"You talk when you cease to be at peace

with your thoughts."
Khalil Gabran 

Yes, I do. elle    

is my "new" just recycled "old"

Hi guys! Long time no talk :(
I've been holidaying. Way too busy and glad it's finally fading.

Normal will begin again on Monday and I'm doing all I can to cram as much "non normal" into my few remaining hours. This a cherished time of year for me. A precious few weekends of "me" time.
BUT this weekend marks the end of deer season. Time is quickly ticking away and I am trying desperately not to think about this "new" year as a continuation of many, many "old" and unchangeable ones.

I thoroughly enjoyed a forbidden glass of wine with my dinner and this afternoon I treated myself to some movie heaven as I watched Les Miserables. This was my first time to see it and I am forever "smitten". A love affair has begun between "me" and the characters, their plight, anguish, fears and joys. A shared struggle between "law and grace" joins my soul with theirs.
It's a story as old as time. One that repeats itself generation after generation. Each of us playing a part in the grand opera of life. Equality, fairness, justice and ease are guaranteed to none.
The great question "why?" continues it's haunt.

I drink in movies like I do music. Some just roll off my back but the ones that touch me, touch me forever. Les Mis reached a place of ache in my soul that rivals that of Jean Valjean, a despair understood by few but shared beautifully by Anne Hathaway as Fantine.

It's after 3 in the morning and I'm sitting in the middle of my bed needing a shower and sleep.
I've fought a battle these past 2 days and though I've done all to include another in my "me" time, I have once again failed.
Slowly and with mounting despair I lost my battle against the deep dread of lonliness.
I can "dream a dream" but there is no escape from reality. Not only is my bed empty but so is my email. My text's go unanswered and I have once again begun to doubt what seemed so certain.

I sit with ear phones on, listening to YouTube performances of some of my favorite music hoping to find something that will make me smile. Everything from Memories with Susan Boyle, I Dreamed A Dream with Anne Hathaway, Shine with Collective Soul and Somewhere with Barbra Streisand (of course). Reaching out to Gnarls Barkley, James Taylor, Simon & Garfunkle & Norah Jones. My ever favorite Alison Krauss, The Rolling Stones, Santana, Robert Plant and Keane...
These are "life songs". Songs that have worked their way into the fabric of who I am and more importantly songs that touch the sore spots and threaten to wound rather than heal.

A wiser one than I would turn off the music, but I am the definition of "insanity". I will continue to do the same things, always believing for a different outcome.

Monday will be here soon enough. Hubby will be home, the holidays gone and I will settle into 'normal' one dirty toilet, load of laundry and grocery list at a time.

But for tonight "I Dream A Dream" and cherish my "Memories".
Ever ElleE

The holiday blues caught me
when things were going so well.
Now I have zero desire to finish.
If I were a crab I'd hide in my shell.

Lousy poem.
Matches my mood.
If I thought it would stay
I'd put cyanide in my food.

now i'm :)'ing,
elle e


12/12/12
It's 2 days later and YAY!
The holiday blues went away :)
I'm back to busy, much to do
But always time to say "I love you".

the deafening sound of quiet

Ernest Hemingway said to write clear and hard about what hurts. Here's what hurts: nostalgia. It hits hardest in the winter, when trees are bare and the sunshine is weak and the long nights just mean more time to reminisce.

I'm watchin' country music videos and singin' my own version of the blues.

It's been an emotional few days. High "highs" have been followed quickly by the low "lows" of disappointment.

someone i love bared his heart as he shared the pain i've been carrying for the last year. the pain of reality vs fantasy. what we want vs what we have. "if only" vs "there's just no way".

But fantasy can never be reality.
A "fantasy" is always perfect and even a perfect "reality" isn't really perfect.
No individual, no couple can exist in such an imperfect fantasy of perpetual perfection.

