It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My "Perfect Storm"

I feel a lot of pressure concerning today's post. 
I promised to use it as a continuation and a retraction for much of yesterdays post. I'm not really sure where to begin but here goes;


A lifetime of loss, emotional turmoil, mental abuse and grief brought me to the point I call "My Perfect Storm". A time of breaking a year and a half ago. The things that happened during that time were NOT the storm but more like "the straw that broke the camels back."

I got the phrase "The Perfect Storm" from the movie by the same name. In the movie a  fishing boat sails unknowingly but directly into the path of 2 hurricanes destined for collison.
There is a scene in the movie where the boat is using all the engine power it has, and more, to escape a massive vortex. It seemingly gains distance from the horrible pull of this swirling hole of death. The viewer breathes a huge sigh of relief in unison with the boats crew. They have a long night and a hard fight ahead of them but they are going to make it. 



Out of the darkness, unseen and unprepared for, they are hit mercilessly by a tsunami wave. There is no hope of escape. The boat and crew are pulled to their death to the bottom of the ocean from which they will never arise. No warning. Without defense. They are destroyed.     So was I.


Time, space and emotional energy prevent me from sharing all that led up to this perfect storm. I hope you will trust me when I say things were bad and had been for a long time. I was reeling from the complete loss of our home. My emotional state had been on dangerous ground for many years. My marriage was in danger. My business in shambles and my father had "disowned" me, again. 
We will save some of the really tough stuff like physical and sexual abuse, 31 years of addiction, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da.... for another day. 
Things were bad and then they got much, much worse. 


I wanted to die. I deserved to die. I despised my life and my very existence.


I have been laying dead on the bottom of that ocean under the weight of life for the past year and a half. Only one person was able to reach me during this unbearable time. He was able to lift me up, to make me laugh and want to live again. This person brought the music back into my life and I fell in love. 
It was forbidden and unthinkable. I was all but destroyed by the guilt and I made more awful mistakes than this page could hold. I received lousy advice from a marriage counselor who verbally attacked and threatened me. My husband was blindsided. 


All of this and I never even had an affair. The best description I have is to call it "an affair of the heart." 
BUT I was called "an adulterer" and treated as such. I was told to end it, to walk away and never look back.

I tried so hard. But I couldn't. Like so many other times in my life, I failed. 
I had been so broken. SO desperate. When my Father GOD came along and picked me up I knew I was safe. Now I could rest and be healed. He carried me to a train track and placed me gently on the rails. I sat quietly and without fear. As I had for years and years I placed my complete trust in His goodness and love.

He walked away.
Around the bend a locomotive plowed with a vengeance from behind me. No warning whistle. No protective barriers.  Before I could blink it was upon me shattering my bones, grinding and shredding all signs of life.
This was my "perfect storm". My God betrayed me.
I would never trust Him again.

It was at this point that I turned my back on God. I wouldn't serve a God who would allow all this to come into my life, knowing full well that I was not strong enough to take any more. A God who allowed a "perfect storm" to come out of the darkness, unseen, unprepared for. A "perfect storm" designed to totally destroy me.   And it did.


Since that day I have believed that if I could just die then everything would be so much better for my family. They would grieve but in time they would move on and life would be better for them without me. I knew it. I believed it.  


I was angry at myself for being too much of a coward to make it happen, so I prayed for cancer or some deadly disease.
There was little fight left in me and I could just surrender and be gone.



But somewhere deep inside I didn't want to die.
So my focus changed. I would to find a way to leave. I would start a new life. I would free myself and my family.
It's been over a year so you can imagine that I have had plenty of time to concoct many possible scenarios. 



During this time I was confronted with the truth that the man I thought I was in love with was not my ticket out. He was not going to "take me away" to "live happily ever after".
It may sound stupid to you but I believed he would.



We will fast forward a bit for the sake of space and time to yesterdays post. In it I spoke about the desire to leave. I saw no other way. 


Today:
I had a wonderful session with a very gifted therapist. He and I have been working together for several months. I have not made much progress but he assures me that it is "not too late for me", and I have no choice but to believe him.
I read him yesterdays post and these are the things we agreed on:
*I will make no major life decisions, like staying or leaving. 
*My body and my soul are strong. He called me a survivor.
If I weren't he admitted that I would not have made it this far.

*My mind is confused. (that was a nice way to say it!)


We set some major goals:
*Find a way to accept, to like and one day to embrace myself
*Replace my negative self talk with positive affirmations
*Make peace with my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), my PTSD     (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) 
I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to make peace with them but then I don't know how to do any of the rest either ;)
*Find a new psychiatrist and work on my medication 
*Come to a point where I can be who I am, be OK with who I am, accept and like who I am. 


Then I will be ready to decide who to share my life with or to withdraw myself from.


These are all biggies. He admits that I have a looooong way to go and wishes he had been able to work with me years ago. 


I have no idea how to turn this huge ship of negativity around, to go against the tide, to dump all this shit and then to turn back around and sail the other way.
God bless those who have decided to take this voyage with me.  



I'm exhausted and I'm sure you are too. We will "journey on" tomorrow. Elle 


"Get Me Through December" Alison Krauss
http://youtu.be/qcWN6gmDKT0

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