It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A Long Swim on a Hot Day

It is Wednesday and the following is what I wrote yesterday.
Between then and now I had a very insightful session with a very gifted therapist. Much of what I wrote needs serious work and I am amending some of my thoughts and most importantly some of my decisions.
I struggled whether to just delete the following and continue anew. But this blog is about my journey. It is about my failures, mistakes and hopefully my victories as well. So
I have decided to leave it as is.

I hope you will follow up by reading today's post. Yesterday I could only see one way to go on and that was to go it alone. Today I see that to stay or to go will not change the root problem, which is me, my past experiences and the self loathing I live in. 

My husband, my children, my friends are just that. They are husband, children, friends. They do not control me unless I give them that control. They love me unconditionally and that is the one gift I have never offered myself. 
To leave them prematurely could lead to much more pain in my future. They are willing to walk with me, to wait on me and to pray for me. I need them and am grateful to have them. 
Please read the following with the understanding that it was written in a state of hopelessness. It's the state I've lived in all my life. 
But I'm moving soon. L.E.

This week has been more difficult than most, and that's pretty bad. 
I showed up to church late Sunday (on purpose-to avoid the music). 
Sitting next to my husband was my daughter and next to her was one of my best friends, then a daughter-in-law and another daughter. No seat for me. Everyone moved down one seat, but the visual picture was harsh.  

My husband looked lost and lonely. His wife is gone. 
He has done everything he knows to do and given all. But he can't find a way to get me back.  

My choice to walk away from my faith has been an awful blow to our family. It is who we are. It defines us. We based our decisions, large and small, on our very strong belief system. We are prayer warriors, we are musicians, we are leaders.
For "mom" to no longer participate has left a big hole.

I've always been somewhat of a square peg in a round hole. But I've never been more out of place than now.
I can't return as the "mom", the "wife" they all knew and expect. That woman died. She is gone. Even if I wanted her back, (which I don't) things would never be the same. 
I cannot go back, I cannot be what I am not.
I am still trying desperately to stay in a marriage out of duty, to be a mom and grandmother when everything in me says "GO!!!"
I don't know if I could live with the question, "what kind of woman leaves a loving, dedicated man and a wonderful family, and just walks away?" 
But I no longer belong here. To stay is to surrender all I have left (and that is precious little). It is to give up any chance of ever being "me", whoever the hell that is.

I'm getting tired of the "I have to die before anything can change". 
I've already died a million deaths.
I just want to live another life as if this one never existed. 
Some things just aren't possible.
It is not possible for me to stay. It is not possible for me to go.

Needless to say, the appointment I had with my therapist this morning was desperately needed. I arrived, already in tears, to discover my appointment is tomorrow. Not good.
 I went to the water, my place to escape and to think. "Just swim to the middle and wait to be pulled under by a barge", I told myself. But I don't want to die. I just don't know how to live.

Damn girl! At least take off your jeans and go for a well deserved swim. But I didn't. I pulled myself together and went back home tired, beaten, confused and uncertain.

Sorry, no music today.
I have nothing to give.

I have no place to go but home. There will be no relief today. No long swim on this hot day.

" I LOVE YOU" Sarah McLachlan

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