In other words:
if you had me I would disappoint you. sooner or later.
i feel like i disappoint you now,
and i'm often disappointed by you. and i grieve. one day you are so "here" and then like a whisper you are gone. i need you and i reach out for you. but the place where you were is empty and cold and i don't know when or if you will return. and i grieve.

anger, hurt and a wounded pride make me bitter and i wish i'd never known you.
but loneliness, love and longing win and i wait anxiously.
i stand at the waters edge and watch for your sail on the horizon.
i refuse to hear the truth in the wind saying "this is only the beginning of another end".
and even though I know the tide will turn and the circle of loss will begin again i hope against all hope that this time will be different. but it never is.
how tragic that "every hello is the beginning of a long good bye"

Maybe that's why so many couples don't make it.
Over time the fantasy of perfection begins to crack and then one day they wake up and find two very flawed people in a bed that once held two who were perfectly joined.
I wouldn't know. I was never joined in perfection. I was joined by necessity. I was thankful for a place of escape and safety.

In other words:
if you had been the "lucky" one, i would have found that place of safety in you.
you on the other hand would find that the temptress in your arms was wounded and cold. in time you would dread being tied down, and used.

this is what i fear most; i need. like a huge vacuum i take, pull and demand. in time you will feel tied down and used. in time your love will turn to dread.

The holidays always shine a bright light on the cracks in my marriage.
There have been some tense moments this weekend. A strain. An undertone of anger, frustration and disappointment.
My husband NEVER verbally shares these emotions. He is a man of complete control. But I know they are there. I can feel them in that place where words dare not go.
35 years of trying to pull from him what he refuses to give has left me quiet. I do not share often. I do not share my frustrations because he takes them personally and his tendency to withdraw becomes extreme. I do not share my joys because he does not understand them and mostly ignores them. I do not share my hopes, dreams, laughter or tears.
During times like this we are quiet. We live in a world of quiet that screams so loud it is deafening.

in my loneliness i reach out for a friend but am left saddened. you have withdrawn like the tide.
i am helpless and powerless to control the uncontrollable.
you are gone and no matter my desperation i am unable to reach across this great divide.
and i wonder how many more times the circle will turn before i am crushed between the two of you.

"To love. To be loved.

To never forget your own insignificance.

To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you.

To seek joy in the saddest places.

To pursue beauty to its lair.

To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power.

Above all, to watch.

To try and understand.

To never look away.

And never, never to forget."

Arundhati Roy
The author of The God of Small Things

This is one of my favorite quotes. It's always challenges me, encourages me and reminds me.
At present I am working on "to never simplify what is complicated".
Which one grabs you????
elle e

"My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres;
it’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical,

science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know,

with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."

Alan Moore


I love good quotes. One of my favorite sites:
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes_of_the_day/show/701?utm_medium=email&utm_source=quote_of_the_day

Sea sick with reality

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
William Arthur Ward

I don't know where I fit in the above quote. Obviously my optimist lives between my pessimistic side and my "realist in hiding". I live in a constant state of drastic swings between one extreme and the other which leaves my poor optimist bruised and beaten.

I don't know where I fit. What I do know is that when a ray of sun shines and I believe that the tide has turned....I am wrong and I am disappointed, I feel anger (always a secondary emotion), but a necessary one. A sad form of self protection.

I don't know where I fit in in your life. I've never known.
I don't know why I complain (let myself be drawn in). I know your moods are quick to shift. I am a concern today, a loss tomorrow and a longing the next. But never for long.
I hold so tight to the hope of longing....always aware that it will leave as quickly as it came.
I know to expect the change. But that not's optimism.... it's reality.

"What are you to me?
You're the key
You set my heart free to soar."
(I wrote that once and meant it.)


Photo "Reality" Michae Harris Photography http://mehphotography.blogspot.com/

I've rewritten this one several times. It changes as optimism is drowned in a sea of reality.
"You are the ocean and I am a sea sick boat."

