My husband is often overwhelmed by my emotions. Especially the dark, depressive ones that cause me to lay in bed, stare blankly at the wall, big tears rolling down my face. He feels helpless. He paces. He prays. And then he gives up, walks out and leaves me alone.
These are some of my darkest hours. The alone ones.

But recently he has started climbing into bed next to me and asking "Do you want me to hold you?" I tearfully nod my head curl up next to him and weep. An awful, mournful weeping that tears at both of our hearts. 
But it doesn't last. 

I think we were both surprised. A really bad, dark depression can keep me down for days, even weeks. But instead, I will cry for 5 or so minutes. Rest and cry some more. He just holds me, whispering that "everything is going to be all right. We are going to make it through this."
Repeating "don't give up, please don't give up. Please don't quit fighting."
Within 30 minutes to an hour I am often sitting up in bed sharing what triggered it (if I know), or at least smiling and human vs zombie.

His initial reaction of fear and hopelessness which led to him leaving me has changed. But it took some encouragement. I had to teach him how to love me through the pain instead of leaving me to fight alone.

One last song and I'm gone:
"That Lonesome Road" james taylor

"Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
  Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
  And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
  Is shining high above the trees

  If I had stopped to listen once or twice
  If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
  If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
  I'd not be on this road tonight

  Carry on
  Never mind feeling sorry for yourself
  It doesn't save you from your troubled mind

  Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
  Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
  And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
  Is shining high above the trees"

We were never meant to walk alone. elle

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