"Let us live for the beauty of our own reality."Charles Lamb

I need Dramamine and fantasy. I need you.

theme songs

New to me music;
"SKYFALL"adele
 http://youtu.be/7HKoqNJtMTQ (my favorite version)

http://youtu.be/StJLvbPIvTw (official Bond)

I love Adele. Her sultry voice just eeks sexy. She is gifted in more ways than one. She and Paul Epworth composed Skyfall, the theme song for the newest Bond movie by the same name.

There is little comparison between this Bond song and the theme song from Casino Royale by Chris Cornell. The words, the message, the finality in "You Know My Name" are much darker. It is lonely.
Still I found myself swept along without reservation to the rise and fall of drums, guitars and the texture of his voice. But the lyrics left me uncertain and troubled. Lonely.
"You Know My Name" chris cornell
http://youtu.be/YnzgdBAKyJo

Skyfall on the other hand was safe. Surrounded by danger but never alone.
"Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I'll never be without the security
Are your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we'll stand

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Or face it all together"

Bond movies capture me, move me, trouble me. In the same way this song touches untapped longings of which I do not speak. A need for adventure and danger. But I'm not a lone wolf. I could not or would not ever strike out into the unknown alone. For a deeper need rules me. A need to be held tight, kissed deep and loved long.

I'm forever in a struggle. Good vs evil, lost vs found, right vs wrong, me vs ????

Good night loves, elle e

sharing

Browsing around and enjoying some of my favorite blogs. There is so much creativeness, so much going on, so much wisdom. Here are a few I'd like to share with you;

"pencils need erasers and keyboards need delete buttons. we know what failure feels like so that there is such thing as success. i love how we learn to mend ourselves on a daily basis" http://teaseyourtoes.blogspot.com/

While we're on the subject of doing things, I wanted to share this quote I came across the other day, in response to youth who complain about not knowing what to do.
"Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and after you've finished, read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun. The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something. You owe it your time, energy, and talent so that no one will be at war, in sickness, and lonely again. In other words grow up, stop being a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop a backbone not a wishbone. Start behaving like a responsible person. You are important and you are needed. It's too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now and that somebody is you!" --John Tapene

The Moon Is Her Anchor
"Dusk in late autumn is perhaps the most beautiful time of all.
The trees are cloaked in garments of leaves in the warmer months, but it is not until the garments are shed in the colder months that we are left with the bare, lonely beauty of the landscape. When the wind blows in the winter, it is not accompanied by the rustle of leaves, but rather an aching silence. The numbing, desperately lonely quiet conveys all that winter needs to say--but only the man who cares enough to listen will hear (and understand) the silent message.
At dusk in late autumn, the trees are almost bare but not quite; against inky blueness that seems an almost tangible entity, their skeleton forms are fragile but still quietly stoic; the crescent moon, framed by the colorless branches, seems all the more"
By Carlotta Cisternas

"For me, I want to find that oceans wave that lifts me up and pulls me to the sunset of a closing day as the sun sinks itself into the far off reaches of the water." http://christopherfusaro.blogspot.com/2012/11/short-term-happiness.html

Much love, elle e

But you....

I have everything I need.
For the most part I have everything I want.
The last 2 days have been lovely. I have energy, motivation and a sense that all is well with the world (at least the corner where I live :).

Amidst the cleaning, planning and cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow I've taken a couple of breaks. I sat on the porch. I listened to the birds, the dogs and the music from my open door. Perfection.
But you....

When we use the word "but" in a sentence it means that anything we said before the "but" is negated.
I'm careful when I use it. It shows the truth. It reveals what is hidden. The secrets of the heart.

But you....
I wish I could explain or even understand what it means or how I feel about it.
Would my life be perfection if I'd never met you? It certainly wasn't perfection before you. I was so aware that something MAJOR was missing. I was existing as a mirrored image of others. I had no clue what was missing. I had no clue I was missing. And then you :)
You brought the laughter and the freedom. With you I felt complete, content, peaceful and at rest.

But with you reality slips away, the lines get blurred and the things and people in my "real" life bring frustration. They are reminders of what I can't have. With you I have all the right feelings and none of the right reality.

Days of perfection are so great. But they aren't really perfect. It's just another illusion. Another way to cope.
I sit on the porch of my perfect life and think of you. I lay in my safe bed and dream of you. I'd give up all hope and go back to the old me....but you

Say less and Hold the rest...

Does your heart ever feel like it's going to explode? So many emotions! So inappropriate. No one to share them with.
I'm learning to say less and hold in the rest.
If I say what I feel it's always too much and the distance grows cold and deep.
But when I say less the distance is less. One heart speaking silently to another. Both knowing.
Smiling through the ache, joined in seperation, eternity in a breathe.
I love you
I love you from afar, through the ache, through the truth
I'd rather love you through the pain than never to have loved you at all.

"just to be with someone you love."

“'People always think that happiness is a faraway thing,'
thought Frances, ‘something complicated and hard to get.
Yet, what little things can make it up; a place of shelter when it rains—a cup of strong hot coffee when you’re blue;

for a man, a cigarette for contentment;

a book to read when you’re alone—

 

just to be with someone you love.

 

Those things make happiness.’”

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

A story....

 

Once upponse a time there was girl who did good and right and well.

She'd always believed, that in a life past or a time before, that she must have been a bird in flight, a wave upon the sea or a shell in the sand.... Perhaps in a time still to come.

Her song was sweet, her heart was big but everything else was small. Her legs were short, her fingers stumps, her body petite (except for a rather nice, plump rump :).

Her capacity to hold was huge!
A lifetime had been spent trying to cram her love of, her excitement about, her amazement over LIFE into her small existence!
She felt everything BIG! But had limited access to expression.

I've see her as a grown woman. She has wisdom and experience. She understands lack and sacrifice (and the kind of love that makes a woman choose both).
I also see the child. Forced to face too much too soon. Stunted in many ways. Still very childlike. She grits her teeth, makes ugly faces and sticks out her tongue. She whines and pouts too often.
Still I think she's grand!!!

I hope she never gives up on the hundreds of simple things that seem so enormous in her eyes.
I hope a day will come when she'll dance without restraint in the sand (have you ever seen a little kid dance???? It's magical. We can't help but smile as they twirl, and float, jig and jag. We smile at the innocence. They are totally unaware of right, wrong, proper and not.)

If I could give her advice it would be; "don't give up that inner child. She's amazing."

Tonight I was a free woman. No deadline, no watchman. I drove my car fast, wind in my hair and played the music loud. I ate at my favorite taco joint and drank fabulous, forbidden cold beer. I dreamed and schemed of innocent things and things carried mute to the grave. Asked a friend to come play but
"no, not today", so I drove home (no speeding!), alone.
But I wasn't sad, 'cause I'm not a child, and I now know the rules from the start.
I don't build my hope around things I can't change, 'cause they hurt and they break my poor heart.

Instead of a frown I drove happy and found 2 new songs and an old favorite too.
Now I've written, had a snack and waited "just in case". My eyes are starting to close. But before I lay down, bathe and drape my gown I'll share some good music with you.

2 new (to me) songs:

THE ONE elton john
http://youtu.be/85B_REWeNcM

"I saw you dancing out the ocean
Running fast along the sand
A spirit born of earth and water
Fire flying from your hands"

"For each man in his time is Cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach"

(Oh yeah! I like this song.
  How is it I've never heard this song of love before?)
 

I'm Never Too Far Away jon secada

http://youtu.be/taE36rsEa1I



Need You Now lady antebellum

http://youtu.be/eM213aMKTHg

 

(this one I know. This one always takes all the willpower I don't think I have, especially when it's 1:12 am....)

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without you 'cause I just need you now."

 

 

My day tomorrow is no storybook tale and holds little to look forward too.
Grands for the day while mom is away, a party for one who is "one". Then a funeral to sing, the sadness it brings as we bury a friend, too young, now gone.
It's a story called "Life", many days lived in strife and struggle and weariness too.

So before I close my eyes I give thanks. Grateful for the moments of hope, rest and joy I found tucked away in today and for friends with whom I can share. For moonlit nights where we meet and hold tight to hands that touch from afar.
Never let your story end.
Good night, elle

Meaningful Moments

"It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments.

Most often they are over before they start

although they cast a light on the future and make

the person who originated them unforgettable."
 (last line from Anna and the King)

Fantasies vs Reality (don't fault me)

Since last I was with you I spent 7 days at Disney World with my hub. Our 35th anniversary is just months away and we wanted to do something special.
Considering our options I thought Disney was as close to having fun as we were going to get.

Our first choice was a "Sandals" resort. But I knew such a place wasn't for "us".
These are the things I would do in the Caribbean or in Jamaica; sail, scuba diving lessons, golf, nude sun bathing, walk, sit and sleep for hours on the sand and in the surf. Night time would be great food, dancing, drinks, reggae bars, karaoke, good sex....
Add a lot of fishing and some para sailing for the perfect get-away for a couple in love, celebrating 35 great years. NOT!!!
I would be sailing, diving, sun bathing, hours in the surf, dancing, drinking, listening to good music & para sailing ALONE.
Together we would fish, eat great food and have good sex. But those are the same things we did on our last 2 vacations and I was trying to expand our itinerary.
I'm not complaining! Fishing, food and sex rate 1,2 &3 (not necessarily in that order ;) in my list of favorite things.

"We" aren't Sandals kind of people for the same reasons "we" aren't cruise people. So I went for something where anyone should be able to find fun. NOT!!!
I was, as always, in love with everything! The architecture, the landscaping, the shows, the golf courses, the rides, the pool....everything!!!
My husband isn't easily impressed but he did say the food was great.

Don't fault me my fantasies until you walk the narrow path I tread....

(fantasy island)

"You've Got A Friend" carole kinghttp://youtu.be/trEwDejTKRY
(fantasy friend)

Somehow marriage and friendship didn't come as a package deal for me. But happiness is a choice and I have much to be thankful for.
Take care, elle

"Do you think about me still?"

http://www.yunamusic.com/

"Thinkin' 'Bout You" yuna
http://youtu.be/nm5yyimKo4E

"Do you think about me still?
Or do you not think so far ahead?
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever"



A really nice version of the Frank Ocean mix.
Enjoy!!

"What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains."

Tennessee Williams

"I'll Never Say Goodbye"

"Say goodbye
Why? I can barely say good night
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?"
http://youtu.be/3GDHU-eZmyM

"When I say always, I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I'm not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you I'll never say goodbye"

"I'll Never Say Goodbye", a beautiful song from Barbra Streisand.

The movie is "The English Patient"
"The English Patient is a story of love, fate, misunderstanding and healing. Told in a series of flashbacks."
"In love, there are no boundaries" (copied from the movie box)

 
Today is a day of love, fate, flashbacks, misunderstandings and questions. Is there a place of no boundaries? Does it exist outside the realm of my imagination? And am I still moving forward on the road to healing, understanding and acceptance? Today none of yesterdays truths matter (post "Ordinary LOVEliness" 10/1/12). Today all that matters is my promise, "I'll never say goodbye". I'll never make that mistake again.
And so like Henry and June (see post from 9/27/12 "What to read?? Sex or morality?", like Laszlo and Katharine (The English Patient), I continue to love two men violently and without regard to consequence.

"I have no other choice, for one is my breath and one is my song." elle 

 

Ordinary LOVEliness

I spent a lovely weekend with my husband these past 3 days.
He had a rare long weekend and we had few options. We could stay home for 3 days with our daughter and the 2 grands or leave. As much as we love all three of them, we are with them everyday and we look forward to our time away from the runny noses, the whining and the everyday world of toddlers.
This is a good place to say that we raised our FIVE without the daily help of grandparents or anyone else. Also a good place to say that we have only had 6 months of our 35 years of marriage without kids and grands moving in and out like a revolving door.

We've been talking about driving to the Houston area to look at a Mini Cooper for the past several months. I have the boys most weekends and it's rained every other weekend so getting away has been impossible. Determined not to miss the opportunity to 'escape' I made last minute reservations for a room and away we drove late Thursday night. I was fighting a recurring cold that the 3 year old and I keep exchanging and I wasn't feeling really great. We ate at Denny's then went to our room where I took a long, hot bubble bath and fell sound asleep. It was obviously not the romantic get-a-way we are used to BUT in the middle of the uneventful I found a quiet and peaceful place of rest.
It's been a long time since I felt the contentment that comes from years of being loved and understood by the same person. I've been fighting this so-called "ordinary life" for about 3 years. I've felt very discontent and bored. I've often felt the hopelessness of the mid-life mantra; "is this all there is??!!".

I dedicated an entire post to this subject on Sept. 3: "A Crossroad; Proceed with Caution!". In it I discussed the movie 'Hope Springs' and dissected a quote on the subject of "cheating".
From that quote I wrote; "Personally I question the 90/10 rule. Do "all the years that you have been with each other", "the storms you have weathered together", "the many adjustments", the "little quirks" and "the wealth of memories...as lovers" add up to 90% of life? Am I the sum total of the years I've spent and the children I share with this man? Am I willing to call that my 90%? How do I look forward to a future that holds a chance of adding only 10% to who I am and who we are?"

This past weekend made me question again. Have I been underestimating the power of someone who knows so much about me? Have I been unwilling to admit the power of his love? He definitely knows my little quirks, knows how to push just the right "buttons" as a lover and is learning to accept the "new me" one step at a time. He loves me, and that ordinary/extraordinary love that comes from "years" and "adjustments" felt so good and safe. I was sick, a little cranky and not very energetic. He adjusted. He "knew" what made me smile, when I'd had enough, when I needed to eat, to rest....

It's been a long time and it feels sooo good to be content in my "ordinary" life of "loveliness".
elle

"Alone In the World" barbra streisand
http://youtu.be/lT2TJIf_zMg

What to read? sex or morality???

"Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls. "
Anais Nin

http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7190.Ana_s_Nin?utm_medium=email&utm_source=quote_of_the_day
I'm not a big reader. I find reading to be tedious. A book must grab me and hold me or else I'm bored and would prefer to put it down and 'do' something. So I don't "escape" into books like so many others. This inability to sit still can be dangerous. It would be safer for me to be home reading than out looking for my own excitement and adventure (;

Anais Nin makes me a little nervous but so much of what I thought I was "alone" in, I find in her. I'm not ready to plunge into an experiment with lesbianism or deviant sex. BUT something major has changed in my life. I never thought I'd fall in love with a man other than my husband. I never thought I'd feel NO guilt and only rest and pure joy in his presence. I never thought that I would question EVERYTHING including a faith and a marriage that were supposedly my core, my center. I never thought I'd have to make so many moral choices and be so miserable making the "right" ones.

"A man's mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions. "
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

"and all the answers that I started with turned out questions in the end" alison krauss 'gravity'

I'm on the library list for "50 Shades of Grey" but I think I'm more interested in ready Nin's 'Henry and June'.
"Henry and June exposes the pain and pleasure felt by a person trapped between two loves."
"the ongoing battle between loving submission and intellectual assertiveness; how difficult it is to be a strong woman while still holding on to one's emotional vulnerability." "http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11038.Henry_and_June

Sounds like me :)
I'm off to the library, again. Surely a book like this will be able to hold my attention.
With love, elle